North Star Ch. 02

Thanks to rexbrookdale for helping to edit this story.

All characters are at least 18 years old.

*****

Night has always suited me better. I've never understood morning people and their love of sunrises. No matter how many shades or curtains I have drawn, that blinding light slithers in to bite at my eyes. I fight it, roll over, bury my head between pillows, force myself to pretend I'm still dreaming. It never works. I resist, because waking means surrendering dreams to reality. Opening my eyes would mean seeing myself how time sees me: naked and frail.

Today, though, I was actually naked. And everything hit me all at once.

What had I done? I'm not gay. What the fuck, Ryan? What the fuck! Get off Noah. Your friend, Noah. Yeah. He's your friend. Just your friend. You have to get out of here. Don't wake him. Oh God. Why is it sticky? And what is that smell?

I didn't remember getting dressed but, fully clothed and walking full-speed, I found I had broken away and out the door of Willard Brown's Donald Hall for ... Boys. Good old Wilbur and its ancient beneficiaries; they had built the school grounds so that its boundary edged right up to a robust forest. I imagine they had done it to be closer to 'God's creation'. They'd even had the gall to christen the forest 'Eden'.

The thoughts kept coming and I had nowhere to put them. I couldn't sort them fast enough or delegate them to someone else.

Are you a fag? Fuck you.

You liked it. No I didn't.

Why'd you keep going, then? Because it would have been weird to stop.

Hahaha that's such bullshit, and you know it. Shut up! Noah had been ... upset about something.

Oh, well then naturally you should suck his cock like a fag. It just sort of happened. I didn't force him.

Right. It was the devil! It wasn't your mouth polishing his hog. You know he's probably thinking about how fucked up you are. He's freaking out about how gay you are and how he never knew. He's probably re-thinking your entire friendship. Wondering how many times you have seen him naked ... how many perverted, fucked-up thoughts you have had about him ... how many times you have gotten off, fantasizing about his body! What if he tells Pete? Or Ned ... or Jill? Everyone is going to laugh at you, then beat you up. I bet the whole school already knows. Maybe if you fell just right your neck would snap quickly.

In my dissociative stupor I started down a familiar trail into the forest but then aimlessly walked through the trees. I had stumbled my way to the edge of a bluff, one of many within Eden. I gazed down the steep drop-off. There was a ledge about halfway down, like a tongue gaping out of a wicked mouth. Weakened by erosion, large stones had fallen from the top, landing on this substantial shelf. They leaned away from the cliff wall as if all pulling equally against each other. The sunrise had colored these 'teeth' a dingy yellow, but left the throat in shadow. Looking down and across from the black depths of its jaws, the forest continued encouraging my inclination to fly.

Too afraid to back away and yet stubborn enough not to jump, I sat down. My feet baited the sinister mouth while my eyes searched. Six hundred yards across from where I perched, another escarpment jabbed through the otherwise flat ground. The trees had turned the colors their biology dictated for this time of year: shots of yellow, burnt orange, and cardinal red dotted the forest floor between the two bluffs. Some brave seeds, years ago, had used the wind to climb the rocky outcroppings. Many must have tried and despaired, upon landing. The dead stones guarded their precious nutrients. A few, though, over the years had found soil and were now tall enough to look out above their ancestors.

Down below, a creek lazily dodged slight depressions and minor hills to pool between the bluffs a little to the north of where I sat facing the sunrise. Long ago it had drowned the trees and opened up a clearing. The rays barely touched where a deer and fawn stood on the creek bed sipping the cool water, the mother licking at her child.

I watched the interplay; she licked as the fawn resisted. It would hop away, quizzically look back at its stoic mother, and then begrudgingly return. The mother worked her way along from its jaw to the flank. When the fawn had been thoroughly ruffled and fluffed the family took one last sip. She turned to leave and the fawn hopped ahead into the shadows of the trees.

I had lost track of time. How long had I been sitting on the cliff? The sun was much higher now and I had class at 8. With Noah. And Mrs. Dorowitz. I couldn't skip; if I missed one more she could drop my grade. And I couldn't play on Friday with a D. I dimly recalled taking the Aberdeen trail, south of the school. But where was the trail? I jumped up and jogged back into the forest.

