National Fuck A Fat Man Day!

For those of you who have been following it in the media, my campaign to make "Fuck A Fat Man Day" a national holiday has made some significant progress.

Primarily, as you probably already noticed, the name has been abbreviated to make it more inclusive and more user-friendly. There is no doubt about it. National "Fuck a Short, Fat, Goofy-looking Man with Glasses Day" just wasn't working. The guys who wear contacts were feeling ostracized, and let's face it, the name was just too damn long to fit on a bumper sticker.

The new name is a great leap forward, and we embrace it with tremendous enthusiasm.

There is also good news on the Washington front. On my latest trip to our nation's capital, I spent several days lobbying congress directly, and several distinguished members assured me that they are deeply committed to making sure EVERYONE gets fucked.

Thank God for democracy. God bless America.

On the downside, however, the once-thriving petition drive has slowed to a near stand-still, and my door-to-door efforts to solicit active involvement in the Fuck A Fat Man campaign have proven fruitless.

But fear not. Those of us who care deeply about Fuck a Fat Man Day are used to mounting much larger challenges than this. Working together, I know our day will come. The promised land awaits the horizontally challenged.

With that goal in mind, I want to invite you to roll up your sleeves and hop on board. Believe me. Every set of hands working the issue makes a profound and meaningful difference.

Plain and simple, we can't do it without you.

So, if you would like to lend your support to make Fuck a Fat Man Day a reality, please send you Curriculum Vitae to this address for consideration.

And thank you again for your support.

Sincerely,

Kilgore Trout, Jr.

By the way, since this notice was originally posted, one of our constituents asked a pretty darn good question that I would like to share with you:

Dear Kilgore:

So, is "Fuck a Fat Man Day" going to be an annual event or a monthly or weekly event? I don't want to sound greedy, but I would certainly like to get laid more than once a year.

Sincerely,

David

And our response...

Dear David:

Good question!

Unfortunately, due to strict federal regulations, "Fuck a Fat Man Day" can only be held one day per year, so let's really put all of our weight behind this one initiative to make it happen.

HOWEVER

Upon successful implementation of National "Fuck a Fat Man Day", we have a number of other campaigns ready for launch, such as "Wank A Wanker Day" (for those of us who need to give our right hands at least one day off each year), "Share the Load Day" (the extra incentive that might just convince your uptight wife to invite her best friend into the bedroom), and "Size Does Matter Day" (for those of us who have very little to celebrate the rest of the year).

Unfortunately, thanks to a misunderstanding on behalf of an overzealous Inuit Tribe in northern Canada, "Shave the Whale Day" has been taken off the agenda until we can be assured no animals will be harmed in the observance of this worthwhile cause.

In the meantime, Fuck a Fat Man Day will receive the bulk of our attention, and because there has been no heavy opposition, we think it is only a matter of time before the calendars reflect our noble efforts.

Again, thank you for your enthusiastic support.

Sincerely,

Kilgore Trout, Jr.

Another bold brother exposed a critical flaw in the global push to celebrate "Go Commando Day".

Dear Kilgore:

I am writing out of concern for National "Go Commando Day", designed to increase awareness for male genital cancer. On the surface, this campaign may seem like a natural companion to our own efforts, but we must find the balls to expose it for what it truly is.

Yes. The naked truth is that successful implementation of "Go Commando Day" will virtually guarantee that "Fuck A Fat Man Day" will never see the light of day. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Just use your imagination. Once the media starts spotlighting men of gifted girth wearing nothing but their birthday suits, we are all doomed.

Let's face it. Boxers have long been the fat man's friend. They make us look distinguished and refined. We should not set them aside so easily now in our time of need.

Sincerely,

Jacques Keys

And our response...

Dear Mr. Keys:

After briefly considering your position, I find myself in complete agreement with you. While I enjoy hanging out with my friends as much as the next guy, I find I must weigh in with my own opinion. For the good of National "Fuck a Fat Man Day", I genuinely hope "Go Commando Day" dies from lack of support.

In addition, I firmly believe our efforts are best directed toward getting more fat-friendly people into our pants and not out of them.

Sincerely,

Kilgore Trout, Jr.

As I wrap up this update, I want to invite and encourage all of you to share your own thoughts and concerns in the feedback tools below. Yes, we have a heavy burden to bear, but if we share the load, I'm confident we will be successful.