Music Man Pt. 03

"Wendy had always been a good friend to me, and I fell for the trick Zak and Amos played when Amos got her to give them to me. Those two knew I would smell a rat if Zak gave them to me. The press reports and the emails agreed totally, that's why I believed them. I have since read the emails between Amos and Zak, and they sicken me."

Another breath and a pause.

"I didn't just believe everything right away either, but I showed what I had to a good number of friends, mine and ours, and they all, without exception, agreed you were guilty. That's what pushed me over the edge, the unanimity and violence of their reaction.

"I can't remember a time I was so angry, or felt so betrayed and let down as I did then. Your actions seemed so callous, so casual, and I thought your emails were so hypocritical sighing that you longed to be with me, and how lonely and home-sick you were. All the while you were sleeping with more than one woman."

Ged made to interrupt, but she continued, overriding his attempt.

"Oh, I know it was all groundless now, but I did not know that then. I lost it completely; you should ask Cheryl or Julie what my state of mind was, and the advice they gave me, which I heeded, and now wish I hadn't.

"They were telling me to get my own back, and in the middle of it all there was Zak, suddenly on the scene, and giving gentle sympathy. He was clever. He never pushed himself forward, just listened, which was unusual for him. He said he had changed, and it seemed he had."

She took a drink of water from the glass on the table.

"You need to understand how distressed, hopeless and yes, lonely I felt. My future was always and completely with you, and now there was nothing. Zak was there.

"As I say, he assured me he had changed; he even lied about that. He said he left the band because he realised that he'd lost me by living their way. He said you had fallen into their ways. Impossible not to. Our relationship grew slowly-"

Here Ged let out a snort of derision. "Slowly? Beginning to marriage in eight or nine months!"

"Ged," she snapped, "You said you'd wait."

"Sorry, but-"

"Yes, I know. What I meant is that he took it slowly. Not like the first time with him. It was as if I was in a dream; I just fell in with his plans. He was the best future I could see in the circumstances. I'm sorry, but I was so depressed, I was apathetic.

"Ged, it was a horrid mistake. I hurt you very badly. I admit it and ask your forgiveness. You were hurt, but you've no idea how much I was hurt at the time. How d'you think I feel now having been manipulated and used by Zak as a tool for some misguided revenge against you?

"Please, I'm begging you, I love you so much, you are still my life, and now I know you were always faithful. I've been faithful too; I have not cheated. I finished with you misguidedly, before going anywhere near Zak. My mistake was believing so much cleverly presented concerted 'evidence'. You've been with other women since as well. I can live with that. Is there any chance for us?"

She looked at him. He sat still, stony faced. No answer.

"That's it." she said at last, as the silence grew. "I'm telling you I want to start again with you. Any way you want. You were always my life and my future, and you still are. I've said my piece. Your turn."

She could tell from his face, which she could always read, that her plea had failed. She steeled herself for his response.

For his part, Ged, had been expecting something like this. It was not good enough for him. On one level he ached for this beautiful woman. He longed to reach out to her, but that in itself provoked the most intense resentment and anger. He struggled with himself to maintain an even keel.

"I can see how it's quite clear to you. You had a relationship with me. You thought I cheated. You rejected me. You married someone else. It turned out you had been duped. You rejected the man who tricked you. Now you want to go back to your previous lover. Sorry, In my case it doesn't work like that."

He paused, noting she understood clearly what he was saying. He needed to get answers. He thought he would set out his position and then ask questions.

"There are problems with what you say, which you haven't addressed. I have questions, but first I want you to see how it appears to me.

"It concerns two things, and as far as I can see they are linked closely, and I think they rule out us getting together again.

"You met Zak long before you met me. You were bowled over by him, and you fell in love with him. He was the love of your life and you gave yourself to him totally. He did something for you that no one else ever did."

He looked at her inviting her agreement and she nodded.

"Then he cheated. You had done everything in your power to keep him and he cheated. With a blonde, I believe. You dumped him. Completely. Absolutely. Permanently.

