MetaMorph Ch. 04

Of course it wasn't any such thing and of course you'd be hurt and our relationship damaged and it was just my own self defense mechanisms trying to divert the over whelming guilt that was being generated from what I had done. It doesn't really explain why I did it again – or perhaps it does, I don't know. I wish I could ask you what you think.

So you asked me why. According to the Doctor, there are two aspects. One is that I subconsciously felt like I was carrying you in the relationship. I don't want you to read that and think I am trying to blame you – that's not it at all. I'm trying to explain what my brain was doing. I'm a producer – by definition what I do is produce. I make people do their jobs and get it done. But with you, I can't. You are my husband, my partner. I cannot push you in the way I do at work, nor do I want to. But the lack of success you've had bothers me. Again, this is ¬not your fault in any way; I know you've tried and LA has just been a closed door to you. I know you have the talent but just can't get that foot in the door. That would be enough to frustrate any man. But it's contrary to who I am. Not only could I not help you because of what our relationship is based on, you made it clear you didn't want me to anyway. I respect that...well, mostly.

In the interests of honesty, I need to tell you, I have taken some of your stuff to meetings with me. I have tried to get you work, in a way that you'd never know. I just...had to. It's part of who I am and part of what I need to do for you. I think that, looking back, this was probably more of a hindrance to you than the help I thought I was giving. Too many of the people and producers I was talking to weren't interested in you or your writings – they just wanted me around. In my defense, any time I saw that I broke off whatever negotiations might have been happening, but now I think about it more, I do have to wonder if your name became synonymous with the woman-who-wouldn't-put-out. I don't know but either way, I have to apologize again. There's going to be a lot of that in the future, I suspect.

Anyway. I think that because I wasn't able to be a producer for you, I resented you for that. I think my subconscious thought I was carrying you. Without being personal, I'm sure you can see why I would think that. I doubt anything I am saying is not something you've already thought. I don't mean to try and make you think that the way you are is wrong or incomplete – far from it. I love who you are. I just need you to understand where my animal brain was.

I think that this resentment coupled with my own guilt about what I'd been up to in New Orleans was why I provoked you when I was in LA, and why I was so short with you. None of that you deserved or expected – that was my own fucked up wiring being put on you. I'm sorry my love. I can't say that often enough.

So there's the low level resentment, and then there's the other part that I've been advised is part of my personality make up. I don't honestly buy this on a conscious level, but I'm told it's there and explains part of what I did.

Apparently I have some deep-rooted submission streak. Not a huge one – not anything that makes me need to wear any of those stupid clothes or run around and call any one master or get slapped around or anything like that. Just a need, at times, to have a man tell me what to do. To be, in the words of Doctor Bellingham, 'Firmly Guided'. It's not all the time, and not all the time in a specific situation either – it's not like I need to be sex slave all the time when sex comes up or anything. Just, the more overloaded I get, the more I need this outlet where I amnot in control. Where I am told, firmly, but not abusively or arrogantly, what is going to happen. I dunno if I really buy it, but it would explain why I went with Greg in the first place. Not wishing to hurt you, but he is a very masculine man, very firm and very pushy. If you knew him, you'd know what I mean. He's like the ultimate Alpha male, even if he is extremely shallow and has the morals of a skunk.

From what I'm told, I just responded to that in way I wouldn't normally do so, because I was so stressed at the time. I wasso in charge during the day, that when I wasn't, it was necessary for my personality to be fulfilled or something. If I'd not been so stressed, and not been far from you and home, in my own little bubble of the world, I'm told it's very unlikely I would have done what I did. Still, I was and I did and I need to fess up to that.

I don't know if that's any comfort to you. For me, I'm not sure I buy into it. I've never consciously felt the need for a man to tell me what to do in the past, but maybe it's something I didn't even know I needed on occasion. Where that leaves us, I don't know. Like I said, I know for a fact that I don't suddenly need a dominant alpha male ordering me around – but perhaps I need more analysis to work out exactly what I do need in those situations. Of course, on your part, you'd not even know that I needed it at the time, especially if I didn't. I don't know. My head is going round in circles and I don't know what to think. I so wish you were here to talk to. You'd know just what to say so I could make sense of it all.

