My First Male Friend

Chapter 3: Carmen's Story

Someone once told me that your life is fated. And that everything that is destined to be, will be. I didn't like that, and until recently thought it rubbish and didn't want to believe it. Yet on talking to someone and through a number of soul searching experiences it occurs to me that every person you meet who you grow to care for has a purpose and will profoundly affect you in some way if you think about it, and will in fact teach you a lesson.

This intriguing thought developed from an idea that what we term déjà vu is in fact not simply a feeling at all, but a memory surfacing, to tell you/to inform you when you are on the right (destiny's) path, because you have in fact lived this path before, and now that you are reliving it again, you are reminded of this. This profound thought was again connected with the realisation that on the very day I fell for Anton, destiny pushed me back on track by introducing me to Trevor.

Was it merely a coincidence or was it more?

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He was one of the first people Carmen saw when she got her first real job. Unfailingly polite and extremely tall he was not someone you could pass and not notice. And the funny thing was, for at least a month she could not remember his name. Partly because of its rarity, having never heard anyone called 'Anton' before. She did however never forget his kindness, and from then on, she had decided he was a nice guy.

She'd been asked to put a box on one of the top shelves of the bookcase, and though she was not short, she wasn't that tall either, so went into the storeroom to get a stepladder to enable her to reach the shelf. Having fiddled a moment getting it firm and preventing it from slipping and sliding when she would step on it, she eventually took a step, carefully balancing the box as she did so. She knew all about WH&S regulations, but naturally like a lot of people there are some situations that they slip out the door and though precarious was her hold of the box, she moved to get up another step. In that moment she heard a voice say from behind, from his desk:

"Would you like a hand with that?"

Grateful for the offer she turned to see Anton looking at her, with a funny look on his face she later interpreted as concerned. "If you could pass the box up to me that would be great."

About to climb up to the top step of the ladder he beat her to it by sliding it onto the top shelf of the bookcase with no effort, and without even needing to use the stepladder or stand on his tippee toes. His actual amazing height was then registered to her. "Wow, you're tall!" she exclaimed amazed. "Thanks."

He grinned and went back to his work.

Though in the beginning she did not think of him other than his presence in the office, due to falling smack bang for the less obvious and inappropriate choice, her boss Donald, Anton and she slowly and unexpectedly became if not friends, acquaintances.

"May I ask," Anton would say, "How old you are?"

She told him. "How old are you?" She asked.

"31," he replied.

"Ah yeah," she said nodding, "that's not that old."

"May I ask what you'd consider your favourite movie..." "That's a nice suit you're wearing, is it new?" "Did you know..."

To give herself credit, Donald was quite good-looking, was always smiling, and had an attractive personality. With eyes a deep gold, a deep voice and him always friendly and kind to her, having never experienced this in her family life, or had a relationship, it was only natural she would fall head over heals for him.

The problem however was 3 things: he was too old for her being in his late 30's to early 40's (and she was only 19); he was her superior in position; and she later learned, though he wasn't married, he was taken.

Still, there were innocent little scenes that had her hoping, such as looks she noticed when he thought she wasn't looking, accidental brushing of hands, constant attentiveness, seeking her out to chat with her when she was alone rather than in company and she couldn't help but wish she were any other person.

"What did Donald want" she had heard people ask whenever she was asked to see him and she would explain, only to hear in response, "how odd" and she would wonder, was this not a common thing?

Just the sight of him had her senses awakening. And she wanted to see him all the time. When he was there, she'd feel extremely nervous, but when she looked at him, she'd immediately relax, especially when she looked into his eyes. A beautiful golden colour.

It was not the same as with Brad. She thought of it as a comfortable, safe feeling that made her want to sigh and hold his hand, or hug him and fall asleep in his arms. There was a moment when her eyes met his and something inside of her awoke and her heart jumped and raced. It could not be explained and yet she found she would know when he would be about to talk to her, or when he would enter the room. It was a knowing born of intuition, and it seemed that whenever she longed to speak with him, or would be daydreaming of him he would be there a moment later. His eyes appeared the most beautiful thing she have ever seen, and sometimes when she looked into them she felt there was a lot more to him than people see.

Throughout this torturous time there was a moment that slightly shifted the balance of things and had her unable to ignore Anton. It was one day when she sat at the front reception and Donald had gone out somewhere and she was madly waiting for his return, intending to have lunch the same time as him in order that she may chat with him (the most wonderful of times were those!) and as it was nearing the time of Donald's return and the door opened. In a moment of blinding hope she looked up...hoping...and disappointed, saw it was Anton. For some reason in that split-second moment she had not been careful to hide her expression he had noticed!

