Nirvana Ch. 08

"What's it like being on ecstasy?" Owen husked.

"It's like..." He paused to prod his nipple with the tip of his tongue and snatch it between his teeth, making him shudder with pleasure. He grinned and continued, "It's like being with you."

Owen's heart, then, wasn't being wrung dry. While Noel kissed and fondled the swarms of butterflies in his stomach, he felt his heart melting inside his chest. It wasn't unusual for Noel to say things like this. When he caught him at the right mood, Noel always said the sweetest of words. He showered him with compliments and made him feel special, but that day, it was different –warmer, tenderer, more honest. Owen closed his eyes and thanked god for drugs.

Noel crawled up his body with an elbow on either side. His hardness pressed against Owen, achingly as he devoured his lips with passion he'd never felt before.

"Do you want me?"

Owen whimpered underneath him. His cock throbbed inside his jeans in distinct urgency and they knew that going home was not an option.

"Let's not waste a moment," Noel bit one of his prominent ribs, "we're fine here, no one's gonna disturb us."

The mockery of fate came in the form of a knock that sent them both growling and rolling their eyes.

"Except fucking Ivan!" Noel shouted.

"Let me take care of this."

He adjusted himself and opened the door. Ivan was about to speak when Owen grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. It was quick, unplanned, and devoid of emotions, with the sole purpose of making Ivan just as uncomfortable as he had made him all night. Just as soon as he felt him soften against him, and before he could kiss him back, Owen broke away and locked the door. Noel was face down on the mattress, laughing.

"This should hold him off for a few minutes."

"Have I created a monster or what? Come here!"

Owen turned off the lights so the room was only candle lit, and dropped his jeans and t-shirt on his way. They picked up right where they left off. There was lube under the mattress and a condom in Noel's pocket. In no time, they were both naked with Owen on top and Noel easing inside him.

At that moment, Noel felt the rush of ecstasy hit him at full blast. It could have been the snug warmth of Owen around him, the soft, faint sound he always made when he received him, or it could have been the aphrodisiac smell of candles and sex, but right then, he was in another dimension. Images blurred out of focus and came back together in different forms and he watched Owen become one with the swaying fire.

One thing he knew for sure was this was not the drugs. He had sex on ecstasy many times before, and it always felt intense. However, his past sexual experiences then could all be summed up as one big build up. Foreplay. A warm-up act to what he had in his arms at that very moment –the figure of beauty with a butterfly on his chest, pressing both hands on his stomach, his hips rocking up and down and his eyes fluttering open and shut, tearing his bottom lip between his teeth in a laborious attempt at keeping quiet. This, Noel thought, was what sex should always feel like.

He could feel it, something within him was changing, or growing, he couldn't tell. He was never good at describing how he felt or coming to terms with emotions. It wasn't the drugs, definitely not the drugs, but it sure made it a lot less scary.

After their skyrocketing pleasure found its release, they lay side by side, sighing in harmony. Noel was only half conscious, and Owen was on his way there himself. Noel turned to him, his blood pumped full of drugs, and he mumbled, "you... You kissed Ivan."

Owen chuckled, "Yeah, you should have seen his face."

"You kissed Ivan... I didn't like it."

He was mumbling and drawling, not just the Southern drawl he let out when he was really drunk, it was also because he was drifting off to sleep, but Owen heard that clearly –so clearly that he needed to hear it again. He looked into his eyes to make sure this wasn't a sick joke, and it wasn't. Noel was staring back with only a rim of blue in his solar eclipse eyes, and absolutely no humour.

"I didn't like it," he repeated, "don't do it again. Don't..." he trailed off as he fell asleep.

Owen watched his breath taper down, and when he was certain he was fast asleep, he tip-toed to where his trousers were and picked up his phone. He scrolled to the group chat with Carl and David, and sent them a message in capital letters saying that he loved them. It took him hours to fall asleep that night.

---

Balance.

Noel pressed his palms together and thrust them over his head, and his exhale was a desperate sigh. Coming down on MDMA had always drained the light out of his soul and left him with a feeling he could only describe with his fruitless expressions as a hangover of the heart, so he turned to nature for help hoping that fresh air and sunshine would sort him out. He stood upon Wyanokie high point with one bare foot planted on the floor, and the other firmly against his inner thigh, repeating 'balance, balance, balance.'

