Moving On

I was sitting in my apartment with a beer watching Monday night football when my phone rang. Thinking 'Damn phone call. It's 4th down and inches to go...' I was more than slightly pissed until I saw the caller ID on the cell display. "Hello and why are you busting up the game for me Billy?"

We both laughed. Billy was also watching the Falcons Redskins game and knew exactly when to call to pull my chain. I met Billy in basic and we were Marines together in Iraq. We both enlisted after we left our high schools. I was from the suburbs of Atlanta and Billy was from far outside of DC.

We did one and a half tours of combat when a roadside bomb put an end to our military careers. We were the lucky ones. Close quarter combat and our near death in an ambush changed who we were.

Going to war and seeing death and destruction clear and upfront changes who and what you are. We started out being 'fucking around' good-time kids and ended up as mature serious adults with goals, dreams and a work ethic to make it in this world. My girlfriend Jeannie and I are in Georgia on the far outskirts of Atlanta. Billy and his wife Amanda are on the Virginia coast within 60 miles of DC.

Some guys got out of the service and went wild, unleashing what was going on inside of them. Other vets turned inward. There is no right or wrong on this. It is what it is. Billy and I used the VA and groups to help make sense of our lives. Over time, both of us adjusted and we're doing OK. We both knew we were lucky. We also made sure that we kept giving back to other vets and their families. Not all Vets were broken, but our experience made us all family of a sort.

You may not always like your family, but you'll always be there for them.

We shot the shit for a couple of minutes when Billy lowered his voice. "Dan?" Billy got a quiet "Uh huh" from me. It sounded serious. "I got a cousin that's been having some real bad problems in his family. The wife got up and left him then raided the financial accounts. She dumped their twin girls and her kid that she had when she was 17 on her parents. Then she took off with her lover-boy. She's seen each kid once in the past year since the official divorce and only once in the year before it was finalized. She don't call 'em, send a card or nothin'. She ran off with a guy that has 2 kids from two different women.

"They're living in your area. My cousin's Gary's marriage probably wasn't the greatest. His up bringin' was pretty fucked up. There was sexual abuse and neglect in his life. He's in his late 20's now."

"Ok Billy, what do you need out of me?"

"Gary's been professionally working it through. Best way I could put it that we'd both know is PTSD."

"Sorry about your cousin Billy but what do you need from me? Help to get her back? Make her 'fuckin' around' life hell?" I smiled. I have no problem in making people pay for being assholes.

"No fucking way does he want her back. She even got knocked up before the divorce was final. Is it bad to say thanks that she had a miscarriage? I'm sure I'm goin' to hell for that one. Gary got full custody their 5 year old twin daughters and the other father Lyle has full custody of his 9 year old daughter. It ended up being a shock to Coleen when she went to pick the three kids up from her parents and instead had to show up in front of a judge. Gary told me it was fuckin' comical to see her plans of running away with the kids and their child support turned into a big problem. Judge asked her where in the great state of Virginia she had residence and gave her 6 months to prove residency.

"The mother wouldn't relocate back to Virginia. The wonderful state of Virginia has ordered her to pay child support to all of them. That's when we knew that there is a god." We both laughed. The old line that there are no atheists in foxholes has some truth.

"All the kids are doing ok... well... as well as can be expected anyway. The Dads are devoted and my cousin is doing much better. HE kind of knew she was fucking around so having it over was more than a relief. He's getting on being a single dad and loves his kids. Lot's of support all around for him. He'll make it.

"But the problem is not with the Father or the daughters." He paused for a couple of seconds, and then continued. "I saw Jeannie's picture on the ex-wife's Facebook page. The bitch hasn't figured out that we're all keeping tabs on her and we're not gonna tell her either. I thought that you'd like to know who Jeannie is hanging out with." In the silence that followed, I realized who she was.

The conversation was restarted when I quietly said, "Oh shit. Is the name of the ex Colleen?"

"Yep, she works on your wife's unit at the hospital. The posting that pissed me off came from her celebration a couple of months ago from the divorce. I just saw it this week. What do you know about her?"

"She's told everybody that the husband was abusive and she had to get away. She's said that her parents are takin' care of her kids until she gets settled. We've had her over at the house for dinner a time or two with her boyfriend Darnell. Says she calls the kids daily."

"Billy, I can vouch for my cousin Gary. He may be big and not so bright at times, but there is not a mean bone in his body. Gary takes after our grandfather. Family and kids are always first.

"You gotta understand. My grandfather's father abandoned his family in the depression. The guy was a drunk and did something bad. Nobody will tell us what it was. Believe me, even with internet searches, it doesn't still come up. It also happened in the late '20's early 30's. That's nearly 90 years ago. That asshole just disappeared after that. Grandpa never saw his father until an older sister showed him the grave years later when granddad was in his 20's. The last time he saw his father was when he was 3 years old. What the fuck do you remember at 3?

"From my father's side, all my Aunts and uncles and my cousins were brought up with the importance of family." Billy exhaled. We both were quiet for a minute.

"You remember the line out of Reagan in the 80's? Trust, but verify? We've been friends a long time, but I want to make sure that you read the court findings. Don't trust me blindly. This has pissed me off so badly that I ...I..."

