My Sexuality Ch. 01

As my sexual interests and fantasies have matured and changed I've started to really think quite a bit about cuckolding. In my mind there is a wide spectrum of cuckolding not just the harsher, more extreme, version shown in porn. It's more like a sliding scale; say from 1-100. Say 1 represents pure hotwifing: an open relationship in which only the woman has multiple partners but a completely equal relationship built on respect. Then at the other end, 100 is the most pure form of extreme cuckolding like that shown in porn: the male partner is disrespected and controlled, inside and outside of the bedroom, and denied sex save masturbation... sometimes, maybe. He is always caged, the female humiliates him in word and deed; a completely female-led relationship extending to every element of the relationship not just sexually.

What I want is closer on the scale to 1 than 100, for sure. Locking up the cuckold seems like such a selfish act; how could I be with a partner that wanted to deny me sexual pleasure? I'm willing, eager even, to share you with other men. If I want to give you that gift - true, it's not a purely selfish act, we would both be getting something from it, but just because I'm doing it for myself doesn't mean I'm not also doing it for you; if you won't enjoy it as much as I will then I don't want it - then how could you wish to deny me pleasure? We're opening up our sexual relationship in order to give you more avenues to receive pleasure but you wish to shrink mine? Just the fact that you want that tells me you aren't the partner for me.

Opening up the relationship should be for both of us; we're both getting something out of it. But instead of both of us giving to one another and receiving from one another, all that type of woman wants is to take.

I want to be the very best boyfriend I can be; I want to be the whole package. I want to make her girlfriends happy for her, but also jealous of her. I want it for my own sake; for selfish reasons I want to be able to take pride in who I am as a person and as a boyfriend. But I want it just as much for her sake, for selfless reasons; if I care about her - which I clearly do because we're dating - then I want her to be with somebody worthy of her.

If she is too selfish to want to give back, to want to be good to me as well, if she's only concerned about what she gets out of our relationship then I can't be the best version of myself that I can be. That selfishness would poison our relationship; it would diminish me, I wouldn't be the best version of myself, and I wouldn't be able to be loving and generous to her.

I couldn't love somebody that selfish. I couldn't be with somebody who only wants to take, always, in all aspects of our relationship. I need a sharing, caring, relationship.

I don't wish to judge that type of woman overly harshly; it seems there are many men out there who do wish for that type of relationship. If that's what somebody wants - man or woman, the giver only or receiver only - then I wish him/her good luck. I just know that it's not for me. I want to give and receive and I need a partner who feels the same way.

I love a strong, confident, assertive woman; I like a woman who'll take charge sexually. That is part of what appeals to me about the hotwife/cuckold relationship that I desire; it takes a sexual, open-minded woman to want it too, and it takes confidence for her to agree to it, for her to admit to me that she wants it too.

I've heard it said that the man in this relationship needs to keep in mind that it's all about her. I think that's more true the closer you get to 100. The closer you get to 1, the more it's about both of you. You know, like a relationship. I have a very specific idea for what type of relationship I want but I know that I can't rigidly hold to that. I would never insist on something for me without regard for what she wants; it needs to be something - partner, act, dynamic - that we both will enjoy.

In cuckolding you will frequently see gay/bisexual themes; most times it's not really expressed as such though. The white cuck being forced to serve the black bull, either indirectly - like cleaning up after him - or directly - cleaning, *ahem*, HIM - isn't really about sexual pleasure but rather about submission and power. I don't think the black bull is gay for making the cuck suck his cock clean; he may be gay but not *because* of that act. It's a gay act but the motivation is driven by power, not by sexual desire. And that matters. You aren't gay because of an act, you are gay because of a desire. If the former was true, then rape could change your sexual identity.

That goes for the white cuck as well; he's not necessarily getting off on sucking the bull's black cock, he's getting off on being submissive, being degraded.

As with cuckolding, I think sexuality is best expressed across a spectrum rather than simply 3 labels: "bisexual" is a very vague term that is used for many different preferences. Say "1" is 100% gay and "100" is 100% straight, with 50 being bisexuality in its most pure form: it truly does not matter what gender somebody is, you can see yourself dating or just hooking up with somebody.

Despite the bent of my account(s), I am probably somewhere around 85-90. I find women of all races, body types, even personality types to be attractive; of course I don't find all women attractive but there is no specific type I can't imagine myself having a relationship with - sexual or romantic - if we vibe.

With men that's not the case at all. I am only attracted to black men. But I am not attracted to all black men, only some. I am not attracted to all types of cock, only black cock. Only Big Black Cock. But even then, not all Big Black Cock; some, despite the size and color, I still don't find aesthetically pleasing. And even then I can't imagine myself in a romantic relationship with a man who hits all those marks, only a sexual one.

Given how narrow a target that one must hit in order for me to find a man attractive and want to have sex with him, I think that would really move me really close to 100. One could make the argument that, given the degree to which this fantasy effects me, 90 may be too high. That person may think that the level of arousal matters more than the narrowness of it. I disagree; I see the argument, I just don't agree. Not just with the conclusion but also with the evidence; that person would be basing it on how much I am aroused by the fantasy, which would be based on following any of my online porn accounts. They aren't lying but they are definitely misleading.

I'll get into that more in an upcoming essay that probably nobody will read, but just to touch on it:

My online accounts don't spend nearly as much time on my more normal desires; I don't think they make for nearly as interesting reading. Just as with how a romantic relationship is founded on moments that don't make for good tv - leading to a very misleading representation of what a relationship is, or should be, on shows like "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette," etc - so do I think more normal desires don't make for as fascinating reading. And they aren't as interesting to explore because there's much less to unpack:

"I like to put my penis in a vagina."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because: nature."

"That's how I read it too. Good talk."

(That was fun; it was like a little play. Shout-out to PFT.)

What I want from a relationship is less perverse than my persona would make it seem. I'm not deliberately lying; I created those accounts in order to openly explore the sides of my sexuality that I was less comfortable with.

Interracial porn really opened me to the possibility, then reality, of my bisexuality. I'm not sure if it *made* me bisexual or if I always was and it *allowed me to realize* that I was. Maybe a semantic argument but if it's the former than exploring the way I am may lead me further afield and I may be somewhere else - on both those spectrums - in just a year or two.

But creating those accounts have shown me how common my desires are. It seems as if many white men become bi-curious thanks to interracial porn; it seems that I belong to a community that is quite a bit larger than I ever would've suspected.