Walking in he said, "It's only me." She had looked at him confused. "You looked really disappointed then," he explained.

Carmen would have went scarlet, yet she was too shocked that he could read her expressions so well and so was instantly on the defensive, denying "No, I was just thinking 'is that someone entering, I wonder who it could be.'"

And it was then she began to notice Anton more, because she realised, he was more than he seemed.

She probably would have gone on liking Donald if three very important things hadn't occurred. One, she had not worked till late and teased Anton, and saw him grin again. Two, she saw Anton wear his sunglasses. And three, Donald had gone away.

During the time Donald went on leave she had gotten to talking a lot with Anton and even began confiding in him. One night she worked late and returned to see Anton still working, and thinking it bad he works so late, tossed him a chocolate as "energy food" and teased him saying "you work too hard" on a grin, and he grinned, and replied "if I start to look stressed I will count on you to tell me." She wasn't sure what it was, but she couldn't forget the smile and how it made her feel, so just kept thinking about it, and thinking about it. Then realised in a flash she had lost the friendship feeling for him, and it had somehow transferred to more.

Days passed and she would see him often, and chat often, learning his likes and dislikes and seeing him in his sunglasses created a kind of mystery about him that intrigued her more. One day, as she came to work she looked up at the board and noted Donald was due to return. Having anxiously awaited his return, nervous to know how she would feel about that, she sneakily positioned herself so she could see him as soon as he entered, somehow knowing he would return for sure today even though he had delayed for days now. The first thing she noted immediately on seeing him was: he had cut his hair. And he did not say hello, did in fact ignore her.

This was weird and she became depressed as soon as she acknowledged it. And a few hours later, there began the pains in her chest which made her wish the day would pass by in a flash. The pains only disappeared when she forced herself to relax, and, closing her eyes, imagined she was in a field of green grass looking up to a perfectly blue sky and the warmth of the sun baring down on her, and she ran and ran feeling full of life. Later she wondered if the reason this happened was that she felt unhappy and was feeling mixed up.

Being allowed to go home, she thought and thought about the situation, and decided, she felt nothing for either of them.

This feeling nothing for anyone lasted all of a fortnight. After which she felt she was being pulled left and right by both of them. Donald was always asking her to come see him, to do tasks for him, began nicknaming her "carie" and Anton, well Anton she was always seeing and at times it felt like he could read her mind. She'd find he'd be asking her advice (extremely flattering), give her thoughtful gifts, and sometimes when she'd go to say something, he'd answer her question before she even asked!

She couldn't help being attracted to Donald again, since he was simply so interesting and when she saw him in an extremely well fitting shirt she almost drooled. But they had nothing in common, which could not be said for Anton and her.

Taking up cycling she learned that Anton used to ride, and after chatting away to him about her idea to begin a new fitness life went through with it. He seemed the only one that actually believed she'd stick to it, and his faith in her amazed her. She decided to walk, ride, and perhaps swim. Netball was also an option and she seriously considered martial arts. And then she learned Anton also did Martial Arts. So she went to ask his opinion and learned one amazing thing about Anton. He was so easy to confide in and he always encouraged her to do anything she would like to. Which made her feel he believed in her. And that was one of the most important things she wanted in a guy.

And then an event occurred which she expected to remember as the day she fell for real for Anton, but was really the day she met the man who would change her life. She had been working late preparing for a big conference the next day and as she went to grab something from her desk drawer turned to see Anton standing, looking at her, and smiling. This had happened to her before, when she'd liked Donald, and had never really until this moment wondered what it meant. Yet as she saw it then, she could do nothing but smile back. It lasted some small time and yet it felt suspended. The moment broke only by her supervisor asking her a question, "Yeah, you got to make it landscape," Carmen replied.

She turned and noticed he had returned to work. What had that meant?

"Well that's everything," her supervisor said, "we'll just hang this up and you can go home." Her supervisor sighed dramatically. Carmen smiled.

"I'll just give my roommate a call and see if I can snatch a lift from him." As she was about to do that she got a call on her mobile. "Hey how's it going?" Carmen said, her roommate had called her. Well that was interesting timing.

"Hey listen, it's a mate at works farewell tonight so we're going out for drinks at ---, so if you want you can join me, and wait to get a lift with me, or get a lift home with someone else."

Carmen groaned. As much as she didn't mind socialising, she was feeling tired and didn't know his friends. "You owe me," she teased.

