Mr. Lewis Ch. 04

What can I say to you all that have been waiting for so long??? Is there any type of condolence I can give to make it right? That's highly doubtful. I feel like crap, and I'm actually quite angry. I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at my computer...and by God, I'm angry with Ryan Lewis.

I'm angry with myself for downloading a bad version of Firefox, which caused me to lose all of my previous work on this book and others. I'm mad at my computer for transferring that virus onto my flashdrive and corrupting the only saved version of the Mr. Lewis file. I'm mad at myself for almost giving up and not writing anymore. I don't even know how I refrained from throwing my computer at the wall, but I did.

Why am I angry with Ryan Lewis? The answer is below.

*****

Turn Around

"Back again, Miss Matthews?"

I wasn't sure why Mr. Fox even greeted me with the asinine question that he did. My visits to his office were weekly ever since Ryan and my final break up. Every Friday, at the end of sixth period, I would go to Mr. Fox's office and attempt to persuade him to take me out of Ryan's class. I'd had no luck and I was starting to think Fox wasn't going to crack. It'd been two months of me begging without positive results.

I took my usual seat in my assistant principal's office—the one in front of my favorite candy dish filled with Starbursts.

"Yes, Mr. Fox, I'm afraid I am. You see, I'm still horrifically bored in Ry—I mean...Mr. Lewis's class and he's told me repeatedly that I disrupt his teaching. I would like to benefit both of us—not to mention my class—by being removed from the environment and placed into a study hall."

Mr. Fox folded his hands, an amused look on his face. "And as I've told you, Miss Matthews, there are no more study hall seats left. It's is just too close to the end of the year."

"But I'm sure something can be worked out. There's no reason why a quiet and well-behaved student like me can't be added to an already sparse study hall."

Mr. Fox peered at me through his designer frames. "Is there something else you'd like to talk about, Danica? Not many people request to be transferred out of Mr. Lewis's class. In fact, I find it to be the opposite. Did something happen?"

I busied myself with the candy jar to hide my face. "No need to go all Dumbledore on me... Like I said, I've been through the material. I'm not sure what my parents were thinking by signing me up for the class knowing I already took it."

"They know of your love for history, I'm sure."

I shrugged.

"Look Danica, the year is basically over. From what I understand, your biggest project is out of the way. I usually don't say this but... tune the man out. Doodle, write some poetry; I don't know. But you will be in that class until graduation," Mr. Fox said, effectively ending our conversation while standing up. "And I don't want to see you back in my office unless it's to discuss graduation or college plans."

My college plans made me even sicker than going to Ryan's class every day. As another token of their love and support, my parents signed me up for Illinois State University and trashed my hopes of going back to California.

"But ISU is in a different town, Dan," Cori said at my complaint-fest that was known to the general public as lunchtime.

"The neighboring town! And the zoning is so fucked they might as well combine the two and save everyone the trouble of figuring out where the stupid dividing lines are."

"What are you gonna say next? 'This town isn't big enough for the both of us'?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Well, he's the one that said it that way."

Cori placed her hand on my forearm. "I think you both did, but that was so long ago. A lot can change in two months, Dan."

"Not this. There's no coming back from this, Cori. My only hope was to get out of here after graduation, but now I can't even do that."

"Yeah, but you get a nice, shiny new condo!"

"Ugh!" I groaned. "Another bribe! Why is it that people with money think that spending is a Band-Aid for everything?"

"Dan, honey, your parents don't even know you're bleeding."

I had to give her that. No one knew I was "bleeding" besides God and Cori. I thought the breakup would be easier, knowing Ryan didn't want me like I wanted him; but it wasn't. My mind was full of regret and wondering.

What if I had been nicer?

What if I would've told him that I was staying in Bloomington when my parents surprised me in January?

There were so many questions left unanswered; so many choices already made...but Cori was right, all of that was a while ago. None of it could be taken back; although I wanted to retract every word. Ryan told me I hurt his feelings, and if I were being honest, I wanted to at that point. I wanted him to feel a shred of the pain I felt when he broke up with me. All in all, I wanted him to feel bad and take me back; but, when I figured out that wasn't going to happen, I wanted to get away from him. Not for my sake, but his.