"After a while you found me. You saw my reaction to you, how I fell completely in love with you, but as far as I can understand now, I must have been a substitute for him. You took me because he had rubbished you. I think after what has happened - the speed you married him - you always longed for him, you never got over him."

"No that's not-"

"I kept quiet for you. You do the same." He snapped. His tone was cold. She flinched and pressed her lips together.

"What I'm doing here is showing you how it looks to me, and I think this is the real way it is. When I started with that bloody band you were vehemently against them. You recited their moral failings to me again and again, and Zak's in particular, but you took up with him and married him in short order in spite of that!

"That's what shows me how much you still wanted him. I was second best, but when it seemed I had cheated, you then had chance of a way back to Zak, especially if as you say, he showed he had changed into a faithful partner. That's why you dumped me so easily and so completely and didn't want to hear anything I had to say in my defence. My defence would get in the way of your return to your first and best love.

"As far as you were concerned, the only two men you really loved both cheated. Did you treat them the same? No. You finished with both, but then you went back to your first. You wouldn't have come back to me, would you?

"The second thing is this. You lapped up his protestations that he had changed. You then took him into my flat - that I was paying for. You took him into our bed.

"That must have erased me from your life completely. I bet the two of you had a real laugh that you were living at my expense! That was vindictive and vengeful. I don't know whether I can ever forgive that.

"Zak was always the number one in your life. He was the one you craved sexually. I bet he had the cock you adored, now you could get him for good.

"And that's the other thing that proves you always really wanted him: you got engaged and then got married incredibly fast! You didn't even let me know! I had to find out from other people. You've no idea how some of them crowed about that.

"Now? You find that the number one in your life was playing you for a fool all along. What will you do? Go back to good old Ged. He might be second best, but if you play on his good nature you might be able to make a life with him. From the size of his house he's making a packet out of his music, he'll be a gravy train for life.

"Sorry Cassie, it won't work. You blew it. Now you live with it."

The bitterness came leaking out. She began to speak but he still hadn't finished.

"What I can't understand is why you hated me so much, that in addition to dumping me, you had to trample all over me by having Zak in my flat and our bed. He has a house; you could have gone there. You went there eventually after you married him, didn't you?

"Cassie, having him in my flat was really nasty. I learned about it from Gus. I was alone out on tour, no way back. I had done nothing wrong and you were fucking the bastard in my flat; you can imagine the images I had so far away. You lived there with him rent free, electricity and gas free, council tax free. You knew perfectly well that I was paying for that. How could you do that with him and live with yourself?

"Zak must be quite a stud, mustn't he? How do you think it felt living a celibate life and imagining you screaming with pleasure on his big cock, sucking on him, riding him, showering with him, being taken from behind and yelling encouragement? Wonderful experience that was. You think I could trust you again after that? Next time my inadequate little tool was not enough, would you be going after some other guy's big cock?

"It hurt me Cassie, being helpless. I know you never even read my emails, because Annette gave me permission to tell you she was a lesbian, even giving her partner's phone number so you could check. You never even read them! Why didn't you read them? Why?"

The last word came out as a cry. He had been sitting on the edge of the chair and now he sank back, defeat written all over him.

She gazed at him in sudden appreciation. Until then she had not truly grasped how it felt from his point of view, stuck thousands of miles from home, and the love of his life refusing to listen to him, refusing any explanation, leaving him in limbo, while he learned she was seeing the man who had cheated on her before.

She had not thought how it would be for him imagining them having sex. She had not thought what an insult it was to bring Zak into the flat. She had done it because it was home to her, nothing more. Indeed, so wrapped up in her own feelings was she, that she had not really thought about Ged's feelings at all.

Now she realised that his hurt ran immensely deep and could have killed his love for her. She had wanted to explain her position and her hurt, and had learned about his. He was talking again remaining collapsed in the chair.

