Mr. and Mrs. America

It's about trying to retain your soul and recharging it through the lives of others.

My life was nothing to write home about. At least I didn't think it was. I was a boring professor. I would never change the world or save people by taking down a terrorist cell. I just had my family and my life. Lots of dull moments interspersed with moments of profound joy, and sorrow, and silliness and seriousness. And love. How can you measure a life without taking account of those you love and who love you? Watching my kids be born and grow up. Seeing parts of me in them; parts of Jo; and parts that were neither of us, just uniquely them. Watching my students shuffle through, as the years go by. Some had some success in the world; one was a TV show presenter, trying to bring the past to life. Two had written books and one was an interpreter at the United Nations. Watching Jo become a lawyer, and a good one. She really did do the pro bono work, but it was hard to fit it in. A successful lawyer is always busy -- there are always contracts to be reviewed. She eventually got her Chief Counsel position at another company and managed to bring a few hired guns with her, so it wasn't all her, which gave her some degree of her life back.

She was still busy, but we made time for each other. We had date night once a week, much to the vocal disgust of all our offspring. We'd make out with each other, just to annoy them and make them dramatically retch.

We played practical jokes on each other, wrote each other notes and the sex, well, its still going and going well. Recently she's been on a role-playing kick. I quite like the cheerleader and quarterback one, although to be honest, I don't much look the part any more. She does though. In spades.

The thing is, through all this -- through all the reflection on life, while reading his letter - I realize I'd forgiven her. And by extension, him. It was a shitty thing to do, but I understand why, at least from an academic point of view. And I had to admit, she was right about the outcome. I wouldn't give up what I had for anything.

I was mad. I still am, to be honest. But, it was 23 years ago. Half a lifetime. The half that made me who I am today. A happy man. A loved man. A man who is far from perfect but is comfortable in his own skin and proud of himself and his family and the life he has lived. Could that man forgive a wrong done to him 23 years ago by those who meant well and ultimately were probably right in their belief even if very wrong in how they did it? I could. I wasn't going to destroy my marriage because they'd over stepped the mark. It wasn't worth it. He was dead, but she was not. I love her; I forgive her; I will not forget however. He may have been a spy, but she is a lawyer. I do mostly trust her and know, even in this huge lie, long continued, that she was doing what she thought best for both of us. So, we will be fine. We are fine. We are better than fine. We are together.

If you are reading this, I'm gone. Please understand I did what I did for you. For Mr. & Mrs. America, who are personified in you. I thought I would have it all, and quickly realized I would have nothing. But it wasn't too late for you. You could have it all. And you did. You do. Jake, You have it all!

Thanks for being my friend and always having my back. Don't be mad that I spiked your career. You have an infinitely better life now. I wish I had it. Live it for me, and think of me every once in a while

I love you man. Always have. The brother I never always had.

Mike

The tears came then. I'd not cried once, but now they came.

That's how Jo found me, sitting on the couch, bawling my eyes out. She saw me, dropped her bags, came over, crouched down and wrapped her arms around me, rest her head on mine.

"Let it out Jake. Let it go. We are here and we always will be. Just be glad he was there to be your friend."

Sometimes you never know what you've got till you don't anymore. I was just lucky to have realized it. It just took the life of my best friend for me to see it.

So, thanks Mike. Thanks for making me understand what is important. I'll always remember you.