So now I need to apologize. For everything. I tried to before, but I think you thought I was apologizing for getting caught. At the time I probably was. I wasn't even processing everything properly. I know I hurt you, but I was more worried about you being hurt than I was in being responsible for what I'd done. Now you aren't here, I understand even more deeply what I had, what I needed that you gave me – things I didn't even know I needed to the depths that have become very apparent.

I knew I loved you. I didn't always know why, but now I do. You are good person Dan, you need to know that. You did nothing wrong. You made me happy, your supported me in ways I wasn't even aware of, you made me laugh, you made me great food, you respected me and my choices, you made me wet with anticipation and you were (and are?) my partner, my lover, my friend and my husband. You were even more a victim of this than I am, even with the hurt I have now. I deserve it; you do not. You are a good man, a strong man and an understanding man. When you make love to me, you make me quiver. The sex with Greg was good, but it was the newness of it that made it exciting, not what he did to me or the size of his cock or what his body looked like or anything as dumb as that. No one will ever love me the way you do and I despair every day when I realize you may never come home, or if you do, you will not be able to love me again.

I apologize for everything. Particularly for the anal sex episode. You were completely right in what you said. I should have told you it was Greg's suggestion. I just couldn't at the time. I knew you were hurt and I knew I was responsible and I knew that if I told you that, it might send you over the edge, and I just couldn't risk that. They say the truth will set you free – but I just want to be in jail, with you in the same cell.

I'm so sorry for doing that to you. I will point out that I wouldn't give him that until you had it, but that's a poor excuse for what I did and why I did it.

I should say, itwas good though. I'd do it again for you in a heartbeat. I don't regret doing it at all, and I hope you don't either. I just regret why.

Since we are talking total honesty, I need you to know I haven't seen Greg again since that night, apart from going to him to see if he might be able to find you when you were gone initially. There was no hint of anything sexual, I just was desperate. He didn't find you and there's been no contact since. You haven't asked but I feel that you should know, we were together four times in total, counting that night you found us. I don't know what you'll do with this information, or if you even want to know, but there it is.

He did get fired from the movie by the way. The next day after you saw us in fact. Although after I talked to them, reading between the lines, I think the production company were ok with that. His work with Justin was already done and he was just sucking up money. Fifty grand extra they didn't have to pay out was fine with them.

Before you left, you asked me how I would make this up to you. How I would rebuild the trust and faith we had. I've been thinking a lot about that and I honestly don't know what to do. The thing is, I cannotmake you trust me. I cannotmakeyou have faith in me. All I can do is keep going, not faltering and giving you no reason to doubt me. The trust and faith must come from you. I don't know if the damage I've done will even allow that – that's up to you I'm afraid and yet again I have to say sorry for putting you in that position. I just hope you love me enough to give me that chance. I'm not asking you to forgive me or forget it; I know there's no chance of that and nor should there be. I just want the chance to be the wife I should have been all along. That I was till I fucked it all up. It's up to you really.

Heinz the cat, wants to meet you. She sleeps on your pillow on your side of the bed. She needs to stop doing that, but without someone there, - without YOU there, I don't think she will.

I'm not going to ask where you are or what you are doing. I just hope you are happy and having some calmness in your life. I miss you so much it hurts, and I want you to come home.

I love you Dan. You are the light of my life and right now, it's pretty dark around here.

Happy anniversary Dan – 9 years today when I made the best decision I ever made. I really really hope we make it to ten years.

Your wife.

June.

Dan sat back in the easy chair after reading that and sobbed. He cried and cried and screamed out Junes name.

After twenty minutes, he was cried out. He sat back up to the computer and hit Reply and typed one line of two sentences and hit send before he could stop himself.

"Happy anniversary, June. I love you too."

