MORE CRAP

Crap. We're driving here. "Honey you need to call and verify the charges."

The wife sighs and digs her phone out of her purse. She has already put it away. "I don't know why they call me when they want to verify a charge to your card. How did they get my number anyway?"

"Crap, I don't know. Just call before they cut our card off."

She calls and presses buttons after listening to a recording. Another recording. More buttons pressed. "How much was the charge Jim?''

"Hell, I don't know eighty something. Why?"

"I have to input the amount of the questionable charge or they will suspend the card." Crap.

I dig around in my shirt pocket where I've put the days charge tickets. Finally I find the one we need and look at it. "It was $81.90"

The wife puts those figures into the phone. The computer talks some more then the wife closes her phone and puts it away.

"Did you get it taken care of?"

"Yes. Everything's ok now."

Less than a mile to go. WTF why's traffic stopped? The damn light is green. Ah, it's moving now. Crap, stopped again. Light changed. Move. Stop. Crap, fifteen minutes to go a little over a block. We're at the light now. Crap. A damn 6 lane road cut down to two lanes because of construction. Crap.

Well, we're finally at the resort. What do you know? Check in went like clockwork. I guess things are looking up. Yep, the room is perfect, just like it was in March when we were here last. Unload everything, cold stuff in the fridge; throw the rest of the stuff on the chairs and bed. Where's my swim suit? Oh, here it is. Off with the clothes and on with the suit.

"Come on honey let's hit the hot tub and pool before we make supper (the unit has a full kitchen so we cook most days). Scream, stomp, stomp, stomp, SPLASH.

I stand at the gate to the pool enclosure and stare. It's a little after 4 p.m. on a Tuesday. There must be 15 kids in the pool and three family groups at tables around the pool. All the young adults are sucking on some brews while the kids terrorize the three other grey haired people in the pool. Crap.

We find a table and put our things on it then move slowly into the pool. Ahhhh. The water's perfect. SPLASH. Crap, the little shit actually jumped over me and cannon balled into the pool right in front of me. My glasses are completely water spotted.

Finally just after five thirty the parents gather the little darlings up saying, "Come on. We need to hurry. It's time to go eat."

Wow. Well now I can relax for a few. About quarter to six the wife says, "I'm getting hungry. Let's go fix supper."

Crap. "OK."

Our room is really nice. It's comfy looking and close to the pool so we don't have to walk too far. Unfortunately I can hear the noise from the damn kids in the pool. Ahhh. Finally it's 10 p.m. Quiet time has officially started. Crap, wonder why the noise is still going on?

At 10:30 I give up and call the front office to complain about the noise. The sweet young thing says, "Oh, I'm sorry sir but quiet time begins at 11 p.m. If they are too noisy for you after that time please call and we will have security check on the problem for you." Crap.

Crap. The first 6 days of our 8 night stay the freaking pool is filled with kids that should be in school. I ask one of the parents about school and if it hasn't started for the kids yet or what. She looks at me and says, "We're home schooling them. We have night school while we're traveling." Crap. I bet.

Finally Monday comes and we hit the pool early. No one else is there except another older couple we've never seen before. It's after 4 p.m. before anyone else except resort employees comes into the enclosure. Except for the trash they call music the pool is quiet and serene. Heaven.

Crap. 4 p.m. and here comes a man and 6 year old boy. Crap, there's a couple with a 7 year old girl. Splash, splash. Daddy stands on the edge of the pool and glares at me then the kids. Crap. He says, "You kids settle down and be quiet."

I float in shock. The little boy says, "But"

"But nothing. You obey the rules or you'll have a time out on this chair.

For the next hour we hear laughter and giggles but quiet ones. These kids are the exception to the rule. They're actually quiet and well behaved.

Crap. Our time in paradise is over. Time to head home. Off we go. "Turn right and take the freeway. Keep in the left lane," says the dashboard bitch.

"Whatever bitch."

The wife looks over at me and says, "Why don't you just be quiet. You know you can't talk back to the GPS."

"Yeah, whatever bitch."

Quick head jerk toward me and a glare. Oh, crap. Did I just say that? Crap. It's already 90 degrees outside but it's freezing in this damn car. Wonder how long it will take me to get home?

Finally home. I turn into the driveway and push the button. The door jerks and jitters but opens and I drive into the garage.

Fifteen minutes later the car is unloaded and cold stuff put away. I find my recliner and turn on the TV. Crap. Nothing happens. Oh, crap. I still have to turn on the water and plug everything back in.

Whew. Back in my chair. On comes the TV. Crap. Not a damn thing to watch. 157 channels and nothing good on again. Well, grab the ole computer and see if some of my favorite authors have posted on SOL or Lit.

I'm just logging on when I hear, "Honey have you fed the cats since we got home? Crap. I hate those damn cats.

"No I haven't. I'm sure Trish (my sister) probably fed them this morning."

"Well they're all on the porch and they act hungry. Why don't you give them a little in case she didn't."

Crap. I get up and walk to the food sack then out onto the porch. Crap, there in the entryway is a big pile of mail. I sigh and pick it up and carry it back to my chair. That's not too bad. We were gone two weeks and there's only three bills. 90 percent of the mail hit the trash unopened because it was obviously junk mail—advertisements of some kind. How damn many times will GEICO mail me something wanting me to buy insurance before they give up? Or how about AARP? Crap, I'm already an AARP member. Why don't they clean up their mailing list and save postage?"

Ok, I'll pay the bills tomorrow. What's on TV? Oh, yeah, not a damn thing. Back to the computer. Crap. Wonder when we can take another trip? Not for a while. It's Friday and the wife has a doctor's appointment Monday then she faces six weeks of radiation. Hummm. 78 miles a day five days a week. I think I'll need to buy a new car before I take another trip. Damn warranty will be up on the one we have and with all this new electronic crap I sure don't want to be on the road and have it break down. I hear repairing some of that stuff will set you afoot. Crap.