Something happened the night before which he couldn't remember but knew wasn't usual. He was rolling so hard, anyway, so it shouldn't matter what he'd said or done, but that morning he had no excuse. When he woke up, Owen shuffled and cuddled up to him and he could smell his tousled, post-coital hair. He groaned and expressed his despondence at having to get back to work that day.

"I thought you liked work" Owen said, and he replied saying "I like work but I like..." and then he stopped in his tracks, "I like spending time with you more."

It was too late because he saw the miniscule twitch at the side of Owen's mouth and the sparkle in his sneaky little eyes. They both felt it, but both were far too timid to address it. Letting go of Owen that morning was the hardest thing he ever had to do, and he'd let go of so many things in the past.

Balance.

He was supposed to clear his head and hold his pose like a tall and proud tree, but he tumbled down more like a house of cards in the cold wind, and his head was full of Owen.

Change of plans, he thought, can't go wrong with the child pose. Arms stretched, palms and knees on the floor, and head bent down. Count your breaths. Try again.

---

Another calm night at Jersey Devils. Noel watched the stage from behind the bar, where the band were in a playful mood, bickering, joking, and playing their most up-beat tunes. Every now and again, Owen would look at him and give an inconspicuous wink or lick his lips seductively. Three days it had been since they'd seen each other, and each day, Noel sent him a letter. His letters contained simple words of encouragement and subtle flirtation that Owen absorbed and folded in his pocket to get through the day. One of them, he had to read three times to make sure he got it right because it said 'Shine bright, my rockstar," and Owen couldn't wrap his head around Noel's use of possessives. He read that one all through the night while ostensibly watching a film with David or eating dinner.

He was wrapping up the gig, thanking his audience, and Noel was half listening to JJ's garrulous drivel –half listening at first, then slowly started tuning him out. Owen was saying "Give it up for our bassist, everyone, he's been fantastic tonight." Carl thought he was being sarcastic, so he flipped him off, which the audience seemed to enjoy so much. "Grab a drink," Owen continued, "and don't forget to like us on Facebook, we're taking song suggestions."

A couple of people shouted, "Skyscraper."

"And whoever says 'Skyscraper' in the comments gets banned."

They laughed, and Noel did, too. JJ stopped talking and looked in the same direction he was looking, to realise that he had not been listening to a word he was saying. He shrugged and said, "He is hot, isn't he?"

"Yeah," Noel's countenance was not lustful. He was smiling in pride, "that's my boy right there."

JJ made objecting sounds, "isn't that bizarre."

Noel cocked one eyebrow.

"I'm just saying. You don't do that kinda stuff."

"Jason Junior, are you passing judgement?"

"Nah, just saying." He signalled with his hand for another drink, "whatever floats your boat. I've gotta head off and try to stop Ivan from luring me back to his place."

"Why break the habit of a lifetime?"

"Because..." He drank a mouthful and continued, "I'm gonna lure him back to mine."

Noel laughed and shook his head. What he would normally do, in that situation, as a rule of muscle memory is he would lean over and give him a peck on the lips. But it seemed that whatever changed inside him that day had managed to get in there and stop him, and what had felt like a normal act of habit became redundant and aberrant.

When they got to his apartment, Owen threw himself face down on the bed so hard it creaked, and then he started talking. He was verbose that night, talking on and on about everything, even the weather. It was all he could do to distract himself from panicking. He knew that they needed to have a serious chat, and from the dark depths of his cynical attitude, he extrapolated that Noel would tell him they got dangerously close, and that he needed a break from him. Fear and doubt fuelled his one-sided conversation and dragged it on for as long as he could while Noel sat at the edge of the bed only humming in affirmation at the end of every sentence.

"My god I'm starving." His voice was muffled against the pillow.

"Should I make pancakes?"

Owen curled his lip, "out of cardboard? No thanks."

Noel took one deep breath and tapped him on the shoulder. "Sit up," he said, and Owen thought this was it. He had both feet on the floor, ready to take off at any minute if things got hectic, but Noel wasn't making any sense. He would start a sentence and stop abruptly, make vague shapes with his hands, rub his forehead, and then start a completely different sentence with fewer words.

