My Autumn and My Winter

"Heh." Rich clasped a hand over his ribs, sucked in air through clenched teeth. "Don't make me laugh."

"What are they saying?"

"Uhm...damn they're talking fast...I think they want to keep you here while I go and get the money from the sound of it. What are we going to do, barbarian lady?"

"Uh," Susan pointed a broken finger at the approaching men "I think we just ran out of time for anything clever."

** *

Steve barely had time to towel off the lat machine before a crewman was urging him to report to the cloakroom. The cloakroom was what he would have called a foyer, but the owners of the B and B were trying to be cutely rustic. At any rate, the television crew had seized upon it as an ideal place for recording dialogue. Something about the acoustics being optimal. Steve thought they just wanted to be a pain in the ass and block off the front door.

"Good morning," said Iorich as he entered the cloakroom. He noted that a chair had been placed in a kind of cubicle, with soft foam covering the walls. She gestured at the chair. "Have a seat and put on the headphones, please. This won't take very long and you can head up to breakfast."

"Sounds great." Steve slipped the headphones over his damp hair. "What is this for?"

"As tireless and efficient as our crew is, the reality of filming outdoors can create unimaginable snafus. We need you to re-record some things you said on camera that didn't come out clearly."

"Oh. Sure, I guess."

"We're not asking you to change anything of what you said."

"I get it."

"There is a transcript there in front of you to help you remember, however."

"Ah. Thanks."

Steve squinted at the words on the page. He sucked in a great breath of air and held it as his heart pounded in his chest. Ripping off the headset as he rose quickly to his feet, he was in Iorich's face in seconds.

"What the hell, lady?" He batted her in the chest with the transcript. "Don't you have any god damn shame?"

"Actually, no I don't." Iorich smiled coldly, her eyes reptilian. "You signed a contract that unless you were in the privacy of your own room you were subject to being filmed, twenty four hours a day."

"That..." Steve stared down at the floor, the transcript crumbled in his hand. "That was a private moment. Don't you understand what was going on? We can't have children, not natural ones anyway. Do you have any idea how that makes us feel? Like the butt of a god damn cosmic joke, that's what."

Steve noticed a gleam to his left. He turned to find that a camera was primed on him at that very moment.

"Seriously?"

"Steve," said Iorich, putting her hand on his arm. "Come here a second, please."

She waved away the cameraman, who reluctantly put the device down.

"I know what you're thinking."

"Like hell you do, lady."

"You're thinking I'm just a cold hearted bitch that doesn't care about anything but ratings, and I probably deserve a great deal of that. The fact of the matter is, though, that Genki Goro wants this to be as real as possible. Real emotion, real drama."

"So you want to parade our misery in front of a bunch of strangers so they can point and laugh?"

"No. Think about it, Steve. Think about how many people going through the same thing might be able to draw a little strength from the fact that they're not the only ones? How many other couples have fertility issues and would sympathize with you? It's not always about making a mockery of the contestants, Steve."

He sighed heavily and nodded.

"Good." She clapped him on the shoulder. "Now, let's get this done so you can report to wardrobe and be fitted for your rubber speedo."

** *

Rich's phone went off, a tone that indicated that he had a text. Amazed that it had survived it's rough treatment, he had just enough time to see that Deathslayer had sent him a text before it was ripped out of his hands.

"Nice phone." El Blackmail Hombre took the device and stuffed it in his pocket.

"What? Oh, come on, man. You know you're messing with guys who work for El Diablo Negro?"

"Bullshit."

"No, it's for real." Rich jerked his chin toward Susan. "This big girl here is a wrestler. El Diablo is a wrestler. Duh."

"Even if it's true," said the leader "you have to be around to report back to Diablo, right?"

There was a loud crack, and the sound of something heavy hitting the ground. From his spot sitting in the dirt Rich could see under the gap between the carport and the turf. A man was lying prone, while two booted feet crept over him. The boots were worn, and had a snakeskin finish. Rich knew where he'd seen them before.

Deathslayer?

As if in answer to his mental summons, the object of his desire sprang into view. He had something in both her hands, whirring so fast they were blurs. One of their captors went down on the ground, grasping at his throat as he struggled to breathe. Another took a blow between the eyes, then another on the nose, then another in the mouth, and then about a dozen more on his back as he crumpled to the dirt. For a moment Deathslayer was standing still, panting heavily, as he stood over the two fallen men. Rich finally got a good look at what he held; Wooden sticks about half the length and equal the width of a pool cue at its largest end.

