No Way Back?

The elevator dinged and the door opened. "Goodbye, Teresa," Scott said, and they stepped into the elevator.

She wailed and rushed toward the door, but it was closing as she tried to get inside. She saw the numbers flash as it began to descend and she let out a shriek of despair and rage as she collapsed to the floor of the hall, weeping uncontrollably. A couple of doors opened and heads peeked out. One was Jason Terry. He saw Teresa huddled to the wall and rushed to her, He tried to pull her to her feet and she was limp until she looked up at him with haunted eyes. Recognition dawned and she spit like a hellcat, her fingernails clawing the skin of his face, digging for his eyes. He fled, his face bleeding and felt one of her shoes strike him between the shoulder blades. He stumbled and she was on him, clawing at the back of his neck until he thrust her away in a panic and made the safety of the stairwell. He slammed the door behind him and she beat on it for a second before turning and walking away.

He peeked out into the corridor, and saw her stop and pick up her shoes before going into her room. He made his way to the front desk, blood dripping from his face and got a duplicate keycard. He refused all offers of assistance and their offer to call the police. The last thing he needed was for any of this to come out. He was going to have enough trouble explaining his face to Janet.

As the door of the elevator closed, Scott and Kristan heard Teresa's last shriek. Kristan clung, trembling, to her father. "Dad, what happened back there? Why was Mom looking like that and what did you mean about the room being 'the lawyer's' room?"

Scott embraced his little girl tightly. "Honey, I'm so sorry," he said. "Do you know what cheating is?"

She looked up at him with those impossibly green eyes. "It's when a husband or wife has sex with someone else, right? Is that what Mom was doing?"

"Yes, that's what it means," he said. "That's what your mother was doing. I'm sorry, baby, but I can't lie to you."

She sniffed, a little tear beginning to trickle down her cheeks. "Thanks, Dad. I wouldn't like it if you lied to me. I hate everything about this, but if you lied to me, it would make it even worse, if that's even possible. I know I'm not very old, but I'm too old to be lied to."

He squeezed her again. "Yes, you are."

"What are we going to do?" she asked.

"We're going on vacation," he said.

"Without Mom?" she asked.

"Do you want her to come?" he asked.

She thought for a moment. "No, I don't. Right now, I don't think I ever want to see her again."

"I hope you change your mind," he said. "We're going to have to see her again, Kristan. We live with her."

"What if you divorce her?" she asked.

"I have no idea," he said. "The way divorce works in this country, some judge could wind up giving her custody of you."

"Dad, I'm depending on you not to let that happen," she said. "Don't let her take me. I want to be with you."

"I may not... what would you want me to do?" he asked. "If I refuse, the police could come and take you away and put me in jail."

"What if we don't go back?" she asked. "What if we just run away?"

"Honey, I don't know how that would work," he said.

The elevator arrived at the lobby, they collected their luggage, leaving Teresa's with the desk, and caught a cab to the airport. The talked on the way and tried to imagine what they could do.

"I have to work," he explained. "I have to make money so that we can live and I have a good job."

"Couldn't you get a job somewhere else?" she asked.

"Yes, but not making nearly as much as I make now," he said. "Your grandparents, my parents, live at home. They haven't done anything wrong and taking you away somewhere they couldn't see you wouldn't be fair to them. They love you, honey, and as much as I'm sure you don't want to hear this, your mother loves you, too. I can't imagine what she thought she was doing, but I'm sure she loves you."

"Well, I guess I love her," she said. Tears were flowing again. "I'm really mad at her, though. This is the kind of mad that 'I'm sorry' doesn't fix."

Scott hugged his trembling daughter's slight form to him. "I know, baby." He kissed the top of her head. "Me, too."

They did enjoy their vacation and they became, if possible, even closer, their bond of misery uniting them. The elephant was always in the living room and they talked about what they were going to do, over and over, until the flight home.

Teresa was a wreck, a shadow of her former self. She was unable to eat or sleep, except when exhaustion took her, wherever she chanced to be. Most of the sleep she got was when she sat in Scott's recliner or on the sofa, crying herself to sleep, waking to cry inconsolably until she collapsed again. She was on vacation, so she was spared the necessity of going to work.

