MODE 1 - Beginner

This is loosely based on true happenings and therefore, personal names and details of characters have been changed. However, the location and the situation of the location are true, in my opinion that is. Also, note that while the situation is true, the storyline is not all true. I just wanted to touch the topic of LGBT situation in my country and I needed to create a storyline to go with it. Enjoy. :)

This story is dedicated to Ely.

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MODE 1 - Beginner

I live in a country where religion comes before anything else. Although this may not be seen through the actions of people. Being a Muslim is of significant importance; even if it's just on the outside.

Not everyone is here is religious, but there are certain levels of religion. Maldivians show various views on some subjects in religion, like wearing a veil, which is contrary to much debate. On the other hand, there are some topics which a very high majority of the population agree on, like prayer or fast being mandatory.

Likewise, while a small portion of the youth may be a bit open minded, many Maldivians are against any form of LGBT community forming. According to religious scholars, it is stated in the Islam that taking part in sodomy is 'haram' (which roughly translates to forbidden). While the laws in Maldives aren't very harsh on people found guilty of sodomy, in countries like Saudi Arabia, the use of the death penalty on homosexuals is allowed and commonly used.

I honestly don't know any openly gay Maldivians at all. There has been one man who came out, only to be nearly murdered by extremists. Luckily, he survived the injuries and fled the country before he had another encounter with them. That should paint a picture, of how scaring it is to be gay in the Maldives.

Even though there is no one openly gay, I do know some closet gays who are my age and older. Closet gays tend to lead on a women, and live their life as a straight lie. This is solely because being gay is a sensitive topic here. There is probably zero tolerance of gays. Chances are that you'll come out only to be disowned by your family and physically abused by extremist organizations. Currently, there is no place for an openly gay man living in Maldives, if that were to happen, the man would have no alternative but to leave the country for his safety and his family's.

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This is where I am now. Confused. Scared. Lonely. Am I gay? Bisexual maybe? These questions are constantly revolving around my mind. As my community is strictly against accepting gays, I can't help but sometimes ponder about how to become straight? Is there a 'cure'?

I definitely was lost. I was on verge of giving up. I knew life wouldn't get any easier for someone who had no place in their own community. It was during this stressful time that a little birdy advised me to take a little risk and venture out.

The thought of it terrified me. What if I gave myself away? What if I was outed? It is true that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but in this sea, maybe only one fish would be brave enough to go for the bait. Thinking about the possibility of getting rejected and then being outed sent fear down my spine. The risks I face if I want to be in another mans company were too high, I knew it was foolish. But to tell you the truth, I am a fool.

I was a teenager at the time. Listening to EDM songs, constantly wasting time on pointless social networking sites, watching cheesy sitcoms and once in a while watching a good film that would star Meryl Streep. Typically teenage life, right? However, I wasn't one of those many teens publicly flaunting their relationship on Facebook or Twitter. One day single, the next day with someone new. That wasn't me. I wasn't going to upload pictures onto Instagram of myself in a relationship and on dates. Although, maybe I would. Only thing was, it might not be with a girl.

This is where I introduce you to 'Him'. The guy who changed everything for me. I am changing his name for privacy reasons and I will be referring to him by a typical, traditional Maldivian name, Mohamed.

Mohamed, or Mode, as the nickname goes is definitely what you can label as a fun guy. Very friendly, great personality and like all Maldivians, seemingly 100% straight. It didn't occur to me that Mode would turn out to be gay or bisexual.

Anyway, we were introduced through a mutual friend. Our friendship grew. Rather than being friends through a mutual friend, we became sort-of-friends. I'd say hello if I saw him on the road. He'd reply with a wave or start shouting my name infront of everyone. We'd see each other at parties and talk a bit. Our friendship grew stronger and we bonded close enough to be considered friends.

Just friends. No more, no less.

Even at this point, I didn't have any feelings toward Mode. However, as our friendship grew closer and stronger, I was oblivious to a connection that was forming.

It never occurred to me that those sarcastic flirts weren't so sarcastic after all or those playful pushes and touches were bit more playful than I imagined.

This went on for a few months, we grew closer to the point where our mutual friend was non existing. It didn't occur to me that we became friends only a few months ago, it seemed as though I knew him better than I knew some of my longtime schoolmates.

We would hang out often with a bunch of other friends. We all became a tight group, but this didn't stop Mode from occasionally giving me some sexual remark or from trying to act sexual near me. None of my friends took it seriously, they all thought it was just Mode being Mode. To be honest, so did I.