Then he was off again. One of the men tried to pull a knife from his belt but Deathslayer cracked him across the knuckles, then over the top of his head a few times. Then he turned her attention to a man who was trying to creep up behind him. He dropped into a low crouch, denim clad legs folding, then lashed out with both clubs. The ends connected solidly with the man's ankles. Once he buckled she attacked the soles of his bare feet, causing him such agony that he wailed like a wounded puppy.

Blackmail boy might have tried something then, as Deathslayer's back was to him, but it's hard to concentrate on anything when a man as big as a grizzly sweeps you into a bear hug. Desperately, the man tried to claw his way out of Susan's grip, but his efforts grew more feeble as his face grew more red.

"Lots of people put down the good old fashioned bear hug," said Susan through gritted teeth. "Thing is, you have to know WHERE to apply the PRESSURE..."

Rich couldn't believe the man was still conscious.

"Take a step back, Mr. Richards," said Deathslayer "we call this move the-"

The man barfed, a stream of vomit that spattered on the ground near Rich's feet.

"-Stomach Pump."

In short order, Deathslayer had all the information he needed and coerced a man with whom Diablo's name held weight to give him a ride to a nearby town.

"Aren't you afraid that dude's gonna tell your wife?" Rich had asked him before he left.

"Not if I tell her first."

That left Rich alone with Susan. After a tearful reunion with his Lexus that had Susan giggling, he took time to marvel over her prowess.

"What was that stuff?" He pantomimed swinging fists through the air. "Super bad ass Jitsu?"

"Not so much," Susan said. "Sure wrestling is 'fake,' but all I have to do is turn up the volume a little and it becomes real. I'm tougher than I look, Rich."

He reached out and took her hand in both of his, giving it a warm squeeze.

"Hey, I loved it. Saved my life today."

"Rich," said Susan with a sigh as she withdrew her hand. "Look-"

"No, you look Susan. I might only have one shot to say this, so I'm going to take it."

She closed her mouth. He liked the pinkish red gloss she had chosen. It went well with her lightly tanned skin. He liked everything about her appearance, in fact, from her braided blonde hair to her tight denim jeans and v necked blouse. She didn't wear dresses much, but she still found ways to be girly.

"Rich, I'm not getting any younger."

"Right," he took a deep breath "Susan, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and-"

"HEY GRINGO!"

They turned to find themselves staring down the barrel of a snub nosed .38 held by Carmelita's brother.

Chapter 26

Steve stared at Byron and Vinnie, aware that he looked every bit as ridiculous at they did. Wearing naught but tight rubber speedos and shower caps, their bodies smoothly shaven. He stared down at his own muscular legs, a forest of dark hair covering them.

"You'll be sorry," the wardrobe lady had told him when he refused a waxing. She had refused to elaborate. Unlike most wrestlers, Steve didn't shave his body hair beyond his armpits. That was just disgusting to have when your job required you to go shirtless. Autumn preferred hairy chests, anyway.

Now he was starting to see his error. Before them lay a circular pool nearly thirty foot around. Inside its low walls was not water, but a yellow tacky substance supposedly quite similar to the glue found in insect traps. In the middle of the goo was an island of sorts, a raised padded platform which was reachable by a retractable bridge. Each of the remaining men was issued a thick square pad with straps designed to make it easy to hold.

"Why are they giving us shields?" Steve said.

"What?" Vinnie squinted at him from under the shower cap. "What you going on about, homes?"

"The pad kind of looks like a shield," said Byron "you know, like Game of Thrones?"

"I ain't no nerd."

Iorich appeared and the cameras started rolling. She explained that they were each going to have to stand on the island for three minutes. They were welcome to get back on the island if they fell off—provided they were able to free themselves from the sticky paste—but they had to stay on the island for a minimum of three minutes total.

And here comes the twist.

"But it won't be so easy. World Kickboxing champion Dungk Li will be in the middle, trying to knock you off."

"Who?" said Vinnie.

"Dungk Li," Steve said "grade b movie actor and occasional prizefighter."

"She said he was a world champ."

"Yeah, was. Like twenty years ago."

Still, the man who took up the spot in the middle of the island looked capable. Steve could remember seeing Li's movies in High School. Though Li had lost much of the—supposedly steroid-fueled—bulk of his youth, he was in excellent physical condition.

