Need

This isn't really a story... it's just something I wrote a while back in one of my journals. It's basically just a description of wants, needs, cravings, etc.... what I want in a person. I guess it's pretty idealistic. Anyway though, there are the slightest of naughty bits, so figured maybe someone might be interested in reading it.

He would understand me, and all those things about me. He would know my masochism all too well. He would know how to tear me apart and how to put me together again. He would be so rough, yet so gentle. He would appreciate me, and not belittle me or place his own faults onto me. He would be smart, intelligent, and ideally a little older than me. I don't know what it is about that, but there's just something. Nothing pedophile-like (aside from maybe role play that is... haha) but to know that he was stronger, older, that he could protect me but also that he could potentially force me into anything he wanted... I don't know why that is such an immense turn-on. I just want someone to protect me, love me, envelop me. I want to be completely at the mercy of another. I want it so much right now that I can't breathe and I almost cry when I think about it. I wish he was here right now, making me beg for it. I wish I was groveling at his feet, licking his boots, begging him to take me, begging him to own me. Please take me.

I want someone who will take me right to the edge, and then push me. He would take care of me, and he would let me take care of him. He would let me wash his hair, and wait on him if he was sick. Sometimes it's hard to cope with myself, and if he ever felt it hard to cope with himself I would make sure he knew it was okay. We could keep each other safe.

He would be able to be both serious, and playful. We would laugh all the time. He would be beautiful and good-natured, like the time of day when the sun sets, but he would also be 3 am when it's storming and the power's out... fucking me with a knife to my throat. And I'm really not one to be shallow, but ideally he would be strong with windows for eyes and a long crooked nose. I find long crooked noses incredibly attractive for some reason.... He would be taller than me. Perhaps he could rest his head on top of mine and then wrap his arms around me.

He would be clean and he would smell nice. He'd let me wear his clothes, and sleep in his T-shirts. He would understand what I mean when I talk about that feeling I get in my chest at something so beautiful it hurts... the feeling you get when something rips you apart. He would give that feeling to me. And in the same way I would return it. He would love to see me cry, love to see my knees bruised... love to bruise them. He'd lick the tears off my cheeks, letting the blade of his knife rest menacingly on the inside of my thigh. He would stroke my hair so lovingly... falsely reassuring me, only to smack me across the face as hard as he could without fucking breaking me. He would hold my wrists so tightly, me squirming so helplessly underneath him, letting me know his power. He would kiss me so deeply, like no one ever has. He would have me. I would be devoted to him, loyal to him. I would be his defenses, if he would be mine. I would get on my knees and pull his boxers off with my teeth (for my hands are tied behind my back) and take his dick down my throat. He would let me please him... his hands lovingly stroking my hair... and I would look up at him... my lips wrapped around his warm cock... I would look him straight in the eye... so eager to give him what he wanted. His little pet. And then he would wrap his fists in my hair, so violently... and fuck my throat... so deep and so fast that I am gagging a bit and panicking... gasping for air. But he will hold my nose closed, making sure I do not get any. When we had sex he would kiss my nose and stroke my neck and he would grab my chin and kiss me hard. He would close his hands around my waist and pull me down on him. So hard that I cry, I whimper. So hard that it hurts me and I cannot take it. But he will just fuck me harder, still. It will be too much feeling, and I know I will turn my head away... unable to look him in the eye... for if I do he'll see my whole soul so exposed and naked... everything that I am... just splayed out... so vulnerable. But he will force my chin and grab my face and force me to look into his eyes. Everything in my mind will scream TURN AWAY but I can't... he will not let me do that. And we will see each other.

He could practically break me if he wanted to and I would probably let him. It's really sort of scary, how vulnerable this makes me. If the wrong person took notice... they could hurt me worse than anything. I am so afraid of that and I hope it never has to happen. When that pain... so extreme... is not matched with love... it can damage you. And emotional scars are hard, and they hurt, and in the end they will just leave you needing more.

This guy would never leave me bleeding and crying. He would always bring me back. He would let me bury my face in his chest and he would just say "shhh" and stoke my hair... I would know he loved me. He would be so warm....

He would put his hands around my throat, holding me slightly off the ground... with just the tips of my toes touching, until I grew dizzy and limp... fragile and subjected to him. He would have me pinned against the wall and there would be no escaping. In between gasps I would beg him... "please", and in response he would cover my mouth and my nose and squeeze harder... to the rush of panic and then relief and then to the rush of panic again. He would revel in the look of fear across my eyes. He would ask me... in that tone... so calm... yet so threatening... "Are you afraid darling?"

"Yes."

"Good, you should be."

And he would resume his torture.

He would have me. All of me. He would love me... and I would love him so much. We'd take walks at twilight, and talk about everything. The meaning of life, the mechanisms in our brains, love, life, transcendence and the universe. Everything. And then at other times we would just be silent... for nothing would need to be said. We could make each other happy. I really hope this exists because I really don't think I could ever settle for anything else and be happy. I want him here right now. I want to be underneath him right now. I want him to hurt me right now. I want him to hold me tonight. It's getting chilly but he is so warm. If you exist come find me... please.