It was the last month, if Greg's estimate of what he could do for Dan was to be believed. Dan was now very capable of a full days exercise, both cardio and interval, and still having an evening to do things in, even if he did sleep like the dead at the end of it. His food intake was increasing and Greg was relaxing some of the rules on what he could not eat. He was even allowed a beer on occasion, although only what Greg laughingly had referred to as 'diet beer'.

Dan was now down to a thirty-six inch waist. There were even hints of a six pack, although he had to suck in the gut a little for the shapes to show up. He had pectorals now; even if there was a layer of fat still on top that made it looked like dumplings on a curved plate.

Dan was curious about his relationship with Greg. Greg was both harsh taskmaster and also friend wannabe. He'd attempted to reach out to Dan more than once, but Dan still wasn't having it. He was starting to respect Greg's professional expertise – he was living proof of that – but he still saw Greg as a shallow man, interested in looking good and everything being visual. He understood exactly how shallow a person Greg really was, even if he was good at what he did. Beyond the work out ability and the chasing of trophy wives, Greg simply didn't have anything else in him. Greg was smooth and had great conversation lines, but he couldn't actually talkaboutanything, at least nothing important. The one thing that Dan had realized is that Greg was simply no competition for a man who had any ability to express an idea. He understood now why June was convinced it would never go anywhere with Greg; he just wasn't even remotely up to her speed, beyond the sex angle.

He also began to realize how tenuous Greg's business really was. It was ALL based on reputation, and how Greg's indiscretions with married women hadn't cost him most of that already was beyond Dan. He had come to realize that if he really wanted to ruin Greg, he could do it. It wouldn't be hard. A few public reveals of some of the women he'd pursued and conquered and some of the husbands would have no choice but to come after him. If he screwed up another major motion picture deal, his reputation would start to suffer big time. He'd already done it once; another one would seal the deal.

But knowing that, Dan didn't even start the motions. He just didn't care enough about Greg to do it all. He wanted to hurt him physically – Greg had that coming – but to destroy the gym and everyone who depended on Greg, knowing that Greg was simply no competition at all, what was the point?

That didn't mean he forgave June – far from it – just that he wasn't as out for revenge at this point as he had been at the start.

He'd gotten another email from June in response to his reply to her explanation, this time a short but simple one.

Dan. You have NO IDEA how much I needed to see you write those words. I'm literally walking on air right now.

Then the words 'I Love You' were repeated almost fifty times, and at the bottom was the simple question,Are you coming home?

Dan thought hard about whether to reply or not. In the end he did, with one line.

Not yet. Still have things to accomplish. I'll be back. We'll talk then.

Simple, succinct and hopefully enough for her to back off a bit.

In the mean time, Dan had to think a lot about how he felt about June, about what she'd done, about what she was trying to do now. The conversation transcript had helped a lot, but he still bore the internal scars of her betrayal. He didn't know if he trusted her totally – he knew he still loved her and his heart broke anew, because he still couldn't get the picture of her bent over with Greg's cock embedded in her out of his head. Every time he thought of it, he felt like a fat nerdy loser again. He couldn't carry on a relationship with June feeling that way – but he had no idea how to combat that. He just hoped time would help. He was more worried about his reaction to June than whether June loved him or not.

And then the tale twisted yet again.

Dan was working on his latest idea one evening when Greg let himself into the apartment. It still pissed Dan off that Greg had a key and wasn't hesitant about using it, but he kept telling himself, it was Greg's apartment.

As Greg came in, he shut the laptop and looked up expectantly. Greg didn't say a word, just threw him a book. Dan caught it and looked at it and found it was Sex for Dummies.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Dan said, dryly.

"Read it," replied Greg, "all of it."

"Already have," said Dan, throwing the book back at Greg. As it happened, it was a newer edition of the one he'd read many years ago after his disaster with Amy.

"Then read it again. Think of it as a refresher course," shot back Greg, throwing the book back at Dan again.

Dan sighed. He didn't need this. "Look, I'm not a cheater, ok? I'm not that guy. I don't need this."

