Meeting Sam

Once again, Sam explained that we are all bound by the human desire to feel pleasure at whatever cost. He said of mankind that we are all bisexual beings with the same needs and desires of fulfillment. We do what makes us feel good in the short term amid long term goals and commitments. Feelings are temporary and are sometimes short lived. They come and go as we experience life. There was nothing to be ashamed of with regard to our interactions. It would be whatever it was and that is very simple concept.

As he spoke, I felt a bit betrayed. Was it really so simple to him? I felt as though I meant nothing. I felt that I was being used and it was costing both my sanity and my relationship with Erin. Perhaps I was being used by this man. I couldn't help but reflect on the feelings he invoked. The sexual release that he provided. He had opened my mind to things I never imagined I would experience. He helped me find a place of happiness in my being and I didn't want to let it go. I had realized that I was in love with this man, and to him I was only a 'bump' on the road of life. It hurt, it really did. I wanted to cry but I couldn't show weakness. I wanted to hit him, but I couldn't show aggression. I wanted to run, but I didn't want to show fear. I wanted to kiss him, but I wanted to hide my forbidden love.

As I walked back to my apartment, I had some time to think. I knew that I needed to find a way to deal with my feelings, I needed to either embrace them or let them go. I had to find a way to cope and move on, yet I wanted to feel him again; taste him again. I wanted to kiss his lips and I wanted to touch his body. I wanted to consume his cock in my mouth and give him that feeling of ecstasy I could hear as I drained him. I couldn't think of anything else. He had to be mine - mine to cherish and love. I realized that it was more than the gratification one gets from sexual arousal that was attracting me to him.

Chapter 6: Desperation

I became obsessed. I called Sam regularly and I met with him off campus often. It became my mission to make him feel good in hopes that he would fall in love with me. I tasted his cum numerous times by this point and I began to lust it. Blow jobs became commonplace between the two of us. I had sucked him in his house, in his car, in his office, in the classroom, and everywhere in between. Sometimes he returned the favor but it was just as gratifying for me to make him feel good. It wasn't long before I gave him my virgin ass. He filled me with his cum and it was amazing. This semester had turned me into something that I had never expected. I enjoyed making this man feel good and it was the only thing that mattered.

As the weeks went on, and turned in to months, I stopped talking to Erin as much as I had in the past. She visited even less and I never made the drive home to see her. I held on to her because she was safe. As long as she was there, I had something that made me feel normal. She was always in the back of my mind, but she meant less to me every day. I was moving on but I couldn't let her go. I needed her to keep my sanity. I needed her so that I could remain covert in my actions. She had become a mirage, a sort of hiding spot, that I used to mask what was going on.

When she called the last time I knew that it was over. She wasn't angry in any way because she thought that it was truly for the better. She believed we had grown apart in the three months that we had been separated by the distance and she was understanding. She wanted to remain friends and she told me that she would always love me, but that her love had become different. I understood what she was saying, part of me agreed, but that didn't stop my heart from sinking to my stomach. Our conversation was short and she ended it by saying that she would give me some time to think; but, she also made it clear that her decision had already been made.

I cried that night for the first time in awhile. I curled up in my bed and cried. I thought about all of the good times we had in the past and the memories we made. Erin was very special to me and in the three years that we were together there was never any doubt that we would spend the rest of our lives together. We would be married. We would have three children and she would be a stay-at-home mom until the kids were ready for school. In the meantime, I would teach at a university and we would live the perfect life. It all seemed like a dream to me now, the entire relationship felt like a dream. It was something that would never be again; it was something that never truly was.

I talked to Sam about what had happened that night. I explained that my relationship with Erin was over. I stayed at his house and I shared his bed. I could tell that something had become different between us as well and it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to feel loved but I didn't. I wanted him to tell me that it was okay and that everything would be alright. I want him to tell me that the reason he didn't show his love for me was gone now and that he could let it out, but none of that happened.

We had slept together a few times during the last month but never consecutively and nowhere near as much as I would have liked. I became even more vulnerable as time went on and I needed him so much more every day. I needed him to make me feel meaningful. I needed stability and consistency. At the same time I knew that it was something that Sam was not willing to give me. He was slowly pushing me away.

How could I win his love? How could I find a place in his heart? How could I make this man love me?

