Mom Named Barbie Ch. 05

"Jay, will you listen to me for a minute?"

"No, not if you are going to make excuses. Not if you are going to try to convince me it wasn't your fault."

"I won't do that Jay, I promise; I know it was my fault, it's all my fault. Will you please listen, please?"

"I will listen but I am not going to change my mind no matter what you say."

"Jay, I promise I will not try to change your mind, I can't because I agree with you. It is my fault, I am the reason your dad is dead. I was selfish. I thought I was getting old and I left thinking if I ran away from being an adult I could always be young. You're also correct I acted like a slut; and you have shown me I was indeed a whore, I received payment one way or another for my company and um... services. I was foolish to not consider how my actions would affect you and your dad.

Jay, I take all the blame. I have beaten myself up for what I did. I have cried myself to sleep countless nights for the price you and your dad paid for what I did. I am not trying to make you have sympathy for me because I don't deserve sympathy; I am saying what I deserve is for you to hate me and never forgive me, I deserve your rage, you calling me names, because it is all true. At the time I never dreamed my actions would hurt you and your dad the way they did."

"That's just it, you weren't thinking at all!"

"You're right Jay. Do it, get it off your chest; let me have it, don't hold back, I deserve all this and more. And you're right, no real mom would hurt her son the way I did; no mom would cause her son's dad to be taken away from him the way your dad was. No, I wasn't thinking; not thinking clearly anyway. I had no self-respect or I would have never done the things I did."

Tears streamed down her cheeks. It was like someone had turned on a faucet and she could not turn it off. Barbara did not want sympathy from Jay; she did not deserve his sympathy.

"Mom, I don't know if I can ever forgive you; you can't bring dad back."

"Jay, I wouldn't blame you if you never forgive me for what I did and what it has cost you. I don't deserve your forgiveness. You're a man now, you have proved that this past year, you don't need a mom; but I think you do need a friend. I know I have destroyed any possibility of ever being your mom the way we used to be; but I do want to be your friend. Please Jay, don't cut me out of your life completely; you might not need me but I will always need you."

Barbara could see that Jay was still angry at her, but in his rage she did notice he continued to call her mom; perhaps all hope was not lost. There was nothing she could say that would erase the pain her son was feeling. This was something Jay would have to work through on his own, it seemed he had to do everything on his own; things no nineteen, twenty or twenty-one year old should ever have to do. Whatever decision he made she knew she would have to accept it, no matter how painful it may be for her. When he did not respond to her last comments the guilt Barbara felt inside was became unbearable; with tears streaming down her face she slid off the bed going to the bathroom to take a shower.

Standing under the spray of hot water Barbara hoped it would wash away the pain. She wished she could magically go back in time to when she and Sam were still happily married. She leaned against the wall letting the shower splash on her body as she sobbed and cried; she stood there until there were no more tears left to shed.

It had to be getting late and Jay still needed to shower before they went to sleep; that is if he had not left despite the bad weather. She quickly shampooed her hair and washed the rest of her body; she rinsed the suds off then attempted to dry herself with the small thin motel towel. In her haste to escape to the bathroom she had left the shirt she purchased to sleep in on the dresser. Left with little choice Barbara put her panties back on then wrapped the towel around her body which due to the size of her breasts only covered her chest and stomach, the top of her panties were at least two inches below the bottom of the towel.

When she stepped back into the room Jay would not look at her; without saying a word he quickly disappeared into the bathroom with a beer in each hand. Tears flowed again as Barbara retrieved the t-shirt from the bag on the dresser, letting the towel fall to the floor she wanted to change before Jay finished in the shower.

Thankful, for her height she had a short torso and long legs, the t-shirt covered her ass although just barely, the bottom of the shirt ended where the curve of her cheeks joined her thighs. The front was a different story; her ample breasts were a curse lifting the front of the shirt preventing it from concealing the crotch of her panties. Looking in the mirror as she brushed her hair the pink triangle of the front of her panties was clearly visible beneath the shirt. Barbara hurried to finish before Jay came out so she could cover herself with the sheet.

She noticed Jay had drunk three more beers while she was taking a shower and took the last two with him into the bathroom. As she waited for Jay she drank the remaining wine directly from the bottle, hoping the alcohol would calm her nerves, but all it did was cause her to feel even more guilt than she was already feeling; if that was possible.

His mom was still awake when Jay came out of the bathroom wearing only his boxers; her pillow was wet from tears where she had been crying. She heard him brushing his teeth then turn out the light. She was positioned with her face away from Jay when she felt him climb into bed; there was no avoiding their bodies touching in the small double-bed. They lay silent in the darkness; Barbara was startled when Jay finally spoke.

"Mom, you awake?"

"Yes honey, I'm awake."

"Mom, I'm sorry for all those awful things I said. I don't really think that way about you, I was mad; I didn't know what else to do."

"Jay, you have nothing to apologize for, everything you said is true. You said what you were feeling; you don't ever have to apologize to me for your feelings."

"But mom, talking to you that way was disrespectful. I should have kept those feelings to myself."

She turned over to look into her son's eyes, even though the room was dark.

"No Jay, please don't ever think you can't share your feelings with me. I would be lying if I told you the things you said didn't hurt, they did; but they were true and they were things that needed to be said. Truthfully they were things I needed to hear from you; I needed to know your feelings about your dad's death, about me, and about what I have done. Jay, you weren't being disrespectful, you were being truthful; don't ever feel you need to apologize for telling the truth. And as far as respect, I don't deserve your respect right now; respect is something I will have to earn from you for you to ever be able to respect me again."

"Either way mom, I'm sorry; I am sorry I hurt you."

"It's ok Jay, I promise. You didn't say anything that didn't need to be said. While we are talking, is there anything else you want to say?"

"No, I think I have said enough. I'm worried about you."

"Don't worry about me Jay, I will be ok; I'm a big girl. Right now your feelings are more important than mine. I am the one that is sorry for all that I have put you through; I am the one that disrespected you and your dad. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you that is if you will let me. I will do anything you want to make you happy, even if it means you not wanting to have anything to do with me after tonight, if that is what it takes for you to be happy I will do it. But I pray that you still want me in your life. All you have to do is say it Jay, tell me what I can do to make you happy and I will do my best to make it happen."

The extent of his mother's statement that she 'would do anything to make him happy' would be revealed to Jay later on as he discovered more about his mother.

Barbara took her son by the arm pulling him closer to her kissing his forehead. Jay returned her affection by giving her a hug. He felt closeness with his mom he had not felt since she moved out, but it was a different feeling than before; with all that had happened, all that had been said she felt more like a friend than his mom.

As he held her in his arms Jay's leg went in between his mom's discovering she had nothing on below the shirt except for her panties. He was not sure what he expected, he had seen her jeans draped across the back of a chair before he turned out the lights. He had to admit, Barbara's inner thighs felt smooth and soft against his. Jay felt the beginnings of an involuntary erection; 'what the hell, how could this happen,' he and his mom had just experienced the worst argument of their lives and now he was getting hard?

Barbara pulled Jay tighter against her body, her breasts pressed hard against his bare chest with only the thin material of her t-shirt between them. (Obviously he had not put on the shirt she bought him to sleep in) She threw her leg across his snuggling closer to him pressing the top of Jay's thigh hard between her legs; his penis pressing against her stomach.