Not Bible Camp Ch. 01

Anyhow, we were supposed to think about what makes us want to have sex with someone, and what happens when we lose control. Counselor Steele asked us to write down either people who made us think of sex (or TV shows, or songs) or, if we could remember it, the most recent times we wondered what it would be like. He said we mustn't lie to ourselves and pretend we don't have certain thoughts, cause that's when they lay eggs in your mind.

Well, I was kind of grossed out at the thought of a man having sex with his daughters. If that's what drinking does, I'll never do it.

I guess I don't think that much about sex. I think about how pretty girls are, and how their bodies are shaped, but I've never imagined what it's like. I think I'm a little afraid to.

And now I feel shy around Counselor Jameson. It seems like I keep noticing how smooth and tan her skin is, and how I can see the shape of her breasts in her t-shirt, and her legs, and I even looked at her butt when she was bent over one time. I've got to talk to Counselor Jeremy tomorrow. I don't feel like I'm gonna get to sleep any time soon, and I can't keep feeling nervous around Counselor Jameson; it's her job to encourage and uplift me, and I need to let her do that.

June 14

This was a long day. I wasn't able to find Counselor Jeremy until after gardening. It turns out there's a lot more garden than I realized. They took me to a section I hadn't even been to yet. Today I was digging soil for planting. They still haven't told me what they intend to plant, but I was worried if I asked I'd seem ignorant. It's a stupid reason not to ask, I know.

Anyway, I wasn't the only one digging. Out of the blue, they assigned Jill to my group, and they told us to work side by side. She'd been doing prep work in the kitchen and nobody's said why they switched her before the week was over, but maybe they're trying to help people make friends.

She asked me at breakfast if I thought everyone here abstained from pre-marital sex. I'd assumed since we were all Christians, that would be the case, but I didn't say it, since according to the Bible no one is righteous, so I just said I hoped that was the case, since that was God's plan. I worry sometimes when I say stuff like that I sound too pious, like I think I'm a better Christian than other people, but Jill doesn't seem to mind it a bit.

She said she hoped so too, but she was worried. She said sin spreads like a rot or a cancer, and it usually keeps its shape. So if you work in a bank, and you have one employee who steals from the company, unless it's stopped at the source, pretty soon everyone will be tempted to dishonest behavior, tellers cheating customers, employees faking time sheets, even the CEO might start embezzling. She said it happened at a bank her daddy worked at, and when he tried to tell people what was going on, they fired him cause they said he was crazy.

By then breakfast was done so we had to continue the conversation later, so I was glad when she showed up at the garden. Morning meditation was on Joseph and Potiphar's wife; we had to think about overcoming temptation and then being accused of the sin anyway.

So anyway I asked her what made her think our fellow campers were indulging in sex, and she said she'd been having sexual thoughts.

I'm so bad I was kind of hoping she'd say they were about me because guys really do love to hear that stuff even if it does complicate things. But no she said she'd had a dream about Counselor Steele who's good-looking and muscular but where she grew up (Mississippi) black and white just didn't mix in that way and she didn't think white people were any better than black people cause we're all equal in God's eyes, but she didn't think it was appropriate for her to have such thoughts and she suspected that someone else's lust was affecting her.

Well, I don't know if I really believe all that now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, but at the time I was thinking about how worked up I've been getting. I specifically mentioned how I have trouble not staring at Counselor Jameson, although I didn't specify just what I was staring at.

Even so, I noticed Jill had stopped looking at me and her face had gotten kind of red, though whether she was embarrassed or mad I'm not sure, but I decided it was best to point out that Counselor Jameson was too old for me and she was supposed to encourage and teach me, so I knew it was inappropriate to think of her like that, but I think Jill still was kind of upset, cause she said she was glad I realized it was foolish of me, and I had to stop myself from saying I'm not foolish for noticing a beautiful woman. Luckily I'm not THAT stupid.

But it at least maybe means she likes me a little, although if she's on guard against sexual thoughts, I hope it doesn't make her decide she can't feel that way about any guy ever.

So it seemed a little awkward and so I said at least Counselor Steele would be flattered if he knew she thought about him, but Counselor Jameson would probably just get annoyed or maybe even find it funny, and I think that cooled her down a little, cause she even apologized for saying I was foolish, which I thought was nice of her, but I remember somewhere Jesus says it's a sin to call someone a fool, so maybe she remembered that and was a little worried, even though I wasn't that upset, at least not by the time she apologized.

But I guess if she was trying to make me jealous or I was trying to make her jealous -- well, I don't know if that worked, exactly, but it made her stick in my mind, although if you tell a guy you're having sexual thoughts, well, that'll capture his intention pretty good all on it's own.

Well, it was actually a relief once work time ended cause that sun sure had me working up a sweat, and not just me. Another little rule they put into play here is no perfume, deodorant or anti-perspirant, so you could tell both of us had put in a good day's effort. I guess the only female I ever smelled sweat on before was my mom from when she was working on her own garden and my grandma count of she got the flu one year when she was visiting and her fever got pretty high. But I never did notice Mom smelling like anything and fever sweat's got its own kind of smell.

I've heard alcohol and cigarettes will make a lady smell just like they do a man but none of it's like a real working sweat. Once again I'm not stupid so I know you don't even mention a woman's sweat especially not if it smells but there was something about Jill's that didn't rub me the wrong way.

She's one of those girls that don't use makeup so her face didn't look any different maybe just a bit glowy and her hair was kind of damp and one strand kept flopping across her eyebrow, so I couldn't look directly into one of her eyes, which sounds weird cause who looks into just one eye, but every so often she'd be looking at me sideways and I'd try to meet her glance and if the strand was in the way I wanted to move it out of the way, but that would have put us kind of close together, and I'm not sure what'll happen if I get that close.

