Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall

This is one of those stories where there really isn't a category to put it in. I thought about the humor category but unless you understand my dry sense of humor it wouldn't work so I had to settle on Non-erotic.

Those of you who are close enough to me to really know me realize I have a weird thought process I have been known to come up with some really different ideas. This tale is one of those weird ideas that took off on its own. YOU WILL HAVE TO BE PATIENT WITH THIS STORY BECAUSE IT WANDERS OFF ON SOME ODD TANGENTS quite often but eventually comes back to the story line before heading off on another foray into my weird imagination. I apologize for that. Be tolerant because all those wanderings weave the story together. I hope you enjoy this very off the wall and whimsical tale.

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Mirror. Mirror. On the Wall

The idea for this tale started a few weeks after we had a garage sale. Over the years we've had them before but this one was a major one. We had thought things over and decided that instead of our kids having to get rid of all our neat stuff when we passed on we decided this was the time in our lives for us to have a major downsizing. We would make a few bucks by selling all that neat stuff in a garage sale. The money from the sale would go into our holiday in Mexico jar.

Once that was decided, the house and garage were gone through from top to bottom. It's amazing all the things a guy can accumulate over 50 years of marriage that were just collecting dust, not being used, or something a guy just had to have but never used anymore. There were boxes upon boxes of "neat things" that got put aside for the sale. The downsizing had taken almost half a year to get that garage sale organized.

You'll notice I say neat stuff or neat things quite a bit. The way I figure it, it's neat stuff while we have it, but once it's gone down the driveway to someone else, it's referred to as garbage, or crap.

Anyway, so much for the past history that should be enough information to set the stage for this bit of a tale.

During the opening minutes of the garage sale a neighbour's daughter, Belinda, from across the street came over and was looking at what we had to offer. She commented on how things were priced to sell. Yeah things were priced cheap. We wanted the stuff sold so we didn't have to dust it or store it anymore.

Belinda noticed a mirror in a corner. Talk about being excited and jumping for joy. She wanted that mirror in the worst way because she didn't have a mirror in her room and that one would be perfect.

Because she was a neighbor we gave her the mirror dirt cheap.

That mirror is the main reason for this tall yarn, so I guess I should describe the mirror so everyone knows what was sold. The mirror was oval about four feet tall and three feet wide and I had bought it at an antique store about twenty years ago. Why did I buy it? I don't know... Maybe impulse buying, or like the wife has told me on more than one occasion, it was shiny, so being a pack rat I had to bring it home. At the time I thought it was a nice thing. It had all sorts of leaves and flowers carved into a gilded frame and it struck me as something I just had to have. The glass was beveled and had this faint swirling smoky look, but that never distracted from the image when you stood in front of it.

I thought it was actually a pretty nice piece but the wife had other ideas about it. She called it a few things, but the politest was "that gaudy thing". Hell for twenty years the wife has given me nothing but grief over buying that mirror.

The mirror used to hang in our spare bedroom and was a conversation piece for friends and family. The funny thing was lots of them would stand in front of it for a long time just gazing into it. The wife and I couldn't see the fascination they had with that thing, but if they wanted to stand there and admire themselves and it made them happy, who were we to complain.

So anyway our garage sale was a huge success and we got rid of ninety-five present of our garbage. (Note I said garbage because it had gone down the driveway to be someone else's neat stuff).

A few days after the sale, we were babysitting the four-year-old grandson of one of our neighbors for an hour or so because they had an unexpected problem they had to take care of. The little guy was telling us about the stories his dad was reading for him at bed time. He was describing castles, wizards, magic mirrors etc. and was really into that kind of literature. As I sat around that evening I was thinking of the kid's enthusiasm, so of course my mind went off on one of its tangents. From those old fairy tales I heard as a kid, I got the idea for this little tale. I thought the neighbor's grandson might enjoy it, plus I thought Belinda might enjoy it to. That way that mirror I sold her would have a bit of a story. Even if the story is a fantasy and a weird fabrication of my mind.