She sometimes thought she would welcome the distraction, but she knew she would be worthless. After four days of no contact from anyone, her mother called her cell phone. Teresa really didn't want to speak to her, but she needed to speak to someone, so she answered her phone.

The story spilled from her in gasping sobs, nearly unintelligible to her brokenhearted mother. "Stop, Teresa, just stop," Sarah said. "Let me call your father and I'll be right over. Don't do anything, just sit down, make us a drink and I'll be over, okay?"

"Yes, Mom, okay, I'll be waiting. Please hurry, Mom," she begged.

Sarah called her husband, Mark, and told him that Teresa was a mess, that she'd done something very stupid and she was going over to help her deal with it. When she arrived, she walked in and was immediately met by her daughter, flying across the room and throwing herself into her mother's arms, sobbing hysterically.

Sarah held her for a long time, just stroking her hair and telling Teresa that she loved her and everything would be okay. She wished she were that confident. In fact, she had no idea, but she felt Teresa needed the positive words.

Teresa recovered enough to speak coherently, and they took a seat on the couch, putting their feet up on the ottoman and nursing the good scotch Teresa had poured.

The whole sordid story came tumbling out and Sarah was horrified. The cheating had been bad enough, but the situation that had developed was nearly preposterous. She couldn't imagine a worse scenario and had no idea how her daughter's marriage could continue.

"Jesus, Tess," she said. "You are in trouble. I can't imagine how Scott and Kristan must have felt. How could you..." She was interrupted by a wail from her daughter and a fresh round of uncontrollable weeping.

"I'm sorry, baby, I won't... I wasn't meaning to beat you up. You, obviously, feel bad enough as it is, I was just thinking aloud. Where are Scott and Kristan, now?"

"I don't know," Teresa said. "They said something about taking me on a vacation. I guess they went without me." She wept again at the thought.

"Did they say how long they'd be gone?" Sarah asked.

Teresa shook her head. "No, but they arranged for me to have 10 days off from work. I guess that's when they'll be back. I could call Scott's office and see when they expect him."

She did just that, and discovered that he, too, had taken 10 days. "I can't stay here by myself for 10 days," she told Sarah. "Can I come and stay with you and Dad, Mom? I can't stay here alone for 10 days!" Her rising voice held a note of panic and Sarah quickly agreed that she could stay with them.

"Teresa, I don't know what to expect from your father," she said. "I think it's very likely that he's going to be very angry with you. He loves you with everything in his heart, but he's going to be so disappointed in you. You had better be ready to get the riot act. He'll forgive you, but you know how he feels about Scott. God, Teresa, I can't imagine how Kristan..." She didn't finish her sentence as she saw the wounded look in the eyes of her daughter. "Let's go pack you some clothes," she said.

Teresa was in no state to drive and she rode with her mother, staring forlornly out the window and contemplating the shambles of her life. She had no explanation for her behavior that sounded reasonable, even to her. A week ago, she would never have contemplated that she was the sort of person who would ever find herself in this position. She was secure, happy in her marriage and family, doing well at her job, in love with her husband and she loved Kristan desperately. Now, her life was in the toilet and she had no idea how it had come to this.

As her thoughts turned inward, she could feel no lessening of her love for Scott. He was, and remained, her world. Their sex life was fantastic and she never had a thought of being unfaithful until that weekend. She enjoyed the attention of other men, but it was just flirting, something she had always done, and she never had the slightest intention of it ever becoming something more. She must have some character flaw, she decided, unknown even to her, that had caused this. She would need some heavy introspection to discover it and attempt to explain it when Scott and Kristan returned. She felt like a clock was ticking and felt a rising sense of panic.

Her father's reaction was about what she expected and she was deep in his doghouse. She knew he'd angry for quite some time, but would eventually forgive her. She wished she felt as certain about Scott.

In the 10 days grace she had, she made some steps. She sought and made an appointment with a counselor and went to two emergency sessions. She got a prescription for antidepressants and they helped a bit. She certainly didn't feel at all ready when the tenth day was up. Sarah drove her home and she waited fearfully for the return of her husband and daughter.

She heard the garage door open and sprang up, rushing to the door off the laundry room and peering into the garage. She saw Kristan getting out and ran around the car toward her daughter. Kristan saw her coming and held up her hand. "Save it, Mom," she said. "I don't want you to touch me."