"Look, I have no idea how to do this, I never had to before. I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

"Do what, what do you mean?"

"I don't know!" he shouted, "I don't know. My head is spinning, my thoughts are fucking zigzagging in different directions and I can't see clearly because I need to meditate, and I can't meditate because I keep thinking of you!"

He held his head in his hands. It didn't look like he was angry. He was loud but zealous and frustrated, if it were possible to be both at once.

"Noel, are you about to ask me to leave again?"

"No! No, baby, quite the very opposite."

He held his hand in a quick reflex before he realised what he'd said. They locked eyes, one in terror, the other in astonishment.

"Okay... Noel, tell me exactly what you want to say."

His mouth was open, but nothing came out. After a few seconds, he pressed his hand and got up, "I'm gonna make some pancakes, yeah?"

"No!"

Owen grabbed his hand tighter, and then they heard the doorbell.

"I'll get that."

"Ignore it."

Owen was grabbing him with both of his hands, like it was the last chance they'd ever get to have him profess his love. He blinked at him, begging, pleading, and Noel was gently prying his fingers from between Owen's hands. A soft sound came from behind the door saying Noel's name, a sound they both immediately recognised. They stared at each other in shock, and Owen let go of him.

Behind the door, there was blood –a lot of blood. Owen was only able to see a glimpse of JJ's blood-doused face before it was buried in Noel's chest. There was some light whispering, then he seated him on his bed and asked Owen to grab a bag of frozen peas and wrap it in a towel, and he used his shirt to wipe all the blood. Both JJ and Noel were calm and rational considering the situation, acting perfunctorily like it was a chore or a regular occurrence. Noel was asking if he'd passed out, if he's hurt anywhere, pressing different parts of his body to make sure, but JJ was solemnly shaking his head to all the questions.

Nowhere else was injured, but his face was in a state. His bottom lip was busted open, nose bleeding, both cheeks and right side of his forehead bruised and abraded, and his right eyelid swollen with ecchymosis so much he couldn't open it.

When he finally spoke, softly, he said it was Ivan.

"I threw my drink in his face," he said, "I said stuff, he said stuff, and I threw it in his face."

Noel lightly pushed the towel of ice against his face. He asked him to stop talking, assuring him that he was OK. Owen watched them, cross-armed and leaning against the wall.

"I'll get him back. I swear to gods I'll get him back."

"I'm all against this idea. I'd stay away from him, really Jay, I would."

"Also," Owen weighed in, "no offense, but he's about twice your size."

Noel smiled, and JJ tried to but his face hurt everywhere.

"Yeah, I bet you couldn't even scratch him just then."

JJ shook his head then raised his eyebrows, "I tore his stupid fucking leather jacket to shreds." He chuckled faintly to himself, and then he was silent for a while. His expression changed from agitated to sad, his face turned red, and his body started shaking. "I'm sorry," he kept saying in between sobs –loud, indiscreet sobs. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He took Noel's hand in his, and extended his other hand to Owen, which he reluctantly took, if only out of politeness and his pang of guilt.

Up until that moment, Owen had been sceptical about the authenticity of JJ's story. He suspected that JJ had set it up, asked Ivan to punch him so he could spoil their night and take Noel away from him. It was his wicked selfishness and jealous streak, perpetuated by his hope that Ivan couldn't have possibly been a violent maniac. He was disgusted with himself when he saw the look of horror in JJ's bleeding, weeping face.

"I'm sorry I came here, I had nowhere else to go."

Noel squeezed his hand and thumbed his ear, pressing different placebo areas to make him calmer, "It's OK, Jay, you'll be just fine." He paused for a bit and continued, "You could have gone to Jacob's, you know."

JJ smiled and then winced.

"Get your left eye matching your right?"

He laughed. "Is it okay if..." he turned to Owen, "I'm sorry, is it okay if I stay here tonight? I don't know what he's done to my place... I ran outside. I don't know if he's still there. Please, Noel? I promise I won't bother you guys. I'll sleep on the floor. I'll take your sleeping bag and sleep on the floor."

Owen thought the only noble thing to do after being secretly despicable would be to go home, so JJ could sleep in a bed instead of on the floor.

