Nirvana Ch. 01

Owen was having a good night. Usually he didn't get many people's attention, he'd be lucky if they turned their heads every now and again, luckier if a few of them stood near the stage. But that night, whoever looked at him didn't turn away, they focused and enjoyed, and he in return gave it his best. His band mates noticed it as well, he could feel how excited they got. Every now and again, he heard a missing note, string slip, out of sync play, but it was significantly less than normal. It was so good he almost believed they were half decent musicians. However, he did not know why people were especially interested that night, he owed it to the fact that it was pop-covers. As much as he hated pop music, it seemed to be the majority's main interested, plus he did promise the manager he'll do a pop night occasionally, despite it being an indie bar, since people seemed to love it.

As he stood on the stage, playing and singing away his own reinvented covers of Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys and George Michael, he glanced at the bar occasionally. He noticed the bartender has taken interest in his music as well. Usually, Owen is nervous about facing the audience. His eyes are closed most of the time and when they aren't, he's usually looking down at the mic. But, this night, Owen was fully focused on the bar. It was the first time since he'd started working there, that the bartender happened to get his full shift at the same time as Owen. On other days, he'd only catch him for a few minutes before he had to turn his shift in to the next guy.

They were playing their final song and Owen was sad about that notion. He was entertaining people and that was all that mattered to him. And on this night, he was entertaining more people than usual, he felt he was closer to having "made it" than he's ever been. He was performing Skyscraper by Demi Lovato, reinvented into indie rock style. The song made him too emotional to look up, he forgot about the good night, the attention, the bartender and his band mates' occasional fuck-ups, and forgot he promised himself to never be emotionally invested in a song again. The audience noticed the pain in his voice. Everyone spoke in whispers. He gave his heart and soul into the song. His hands were steady but his voice shivered. Reflection on the past has swallowed him, taken him back to moments he thought he had forgotten, moments he has buried so deep for them to surface. As Dave banged the final note on the drums, the people started clapping. When Owen opened his eyes, he couldn't believe himself.

Around ten people were standing near the stage, many people on their tables with their eyes fixated on him, full of excitement, clapping and wooing him. His eyebrows were raised, mouth parted in surprise. He felt a pat on his back and heard a "fantastic", looked behind him and saw Carl and Dave highfiving, nudging shoulders and smiling at him. When he regained his voice, Owen said in the mic "Thank you so much". Clapping started to decrease.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. This has been Carl Roger on the bass, David Simms on the drums, and myself Owen Matthews, lead vocalist and guitarist. You've been a wonderful audience. Have a splendid evening everyone."

He heard a loud whistle, followed by more clapping. "Thank you" he whispered to the mic.

Owen took the bass from Carl so the latter would help Dave with the drums and amplifier. They walked into the music room and dropped their instruments. Dave walked out and Owen followed him, but he was stopped by a headlock from Carl.

"Say it!"

"Dude, stop. What the fuck."

"Not before you say it."

"Say what?"

"You know what. Come on, let's hear it."

"Alright, alright. Thank you and you were right. Can you let me go now please?"

Carl let him go, laughing. "You're goddamn right."

Owen rubbed his neck. "I know I wou- we would do a good job of it anyway."

"Yeah, sure." Carl smirked. "You were great today man. We all were. Have you seen the people?"

"It was a good night"

"It was a great night. And, holy shit, have you seen the people!"

"We still need a fourth member."

"Dude..."

"And possibly a manager."

" Uh... Seriously? We had the best night since we've started here and this is what you have to say?"

Owen shrugged then nodded. He started packing away his guitar.

"Wow, hang on. Did you hear anything I said? We're staying, we're celebrating."

"You are. I won't. I need to get home before my dad starts calling"

Carl stood there and watched as Owen took the picks from his back pocket and put them in the guitar case then locked it. He was about to ask if he was okay but Dave came in.

"Boys! What are you doing here? It's fucking crazy out there, you have no idea!"

"Yeah, say that to Mr. Cynic there." Carl motioned his head at Owen, who flipped him off.

"Alright losers, drop everything. Noel said he'll get us free drinks tonight."

"Fuck's Noel?"

"The bartender" Owen said. At the same time, Dave said, "My friend" and both he and Carl looked at Owen.

"Yeah, the bartender. He's my friend." Dave said, "Do you know him?"