Teresa felt her knees buckle and her longing eyes melted Kristan's reserve a little. "Please, baby, I need to hug you," Teresa begged. Kristan nodded, tersely, and Teresa closed the distance quickly, pulling her daughter's slight form into her embrace, scalding tears dripping onto Kristan's hair.

Scott got out and popped the trunk. He removed their luggage and carried it in, Teresa still holding onto Kristan like a life preserver. He carried the luggage upstairs and put his in his room before carrying Kristan's to her room. When he came down, mother and daughter were sitting on the couch drinking a soft drink, and he saw a can and a glass, with ice, sitting on the coffee table in front of his recliner. He sat down with a sigh, glancing over at his wife, who seemed unable to meet his eyes.

Teresa tried desperately to collect her thoughts. "Scott, Kristan, I need to apologize to both of you," she began. "I'm never going to be able to tell you how much I regret what I did and how ashamed I am. I have no excuses for what I did. If you give me the opportunity, I'm going to show you what I'm going to do to make sure you know how much I regret what I did. Kristan, I'd like to talk to you, alone, if you would, and then I'd like to talk to you, Scott. Will you let me do that?"

"You want me to leave?" Scott asked.

"No, not at all, I hope Kristan will take me to her room so we can talk," Teresa said.

"Okay, let's go," Kristan said.

They turned up the stairs and Scott watched them go, his thoughts in turmoil. When they got to Kristan's room, the door closed and he could only hear murmurs from the bedroom.

Teresa sat Kristan down on her bed, kneeling in front of her and taking both her daughter's hands in hers. "Honey, I know I really fell off the cliff, here," she said. "No, that makes it seem like an accident. I jumped; I know I did. Baby, have I been a good mother to you? You're 10 years old. Do you think I've been a good mother for those 10 years?"

Kristan sat silently for a moment, thinking about her answer. "Yes, Mom, you've always been a good mother," she said. "I think that for 10 years you were the best mother you could possibly be, until you weren't."

Her statement hit Teresa like a ton of bricks, causing a roaring in her ears and she felt as if she was going to pass out. She shook her head, got a grip on her emotions and tried again.

"I know, Kristan. I know what I did. I took something clean and beautiful and made it dirty and cheap. I'm sorry; I don't know how to make that go away. All I can do now is promise that I'll never do anything again to make you ashamed of me. Do you think you'll ever forgive me, Baby?"

Again, Kristan thought for a minute. "It depends," she finally said.

"What do you mean?" Teresa asked.

"It depends on what happens," Kristan said. "It depends on what you do. I want to forgive you, Mom. I probably will. I'm going to be very mad at you for a long time. Damn you, Mom, I'm as mad as hell at you, right now."

Teresa gasped. "Kristan, you shouldn't curse like that."

"Well, a lot of people do things they shouldn't," Kristan pointed out. "You, for example. You shouldn't have been in that man's room, should you? You don't have any business telling me what I should and shouldn't do."

Teresa cried quietly for a moment. "Yes, I know, honey. I know I don't have the right to say anything to you, but I do love you and it's my job to try to point you in the right direction, no matter how badly I've screwed up. No matter how much I forgot what I'm supposed to do and be, you still need to be the kind of girl your father can be proud of; do you understand?"

"Yes, I do," Kristan said.

"Then tell me what you mean, 'It depends on what I do'," Teresa asked.

"If Dad divorces you and our family is destroyed, I'm not going to forgive you for that," Kristan began to cry a little at that point. "You better do everything you can to make sure that doesn't happen. The second thing is, if Dad divorces you, you have some choices to make. If that happens, I want to live with him. I don't trust you enough to want to be with you. If you make that hard for us, I won't forgive you for that, either."

For the first time, the true enormity of what she had done hit Teresa like a runaway truck. The wreckage of her stupidity was sitting on the bed in front of her and downstairs in the living room. She had no idea what to say, what to do or even what to think. She knew she had to do something.

"I understand," she said. "You can take this to the bank, Kristan. If there's any possible way for me to stay with your father, I swear on my life that I'll make it work. If he decides he can't stand the sight of me, I'll accept that, too, and I'll never, ever, try to take you away from your father. If that happens, all I can hope for is that you'll have some scraps of your love left for me, because if you hate me, I don't think I can live with that."