"There's one more catch," said Iorich, catching their attention. "If you allow your wife to kiss the other two competitors, you'll get a one minute reprieve from Dungk Li."

"What?" Steve said.

"Does it have to be like a French kiss, or what?" said Vinnie.

"No way!" said Sam.

"French kiss," said Iorich.

"She'll do it," said Vinnie.

"Oh great," Steve said, seeing Autumn being brought out with the other wives.

** *

"Si, who has on the pantalones now?"

Rich held his hands up reflexively, trying to stand in front of Susan as much as he could.

"Take it easy, hombre. Everything can still be cool, right?"

"Wrong." Rich braced himself. This was it, he was going to be gunned down in Mexico, and he never even had a chance to tell Susan how he felt. Hopefully, she would start running before his body hit the ground, find some people-

Something dark as midnight and swift as the wind barreled into the man's face. A furious warbling rang out in the night as Diablo raked, pecked, and buffeted the confused blackmailer. The gun flew from his grasp to crash into a thorny bush.

"Run, Susie!" shouted Rich, shoving her toward the barn. He glanced at the thornbush but didn't see the weapon as her feet beat the dirt behind him.

He turned back to face the blackmailer just as he got the better of Diablo. The rooster was pinned beneath the man's boot. With a sneer on his bleeding face, the blackmailer stomped down hard and twisted his ankle, snapping Diablo's neck.

"Dude," Rich said, his jaw going slack. "That was just wrong!"

That was when Deathslayer brought his sticks down over the man's head and knocked him into oblivion.

** *

Vanessa's soft, curvaceous body was pressed against him as her mouth eagerly sought his. Steve found himself breathless as she pulled away, a line of drool connecting their lips.

"Okay," said Iorich "Vinnie's wife has bought him a minute of immunity from Dungk Li. How did it feel to see your wife kiss another man, Vinnie?"

"Kind of hot, actually."

"Oh, what the hell, Steve!"

He turned to face Autumn on the stage. She was standing with her hands on her spandex clad hips, eyes narrowed his way.

"What? It wasn't my idea!"

"It may not have been your idea but you sure had fun!"

"Come on!"

Steve became aware of the fact that his body had responded to Vanessa's touch. Reddening, he closed his mouth and tried not to look at Autumn.

"No sex for you tonight," she said before sitting back down.

They took their positions. Vinnie was allowed to remain across the bridge until his minute was up. At the signal, Dungk Li's wizened face broke into a grin. Sam cowered behind his padded shield, legs bent and braced for the impact, but he was sent flying head over heels off the island. The Korean man landed on his back in the muck, looking stunned.

Steve had no time to savor the man's plight. Li launched into a series of brutal, thunderous kicks that left Steve hard pressed to keep his feet. His arms quickly became numb under the assault, and Li seemed to relish the chance to show off.

Somehow, Steve held on for the first minute. When Vinnie came onto the island, Li focused on him, perhaps figuring him an easier target. Vinnie surprised Steve by circling around the kickboxing movie star.

"He can't knock both of us off at once," said Vinnie, standing abreast of him.

"Right." Li's smile faded at the united front. He tried a few blows, but the two of them were able to support each other rather well. Steve was starting to think that they just might make it to the end when Vinnie suddenly shoved him hard to the side.

"Fucking asshole!" Steve went down to one knee, staring up at Vinnie's sneering face. The Italian's victory was short lived, as Dungk Li sent him flying into the goo. Steve risked a glance at Sam and found the man struggling to get even his head out of the tacky substance.

Now Steve was in trouble. Li's repeated attacks had him sliding inexorably toward the edge. Soon one leg slipped off and hit the goo.

"Aaaargh!" Steve screamed as his leg was wrenched free from the glue, leaving behind most of the hair. He rose to his feet, facing a grinning Dungk Li. Li stopped grinning when Steve tossed the pad toward him. The movie star stood holding the pad, staring at Steve in confusion.

Steve bunched up his legs and launched himself into the air. It was a move called a dropkick, a spectacular attack that was always a crowd-pleaser. You had to had to be careful, of course, not to extend your feet into your 'opponent's' face rather than his chest. Otherwise it might sting a little.

The soles of Steve's bare feet smashed into Li's face just above the kick pad. The man went flying backward to land in the glue trap, his eyes glazed over and movements unfocused.

