Mine

No, not the dirty ones like fuck, damn, cock, cunt, hell. I like those...a lot actually. Well, except for hell.

Not even the good one...LOVE. I remember the first time a man said he loved me, well sort of. We were making out in the back seat of a cab with sand in some very intimate places after having the infamous sex on the beach. He held me close, locked into my eyes and said...Three words, eight letters, one meaning.

A few years later I learned that was not necessarily true. The English language has only one word for love whether it is I love my kids, I love bacon or I love you. But other languages have many different words...familial love, friendship love, motherly love, god kind of love. So no, even that word does not have just one meaning.

As an empath, love is the most natural thing in the world for me. Of course, I love my children. Oh, they get into little squabbles and ask...Mom, be honest, you love me best. But I always tell them, I love you all the same, but differently. They each have their little box in my heart and no others' box is quite the same.

I love my friends and sisters too. Intensely. There is not much that I will not do or give them. As I tell them, when I give you a piece of my heart it is yours to keep...even when they have wronged me. I have a dear friend; our online friendship got me through the first eighteen months after my separation. He was my lifeline, my only true friend. But we got to the point that every time we talked one of us upset the other. We agreed to take a break. Nine months later I contacted him when I met someone I thought could give him what wanted. He said he thought I had forgotten him, but I explained I never forget my friends...any of them.

I have been blessed and cursed to love and be loved by some amazing men...and a few women. My first ex-husband used the analogy of life being a house that you are building and people who come into your life are the bricks. They teach you some things; show you a part of yourself. Some stay and some go, but all give you something.

While I have just had a horrifying experience with poly that was actually cheating in disguise, as a mother and a lover theoretically I get it. No one truly loves just one person. We are all poly, getting and giving different things to different people. Maybe one day, his lies, half-truths and constantly changing story will give way to what truly should be the most natural thing in the world.

Oh and I don't really love bacon. Reading, writing, murder dramas and sewing, but not bacon.

But I get love. With a lifetime of experience, I like to say that love is a gift, free and clear, no strings attached. It is mine to give to whom I want.

So that is not the four letter word that I am talking about. Not the word that rocks my world. Stops my heart. Send s me to my knees at his feet. Not the word that makes me swoon. Not the word that I long to hear the most. What is that four letter word then you ask?

MINE.

Mine is so much more than just love. I love many people but with the exception of my children and a couple of truly special sister/friends, none are Mine. No, mine is special because it denotes a sense of ownership, of belonging, of permanence. If something is yours, you take care of it; you do not leave it. It is yours, today, tomorrow and always.

And that is what I want more than love. I want to belong. I want to know that you will take care of me, not because you want to, but because you have to, because like with my kids...I have no choice but to love and care for them...they are mine and I am stuck with them. Forever...that is the unspoken meaning behind the word Mine.

Yes, it would be nice (another four letter word) to hear the L-word occasionally, but I would much rather hear the M-word...every morning, every day, every night...for the rest of your lives. Because the word MINE is the one word that holds the magic key to unlock total, complete surrender. Mine is this sub's ultimate reward.