"I don't hate you, Mom," Kristan said, looking down at the pitiful form of her mother, head hanging, hands on hers and her shoulders slumping in defeat. "I thought I would, but I don't. I don't like you very much, and you need to do some things. You need to go down there and fight. You need to put on the fight of your life for Dad, for me, for our family. Go down there, Mom, and do what you need to do. Don't sit there like you're some dishrag. You need to get back to where you were last week, be the mother I had then. Go down there and look Dad in the eye and fight. Will you do that?"

Teresa stood, pulling her daughter to her feet and hugging her tightly. "Yes, baby, I will. Thank you, Kristan. You're the smartest, most beautiful daughter a mother could ever wish for. I'm so sorry I didn't remember that. I do, now, and I'm going to fight."

She turned and walked out, looking back and pausing once. Kristan made a shooing motion and Teresa smiled and went to face what she knew was coming.

Scott was waiting, the soft drink replaced by something a little stiffer from the decanter on the table. Teresa poured herself a finger or two and sat on the floor in front of him, her legs crossed and holding her drink between them, almost as a shield.

"Scott, I know saying I'm sorry won't change anything, but I am," she said. "I've never been so disappointed in myself in my life. I know that as bad as I feel, you feel a thousand times worse. I'd take that on myself, if I could. What are we going to do? Are you done with me? Is there anything I can do?"

"I have no idea," he said. "I've had ten days to think about that. I have to ask you some things, but I have no idea whether I'll believe you. It could just be a painful exercise in futility. Everything may be that. What do you think?"

"Ask me anything," she said. "I'll be completely truthful. I know you have no reason to believe me, but look at my face and I think you'll be able to see that I'm telling the truth."

He took a deep breath. "Okay, here goes. Do you still love me, Tess? Are you in love with me?"

"I never stopped loving you," she said. "I love you more than I did the day we got married. You're as perfect as I imagined you'd be when I told you I'd marry you. I'm completely and totally in love with you; I always have been, and I always will be."

He scanned her face as she spoke and saw no trace of hesitation or duplicity. "Okay, how many men have you... slept with?"

"Three," she said.

His face showed some surprise. "Three? Jesus Christ, Teresa! This isn't the first time?"

"No, no," she hastened to assure him. "This is the first time. You know that I had sex with my boyfriend when I was in college. The second one is you, and then... the lawyer guy."

He fell back in the chair, deflated a little. That first answer had shocked some emotion into him, and the subsequent explanation left him feeling weak. "Look at me and swear," he said.

She gazed steadfastly into his eyes. "I've never had sex with anyone but you since we've been together until that Saturday," she said. "I've never kissed another man, never let another man touch me intimately in any way and I'm only sorry that I can't still say that."

"Are you in love with the lawyer?" he asked.

"God, no, Scott, I hardly know him," she said. "I'll never see him again and I wish to God I'd never sat down at that table next to him. I love you, Scott, no one else. I don't know how to explain to you what happened in Dallas. I've had two meetings with a psychologist to help me try to get my head screwed on straight. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me that I could do this to you, to Kristan, to myself. I'm trying, Scott."

He looked morosely at her for a few moments. "What am I going to do with you, Tess?" She heard the despair in his voice.

"I don't know," she whispered. "Love me? Help me, Scott! I'm a mess. I know that, but I love you and I need you now as I've never needed you before. I know that sounds stupid, in view of what I did, but it's true. I'll accept any punishment you want to give me. I'll do anything you say, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it without one complaint."

"What if I tell you I'm going to sleep with another woman?" he asked.

She drew in a shuddering breath. "Yes, I figured that was coming. Do what you need to do, Scott. Just forgive me, please. I won't say a word if that's what you need to do. I deserve whatever you decide. I hope you won't stoop to my level. You're a better person than I am. Don't cheapen yourself because of me. That will make me hate myself even more, that I would make you go there."

"I think I should divorce you," he said.

"Yes, I agree," she said. "You should, but I'm hoping you won't. If you decide to do that, please don't take Kristan away from me, Scott. Let me see her whenever I can, okay? I know if that happens, she wants to be with you. I won't fight that, but I need her. If I lose you, I can't lose her, too. I can't live with that."