I could feel the heat of anger and aggression run off him as we had our final stare down two months ago, and even more than that, I could feel how "done" he was. Ryan said he was out for good, and I believed him. For that reason, I wanted to give him space to get on with his life; but, in that I was also being selfish. I knew moving away would also protect me.

Ryan moving on would entail him forgetting about me and finding a new girlfriend; and although I was okay with him forgetting about me, I had no clue how I would take to him moving on with another girl. The thought of him holding her hand, kissing her...touching her in a sexual manner...penetrating her...

"Dani, what's wrong? You look sick. I told you not to get that taco salad."

"Nothing," I lied. "I'm just not feeling good." I didn't have to lie about that. Thinking about the man you love being with another female would make any girl sick to their stomach.

"See, I knew we shouldn't have gone away for Spring Break! The doctor said 'no', but you just had to do something," Cori ranted, and I half expected her to start waving her index finger at me.

"Can you blame me?" I huffed, rising from my chair. "I'll see you later, okay?" I turned away before Cori could answer.

I spent the rest of the day in a funk—even more so when I had to go to Ryan's class. It's not like I had to talk to the man or anything, but being around him was still...unsettling. I sighed as my hand rested on the door handle.

There was a time when I would be eager to get to Ryan's class. I would anticipate our interactions in school and out.

A smile spread across my face as I remembered how we would meet at the coffee shop in Barnes and Noble and I would sip on a caramel mocha while he scribbled on my papers with red ink. Occasionally, he would wiggle the pen, look up at me, and wink. My heart would flutter in my chest, and I'd try to hide it, of course. Those were the simple days—the days I missed almost more than anything.

Above all, I missed being the girl in Ryan's life. I craved for more of our late night talks, watching the history channel, eating Chinese take out on his living room floor...we barely had any time together at all.

"We were finished before we even started," I said, wiping a tear from my cheek.

"Danica?"

I cringed. "How long have you been standing there?" I asked, wiping another tear from my face.

"Not long." Ryan tried to sound innocent, but I knew he was lying. "Were you planning on coming to my class today?"

"Not really," I lied. "I was more so internally debating the issue."

"Well, if it helps, today isn't one of your normal skip days."

That brought me up short. I was almost ninety percent sure Ryan didn't notice or even care when I skipped class.

Maybe he did want me...

No. No...I had to nip those thoughts in the bud. He made it clear the last time we spoke that he had no desire to be with me. I could not allow myself to hope or dare to dream...I'd fall right back in the same rut.

"I'd also like to point out that class is not its usual format today. You'd probably want to come."

I cocked my head to the side. "Why do you always do that?"

His eyebrows puckered. "Do what?"

"Ever since I can remember, you've left things open-ended...like you're trying to entice everyone, or something."

"I feel that...curiosity...tends to win people over."

"You mean it gets them to do what you want. In this case...that'd be me coming to your class."

He reached past me and opened the door to the classroom. "You're not gonna want to miss this. After you, Miss Matthews." Ryan motioned grandly to the classroom entrance.

I fixed my face to keep it in a neutral position. There was no way I was going to let him know he still had an effect on me. Ryan began talking before I could reach my seat.

"Alright people, I'm gonna be honest with you...I don't feel like teaching today."

The class immediately perked up.

"It's toward the end of the year, senior week starts Monday, and all we have left is the final; so, why not have a final review?"

"What kind of review?" Erin asked as she bounced up and down in her seat. "Jeopardy? Hangman?"

"Jeopardy. BUT... you have to recite your answers as if you were in the heat of a rap battle."

I let a chuckle escape my lips before I could stop it.

"You find my game funny, Miss Matthews?"

"Funny? No. More so bat shit crazy."

The class chuckled and Ryan's mouth perked up into a smile. "Don't curse in my class, Miss Matthews."

His old line had me grinning like an idiot. I hated and loved it.

Get a grip, Dani. Get a grip, I chanted until my smile faded. He doesn't want you. He's just being nice.

"Mr. Lewis is in a good mood," Erin giggled.

"He is..."

"For a while there he seemed down all the time. I mean, he just wasn't the same. I think he's more himself now."

"I wonder why that is," I drummed my fingers along the faux wood desk.

