My Fall and Rise Ch. 13

"Can I come over? I need to see you. Please?"

"Of course you can. But what's wrong?"

"I just...I really need to talk to you."

It was a twenty minute drive to Dwight's townhouse. As I drove, I rehearsed what I might say to him, but every version was wrong.

Dwight opened the door before I reached it. He held out his arms and I stepped into them. I rested my head on his chest and began to cry. He folded me into his arms and walked me into his home. We sat on the couch and he held me and let me cry for a while. Finally, I felt cried out. He got up and brought us each a glass of ice water. He waited for me to collect myself.

At last I was ready. "We need to talk," I told him.

"Of course, Honeybunch."

"I need you to just listen and let me say what I have to say, okay?"

He nodded. I got up and crossed the room to one of his easy chairs. I did not want him touching me while I spoke, distracting me from all I had to say.

"I've been lying to you, Dwight. I don't have a job as a bartender. I've been dancing at a club."

He frowned. "Like, a stripper?"

I nodded. "Like a stripper. But I quit. I walked out tonight. I can't do it."

"Mellie, I..."

I shushed him. "Let me talk, baby. Please?"

He started to say something, but stopped himself. He nodded and sat back on the couch.

I started to talk and I didn't stop for more than an hour. I told him everything. I told him about Jesse and that first hit of ecstasy. I told him about how I grew to need the pills and all that I had been willing to do to get them. I told him about my arrests, my overdoses, my miscarriage.

Sometimes he sat forward, looking agitated, at others, he sat back and I saw tears on his cheeks.

I told him about the Cheetah Lounge, and how Glenn had tried to rescue me, and how Nicky had won my heart.

I told him all that Nicky and I had done, and I told him about Nate's murder. He began to weep, and I had to wait for him to compose himself before I could continue.

I told him about my withdrawal and my time in prison, and about my struggles when I was released.

Finally, I told him about the mistake I had made by taking the job at the Green Door, and how one white line had nearly caused me to destroy everything I had come to cherish.

At last, I was talked out.

Dwight set his glass down on the table, and for a few minutes, he sat in silence, looking down at the floor. Then he rose, crossed the room and knelt before me. He took me in his arms and kissed my forehead.

"Melissa, I love you," He said.

"Don't. Didn't you listen to me? "

"Sweet baby, stop. I love you. Stop hurting yourself."

"But now you know who I really am. Someone like you can't love someone like me."

He took me by the shoulders. "Look at me, Melissa." I looked into his warm wet eyes. "I love you, the person that I know. And all those things that happened are a part of making you that person. It's a lot for me to take in, but I am not going anywhere. Not without you, I'm not."

"I will fall again, Dwight."

"I don't think you will. Not after tonight."

"Sooner or later, everybody falls."

He shrugged. "Maybe. So, I guess it's a good thing that if you do, I'll be there to catch you."

He kissed me tenderly, and stood up. He held out his hands and I took them and rose to him. We kissed again and he led me up the stairs to his bedroom. We undressed and slid under the covers together.

For a long time, we just held each other. But then his hands were moving on my body, and I began kissing his chest. Our mouths met. I felt his hand on my breasts and my hand went to his stiffening cock. He rolled forward, and I guided him inside me. For a long moment we lay motionless, just feeling the connection between us. Then he began to rock, and I met his motion. He stroked my head and I ran my hands up and down his broad back. He kissed the side of my neck and I wrapped my legs around his thighs, pulling him tighter against me, deeper inside me. He reached beneath me and squeezed me tight and I came. He thrust harder into me and I came again. He arched his back and exhaled in a long, ragged breath and we came together.

He slumped against me, panting for breath and muttering words of love. And I said to him what I had longed to feel that I could say for so long. "I love you, too, Dwight, I love you so much."

He shifted positions and laid beside me, pulling me spooned against him. In a few minutes his breathing shifted to the slower rhythms of sleep, but I lay there awake for a while, savoring an odd feeling that I supposed must be contentment.

The room was still dark when I woke up. I carefully slipped out from under Dwight's arm and tiptoed to the bathroom, then downstairs to the living room. There was a large Afghan draped across the back of the couch. I picked it up and wrapped myself in it. I sat down at Dwight's desk and turned on his reading lamp. I had the notion that I would write him a love note, but I was distracted when I saw a CD on the desk labeled, "Honeybunch 2". Remembering how much I had loved the previous CD he had made for me, I slid it into his CD player. I made sure that the headphones were on, slipped them over my ears, and pressed play.

The music was not the buoyant soul I had expected. It sounded slow and serious. I did not know the song, but when the singer began, I recognized the voice as Stevie Wonder.

Shattered dreams, worthless years

Here am I encased inside a hollow shell

Life began, then was done

Now I stare into a cold and empty well

I frowned. The lyrics were so downbeat. It felt almost as if Dwight had anticipated the night's conversation, until I realized that he was using the song to express his feelings, not mine.

The many sounds that meet our ears

The sights our eyes behold

Will open up our merging hearts

And feed our empty souls

I nodded along with Stevie's words. For years, I had fed my empty soul with the false balm of drugs. But then, he sang the chorus, and any thought of analyzing the lyrics was swept away in a tide of pure emotion.

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever

I believe when I fall in love this time it will be forever

Tears coursed down my cheeks. When Dwight had chosen the song, he believed he would love me forever. Tonight, he had proved that he would.

The rest of the song was lost in my sobs, except for the chorus, repeating again and again.

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever

I believe when I fall in love this time it will be forever

The song ended and I stopped the disk. I took off the headphones and just sat quietly for a while. I looked out the window and saw a thin band of light on the horizon. It occurred to me that if the sun was coming up here, it was already high in the sky back home. The light was touching my mothers house, where she probably sat in the kitchen sipping her coffee. It was shimmering on the lakes and bringing a glow to the blueberry barrens. It was touching the stone walls of the state prison, where Nicky was beginning another day that would be just like yesterday and just like tomorrow.

I could hear the day's first birdsong, and from up the stairs, the soft sleeping sounds of a man who loved me. I sat for a long time and watched, as the sun sparkled through the trees and then rose to illuminate the houses and the cars, the lawns and the flowerbeds, and the world filled with color.

Melissa B.

June-October 2017

To my mother, who gave me strength

My grandmother, who gave me wisdom

My man, who gave me a happy ending

And to everyone who has known the struggle.

Believe, my brothers and sisters.

I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever) @1972, Stevie Wonder and Yvonne Wright