"Yeah, selfish me for not driving you all the way home before doing what I want." The sarcasm was so thick it could possibly be spread on toast.

She laughed. "Alright, where are you now?"

"In the carpark, I'll meet you at your work."

"Okay, see ya soon."

"So how's work?" her roommate asked.

"Okay. I'm a bit tired though. How long do we have to stay? I'm hungry and sleepy."

"You can eat there, and not long I don't think. Maybe an hour."

She closed her eyes as they walked for a second, but too scared she'd trip, forced them to stay open, though it wasn't easy. She wasn't used to 12 hr work days. They arrived in a moment and walking up the stairs, spotted the group immediately. Being computer freaks most of them, they looked like a bunch of geeks. Yet, the funny thing was, she got along quite well with that type of crowd normally. At the moment though, as she seated herself and listened to the conversation, she couldn't help but compare her work colleagues to this lot. The conversation was drastically different, all they were doing was bitching. When she socialised with her work colleagues, they talked about their lives.

As she sat and listened, she glanced around recognising faces she had no idea when she'd met yet must have since they seemed familiar. Yet there was one who stood out amongst them all, one she didn't recognise. He sat quietly, looking incredibly amused by the whole scene. His hair was a fiery red, with an interesting wave to it, and his eyes...well she couldn't tell about them, as he wasn't looking her way, however he had an interesting band attached to his sunglasses and Carmen found herself observing it with interest...it looked like leather. Then she saw his face and tried hard not to stare. Talk about hot!

Looking away she said, "My department doesn't."

They had been talking about how nearly all businesses have problems with their bosses and that they all backstab.

"Carmen's doesn't," her roommate said louder.

"Which department do you work for?" the fiery haired wonder said.

I told him and he laughed and had an unusual grin that was somehow endearing as he said that that area held more emphasis on good communication and made a remark about our possibly doing group hugs every morning.

She shook her head laughing and about half an hour later left. On the journey home she quizzed her roommate about him, but his not having much information to give, she gave up. And figured she'd never see him again.

It had come to her attention as the year journeyed to an end, that in the last few months they had had a remarkable amount of social events. During that time her opinion of Donald had taken a dramatic plunge. She noticed whenever he drank he grew flirtatious and did so in front of his long time girlfriend of 10yrs. At one point she had thought seeing him in the company of his girlfriend would have killed her, yet things slowly changed and she even found it changed to the point that when he'd smile at her, she would simply stare thinking "yes you're smiling, that's nice" and nothing more. However Anton and her had grown quite close. They talked every morning and she purposefully worked late longing for the late afternoon talks. There was no other word for it, he was her first male friend. She liked talking to him, he confided in her, he made her happy and he had even on occasion given her a lift home. She had to confess she in those times had had fantasies of him kissing her goodbye but that never happened.

There had come times when she wondered whether she could renege on her oath never to ask a guy out again, and yet she was too afraid to receive a rejection. So she figured he'd have to ask her out if it were to happen. And then the day finally came. She was typing something up when he came up to her, and asked her to a game. He mentioned he had an extra ticket, she didn't realise then that it was a cover up, to make her the third wheel so to speak. All she saw was that he was asking her out. Not having an interest in sports that way, it was something new to her. But always up for something different she accepted, thanked him and practically flew home she was so happy. He'd seemed so happy she said yes! But with that happiness came the most depressing of revelations. When she arrived he turned up with another girl, and someone she knew...oh how sad she was that night. And jealous!

She decided to ignore him and focused on the person beside her and talked to them. When she finally went home she burst into tears. The first time she'd ever cried over a guy. She managed to wait till she tidied her bed of clothes (she nearly tried on every bit of clothing she had in choosing an outfit) but after that the tears wouldn't stop. She cried into her pillow twice, tried to sleep, was wide awake so cried again, the pattern repeating.

There were a number of reasons she was so sad. For one she was given quite a blow after feeling so happy, and for another, her life had never been particularly easy in that department. And now it seemed she will never find someone she can love. And Anton had seemed perfect for her and when caring for someone, she cares very deeply. So the blow left Carmen with the hopelessness of finding someone again.

On awakening the following morning she felt no better and discovered an ache in her heart where once was a new founding love. When her roommate finally confronted her as to her sad state she nearly cried again, only stopping from sheer forceful willpower. And nearly cried again when a friend rang and inquired as to her sad state.

The talk with her roommate did her good though, the airing of her feelings allowed her to see things in a different light. She could feel happy for Anton, being such a good guy, to have found someone. She felt free.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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Would welcome any comments or advice people have to offer.