"In addition to all that, I think you still prefer Zak over me. I think you still crave the sex. Why else would you be so keen on marrying him? We lived together for ages and were not even thinking of marrying, even immediately after I got back. We were both earning enough; he was earning nothing!

You still married him even though he had nothing. You could have stayed living with him until I got back and then you could have confronted me. Why did you marry him, Cassie?"

Was that true, she asked herself. And she realised she had never asked the question why she married him rather than simply living with him. She never even thought he was sponging off her, which now she could see clearly, he was.

"Please, Ged," she pleaded. "About Zak's animalistic sex appeal? Yes, you're right, he does attract me sexually, but with you there is the same sexual attraction and in addition we are soul mates. Zak might have sex appeal, but that's all it is.You reach the whole me. You filled the whole of my life, the attraction was not just sex, so much more, that's what hurt me so much."

His look of disbelief angered her. "You married him because he turned you on sexually and nothing else? That was all?"

"No Ged-"

"And you say we were soul mates," Ged went on. "I fail to see how a soul mate could do what you did. It's a load of rubbish!"

"OK, Ged," she snapped, her patience exhausted. "So you don't believe me. I now understand very keenly how you felt thanks to my stupidity, but I suffered too and you are choosing to ignore that.

"I've told you the truth, but I can see I'm getting nowhere. I don't understand the intensity of some of my actions, except in terms of a mental breakdown, but you aren't really interested in that are you?

"You need to remember that we're both victims here and we've both suffered a lot. Perhaps when you're not so wrapped up in your own hurt, you'll start to consider mine as well. The evidence was false, but my pain was and still is real.

"Go back to your casual women, Ged. I won't take up any more of your time. I can see from your point of view it's never going to work for us ever again. Why don't you just go?"

Ged was surprised by her outburst. He was nonplussed. He had come to her full of his own resentment, expecting grovelling apologies and desperate pleas to go back together. Admittedly she had humbly apologised, and told him how she saw it.

She had made it clear she wanted him back. She made it just as clear that her relationship with him was deeper than Zak's. He found that impossible to believe in view of her hasty marriage. And now she was angry with him! He couldn't believe how it had turned out.

He stood up and left. As he reached the front door, he heard her voice, broken through her tears.

"You fucking fool, Ged," she shouted, sobbing. "If it bothers you so much, your cock is bigger than his, and your orgasms were always much better, you stupid prat. Fuck off!"

He left, his mind a blank, but his emotions in turmoil. He knew when she shouted at him and after him, that she had told the truth, and that she had been as big a victim as he had been. He could hear the hurt in her.

He now realised she might even have suffered more than he had, though why that could be, he didn't know, and it was all for nothing. Nevertheless he still felt that the space between them was now too great. She had been with his enemy and once again in his mind's eye he could see the two of them rutting together in his flat without a care in the world.

He stood a while outside the front door of the house, then with a sigh he turned away and went back to his own empty place.

Cassie sat and cried. She had half expected this outcome, but the reality was much worse than the expectation. In time she began to question herself.

Why had she taken Zak to the flat, made love with him in Ged's bed? Why hadn't it been obvious how heinous such an act was?

She searched back in her memory. Zak had walked her home, and she had invited him in for coffee. The inevitable followed. She had tried to resist, but her emotional stamina was gone, and she had felt empty. She just wanted at that moment to be held, and loved. And Zak had held her and stroked her head - at first.

Then gradually his hands strayed and touched her breasts as if by mistake. Then her back and she began to want more. She must have turned to allow access, for his hands had grazed her breasts again and again, then strayed down to her groin.

Then she was struggling out of her jeans and pulling her teeshirt over her head, and he was shedding his clothes. She remembered seeing his naked fit and toned body and wanting it. She wanted him to fill her emptiness now that Ged was gone, and he had filled her, and they had coupled, gently at first and then in her anger very violently. She had got on top of him and slammed down on him again and again until she had come, tears streaming down her face.