"No. I mean, not in person. He works here, I guess. I mean, I see him sometimes. Not a lot. But, yeah, he's"

"Yeah, whatever." Carl interrupted, "He's invited us to "guys' night" or some shit and he'll get us free drinks so let's go!"

"Owen has to go home because-"

"It's fine." Owen waved him off, "I'll stay for a while longer".

Carl shrugged and all three of them walked out to the bar. Noel was standing behind the bar, handing drinks, taking orders, and cashing clients. His eyes lit up when he saw David and the men, and he had a crooked smile on his face. He was wearing a blue shirt with the sleeves tucked back revealing his forearm, over it, he wore a red jumper with his name tag on it. Owen could see a hint of a tattoo on his right arm, concealed by his sleeve. Noel was tall and slim, had shoulder length light brown hair, deep blue eyes, thin lips, and he barely stops smiling. His crooked smile made a dimple on one side of his face.

Dave introduced him to the men, they smiled and shook hands. "You guys are really good. You make the magic happen", he addressed Owen while shaking his hand. Owen noticed Noel had a strong grip, big bony hands with long slender fingers, and immediately thought himself strange for paying attention to his hand and felt embarrassed.

"Thank you. I couldn't do it without them" he smiled and pointed at Carl and David. "I'm Owen"

"Yeah, Owen Matthews. I know."

"Oh, uh- thanks?" The three of them looked at each other and laughed.

"Alright, guys. Stop this now." Noel got three pint glasses out. "Three beers, then?"

"I'll have a coke, please." Owen said.

"Oh, you're..."

"Nineteen." He showed him his wrist with a tag around it.

"Well. I don't want to lose my job. Coke it is, then." Noel winked.

"No, I'm serious. I don't want to drink any alcohol."

Noel shrugged and brought them their drinks. The bar was busy so he couldn't keep his attention focused on them, and they were very distracted themselves. Owen saw a couple of girls walking towards him. They told him how good he was, took photos with him and asked what days he goes there. They left, giggling to each other, and others were next. David and Carl were socialising but Owen got most of the attention, followed by Carl, who was dragged by hand to some table full of girls that were too nervous to go and meet him.

Owen had no chance to drink his coke, by the time people have calmed down and stopped harassing him, his drink was already flat.

"Dude, where did your friend go?" Carl said to David. Owen looked at the bar and Noel was replaced by a different bartender. He didn't notice how long it's been, and felt disappointed.

"I don't know, man. He was just right here."

"That's rude, he can't leave. I haven't had enough free drinks yet."

David laughed. "I don't know. He's a bit wayward, that guy."

Owen checked his watch. Five minutes and I'll go, he said to himself. He had said to his father he'll go meet him the week before but kept making excuses. That night was when he said he'll go, and he promised. Although he couldn't bring himself to leave without saying bye to Noel, but Noel was already gone.

"Miss me?" Owen heard a sound from behind him and looked. He failed to hide the excitement in his face. Noel was out of uniform, wearing a v-neck half sleeved grey t-shirt, enough of his tattoo was showing for Owen to know it was a snake.

"I missed the free drinks really." Carl said. They all chuckled.

"Please, have as many as you want!" Noel said, laughing. "Sorry I took off without saying," he addressed Owen, "it was the end of my shift and I needed to get out of those clothes."

Owen waved him off.

"By the way, your voice is mesmerising."

Owen looked at him with his eyes wide open, flabbergasted. Noel smiled, which made Owen blush immediately.

"'Thank you' might be the word you're looking for."

Owen cleared his throat, "I'm sorry, thank you."

Noel chuckled and patted Owen's shoulder. He noticed a necklace around his neck, tucked under his shirt. He grabbed it and slowly pulled it out, asking what it was. Owen moved his hand away instantaneously and tucked the necklace back. He then apologised for his reaction and Noel apologised for his intrusion, and they both sat in silence.

The bar was slowly filling up with young men. Generic dance music was playing, not too loudly, in the background. It smelled of beer, sweat and testosterone. Owen felt dreadful as he never mastered the art of small talk. He didn't want to apologise again so not to seem too worried, and didn't want to let it go so not to seem rude. He hated his brain and his awkwardness. Noel was exchanging a few words with many different people. He spoke like he knew everyone for a long time. He started chatting with David, who was sitting on the other side of Owen, making the latter feel like a third-wheel.