Noel drove him back. He was never comfortable driving a vehicle unless it was environment-friendly, which JJ's hybrid was. On the way there, Owen was thinking how stupid of him that, by his request, his lover was to share a bed with a man he had been intimate with in the past, coincidentally on the day he was going to... He didn't know what Noel was going to do, and there was no hope for him ever finding out that day.

When Noel stopped at his house, he asked if it were possible to continue their conversation. Noel sighed and apologised.

"I have to get back to Jay. I'm really sorry, it's complicated... He makes a lot of bad decisions in his life. This is the third time Ivan has done this, you know? Not to mention the others. Heaven knows how many have done this before I met him, and as disappointed as I am with him, I don't want him to think this is his karma but look, we'll talk tomorrow, yeah? I promise. Here," he pressed a kiss on his cheek and lips, "I promise. Now go. I have to go, the boy must be terrified on his own."

----

Maybe Noel was right about Owen being an empath. He'd told him on different occasions that he had a heightened sense of spirituality, that he could feel energies and spirits he wasn't even aware of. He'd told him that all the yoga and meditation he did was so he could reach a level of enlightenment with which Owen was gifted. Owen, then, told him that he only had a heightened sense of anxiety and pessimism, and Noel hooked an arm around his neck, bent him down to mess up his hair and kiss the top of his head. At the time, Owen thought that was sweet –a sweet and gentle gesture– but when he thought about it right then, it didn't mean anything. It felt pernicious, even – one of many pointless lies.

Whether or not he believed Noel, or believed that it were possible for a human to be an empath outside of the paranormal, when he woke up that day, he knew it –he just knew that Noel was going to end their relationship for good this time.

All day, he dawdled, creeping around the house like a ghost. He sat and watched David on the PlayStation, not particularly interested, but yearning for the company of a good friend, killing time until David could drive him on his way to work. It wasn't that he doubted Noel's loyalty, or overestimated JJ's mischief, but he could see it in Noel's eyes the night before that he was at a crossroads. Noel liked him, there was no way around that, and he had to choose between jumping into the unknown oblivion of a serious relationship, or have both feet firmly rooted to familiar ground. The moment had already passed to choose the former.

He hesitated to exit the car when they reached Noel's block. He turned to David and said, "we're friends, right?"

David chuckled, "Depends what you want."

"I guess I've been an asshole lately."

"You've always been an asshole, so what?"

He didn't laugh, he didn't even smile. "You'll stick by me no matter what, right?"

"Of course, man. What are you talking about?"

Owen shrugged. He couldn't tell him he was petrified by the idea of being alone, forsaken, abandoned because all the terrible things he'd done have finally come back to haunt him. He told him it was nothing, not to worry about it, and he left.

Everything started making sense when he entered Noel's apartment. The dream-catcher wasn't on the wall, the crystals and pots of plants were missing, and everything had been packed away in a rucksack by the door. Noel was fully dressed and drinking, probably to get rid of all the alcohol, and he was clearly avoiding eye contact.

They started a light, casual conversation. Owen asked him how Jay was doing, how he was doing, he talked about videogames and war and politics. None of this came as a shock to him, unlike the previous two times when Noel ended their affair. He was expecting this. All he had to do was wait.

"So I see you're all packed."

Noel rubbed his face, hiding his eyes in shame.

"Can I just say that you promised, promised, last night that we'll continue our conversation? How about we do it right now if we're not gonna do anything else. You owe me this."

He put his drink on a table and looked straight at him, speaking quietly, "last night, after I dropped you off, I had an epiphany. I heard this voice, and knew that whatever I would have said to you would have been a mistake, not just for me but also for you. You'll know what I mean Owen if you ever hear these voices, it consumes you. I saw everything. The big picture. There's no way I can explain this, but I know that I need to move on. To keep moving on."

"Great. Brilliant. I guess there's no point asking where you're going."

"I don't know where I'm going," he patted his thigh, "I've got a valid passport and enough money. Anywhere's good."

Owen sighed and paused to think of what to say. It would have been much easier if he wasn't absolutely positive that Noel had feelings for him, and if Noel's reasoning wasn't entirely ludicrous.