And wonder I did...for the rest of that week. I wondered...and studied him...then wondered some more.

Ryan was different.

He had a spring in his step...light in his eyes...and he was actually talking to me. He picked back up the habit of calling on me in class and say hello to me if we crossed paths in the hallway. We weren't meeting up at bookstores or coffee shops yet, but I was sure it would happen soon.

"I know it all sounds too good to be true, Danica, but I'd wait it out and see what happens. I mean...I just don't want you to get your hopes up and get let down again," Cori told me.

"I don't have my hopes up."

She folded her arms and tapped her foot, her lips sealed as she peered through me.

"Okay...okay! Maybe I have been thinking that he wants to reconcile; but you can't blame me! You should see him. It's like December never happened."

"Maybe he's acting that way for another reason," Cori shrugged. "Just be careful, Dani—especially with the fact that you're going to prom with Dustin."

"What does prom and Dustin have to do with anything?"

Cori tossed her hands in front of her. "I just don't want you to get into a situation that will end up hurting you. Like I said, be careful. Especially with Dustin."

"When did you become the responsible one? I'm not sure I like this situation."

"Love blinds people. I'm here to be the voice of reason."

"For now. I think Liam is gonna have you swooning by the end of prom night," I said, swaying on my feet with my hand to my head like a damsel. "Oh, Liam! Yes, I will let you ravish me on, this, our prom night!" I made wet, sloppy kissing noises, making Cori's freckled skin turn pink.

"Shut up, Dani. People will hear you."

"Everybody knows you're going to prom with Liam Kaine, Cori."

"Yeah, but I don't want them thinking we're gonna be doing some prom extra curriculars, if you catch my drift."

"Ah, whatever," I waved a hand as I closed my locker. "If you do, you do. If you don't, then you don't. "

"I guess. But hey, for real. Be careful in that class," Cori warned.

"I'll keep my hopes so low, they'll sink to the core of the earth."

Cori shook her head before walking to seventh hour. I basically skipped on the way there.

Ryan was in a good mood, but he kept running his fingers through his hair during our "robot voice" themed game of Jeopardy. After my team won, he asked me to stay behind to speak with him after class. My stomach and heart performed somersaults that nearly had me winded. I stayed in my seat as the rest of the class filed out.

"Parker, will you grab the door behind you?" Ryan called to the gangly boy skulking toward the door.

The kid moved like a sloth, which was surprising for his mile-long legs. The door clicked shut with an eerie finality that sent a jolt through me.

I waited for Ryan to speak, and was reminded of the last time we sat in silence for so long.

When he was breaking up with me.

My heart thudded even harder, but I took comfort in the fact that he couldn't break up with me again seeing as we weren't together.

Ryan ran his hands through his hair before speaking. "Come here." He patted the seat next to him.

I sat down, intoxicated by our proximity to one another.

Ryan folded his hands in front of his lips, squeezed and released before beginning to speak. "Danica, I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "For everything that happened between us. A lot of what happened shouldn't have...I was...ugh." He rubbed his face and sighed again. "I was stupid."

"For what? I don't get what you're saying, Mr. Lewis."

"Don't call me that, Danica."

"I'm lost."

"I'm sorry. I'm not being very clear. My thoughts have been a mess ever since...well, never mind. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry and that I'm proud of you."

I cocked my head to the side. I was at a total loss. Proud of me? For what reason? I barely came to his class before this week, and when I did come, I was quiet and unresponsive.

"I expected you to give me grief for the rest of the school year, but you didn't. I'm not thrilled about you skipping, but I'm proud that you found a way to channel your emotions that didn't result in either one of us becoming even more hurt. The way you've been behaving is closer to the Danica I knew. I want you to continue with this behavior."

"Okay. Is that why you held me back? To talk about my behavior?" I wrung my hands, my nervousness seeking an outlet.

"Not entirely. I have more...personal...matters to discuss."

"Personal? How personal are we talking?"

"Not that personal," he said. "Not at all. I just think...I don't know."

"For fuck's sake Ryan, spit it out. I'm about to slap you!"

"Mouth, Danica. We're still in school," Ryan ran his hand through his hair before settling it on his lap. "Look, Danica. I wanted you to stay so I could talk to you in private about some changes in my life—changes that involve you. I don't know how you're going to respond, but there's something I have to get out."

