tagReviews & EssaysMoney Ch. 07

Money Ch. 07


"Don't you get tired of watching people with money?"

"That's what we all do."

That's all we do, you know, we sit in our living rooms, bitch about not having any money, while watching people with money. Yet, because we sit there hour and after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year watching rich people on our televisions, with our loyal ratings we earn them, yep, you guessed it, more money.

"Why do we do what we do?"

It's time to get up off our fat asses and revolt. We, as viewers, want our share of revenues not for watching your syndicated, all too brief of a season television programs, but for watching your too many damn commercials over and again. That's what television is all about, anyway, commercials. It's not there to entertain us. It's about commercial broadcasts. It's there to sell us stuff and to make money for the networks doing that by using the programs as filler for commercials.

Do you think those people who we watch all day on television watch other people with money on television? Nah, they don't have the time to do that, to watch television all day. They're too busy interacting with people who have money and are too busy having a good time spending their money while we dopes are glued to the television not making any money and watching them making money.

"Weird, huh? But, think about it. It's true. We are no better than a herd of cows."

Turn off your televisions. Turn off your computers. Go outside and let's make some money.

"Only, can I borrow a few dollars to tie me over until payday?"

Oprah Winfrey leads the money list, yet, again, earning two hundred and sixty million dollars last year. Boy that's a mouthful to say fast three times because she's earned that amount of money, for more than three consecutive years. Let us all take a moment to understand and reflect on how much two hundred and sixty million dollars really is.

"That's a lot of dough, huh, two hundred and sixty million dollars every friggin' year?"

I bet you could do a lot of damage with that kind of money. Just think of all the things you could do, all the people who you could help, all the clothes, cars, and homes you could buy, and trips you could take. You could get your breasts implanted, both of them, your face lifted, your teeth fixed, all of them, your hair coifed to perfection, and even have plenty of dough left over for a psychiatrist and rehab when you finally fall of the wagon. And you'd still have more than two hundred and fifty million dollars left and more to come next year.

You can't spend that amount of money in a lifetime, in ten lifetimes. I dare you. I double dare you to find a way to spend that kind of money, yeah, even after buying a baseball or football team. If you did that, buy a sports team, then even more money would come rolling in to make you richer than you were before.

Boy that would finally shut your wife or girlfriend up about getting a job when you had that kind of money under your mattress. Yeah, well, Oprah makes that kind of money every year and has made that kind of money for the past dozen years.

"I love you, Oprah? Buy me a new car, please."

Jerry Bruckheimer of CSI, Cold Case, and Without A Trace fame was a distant second earning a difficult to squeak by on one hundred and twenty million dollars. My girlfriend loves those shows. When she's not watching HGTV design, design on a dime, gay design, nude design, and gay, nude design television shows, House Hunter, How Much is Your House Worth, Debbie Travis, et al, and then she's watching reruns of CSI, Cold Case, and Without A Trace.

I hate Bruckheimer's shows. Give me shows with sex to violence every time. I'll take nudity to blood any day. Instead of shoot 'em up and blow 'em up, I'd rather watch naked people, especially naked women...dancing, around a pole...and sitting on my lap...and doing me. Yeah.

Every time I watch CSI those forensic scientists are walking around with their little flashlights while in someone's home, I yell at the TV. "Put a light on. Hello? The light switch is right there?"

Now, if Marge Helgenberger was naked, then I'd be watching more of CSI. She's a good looking broad in a crooked sort of way.

Why must it be so dark? Is that to give it an ominous effect? Is that to scare you and to keep you on the edge of your seat? Well, it just gives me eye strain.

Those shows strain my eyes so much that when I finally see a semi-naked woman on television, I miss seeing the up skirt of down blouse because they show it too fast to see it and my eyes are still strained from watching CSI. Damn you Bruckheimer.

Stephen Spielberg raked in his one hundred and ten million dollars that he earns every year from his movie residuals. The guy hasn't made a movie in a while; he doesn't have to, he just sits at home eating popcorn with his MILF of a wife Kate Capshaw while watching reruns of Jaws, ET, and Jurassic Park.

Boy, I'd watch Kate Capshaw if she ever decided to make a guest appearance on Gay, Naked Design. She's got a hot body. She's got a rack. She's got a rich husband and would want nothing to do with me.

Do you like golf? Do you play? What's your handicap? Hey, be honest about your golfing score and don't make me come over there and take a nine iron to the back of your head.