"Hey Billy. Be cool. You know that we're on the same page and I'll get Jeannie on the same page too. You remember when she let me know that I shouldn't be hanging around Perkins? It was only 6 months later that he got busted for running meth to Nashville. No buddy, we will be on the same page on this woman."

"I've scanned a bunch of stuff including the trial transcripts. She's paying child support for both kids to be with her loser. I've seen both of the twins and the older one. The older one hates her guts and the youngest ones just can't understand." Billy paused and came back with an exasperated "Fuck it, I can't understand.

"One of the things in life that we both know is that kids are important, that we need to be honest, that.." he paused, "I've been worried about what she's been telling people."

We were both quiet. The football game was long over and no one cared.

"Billy?"

"Yea Dan."

"Let me think about this a bit. I didn't want to share this with you but I've been having some real issues with Jeannie. As you know, we've been going together about a year and I'm starting to see some things. There's more than a bit of immaturity and pettiness. The longer we've been together the more things I see that I'm worried about."

"Hey buddy, don't let that throw you. No relationship is perfect. It takes a bit of time to... She seems to ..."

"Thanks Billy, but it's more than that." We both became silent. That's the thing with guys; sometimes silence between people that we are close to is what we need. Many times, women want to talk more. Talking more is not bad; it's just different for guys sometimes. This was that sometimes.

"Billy, I know that I have to talk with her about this." In a hurried voice I added, "and also about her and me. I don't know how this is going to come out."

"Listen Dan. Do you remember when we were in basic and they spent their time breaking down who we were and started making us into a team?" Billy paused and waited for an acknowledgement. All Billy got was a bit of silence. He knew it was OK.

"We became a team. Now you got your marching orders."

"YYYou know that you're a fuckin' asshole." We both laughed.

========================

It was a great party, if you knew everybody and wanted to be there. I was there because I was dragged there. I wasn't happy about it.

The 'discussions' that I had with Jeannie three months ago did not go well. Saying that it did not go well was saying that the Titanic sideswiped an ice cube.

She became defensive, she attacked me, and she denied anything that was negative of her friend. It was a blowup of epic proportions. I visualized Charleston Heston as Moses in that 50's movie as Moses parting the Red Sea and then drowning Pharaoh's chariots.

I was the charioteer at the front of the line.

No amount of preparation, no amount of love and caring prepared me for the anger and self-rightness that I got back from her.

I held out for hope with Jeannie, and hope is what let me down. It took me several weeks to finally box all the stuff she left at my apartment and send it back to her. Fed-Ex delivered it to the hospital wing where she worked. Her own apartment building had a history of getting packages 'liberated' from the entryway.

I closed the book on that relationship. It hurt but I knew that it had to be done. It was kind of like doing rehab after being wounded. Either hurt now or be limited for the rest of your life. All I could think was ...God damn son-of-a-bitch mother fucker...then I stated really swearing.

After two months after that, Carla, my buddy from work and her husband Tom demanded that I come to their party. She was going to slap me if I didn't come, and I knew it.

Never mess with a short Italian. I knew that Tom's buddies would hunt me down and drag me to the party if I didn't come. Then they'd get me wasted, but I'd surrounded by people that wanted me to be around. Then they'd get me laid. They were Marines too. Once a Marine, always a Marine. Sometime a good drunk and a good fuck can get you started again. It was time to move on.

I arrived wearing clean tidy whities after having eaten a full meal. No better way to sop up all the alcohol that was going to be poured past my lips. I knew that I would always have a drink thrust in my hand. I also knew that I'd not be allowed to do anything stupid.

Close friends are everything. I was going to let go. After an hour of mingling and talking to a couple of nice women, and one that was unattached, I sat down in the back yard alone and watched the sun set.

Being slightly buzzed, I was able to appreciate the end of the day and the new people. Spacing out, I drank in the quiet sunset alone. I was a little surprised that Tom's buddies had not yet got me wasted. That was more than ok. I figured that I could sneak out before I drank more and couldn't drive anymore. Success was getting the phone number from Charlene, that unattached woman. There were going to be another party next week at her place.

Looking at the sunset, I realized that it was time to move on and sober up enough to go home. The thing about moving on, I knew to not push it. It'll start to come to me if I am open and ready for it. Let things happen as I am able. I am feeling at peace about the future. It's time to move on.

Suddenly I heard a request. "Is there any one sitting here?" It was Jeanne and my good mood immediately evaporated.

Always be nice, always be professional, always give the person the benefit of the doubt. That is, until their true intent hits me in the face. When that happens then it's all over. No further reason than to be polite.

"No problem at all. You're welcome. I was planning on leaving on a few minutes..." I then immediately clammed up. There will be no openings, no invites, no sharing, and no bullshit.

"Dan?" She looked at me. I knew that she wanted me to look at her. I'm angry and hurt, but like physical therapy, you got to go through some pain to be healed. She came to me. I can choose to be angry and hurt and hurt back. Or I can choose to be open and hear her. I can choose to be an ass...or not.