On that note here is my little tale.

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A couple of weeks after I sold that mirror to Belinda, a friend, and I use the term friend loosely, told me I made a huge mistake selling the mirror. He had always admired it and he was like some people we knew that would come over to visit and spend a lot of time gazing into the mirror while he was supposed to be visiting us. Of course his comment got me curious about what he meant by that, so I had to ask him why it was a mistake to sell that gaudy mirror.

He, being the weird guy he is, just laughed at me and teasingly told me, "I'm not going to tell you, but you should do some research into that mirror." After that comment he just walked off giggling to himself. Well with that kind of attitude, you probably realize why I told you I use the term friend loosely for him.

I thought he was "crazy". Well why wouldn't I. This was normal for him, plus he is known to everyone we know to have more than a few logs short of a wood pile. After he left that day, for some strange reason that comment of his got me thinking. I wondered to myself what he was trying to tell me. That question bugged me for a while until I forgot about that mirror and my friend. That lasted for a month then one day something reminded me of his words. I figured what the heck; I had nothing to do and was bored, so I started to do some research.

You might think the internet might have all the answers, but in regards to gilded mirrors all I could find was retailers, wholesalers, and manufactures. There was nothing about the history of that particular style of mirror. So when my, "friend", and I ran into each other again, I again asked him what he knew about that mirror. I didn't expect a coherent answer from him, but he did tell me to check out the back of the mirror.

Now that was unexpected, I was thinking he was going to blow me off and walk away laughing thinking he got one over on me.

After that meeting I now had a dilemma on my hands. I didn't have possession of the mirror anymore and it was probably hanging on a wall across the road in Belinda's room. When I sold it to her that's where she had told me she was going to hang it, so it's not like I could ask her to give it back to me. I was sure she would object to giving the mirror back to me just so I would be able to check out the back of it, and I can just imagine what she would have thought of me if I asked. I had this phobia about being called names, and silly old fart, crazy old man, or the worst one would have been Indian giver were a few of the things I was sure to be called, so to avoid all that drama I resorted to other tactics.

It's a good thing I had pictures laying around of the mirror for insurance purposes, so I started to examine them closely. Very closely. I just about ruined my eyes examining those pictures so intently. Well the wife was feeling sorry for me and gave me a magnifying glass to look at the pictures. Wouldn't you know it I could see things clearer. The wife walked off with that smirk on her face that told me I could expect to be hearing more than a few times how useless men were, and couldn't do anything without a woman's assistance.

With that magnifying glass I went back to checking out the pictures. Hot damn! Just when my eyes were almost worn out I noticed a funny microscopic mark, or it might have been a symbol on the back of the mirror and that piqued my interest.

If you must know I never could tell the difference between a symbol and a mark. That microscopic mark/symbol had me captivated. It took a while, but after some intense searching online I got a lead on it and that lead led me to the library. In the ancient history section which was buried in the basement of that old run down library, in a section that hardly anyone ever went to, and where the lights were almost non-existent, I dauntlessly carried on my search. Let me tell you I damn near got lost a couple of times when I got turned around in the dark, but that basement is where things started to come together for me. I eventually stumbled on some facts relevant to my search.

I wasn't too happy about the sore toe I got when I stumbled, but in all my time on earth there's one thing I've learned about accidents. After they happen a guy learns to check things out before putting his best foot forward. That caution saved a lot of bruises as I checked out those dim, filthy aisles, plus it saved me from falling after I tripped over the trash, which saved a lot of time brushing dust off my clothes after I picked myself up.

Anyway those facts I stumbled on pointed me to an old storage area and down an extremely rubbish filled aisle that was off a feebly lit corridor. On a shelf that I had to use a rickety old ladder to reach, there was an old crumbling leather bound note book. After trying to examine that note book in the dim light, I had a brilliant idea without having to have the wife tell me. I smartened up and got a flash light.