Sorry, I've been watching one too many episodes of CSI lately. Admittedly watching CSI is better than watching Gay, Naked Design shows because instead of taking a nine iron to the back of your head, I'd be decorating your ass with fabric.

Do you like watching golf on television? I'd rather watch paint dry than watch a golf game on television. Did you know that Tiger Woods earned one hundred and twelve million dollars playing golf?

Actually, he earned a measly twelve million from playing golf and one hundred million from endorsements. Now, if that doesn't make you want to run out and buy a Buick, a Tag Heuer wristwatch or drink his nasty vitamin water then I don't know what will.

Forget about Tiger Woods, rapper 50 Cents is worth much more than two bits. Forget about his albums and his music, forget about his endorsements with Reebok and Playstation, this guy is filthy rich after earning a cool 100 million with much more to come, possibly half a billion from his share in the company Glaceau after Coca-Cola purchased it. Now, that's real money. That's some serious dough for a guy from the 'Hood' and with a police record.

It's amazing to me that even after all these years Madonna still managed to earn seventy-two million dollars last year. Why? How long has it been since this Material Girl was singing her Material World song?

Her movie that boy toy husband, Guy Ritchie made, Swept Away, sucked. I saw the original movie with Giancarlo Giannini and Mariangela Melato and that was hot. This movie could have and should have been hotter but it flopped. All she did was to pose for the camera to show everyone that she was still in shape for an old broad. Her acting was terrible. It was so bad that had they cast Paris Hilton in the leading roll, it would have been a marginally better movie.

Howard Stern fell in shit when he quit radio to explore outer space with satellite radio. I wonder how much Robin is worth. Hey, she's not a bad looking woman and she's got really big tits. His gamble as a modern day telecommunications pioneer paid off. He earned seventy million dollars last year. Way to go, Howard.

Oscar de la Hoya, one of boxing's pretty boys behind the original pretty boy, Muhammad Ali aka Cassius Clay, earned fifty-five million dollars last year, fifty-three from one fight when he fought another pretty boy, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. for the Junior Middleweight title. He earned twenty-five million from the purse.

Now, why do they call that a purse? I've never seen a boxer carry a purse and you don't want to accuse crazy Mike Tyson of carrying a purse either, at least not to his face. He'll bite off your ear before pounding you to death. Can you picture big George Foreman carrying a purse filled with, what else, hamburgers?

Carrying a purse home, albeit with twenty-five million smackeroos, sounds a bit gay for a boxer nonetheless, I'd take the purse if they filled it with twenty-five million bucks. I wouldn't even mind if they put my twenty-five million big ones in a big, pink purse.

Oscar also earned twenty-eight million from pay-per-view receipts. He earned a pittance of two million in endorsements. I wonder what he endorsed. Does anyone know?

Simon Cowell of American Idol fame earned forty-five million dollars for acting like the bastard that he is and insulting everyone about their singing, clothes, and hair. "If you've got a big mouth and you're controversial, you're going to get attention," he was quoted as saying.

Do you watch late night television? You'd be gratified to know that David Letterman earned forty million dollars last year. "I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host," says David to justify his huge paycheck.

Brad Pitt was good for thirty-five million plus he gets to sleep with Angelina Jolie. Be honest, which would you take thirty-five million dollars or being married to Angelina Jolie? As much as I love her lips and her hot body, I'd have to take the money. Only, this guy gets both. What a pig you are Brad.

"Success is a beast. And it actually puts the emphasis on the wrong thing. You get away with more instead of looking within," said Mr. Pitt. Yeah, life is a bitch, Brad. I feel your pain.

Shaquille O'Neal of the Miami Heat made thirty-five million dollars last year. He made twenty million dollars for playing basketball and another fifteen million dollars in endorsements. Wow.

Tiger Woods made Derek Jeter's paycheck look small. Derek only made twenty-nine million last year, twenty-two million from playing third base for the beloved or hated New York Yankees and a lousy seven million from endorsements.

He should have picked up a golf club instead of a baseball bat. Doesn't Derek look more like a golfer than a baseball player, anyway? I don't know how he's going to survive on only twenty-nine million dollars.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. made over twenty-seven million racing cars, actually, seven million from driving and twenty million from endorsements. Doing endorsements are the way to go.

If anyone out there is willing to pay me, Freddie, bostonfictionwriter, huge amounts of money to endorse anything, please e-mail. I can be just as insincere as the next guy when endorsing your hemorrhoid cream or foot fungus or shoe polish spray to cover bald spots.

The End

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