Owen checked his watch again. He listened to the two guys talk about the bar, about work, about life. They talked about how this guy called Jacob was an absolute asshole. Although Noel got a bit defensive, trying to come up with excuses for the Jacob's behaviour. Owen felt excluded and unwanted. After circling the rim of his glass for the 30th time, he decided to take his leave.

"Hey, where to?"

"I need to hit the road, it's getting late."

"It's too late, really." He grabbed his arm and made a puppy face, "Stay for a while longer, please?"

After he sat back down, Noel rubbed his forehead, "I do apologise for earlier. I really shouldn't have."

Owen smiled, looked around him, then took his necklace out. It was a small butterfly with four different colours. Noel held it and looked at it excitingly.

"It's beautiful."

"It means... so much to me."

"I'm really sorry."

Owen waved him off and tucked his necklace back in. He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Noel looking behind him, waving, and screaming 'JJ'. He turned around and there was a pretty young man waving back at Noel. He was thin and petit, had his long hair in dreadlocks, tied back in a ponytail with a long fringe covering the sides of his face. He wore a tie-dye shirt and had the most girly face that Owen has ever seen on a man. He watched him trotting past him, right into Noel's arms, and they were both locked in an embrace that seemed to last longer than that of friends. After they broke the hug, Noel craftily dodged a kiss from JJ, and sat on his stool while the latter leaned on the bar opposite him.

The two men easily slipped into a conversation and it was flowing like a lazy river. Owen couldn't fully hear them, only noticed that JJ says "like", "oh my God", and "whatever" more than any grown man should. For the second time that night, he felt abandoned. There was a feeling of frustration mixed with envy and moroseness. Whether it's because Noel completely ignored him and forgot his existence, or because someone else was getting his attention, he didn't know. All he knew was that it was a bad feeling, and the longer he stays, the worse it will get. However, he couldn't look away. The feeling was slowly and steadily growing inside him the longer they chatted, peaking rapidly every time JJ touches Noel's body casually as he spoke.

The tips of Owen's fingers making circles around the rim of his glass. One circle, then another, then another. He couldn't leave; he couldn't stay. How Deep is Your Love by BeeGees starts playing, and Owen unconsciously finds himself saying, in almost a whisper, that he loves the song.

Noel turned to Owen in an instant, interrupting JJ mid sentence, "Would you like to dance?"

Owen was perplexed. He looked around him and realised most of the couples dancing were men. He exhaled with a smile, "dance?"

"Dance. Or... "Noel scratched his head, "are you not... interested?" he emphasised on the last word.

"Oh, no!" he brushed his hair with his fingers, "I mean, yeah I'd love to."

Noel offered him his hand theatrically, and the latter responded in the same way, both smiling at each other. They headed to the dance floor, leaving JJ behind.

The beautiful melody has encapsulated and filled up the place, and reflected on everyone. In Owen's eyes, everything looked pretty. He put his arms on Noel's shoulders, who stood a few inches taller than him, and felt Noel's hands around his waist. Noel's bony, warm hands gave him a thrill and he wished there were no clothes separating them from his skin. He looked up at Noel; his piercing eyes, warm smile and soft hair falling as he looked down at him. He thought Noel looked beautiful.

They didn't really move, merely rocked their bodies side to side slowly, not worrying about looking silly. For a few seconds, they didn't talk. The music swayed their bodies and nothing else existed.

"Is this your first time working in a band?" Noel said in almost a sigh. Owen Nodded.

"I worked solo in a theme restaurant before, then, well you could say I took a year long hiatus."

"Did you write all these songs then?"

"Yeah," Owen laughed, "Sure!"

After a pause of Noel looking confused, Owen stopped laughing.

"You're serious."

Noel shrugged.

"These are like, some of the most popular songs. Do you know anything about music?"

He shrugged again with a smile.

"Dear God."

"I don't really listen to music at all, I just love listening to the sounds of nature."

Owen laughed again. Noel looked him dead in the eyes.

"I'm sorry, you're serious?"

"I think music is limiting. There's so many beautiful sounds out there that you can't put in just four minutes."

"Right... What about this song, then? Do you like it?"

"Well," he paused for a few seconds, "Alright, you got me."