After a couple of failed attempts getting the right batteries I wore out three sets of them reading that notebook. In all my wisdom that I had accumulated over the years I came to the conclusion that, that microscopic mark/symbol was a hallmark that Merlin used.

At this point I have to add a bit of a side note. At some time or other everyone must have heard of the great wizard Merlin. Reportedly he is the greatest, wisest, learned and most arrogant wizard in all of history. I'm sure some court jester gave him all those titles and over the years they stuck. There's also rumors he is quite gifted in the looks department. Then again why wouldn't he be? All he has to do is cast a debonair good looking wizard spell on himself and ta-da there he is.

Well back to the point in time where I found out that mark/symbol was a hallmark Merlin used. Let me tell you that information threw me for a loop. Now not only did I have to worry about the difference between a symbol and a mark, but now there is the word hallmark to add to my troubles.

If that wasn't enough while talking to the wife she, with a devilish/teasing smile, mentioned it could also be a logo. I could see she was pulling my chain and trying to get her jollies by confusing me and I knew I was going to have to think of some way to get back at her for adding to my conundrum. But that was for another day. I was sure my mind would be spinning for weeks trying to figure out the difference between all those words.

Sorry about that. Getting back on track the greatest, wisest, learned and most arrogant wizard in all of history, Merlin, like all craftsmen, used a (symbol/mark/hallmark/logo,) WHATEVER, to show he had something to do with a product's fabrication. Be that designing it or making it.

Let me tell you by that time that (symbol/mark/hallmark/logo) was eating at me and giving me no rest, so I took a time out to think about it. After a lot of contemplation, I came to the conclusion it must be a mark. Why a mark? Because everyone is always talking about putting their mark on something. Logical thinking, don't you think?

I was quite pleased with myself when I decided that. After all I prided myself on being logical about things. I don't usually brag about being logical but on this I felt pretty good. Mind you if I would have bragged to the wife I'm sure she would have said something about my logic being weird. Then again what would a woman know about things like that.

Oops, don't tell the wife I said that.

Now that I concluded that part of my quest I continued on my search to find more information on that mirror. In another obscure area of the library on the hidden side of the back wall, in a termite infested bookcase, I found the most interesting information yet. That information was in a group of rolled up scrolls that explained how the mirror came to be made.

After a lengthy examination of the scrolls I sure had sore eyes. Trying to read all that chicken scratch and drivel that was written there just about did me in. It was so bad I'm sure I bought all the eye drops the drug store had, and I still had to go to an optometrist to get glasses.

After getting used to the glasses, and carefully re-examining those ancient scrolls, I established that the greatest, wisest, learned and most arrogant wizard Merlin himself had crafted that exact mirror that I sold at the garage sale.

Now that I had that fact I also found on one of those scrolls that when he made it he was apprenticing with the magnificent, all seeing, all knowing, grand, all smart ass, and a little bit on the creepy side wizard Whodowiz.

Yeah I know that's a mouthful, but back in those days accolades and titles were very important and people used them all the time. Personally, the way I looked at it, all those people that thought they were important were just conceited and titles made them feel important.

Anyway the magnificent, all seeing, all knowing, grand, all smart ass, and a little bit on the creepy side wizard Whodowiz was trying to make a special magical mirror for the self proclaimed wondrous, good looking, charitable, almighty, glorious emperor of all the known land. The emperor wanted the mirror made for his daughter Hipohnormus who had a striking resemblance to her mother.

Now don't laugh, that was her name, and before you ask, the emperor told anyone that would listen that his wife was the one that named her. I'm of the opinion it sounds like a cop out to me.

On another side note, you maybe heard about the princess Hipohnormus. She was known far and wide as the world's ugliest woman. In fact, she was even more unattractive than her mother. She was so ugly that when her father eventually lost his fortune she made her wealth in a traveling carnival headlining in the side show. Believe it or not with her as the main attraction she drew huge crowds. Those crowds always left the side show tent white faced, scared and shaking.