Chapter 7: Discovery

There were very few times that Sam left me alone in his place. When I had the chance, I would explore more and more of his personal belongings. One time, I rummaged through his drawers and boxes in his closet. They yielded nothing of importance. There were no secrets waiting for discovery among his personal possessions. Mementos from the past were boxed his closet and his drawers contained only clothing.

I finally had the chance to take a look at his computer. Sam didn't log off before he left for a class and his email opened without a password. There were several emails from social networking sites used for casual sexual encounters. There were pictures of Sam, some of which in compromising positions, with all sorts of men and women. I read some incoming messages along with his replies. There were several from a man named Gary who apparently took at least a few of the pictures I found. There were at least seven men who were in regular contact with Sam, and based on the content of the messages, it was obvious that he was sexually active with each of them. Most of them were from surrounding towns and cities. As I looked at the pictures, I was became infuriated. The graphic content of the messages made me sick. The variety of men made me feel vulnerable and dirty.

When Sam returned from teaching his undergraduate class about the diaspora sparked in part by the Holocaust, I was sitting on his couch waiting. I confronted him about the other men and he told me to relax. He told me that none of them meant anything to him and that it was all about sex. He scolded me for snooping and advised me against doing that again. I felt like a teenager caught smoking after school. It was at that moment that I knew for sure that he truly didn't care for me and I was outraged.

I raised my voice for the first time in our relationship and I blamed him for destroying my life. He not only cost me my girlfriend, but he demolished my pride. I could hardly stand looking at him; I was so hurt! I couldn't believe that I opened myself up to this horrible situation and I felt guilty for hurting Erin. He expressed that he knew we became to close. He should have ended this long ago. He asked me to leave, and so I did.

Chapter 8: Vengeance

During the final two weeks of the semester, I didn't see Sam outside of the classroom. Inside the classroom it seemed as if nothing had happened at all. Outside of the classroom, I was devastated. I stopped logging hours at the computer lab and library. I quit my job at Thompson's Food and Fuel and accepted a job working at one of the local resorts. I spent a lot of time that winter immersing myself in my work and trying to rid Sam and our false relationship from my mind, but I couldn't kick it. I wanted revenge.

I decided I would create a profile on one of the sites to which Sam belonged. If I couldn't have Sam, I would make him as jealous as possible. I made contacts almost immediately, but I met no men during the first few weeks. Then, it became out of control.

The first guy I met was Todd. I wasn't sure, but I believed he was one of the guys from Sam's email. He was married and had two teenage boys. We met at a hotel and I sucked him off. I had no feelings for him. When I was done, he left me in the room and went back to work. I met him several times and he never returned the favor. One time I even met him at his house to give him head. It meant nothing to me, but I did it regardless.

I met Jared, another one of Sam's friends, who was very unappealing. He liked to cum on my face and slop up his own cum. I blew him two or three times before I stopped returning his messages. A few more guys came and went as I perfected my craft on Sam's former lovers. Then I was contacted by Gary.

Gary was older, maybe fifty years old. The first time I met Gary he seemed like an ordinary man. He was divorced and had one grown daughter who he had no problem talking about with strangers. He worked in an office in a city nearby. We met for drinks and we had no physical contact the first time. The second time, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

I hadn't told him about Sam and that was my part of my plan. Gary liked to take pictures and he also liked watching me with other men. He would meet other guys from the website and invited them to have sex with me. He took me to adult book stores where I was fed cum through a hole in the wall and he always had his camera in his hand. At first I was hesitant, and then I jumped right in. A myriad of men came before me that winter. I fucked and sucked as many men as he could find. I did anything and everything to give them what they wanted in the hopes of eventually hurting Sam. Some wanted to tie me up or blindfold me. Sometimes there were more than one of them at a time. Meanwhile, I was letting Gary fuck me any which way he wanted and as time went on I began to enjoy it.

I got a rush from being with these men. I got off on knowing that I could control them with my mouth and body. I enjoyed feeling, and hearing, their reactions. It was a feeling like none other. I was a slut and I loved it. I collected the photos taken by Gary, and I posted the best of them on my profile page.

I never had real emotional feelings for Gary. There was no love and certainly no relationship. We met two or three times a week and I never knew what to expect when I arrived. Sometimes it was just he and I, while other times there was a surprise waiting for me.