It had never entered her head before that this was an act of hatred for Ged. It never was even in that frantic fucking. She was trying to exorcise him from her love; anger it might have been, but it was not hatred, at least not then.

Then Zak would come round regularly, and they would talk and then end up in bed. She hungered for the comfort of his body, to feel loved and cherished by someone, anyone. And Zak was there, day after day.

Ged did not come into it. It was not revenge, she knew that. Eventually Zak stayed, though he had his own house. She had never thought about it at the time and she was horrified at how Ged saw her actions. How stupid all this was!

Then there was Ged's preoccupation with Zak's sex appeal? She realised it was a male thing, but in reality there was no comparison between them. Her love and her intimacy and sharing with Ged was infinitely deeper and stronger than with Zak, and it deepened her sensations immeasurably.

Indeed now she thought about it, she was constantly comparing her life with Zak, even after they married, with what she used to have with Ged, and always finding Zak wanting. She always knew Zak was second best, but she needed someone who would love her.

There was no real sharing with Zak, he had his own thoughts which he kept to himself, and he did his own thing, not telling her where he went or what he did. She was glad for what she could get. There was a lot she did not know about him, whereas Ged was an open book and she opened to him in the same way.

She wondered whether seducing her in Ged's flat was yet another of Zak's plans to make the break permanent, another act of revenge. It was a sobering idea, and in the cold light of day she thought, likely.

She made some tea, and sat and drank it, alone in the house. And miles away, Ged sipped his own tea and felt as alone as she did.

--

Chapter Twenty One

Cassie was still sitting there when Cheryl phoned. Her tears had dried, and she simply felt washed out and hopeless.

"What happened?" Cheryl asked, full of concern at her tone. "It didn't go well?"

"I got Ged wrong," said Cassie morosely. "I thought all I needed to do was to let him see what it looked like from my side, and he would warm towards me. It wasn't like that. It was the broken promise about talking before breaking up.

"I never understood how hurt and cut off he was, far from home and unable to reach me because I cut him off. He told me he emailed to explain, including Annette being a lesbian, and I junked them without reading them. If I'd read them this would probably not have happened.

"The other thing that got to him was my living in his flat with Zak. He thinks I did that out of hatred for him; I think he called it vicious."

"You put him right on that, I hope," Cheryl said.

"That's not all. He reckons that Zak has always been number one in my life, and that Ged was always the second best substitute. He said that as soon as the chance came to get back with Zak, I took the opportunity to cut Ged off by refusing to listen to him. He reckoned Zak was a much better lover, with better... equipment."

"Was he?" asked Cheryl.

"No, no, no!" Cassie cried. "Zak was a good lover, considerate and passionate, but Ged was just as good - better in many ways."

"I hope you told Ged he was always better?"

"No." she answered, "I told him the truth. I told him he was as good sexually as Zak, but that sex with Ged was always more intense and more complete. At least I think I did."

"That's you," Cheryl observed, "You tell the truth when a little lie would be better. You've always been so honest! So what happened then?"

"He didn't believe me."

"He what?"

"You heard." Cassie said. "I told him to go. We weren't getting anywhere."

"Oh, hell!" muttered Cheryl, who had high hopes for their meeting.

"I think it's truly over, Cheryl," she said. "He's not got over the fact that I married Zak so quickly, or that I left him innocent and lonely so far away from me. I'll look for a flat on Monday."

Then she gave a cry. "I never thanked him for what he did for Dad, and I shouted abuse at him as he left."

"Cassie," Cheryl advised, "If he sees you more often he might soften. Go and apologise and thank him. There's a good chance that he still loves you. I'm sure of it."

"He did once." Cassie answered. "Not any more, but I need to see him anyway. I can't let what he did for Dad go by without thanking him, and I will apologise for what I said when he left."

She had also totally forgotten about Zak's threat, and that she had never warned Ged about it.

--

Ged had little time to ponder over his exchange with Cassie. He finished his tea and was washing his cup when the doorbell rang and, wiping his hands of the tea towel, he went to the door.