Soon it became evident that I had feelings for him. I realized it. I have developed some kind of feeling toward a guy. I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry. I wanted to hide those feelings, pretend they never existed. Carry on as if nothing had ever happened.

The feelings only greatened. I wasn't in love. I was sure of that. I know what love is, and this wasn't love.

I was in denial half the time. Deep down, I couldn't neglect the fact that I might have a schoolboy crush on a guy. On the other hand, I knew that this community will never accept the relationship consisting of two people of the same sex. For all I know, Mode could very well be completely straight.

I experienced some sleepless nights. Thoughts flooded my head, did I have a life being a gay person? Was I really gay? Bisexual perhaps? Would these feelings go just as suddenly as they came?

I didn't know where to go, who to talk to or what to do. I was scared and I was lonely. Most Maldivians say that 'love is love' and that 'different sexualities should not be discriminated', but when it comes to someone they know; someone of their religion, their nationality and their blood, how will they react then?

Thankfully, I happen to meet a very generous person whom helped me with what I'm dealing with. She helped me a lot, just by listening to what I had to say and then giving advice that I could not live without.

I knew what I wanted. I wanted to know.

The curiosity if Mode was indeed bisexual or gay was killing me. Many people speculate but this is Maldives, you're always gonna be judged. Even then, I had to know. The chances were so low, but I needed to.

I was invited to party which Mode was going to as well. I knew this was the chance I needed. I was going to ask him about it. No one was going to stop me and if they did, they would very much regret it later.

Mode told me that he planned on going to the party with a bunch of peeps and invited me to go with them. Which meant, I would be going to Mode's house before the party. I was mortified by the thought of asking Mode, he might feel offended or attacked. Or worse, he may very well panic and out me.

I went to sleep early that night. Good thing too as I woke up at 4am and couldn't go to sleep after that. I felt sick, it wasn't even dawn yet and I was already nervous. I felt sweat drip down my forehead even though the room was air conditioned.

The whole day leading up to Mode's house I was hesitant. I felt reluctant to ask him. My mind kept on changing, I went to a point where I didn't know what was going on. I was dazed but somehow, I managed to put myself together.

As I closed my house door and started walking toward Mode's house. I couldn't help but feel a little excited. I was finally going to express myself, my true feelings. For all I knew, I could be walking into a trap.

I called Mode to let him know that I was nearby. My footsteps started to become smaller and faster, I was walking considerably faster than other pedestrians. I saw him open the door just as I was on his doorstep. Coincidence maybe?

As he opened the door and greeted me with a 'Hey, bitch'. I couldn't help but roll my eyes and force him to lead my inside. While we made our way to his room, he mentioned that the others decided to meet us at the party.

I trust Mode with all my heart but I did become a bit suspicious. I started to doubt if he even invited them in the first place. I was too nervous to log on Facebook and ask people what time they were going. Thank god I didn't.

Mode's room was cold as usual. I hate cold weather, I'm more of a tropical person myself but hey, I was going to be alone with Mode; can't complain about that. Mode quickly ended a Skype call with his cousin and told me that we had exactly one hour to kill before the party.

While he was listing out the things to do, I couldn't help but admire him. His hair, his skin, his eyes and his smile. He seemed to notice and asked me if I was feeling okay. I quickly laughed it off and said I was daydreaming.

I let out a deep breath and chose to watch TV while we waited to go. After turning the TV on and turning the light off, Mode joined me on his bed. He was sitting close to me, so close in fact that I could hear his breathing.

I felt my legs start to tremble. My hands started sweating. I was lost for words when Mode rested his head on my shoulder. I didn't know what to do or what to say. I just stayed there, like a statue.

My mind was going crazy, thoughts and feelings were everywhere. I couldn't think at all. I really couldn't. I finally could concentrate on one thought, maybe it wasn't a very smart thought but it was the first thought that came into my mind.

I didn't have time to ponder about it, I just had to act and act fast. The mere seconds between my thought and my action seemed like an hour. I would have the urge to act but then I'd resist. I couldn't even remember what I had envisioned last night about what I was going to say. My tongue seemed to be lost.

Now or ever, I thought to myself. This chance was what I yearned for, I would never get it again. Life is about being adventurous and taking risk, right?

'If you never try, you'll never know', the Coldplay lyric echoed through my mind.

I turned to face Mode, he seemed startled since his head was still resting on my shoulder when I turned. I looked into his eyes, he was looking back at mine, trying to understand me.

I took a breath in and leaned forward. I rested my hand on his shoulders and without giving him a warning, I kissed him.