The trail had to be northwest of the bluff. I turned that way. I found the trail cutting through the trees and sprinted back toward campus. As I grew nearer the trail widened from frequent travel. Panting, I finally caught sight of the clock tower. 7:54. No time to get my bag. I took off toward Marilyn: a building that looked like something straight out of a Tim Burton movie. The four-story stone mansion's towers loomed overhead as my feet pounded up the steps. Down the left hallway, the door on the right. I slowed to a quick walk. I couldn't look like I wanted to be there too badly. Reputation is everything.

Mrs. Dorowitz peered at us, over the top of her lime-green 60s-era cat's eye glasses, from where she sat at her desk. I sat down beside Donny and Q in the far back with a quick "'Sup" to both. Mrs. D had always worn those ridiculous glasses because she thought they went with her fiery red hair. The mane never stayed in its ponytail for long because she ran and jumped while she taught. Chemistry excited her to such a great extent that she'd wanted to teach it first thing at 8 am. Her body had little fat, its old sinews protruding through the skin on her arms and neck. Her face, though, was stretched tightly against her skull. Those damn glasses. Why did she never get new ones? Change up her style? Her dress was plain, professional, and compliant with school code. It seemed as if Wilbur itself had forced her into conceding to conventionality.

I looked around. Noah wasn't here yet but Jill was, headed right for me. "Becca told me you and Noah were with Sherry last night," she hissed before tightly pursing her lips. She raised her eyebrows and didn't blink. Daring me to deny it.

"Miss Beaumont, if you would give half as much attention to the clock as you did your outfit this morning, you would notice that class has begun."

I watched a pulsing vein in Jill's forehead, thinly veiled behind a weak smile, as she straightened up and strode over to take her seat. Mrs. Dorowitz had been talking while Jill was busy egging me on. And Mrs. D hates talking over people almost as much as she hates pretty, rich girls.

"I'm sure the chair is as glad to have your ass as I am your attention." Yeah, she never liked Jill.

Glowering at her yawning pupils, Raggedy Ann began to lecture about acids and bases. "When a strong acid meets a strong base they come together to perfectly cancel each other out. Weak acids can make more acid when confronted with a base and therefore buffer a solution like our blood..."

It was all very dull and I had nothing to take notes on since my bag was still sitting in the room. Where was Noah? Maybe he hadn't shown up because he knew I would be here. Just as the forest's mouth was resuming its torrent of hate, the door creaked and Noah's blond hair streaked to the closest desk while Mrs. D had turned to write something about Henderson-Hasselbalch on the board.

Turning to address the class, she did a double-take ... but Noah was safe. He was the only one she never caught coming late to class. I hoped he would glance my way. I just needed to know if he was mad. He continued to stare at the board and dutifully take notes. Why wouldn't he look at me? This could be bad.

Eden's mouth was blocked this time by Mrs. D's sharp voice.

"Howerton? Hello? Are you paying attention or too busy gazing at Miss Beaumont?"

"Uh," I said, suddenly seeing Jill between Noah and me.

"At a loss for words I see. Blinded by her beauty?" She looked at me like the trick question wasn't rhetorical.

"Sorry," I muttered, trying to escape.

Jill was smart enough to realize she was the butt of the question and should be embarrassed, yet she was dumb enough not to realize it wasn't actually an insult. So naturally she succumbed, spitting fire as only she could. "What are we even learning this for? This is so dumb and boring. We're never going to use this in everyday life."

Sighing, Mrs. D put down her pointer and sat down on the edge of her desk. She looked tired. "What would you like me to teach you? Makeup tricks? How to perfectly execute a football play? Preparing you kids for everyday life is impossible. Life isn't linear repetition and monotony."

"Lawrence Henderson and Karl Hasselbalch didn't live for 'everyday'. They wanted to find something to further our existence. Do you think Einstein and Galileo and Newton found 'everyday' interesting? Probably not. You know who did love 'everyday life'? The nobodies. The people who sat on gold bought with the blood of people and supported by the status quo. They only taught fear and conformity. To me, they're boring. Boring and weak."

To be honest I didn't now what she was talking about. The people in power were definitely not boring. They got to tell everyone what to do. They had control. I had no control right now. I had to talk to Noah after class. I didn't care if he was angry or wanted to give me a black eye.

By the time I'd begun paying attention again Mrs. D had resumed her usual aerobic teaching style, but I couldn't focus. Now I just felt tired. I put my head down on the desk.