Needless to say, I was stalking Sam online and posting raunchy pictures of myself with some of these men. I 'winked' at him on the site and I made sure that he noticed my profile. There were no comments, no messages, no signs of jealousy. I was upset at first, but in time I questioned if I would ever see him outside of the classroom again.

When the next semester began, I got pleasure out of sitting in front of him as cum oozed from my ass. I loved answering his questions with the smell of cum on my breath. I got off on knowing that I was no longer his to abuse and that I was now in control of my life. I hoped he could sense it. I wanted him to notice my confidence and see me happy for a change. There were even times that I would masturbate in the bathroom during break and sit with dried cum on my hands so I could sit and smell it.

Chapter 9: My Time

I knew it was possible when I started interacting with Gary. I knew that the day may come and I waited for it. Gary still had no idea that I knew Sam or about the relationship we once had. When I least expected it, that is when it happened.

I arrived at Gary's late on a Wednesday night. There was nobody there when I arrived except Gary and his big dick waiting for my lips. I closed my eyes as I sucked and thought about how good it made me feel to please him. I devoured his dick as he demanded me to take it in my mouth. I played with his balls, squeezed them tightly, until he came in my mouth fulfilling my desire to make him explode.

Soon after there was a knock on the door and he ushered me in to another room. I could hear him talking to a man with a familiar voice. I knew that it was Sam almost instantly and I couldn't wait for the moment that I would emerge and see his smile turn to that dejected look that I once sported myself. They talked for awhile before he told Sam he had someone he had to meet. This was my time!

As they approached the room my heart beat faster. As their steps neared I felt lightheaded and needed to sit down. As the door creaked open a euphoria overcame me and I had a rush like none other. I was ready, finally, to come face to face with Sam.

When Sam saw my face he had no reaction. Gary instructed me to get on my knees and Sam unzipped his pants. His cock was just inches from my face when Gary demanded that I suck; I did. I felt dirty for many reasons. I was on my knees blowing a man who had hurt me so badly that I contemplated suicide. I felt embarrassed because he was lacking the reaction that I expected when he saw me waiting in the room. I felt hurt as he forcefully grabbed my head and forced his cock deep in my throat - he had always been so gentle. Then he pushed me away and I fell back on the floor.

Gary told me to take my place on the bed and I complied. Knowing full well that there was a video capturing every move I made, I felt like I had no choice. On my hands and knees I waited for my next instructions. Gary stuck his unlubricated finger into my ass and called for Sam to come toward me. I felt the knob of his dick on my asshole before he plunged in with force that made me cry out in pain. He fucked me hard and without compassion. This was no longer the gentle man that I had once loved. This was an angry man who wanted to hurt me and he did. As the seconds turned to minutes, I broke out in a sweat. I barley noticed Gary snapping pictures as he watched and I forgot about the video being recorded. I left my body for a moment as Sam pounded and then he came.

The load shot into me like a cannon as he grunted with satisfaction. He continued to pump as his cum oozed from me, around his thick dick, and ran down my bare legs. He pushed me forward, leaving only the tip of his cock inside, then pulled me back and held me in place with his hard cock at home in my ass. He finally removed himself from me and Gary took him into his mouth and sucked off the remains of his cum and the sweat from my ass. I rolled on my back and watched, disgusted, as a smile came over Sam's face. When Gary stopped sucking he looked at me and laughed. They both laughed as they watched me laying on my back defeated. That is when it came to me.

It wasn't I that was stalking Sam on the web and developing a plan to hurt him. It was Sam who conspired with Gary to make a fool out of me. It was obvious in their eyes that they worked together and Sam had been able to twist the knife that he stabbed into me. I began to cry softly as they watched me naked on the bed. They used me and I hit rock bottom right there in front of them giving the satisfaction that they desired. I was lost and beyond help. I turned in to something that I didn't know was possible and I felt as though there was no hope. They left me alone and I could hear them laughing and talking in the next room. I gathered my clothes, dressed myself, and headed for the door. I left without saying a word as they sat on his couch still laughing and enjoying themselves as they watched me leave.

Chapter 10: Defeated

As I drove off into the night, I had flashbacks of being in love surrounded by feelings of anguish. I didn't know where I would go from here, but I knew I needed to get as far away as possible. I wished I had never taken this journey and I knew that there was nothing that I could do to erase my decisions. I was helpless, hopeless, and alone. I was ashamed of myself, and it was impossible for me to stop the pain.