"Dan?" She saw me looking at her and I nodded yes. She smiled in reply. I guess that that was good sign. "Can we talk?" I nodded yes again and she sat down with a look of fear and concern and...? I don't know, but I knew that it was not anger.

"Let me start out that when we spoke last, I was pretty pissed. How dare you confront me, how dare you tell me my friend was a lying sack of shit..."

"Wait a minute. I never said that."

"Right. You never said that in those words, but that was pretty accurate? Wasn't it?" I nodded yes. If you can, don't defend the indefensible. Takes less energy and it lets you move on with your life quicker. Just because you want something to be true it doesn't mean that it will ever be true. I don't live in the land of pretend. People pretend so they feel better. They pay no attention to how they are being treated, how they are being lied to, how they've become a mark. It's part of the human condition. What did Machiavelli write? "Men will always find someone to lie to them." That was published in 1515. People don't ever change.

"To make a long story short, after I got less angry, I started to think about what you said, and implied and led me to think. You were always good about making me think outside of myself.

"I want to say before I say anything more; I said nothing to Colleen or anyone else about what you told me. I may have been pissed about what you said, but something stopped me from breaking the confidence you asked of me."

I was worried about her doing anything that would make Coleen's life difficult to the point that she might want to go back home or even talk with her kids. With her personality, she'd emotionally fuck her kids over again. Coleen was a vindictive self-centered bitch with a temper. That's another reason for her ex's desire to never see her again.

"Thank you Jeannie. Not so much for me but for those three girls and their fathers." She smiled at my acknowledgement. There was tenseness with her, a fear, something dark in her face.

"It's been 3 months since you asked me to listen to you. At first it was about Coleen. Even then I realized that you were also describing part of me too. That's why I went off the deep end with you." She pulled some tissues from her purse and wiped her eyes. "You touched the part of me that I always feared, the part I tried to hide from, you fucking bastard."

That shocked me until I saw the look on her face. Her voice was angry, but her face showed her fear. "I freaked out. You found me out and weren't even officially talking about me."

"That's right Jeannie. You've always been one to put up a front, to never let anyone in. Can't handle constructive criticism, nothin'." I closed my eyes and waited for a couple of minutes. "We're different people. I can't treat people like shit. It's not a 'kum-by-ya everything is beautiful' world. But I don't want the drama, I don't want the anger, I don't want the hiding that our relationship has been like." I exhaled and looked away for a second.

Taking another sip of my drink and finding it empty I chuckled. "I'm a discharged marine that has seen life and death and I personally know mutilation. I need somebody to share my life with.

"I know we all have places where no one goes, but..." I looked at her face now, "But I need to share my life with someone that will share their life back too. Somebody that is going to respect the people around them. Somebody that's going to want a family and support other families. That's why the problem with Coleen hit me so hard."

Jeannie smiled, then grinned, then started to chuckle. WTF is she doing? "Dan, before you slug me..."

"Wait a minute, I HAVE NOT AND I WILL NEVER HIT A WOMAN, unless she is aiming a gun at me or somebody else..."

"Dan I know that. Let me explain myself." She sat up and faced me, looking clearly into my eyes. "I looked up some of the court records on Colleen and even spoke with both of the fathers as well as Billy. That woman scares me now. Her boyfriend, even more.

"She really can't be trusted to say anything true. Found out she's gotten let go from several nursing jobs for irregularities. I've realized that I've tossed the unit's meds key to her to lock up for me." Jeannie shook her head, "Never again."

"I've also heard about the damage that she's done with her kids. I know that you hate psycho-babble, but this is real. She's got Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

"Yep, you're right Jeannie, I don't like psycho-babble."

"Ok, here is what's it all about. Grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. Does that sound familiar?" I nodded yes. It was familiar in more than Colleen. "She's arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. The world revolves around her."

"Yea, that's right. The rules don't apply to her. So what about it Jeannie?"

She reached for my hand. I was half thinking to not touch her, to withhold me. But another part of me was starting to feel that this was the new and improved Jeannie? I didn't know.

Make up your mind asshole, err toward trust. I reached out and held her hand as she looked me directly in the eyes, tears and fears painting her face, followed by a hopeful smile.

"I know now that we've been in trouble, been in trouble before you found out about Colleen. I know that I'm part of it. I'm also smart enough that it takes two people to try to fix things.

"Dan, could I interest you in attempting, not guaranteeing, but honestly attempting to rebuild our relationship? Together? Please?" She held her breath.

"You are the best thing that has happened to me. Right now, I know that I'm not good enough. I know that I have to change. Part of looking closely at Colleen, I realized that I was going down her path. Seeing pictures of those kids, hearing what the fathers said about how they are coping...That is not the kind of life I want. I want a loving and healthy life with you and I hope that...errrr." She stopped saying what she was going to say.

"Finish what you were going to say Jeannie. If we are moving on in our lives, we have to say, with respect and caring, what we feel." I smiled and held her hand lovingly.

It took her a couple of seconds for what I implied to be recognized. Her eyes grew wide, tears started flowing. A big smile erupted on her face. "After we work things out between us, would we want to have children?" I nodded yes.