Donny tapped me as the bell rang, and I looked up, groggily searching for Noah. He was already halfway to the door. I stood up to follow him but as I sped for the door, I accidentally ran straight into Suzie. A book fell to the floor and she apologized but I wasn't attending.

I caught up to him just outside the classroom.

"Hey," I tried gently.

"Hey," he returned blankly.

"Uh, what are you doing? Got time?"

"Sure." His eyes were impossible to read. We ducked into the hallway next to Mrs. D's classroom.

I began ripping off the Band-Aid. "Um. I'm really sorry about last night I didn—"

"Don't worry about it. It's fine." He turned to go, but I grabbed his elbow.

"Are you sure? Like I still want to be roommates and friends..."

"Yeah. Same."

"Okay."

Awkward silence.

"But are you sure?"

"Yes, Ryan, Jesus. Lay off. You sound like a girl after this shit happens. It was just a bj." He playfully punched my shoulder and turned to leave. He said it like he was joking but I wasn't sure.

And that was when I saw her. Lynette, one of Jill's spies had just pulled her head back from around the corner. How much had she heard? She was going to tell fucking Jill and probably throw in that I was making out with Sherry right after class. Great.

I turned and marched out of Marilyn, back to the dorm room, dodging anyone who tried to talk to me. There was our door, decorated with football pep bullshit from last Friday. Turning the key I pushed the door open and let it slam behind me. I was safe since Noah had classes until 2. My next one was in an hour. I tore off my clothes and slept on my bed for the first time in 29 hours..

My penis was fighting with my underwear when I was pulled roughly back to reality for the second time that day. It was rock hard and sore. My swollen balls sent lightning bolts up my stomach when I rolled around. Pulling the sheets back I looked between my legs and audibly groaned. I was in Noah's favorite pair of boxer briefs. Large red-and-black stripes cut from hip to hip and around my sizeable thighs. The fabric pattern stretched out where it normally contained Noah's package, but now lay slack against the base of my throbbing shaft. A small wet circle of precum darkened the fabric that covered the tip of my penis. I pulled down the waistband to free my member and the pain subsided.

Of course you picked Noah's underwear when you got dressed. The forest had awakened with me. You little nasty perv. He knows you took them. He wanted them this morning and couldn't find them and knew you took them because he knows you're a little bitch fag.

I shook off the horrible voice, glanced at the clock, and sure enough I was already late. Stuffing my body back into clothes I raced off toward English class with Mr. Fendleman. We were supposed to have finished reading Paradise Lost by now.

The rest of the day was the normal pulling of teeth that usually makes me look forward to the rigor of football practice. This time, though, when 3 pm rolled around I was dreading the locker room.

I should have prepared myself for the sight of the blonde jock, naked.. The familiar stench of over-ripe football pants and pads hit me first, as I cracked the door. People were yelling over the sound of Chub's hip-hop. Everyone always had that kind of nervous energy before practice. The lockers were shaped in an angular U with lockers along the walls on both sides. In the middle were a few old couches and benches. When I rounded the first corner, I saw Noah, who was talking to Q. They both glanced at me; Q muttered something and then turned to continue getting dressed. Noah averted his eyes from mine and turned away too. He was pulling up his jockstrap when I reached my locker: the one right across from his.

"Hey," I tried.

"Hey," he grumbled.

I pulled off my pants, hoping he wouldn't notice the familiar boxers. The light hit the fabric of his favorite pair; his eyes glanced at them and then looked away. If Noah was upset about it I couldn't tell. He'd turned back to finish dressing, and then moved to sit on one of the couches and wait for practice to start. I put on my jock, pants, and cleats. My pads could wait until we were on the field. Rather than hang out in the locker room, I took off toward the field ... where Jill lay in wait.

"Lynette told me," Jill squeaked, barely able to contain her happiness. The school's de facto chancellor, in a snakeskin miniskirt. As I approached, her arms crossed over her chest, her hips cocked to one side,. I avoided her eyes, concentrating on her attire. Her father had picked up the particularly striking choice of outerwear during a trip to Louisiana. Its shiny green scales drew eyes from all directions. I had observed people asking her how the shed snakeskin had retained its color so well, and I watched as she then took pleasure in telling them the skin was taken from live snakes.

"What?"

"Stop playing dumb, Ryan. You and Noah had sex didn't you?"

"Whoa! What the fuck, Jill? I'm straight, or don't you remember?"