Their chuckles turned into smiles, and they went back to being quiet. Owen closed his eyes and let his brain and body give in to the harmony. He felt Noel's forehead resting against his. In different circumstance, he would withdraw; but he didn't. His body surrendered and he was yearning for more. Noel's hands slowly rubbing his sides didn't bother him, either. The music got into his head, and the warmth of Noel's embrace put him in a trance; he was relaxed and his senses were heightened. He felt every breath Noel let out against his face, and inhaled him deeply. He couldn't tell which fragrance Noel used, it was something he's never smelled before.

The song was slowly fading out and Owen knew it was time to let go. He sighed heavily and opened his eyes; Noel was looking down at him with half a smile and he smiled back. Just as the song has ended, he made an attempt to break the embrace, but was met by a grunt and Noel's hands firmly on his back. Noel was slowly approaching him.

He knew what Noel wanted, and his body suddenly froze. He scanned the room with his eyes wide open, without moving his head.

Too many people.

His chin started quivering. He wondered if David and Carl could see him. Or if his boss was around. He wondered what the people that met him after the show would think, he thought of every single person he saw and felt their eyes on him. He wondered where JJ went.

His head was crowded with thoughts and fears, and Noel getting closer wasn't making it any better. The closer he got, the more gorgeous he got; Owen was almost shaking in apprehension. He wanted to stop him, but was waiting for the right moment when it wasn't early enough to look like disinterest, or too late that the moment had already passed.

Noel was only a couple of inches away from him when Owen thought it was the right moment to speak up. All he could muster was whispering Noel's name, making the latter freeze in place.

"Sorry," Owen cleared his throat, "I'm sorry, I -"

"Oh..."

"I can't -"

"It's okay."

"Do this... here."

Noel raised his eyebrows then sighed in relief. "Right," he tucked his hair away from his face and paused for two seconds, "Do you want to get out of here?"

Owen smiled anxiously.

"I live just around the corner, we could -"

"Okay."

As they walked, Owen didn't know what to do with his arms. He felt his phone and keys in his pocket, crossed his arms and uncrossed them, wrung his wrists and fixed his hair. He thought about texting his father but by the time he took his phone out, Noel said they're at his block.

"Make yourself at home. I'll go in for a quick shower."

Owen nodded and, as soon as Noel disappeared into the bathroom, he looked around the room. The place was really small; a studio apartment. It was barely furnished, pots of plants by the windowsill and in every corner, a king size bed with a dream catcher hanging over it. The smell of a freshly watered garden with a faint mixture of mint and jasmine was dominating the place.

He sat by the edge of the bed and got his phone out. With shaking fingers, he texted "can't make it home tonight, sorry" to his father, put the phone back in his pocket, and took a deep breath. Listening closely to the sound of running water in the bathroom, his heart began to pound fast in his chest; he could feel every beat. He held his hands out, palms down, and noticed the tremors. He quickly withdrew them towards his body, crossed them and rocked back and forth.

When the water current stopped, Owen's breathing turned into a loud gasp. Fingers curling around his arms, rocking faster, and eyes tightly shut. He must have not heard Noel coming out of the bathroom. Whether he stayed there a few minutes or a few hours, he didn't know.

"Are you alright?" Noel said in a chuckle. Owen jumped making Noel chuckle more.

"Jesus Christ, you startled me."

"Oh, gosh!" Noel said, mockingly.

Owen's phone buzzed in his pocket, making him jump a second time; a text from his father asking if everything is OK.

"Anything you'd like me to get you? Water? Juice?"

Owen shook his head, typing "Yes, promise." And before he could press send, Noel took the phone off him, put it on the nightstand, and straddled his thighs.

"Bit jumpy, aren't we?" He stroked Owen's face gently while the latter followed his hand with his eyes. Owen tried to speak but had to clear his throat first.

"I'm very nervous."

"You're very tense." Owen nodded.

He held Owen's quivering chin up, "You need to relax." With both hands on Owen's shoulders, he started kneading his muscles softly, moving down his arm and back up again. Owen opened his mouth to speak but was shushed by Noel.

"Just relax."

Owen closed his eyes and took a deep breath, enjoying the feeling of Noel's firm hands on his arms. The stress and fear slowly leaving his body as he exhales. The bulge in his trousers growing slowly despite him.

Noel held both of his hands and kissed the right one, "relax this hand," he said, moving to his left hand, kissing it as well, "and that one." He then placed them both over each one of his thighs, and dragged them slowly until they reached his buttocks, then pressed them.