Greg laughed. "Of course you do. Wealldo Dan. None of us are all we can be in that department. It takes a woman to know what she wants. Look. I've spent a lot of cash on setting this up. You need to be at the address on the post it note in the book on Thursday night at eight. That gives you four days to go over the book again and brush up. Go see her. She knows her stuff. You don't have to do her, just talk to her. Get some other perspective. See what she has to say."

Dan just looked at Greg with out expression.

"Dan. I dunno how to get through to you. I'm trying to give you the best chance of keeping her. Do you not get that? She's done it once Dan, what makes you think she won't do it again? You owe it to her and you to be the best you can be. Give her no excuse. If you want to keep her, go do this. Don't think of it as cheating, although honestly you have both the moral and ethical right to do it. Think of it as preparation for a life together. Be all you can be. We've already completed a lot of this journey – go the whole way. I mean, look at you – I'm hearing things about some TV movie deal?"

Dan arched an eyebrow at Greg.

"Dude, you talk at the juice bar in my gym, I hear things. People talk. Either way, it sounds like something is finally moving for you. The training is coming along. Now, take the final step."

There was more silence from Dan. Greg gave up.

"Look, you have the details. Do yourself a favor. Be there. I honestly don't know how else I can try and help you. And frankly, you need it. I don't like how you've been looking at some of the towel girls in the gym. They are only seventeen you know."

Finally Dan responded. "Greg, you've already helped yourself to the one thing I held most precious. Now do me a favor, and please, just fuck off."

Greg hovered for a second, looking at Dan, then shook his head and left.

Dan sat there, trembling, holding the book. Eventually he put the book down on the coffee table, like it was about to explode.

The next day, Dan got a phone call from Caddy.

"Dan, you there buddy? You sitting down? If not, sit down. I got news."

Dan nodded, and then realized that he was on the phone and said, "I'm here. Sitting as ordered."

"So, I just got off the phone with Hallmark. They are making it. They are making your movie. How cool is that?"

Dan didn't have any words and just squawked into the phone.

"I'll take that as a 'hell yeah' then. Ok, so it's get better. They liked all three of your endings, so they are shooting all three. This is a bit of a weird one, since the union specs on remuneration don't cover this. It's not three separate scripts, but it's not one script either. I've talked with the union rep and we've worked something out. Basically, if Hallmark agree, and they've got very little choice here since they are now already in pre-production, you are gonna clear another sixty K. And get a TV Movie credit. That's a seriously good start to a career dude."

"Arrrughle," said Dan, accurately expressing his sentiments at the moment.

"Yeah, my thoughts exactly. So accurately and poignantly expressed. No wonder you are writer," said Caddy. "Look, I gotta run. I'm meeting the guys from Hallmark in twenty and I need to get a coffee and get the game face on here. Call me tomorrow, ok? In the meantime, think about buying a new car. I've seen that piece of shit Nissan you drive around. It's going to fall apart if the duct tape comes off you know. Go get a convertible or something. And send me that stuff you've been working on. I want to see it. Ciao. Nelson, out."

And he was gone.

Dan just sat there, stunned. The question running through his mind was now one of cosmic balance. How was it that all of a sudden the stars were aligning for him professionally, when his personal life had turned to such dog shit? Was he only allowed to be happy in one area at a time? What, as the saying went, the fuck was going on?

Thursday came. Despite his own better judgment, Dan had picked up the book and browsed through it again – it was bathroom reading of the best and worst kind. There were a couple of new sections, all new illustrations and a couple of the sections had been expanded, but by and large, it was as he remembered.

It was good as a refresher though, and Dan did pick up a few new pointers and ideas.

But then came Thursday night. Greg had let him go early, only making him do forty lengths of the pool, telling him 'he'd need his energy that night' and smiling like and idiot at him. Dan had just shaken his head and climbed out of the pool to go into the steam room.

Then came the evening. Dan was sitting at his laptop, looking at Mustangs and building and rebuilding models on the Ford website, trying to decide what he might want. He kept looking at the book on the coffee table, with its yellow post it note inside.