"Lynette said you and Noah were acting like a fighting couple today after Dorkowitz's class. And after that whole Ronnie thing last year, I'm not sure of anything." The right side of her mouth curved up in a mockery of a smile. Maybe Lynnette hadn't mentioned Noah's careless 'bj' remark. Maybe she hadn't heard it. Maybe I didn't have anything to worry about. Maybe Jill just wanted attention like always. I decided she was overdue for having someone refuse her wants.

"Whatever Jill; I have to go to practice. You know it's not true. Go molest someone else's ear." I turned to walk around and past her.

"Well, I believe her, Ryan. And the whole school will believe me too," she paused for dramatic effect, "unless you have proof..."

I had lost. I had to give her what she wanted. Jill was just the kind of person who made good on her threats. I couldn't let shit get worse for Noah; he would think I told her ... and then he definitely would hate me. Fuck.

"Okay, Jill," I sighed, turning back to face the river monster. "What do I gotta do so you don't spread another lie about me?"

Her victory grin was always the most disheartening. "Let's just get back together like we are meant to be and I'll go talk to Lynette about this whole thing. Okay Rye-bread?" The dumb nickname followed by a light peck of lipstick, sealed the deal: we were back together. She turned, gliding away on her heels.

Practice was fine. Noah avoided me. He even volunteered to practice with second-string ... so we wouldn't run into each other during scrimmages.

Dripping from the shower, I walked back to my locker and toweled off. I stuffed Noah's underwear into my backpack; I couldn't wear them anymore. There has to be a way to get over this with him, and that couldn't happen if we didn't re-establish some boundaries. Pulling up my shorts, I hoped my dick wasn't too visible. I finished dressing and headed for home.

I found my girlfriend waiting for me, smoke shooting from her ears.

"You said you didn't have sex with him." She hissed at me as the door shut.

"Jill! Let this go for god's sake."

"NO! Lynette said you guys were talking about a blowjob." Fuck. "Who sucked whose dick, Ryan? And you better tell me or the whole school will be asking if you're a fag!"

"He sucked my dick," I heard myself say. It just slipped out. My heart was racing. I had panicked.

Her mood instantly changed, and her body relaxed. "Oh honey," she came and hugged me. "I'm sooo sorry I got mad. He came onto you, then?"

"Yeah. He kept joking about it so I thought 'why not'." In for a penny...

"God that is disgusting. He's a pervert. Are you okay? He didn't make you did he?"

"Well, I was horny since we hadn't had sex in a while."

"Don't blame this on me, Ryan. It's all his fault. He's the predator."

"No, listen," I tried to back-pedal, "it's not like that. He's cool. He's not gay or anything. We're just guys. Just leave him alone about it."

She looked up and was about to say something when the door opened.

"Oh. Hi Jill," Noah mumbled as his long legs crossed the floor. "So, you guys back together then?"

"Yes, and he's all mine." She was so fucking subtle.

Noah nodded, scanning the room. He grabbed his disc golf bag before looking at me for the first time since entering the room. "I'm going frolfing with Ted." Before I could answer, he was gone.

"God he's so creepy. I hope Ted will be okay."

"Stop, Jill. Seriously, leave him alone, all right?"

She ignored me and moved to grab the jacket she had left in the room a few weeks ago. "Listen. Let's go out. Pick me up at 8 and we'll go to Johnny's." She threw the jacket over her shoulder, winked, and slid toward the door. With one hand on the door as if for an afterthought, she turned her head and said over her shoulder, "No. I'll meet you by your car," and let the door slam behind her.

The weight of what I had just done, threw me. I collapsed onto my bed.

Look at you. Trading in your friend so Jill won't find out you're a flaming fag, huh? You are so low. This will probably get out and he'll hate you forever. Good job, you lying sack of shit. Yeah. Noah will reveal to the whole school it was actually you polishing his nob and they'll believe him, and then Jill will dump you and you'll have nobody. All you'll have is your hand, you miserable cocksucker. I finally bolted up out of bed, grabbed the handheld, and drowned out the voice with Call of Duty.

Seven forty-five rolled around and, grabbing my keys, I walked slowly toward parking lot C. My Mustang was parked in the farthest lot, and because I rarely used it, the farthest corner, so drunk idiots wouldn't be liable to come near it. Lot C didn't have any surveillance and was somewhat hidden in the trees of Eden. I was relieved to see my baby was still pristine. After I climbed in I checked my watch: 8:02. Jill was probably still in transit.