After seeing Hipohnormus at the carnival you can imagine parents all over the land used that fact to keep their kids in line. Hipohnormus's name was often used as a scare tactic and it wasn't unusual when kids misbehaved to have a mother threaten the kids by saying if they didn't quit misbehaving she would call for Hipohnormus to come and make them behave. That usually worked better than telling them they would get feed to a gremlin if they didn't behave.

Back to the story. The self proclaimed wondrous, good looking, charitable, almighty, glorious emperor had told the magnificent, all seeing, all knowing, grand, all smart ass, and a little bit on the creepy side wizard Whodowiz, to craft a enchanted mirror with magical qualities. Whodowiz knowing his job depended on keeping the emperor happy had been working on that project for about two centuries and he had failed miserably at every attempt and was looking for a way out of the contract.

As you can probably guess time doesn't mean anything to wizards, and a minute could turn into centuries in the telling of a tale. So it's best to ignore time lines when talking about wizard's activities because you will just get your mind tied in knots trying to keep things straight.

So the magnificent, all seeing, all knowing, grand, all smart ass, and a little bit on the creepy side wizard Whodowiz in all his great wisdom passed his problem down to the greatest, wisest, learned and most arrogant wizard in all of history Merlin. He wanted Merlin to craft that mirror under the pretense that he needed to do this task to pass his apprenticeship.

I think that's known as passing the buck to an underling. It's also known in other circles as I'm the boss, do as I say or else, and it better be done right or there will be consequences.

So the greatest, ______OK THAT'S IT... ENOUGH ALREADY with all the accolades. No more of that crap!

Merlin dove right into the task but finding information on making the mirror proved to be a daunting task, even for someone with Merlin's abilities. You must remember he was just an apprentice then and hadn't learned all the tricks or spells to get information yet. I bet he learned quickly that good looks only go so far. After all, when looks wear thin then a guy has to have a few smarts to get by in the world. It's a good thing he was a fast learner.

Another setback he had was there was a problem with a lot of those sheep skin scrolls they made back then. The way I understand it, there was a major scroll shortage at that time in history. The scroll makers had been on strike for safer working conditions. I guess they were getting tired of having their feet trampled on and getting the odd nip from an angry sheep not to mention the itchy feet from all the sheared wool that fell in their boots. When the strike was over they were mass producing scrolls at a record pace to try and catch up to the demand. Of course with that kind of production the quality wasn't up to par and it wasn't unusual to have those sheep skin scrolls bleat at you as you wrote on it.

As you can imagine getting bleated at would startle an underpaid scribe, and his words would sort of wander on the page. That made information gathering an almost hopeless task for Merlin.

Mind you there was a side benefit to so many sheep paying the ultimate price so people could have scrolls. Everyone in the land also got to have wool under-things cheap, and lamb stew was a staple on every table.

Merlin spent generations trying to find the formula, and he specifically needed the craft work and spells for making the mirror. That mirror was supposed to be a special mirror, and that's what he wanted to make, but was having no luck in his quest finding any information on how to do so.

After all of Merlin's inquiries, and searching high and low, he finally got a lead from a couple of back alley acquaintances. They were a half drunk troll and a wasted ogre. The two of them, for the umpteenth time were down on their luck. Because of budgetary restraints in the kingdom the half drunk troll didn't have a bridge to hide under because bridges were not being built anymore. That meant he couldn't hide under them to extort money from travelers. The ogre had his own problems and was in even worse shape. His problem was he had lost all his teeth in a bar fight with a bigger ogre. With no teeth he couldn't eat humans anymore and was feeling despondent. After meeting in the crying room set up over on depression alleyway the two of them became friends and decided to drink away their troubles. They had been doing that for so long if they could have remembered who their mothers were they would have sold them for another drink.

Merlin having tracked them down, figured the easiest way to get information from them was to give them a few tall foamy ales and took the two of them to the nearest tavern to partake in some liquid refreshments. All went according to Merlin's plans, and when the now drunk troll and the truly wasted ogre were beyond all doubt lubricated they spilled their guts and told Merlin all about the formula's location.