The airhorn went off, and Steve could hear the director shouting angrily for a cut. Crewmen moved to assist the trapped men while Iorich harshly gestured for Steve to approach her.

"What's wrong?" Steve said. "I won, right?"

"Steve, you cheated."

"Cheated? Lady, that was a no-win scenario! What was I supposed to do, let him kick my ass and break my damn arms?"

"You're dismissed from the set."

"What?"

"You're dismissed. I have to talk this over with Goro, the producers...you've put me up shit creek, Steve. Shit creek."

Steve wasn't sure what was worse. Making his bosses mad, or going back to a room to face a still-pissed off Autumn.

** *

"I'm sorry," said Susan, putting her hand on Rich's shoulder as he cradled the broken body of Diablo.

"That's twice this bird has saved my ass." Gently, he laid Diablo on the ground and covered him with his outer shirt. "Vaya con Dios, my feathered broski."

He took her back to the barn, where they drank tequila and he talked to her. Really, really talked. Susie was a good listener, and he felt at ease letting his words spill out. Without preamble, she took his hand on their way back to the Lexus.

"You were about to say something earlier," she said as they came to a stop.

"Yeah, I was."

"Well, what was it?"

"I don't remember."

"You don't remember?

"I think I wanted you to grab me a cerveza," Rich said.

"Rich," Susan said, casting her blue eyes skyward.

"And I love you."

Susan's hand went limp in his own. She looked him in the eyes, her mouth slack.

"I know, I know," he said "you're with Mason. I get it, but I have to get this out. I love you, Susan. I wish I didn't, because quite frankly it hurts like hell, but I do."

"I....why?"

"I dunno. I guess you're really sweet, and nice. How many people would run down to Mexico just to help out someone they're mad as hell at?"

"I never said I-"

"And then there's your brains. You're a smart chick, Susan. Too damn smart for Mason. Too beautiful too..."

He reached out and stroked a hand through her silken hair. She jerked her head to the side, eyes wavering as they stared at the ground.

"Look, Rich..."

"I know you don't feel the same way, but please don't waste your life on Mason. You're too good for him. You're-"

"I know."

"-just looking to be miserable...what did you say?"

"I said I know, Rich." Susan sighed, met his gaze with a shy smile. "I broke up with Mason. You were right, he just wasn't a good fit for me."

Rich tried to play it cool, but he could feel his cheeks aching from his wide smile.

"Oh, stop it," she said, slapping him playfully. "I never said you were a good fit either."

"What's wrong with the Rich?"

"Well, besides the fact that he refers to himself in the third person?" Susan ticked off her points on her fingers. "Well, he's rude, crude, smart-assed, doesn't take anything seriously-"

"Ha ha. Let's go pick up Daddy Deathslayer, he's been texting me like crazy." Rich moved away from her, but she held on to his hand. He arched his eyebrows in query and she giggled.

"Come here, Rich," she breathed, pulling him in close. Suddenly their mouths were pressed together and her tight, lithe body was leaning against his and the world melted away.

She pulled back enough that they could stare into each other's eyes. From the gentle, half-lidded smile she gave him, he knew the chase was over. For the time being, at least, they were together.

"I thought you said that-"

"I said I didn't know if you were a good fit. I never said I wasn't going to give myself the chance to find out."

Chapter 27

Rich and Susan were prepared for Deathslayer to come shuffling out of the modest wooden hacienda. They were not prepared for the bundle he bore dangling from one arm.

"Uhm, is that a-?"

Rich chuckled.

"Looks like. Guess she really got pregnant."

"Past tense."

In short order Deathslayer introduced them to his daughter, a shriveled little thing that looked barely human to Rich's eyes. Susan cooed and went doe eyed over the little bundle in the back seat, so much so that she insisted on riding back there with him all the way back to New York.

"So, what happens now?"

Deathslayer glanced over at him with a worried smile.

"I don't know. I don't think the missus would appreciate raising a living symbol of her husband's infidelity. Guess we should contact the adoption centers when we get you guys home."

"What about Autumn and Steve?"

Both their gazes went to Susan.

"Look, she told me they can't have kids, not safely anyway, because of her disease. She was kind of keeping it secret from Steve until after the wedding, but now..."

Rich grinned at Deathslayer.

"How about it, big guy? Gets you off the hook, plus you still get to be a part of the kid's life. Pretty sweet deal."

"You should still tell Mom the truth," said Susan with a pout.