My rising hope was about to explode through the roof. I knew what he was going to say; my heart ached to hear the words that would reunite us. But my hopes were extinguished as the door to the classroom was opened.

"Ryan, I thought we were supposed to meet. Oh—" Mr. Fox saw me and switched into assistant principal mode. "Miss Matthews, what a surprise."

"Yes, Mr. Fox. Danica and I were just discussing the upcoming final exam. I wanted her to be aware that her previous school would not have had the same final and that she should take mine as seriously as any other final."

Dang, Ryan was good! I would've been flubbing around for minutes trying to come up with a plausible excuse for being in his classroom with the door closed.

"Ah, good. Good," Mr. Fox said, nodding his head. "We're all waiting for you in the staff office, Mr. Lewis. Remember the staff meeting?"

Ryan shot out of his chair. "I forgot. Danica, we'll have to finish this discussion at a later date. But I'm sure you get the gist of what I was trying to convey."

I smiled and nodded. "Sure. I'll see you Monday, Mr. Lewis."

Ryan slightly cringed but bid me pleasant salutations before leaving.

Cloud nine didn't even describe where I was at as I left the school. Ryan and I were going to be a couple again! I could barely stand the energy pulsing through me as I drove home. I called Cori from my bedroom that night and she offered her congratulations before I rushed her off the phone. I didn't want the line tied up if Ryan decided to call me.

I fell asleep waiting, but I sent him a text on my way out of the door the following morning.

*Glad we started that talk yesterday ;) Maybe we could finish it sometime soon?*

"Sexting already?" Cori chuckled as I climbed into her Jeep.

"Ha ha. No. I was just seeing when we were going to get together and finish our talk."

"He hasn't contacted you yet?"

"No."

"Oh," she said, deadpan.

"What?"

"Nothing. So, to Bridal Elegance we go! What colors are you and Dustin wearing again?"

I sensed her evasion. "No. No. What were you gonna say, Cori?"

"I don't know. I just find it odd that he wants to get back together but didn't contact you at all last night. But it could be nothing, Dani. Men do that sometimes."

"You don't think he wants to get back together...you think he's playing me?"

"No! I never said that, Danica. I just wonder what he was up to last night is all."

"I'm sure he'll tell me when he texts me back."

"I know. So...colors?"

"Burnt orange," I huffed.

"Oh. Makes sense. You both have the right skin tone for it. Liam wants to go with green. Smart man. It'll contrast the red of my hair, which I can't wait to have dyed, by the way."

"Mmhmm."

"Dani. Come on. Don't be mad at me. I just have your best interest at heart."

"I know, Cori. I just wish you were a little more accepting of Ryan and I getting back together."

"No! I'm all for it!"

I continued as if she hadn't said anything. "Do you not like him anymore or something?"

"Danica. I do like Mr. Lewis. Ryan. I mean, Ryan. I just don't want you to get to thinking this relationship is going to be something different than what it can be. He'll still be your teacher for a little over a week. Not only that, but you may have to keep it under wraps until you finish college."

I sighed. "You're right. We probably will. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but I'd rather have him and know that he's mine as opposed to the other option. I hated being without him, Cori. I made mistakes during our breakup, but I think I've changed enough to where I can see my faults clearly enough. He even said I was acting better and that he was proud of me."

"I know. I know. Hey, it'll all work out, but in the meantime," Cori said, throwing the car into park, "we need to bring sexy back. I hope they've restocked their inventory. What a travesty it'd be to show up to prom in the same dress as another girl," Cori put on a face of mock horror.

I had to laugh. The last time I saw two girls at a school function with the same dress on, one of the girls left the dance crying because juice was "accidentally" spilled on her. "Let's do it."

We spent hours in the store—well over our appointment time. I think the consultant was getting irritated with us, but it was our senior prom. Of course we had to use our brains to pick the appropriate dresses. The bell that chimed with the door sounded through the store and our consultant jumped. "Ladies, if you'll excuse me."

I laughed as she rounded the corner. "She's had it with us."

"At least we found our dresses. We need to get out of here anyway; we have our hair appointment soon. Which I don't know why you scheduled this early anyway."