So anyway I was able to find Counselor Jeremy and talk with him when we were supposed to be having rest time. And I told him I was starting to get real horny, which kind of surprised me, cause it's not a word I use much, especially to older Christians who are supposed to help my faith, and I don't even know why that word means what it means, except maybe if you want sex too much you grow horns like the devil, which I know isn't really true, but things don't have to be true to make sense, at least not all the time.

But anyway he didn't seem offended, which was good, but then he told me he wasn't the one to be talking to about this, which seems less good. Turns out I have to talk to Counselor Jameson about how I feel, which is when I brought up how I was told (and he was there, so he knows) not to be pressing Counselor Jameson with unwanted attention and making her uncomfortable.

So he reminds me that whatever feelings I'm sharing with her are going to be ones she's asking me to share and as long as I don't view this as an opportunity to hit on her I'm just helping her to help me. So I thought about just giving up and maybe giving in tonight when I think everyone else is asleep and being real quiet but I figured now that Counselor Jeremy knows maybe he figures he has to tell Counselor Jameson so I just told her I needed to talk with her one-on-one once we were done with the group part of recreation.

Turns out I need to work on dialogue, so she's gonna find some material to help me improve that, plus next week we'll be looking at films so we can see the right way and the wrong way to do all kinds of things, but in the meantime I just need to practice writing down conversations I remember, and see if I can remember the way people actually speak, even with, "You know" and "like," all that other stuff people usually don't write down.

So, when we talk one-on-one with the counselors there's these buildings we go into, they're pretty small which makes sense when you go in them cause they're just like one room. It's a good-sized room like the size of my friend Brian's den (actually it's his parents, but he was the one who used it, when friends came over) and it's even laid out like a den, with a couple of easy chairs and a couch. Also a cabinet that looked like it might have a TV and a stereo in it, but it was closed and we aren't supposed to be using entertainment devices unless it's to help with our recreational projects and then it's at the counselors' discretion, which I've already heard some of the other campers grumbling about.

But like Counselor Spears said during orientation, we have our whole lives to watch TV, and if we want music we're more than welcome to pick up an instrument and play anything we want. It can even be secular music, we just have to watch we aren't singing anything offensive to our fellow campers. Like Paul says, don't offend your weaker brother and cause him to stumble.

So every time I had a one-on-one with Counselor Jeremy he'd grab us some fold-out chairs and we just talked face-to-face. But Counselor Jameson didn't do that. She sat us both down on the couch and asked me to say exactly what was troubling me, and I guess I felt I needed to think about what to say and maybe I started looking at my shoes, and that's when she asked if I was nervous.

And of course I was and I kind of nodded 'Yes' and she asked if there was anything she could do that could help and I said really talking to her was Counselor Jeremy's idea and it was tough enough talking to him and then we were both quiet for a bit.

And then she said, kind of sad, "I guess I'm not as approachable as Counselor Jeremy."

And I said, kind of blurted it out, "He's not pretty enough to be scary!"

She giggled at that, but then said, kind of sad again: "Sometimes I'd rather be plain, then people would talk to me, like I'm a real person."

Well, I was surprised to hear that, and I looked at her, and I swear she was about to cry, so I said, "Please don't cry over something I said. I couldn't stand it. Even if you were the plainest person in the world, I'd hate to make you cry. You're the nicest, best person I know."

She smiled a little at that, and said, "Thanks," but then her face got serious. She said, I know you're being nice, and you seem really honest, but just remember you've only known me a few days, and I've been your mentor, and I've tried my best, but a mentor isn't the same as a friend. I like you, but being nice to you is also my job."

I said, "Well, then, you're real good at your job," and that really made her smile.

That's when she said, kind of coaxing, "Can you tell me what's wrong now?" and for once, I felt like I could.

Well, I may have blushed a bit when I told her I usually masturbated at least every other night so now I was having trouble getting to sleep, but she just nodded and didn't laugh a bit.

Then she said, and she sounded a little shy all of a sudden, "I miss it, too."

And somehow that made me a LOT less nervous so I told her how it was affecting me during the day, how I kept wanting to stare at her but also Jill, and she actually smiled. Now, if I'd thought for a second she was laughing at me, Id've probably run away right then and I don't know if there's anything she could have said that would leave me able to look her in the face ever again, but instead she just looked, I don't know, happy.

Then she said she felt like we both made a breakthrough but especially me, cause usually when a guy tells her she's beautiful, or even when he admits to staring at her, it's all part of a game he's playing, and he's hoping she's the prize, and she can tell I don't like to trick girls, and she hopes I don't let girls take advantage of that, cause letting a girl use you as a sounding board when she's letting every other guy take a piece is just rotten, and I didn't deserve that, and then she kind of blushed.

It seemed like maybe she said more than she meant to even though she didn't say anything wrong, although I guess I was a bit surprised she mentioned girls that let guys take a piece, when I'm used to hearing people say "has a bad reputation," But I do remember Mom once said, All it takes to get a bad reputation is one liar and three gossips, so maybe it's better to say things straight out.

But anyway, she seemed to pull herself together, even though her face was still kind of red, cause then she turned to me and said, "We're going to talk a little more about how you've been feeling these last few days. I'm going to give you something that will help you sleep, which should help you be a lot more relaxed, but I think it's important you be able to talk about your feelings completely, without feeling you have to hide anything. This is so you can completely own your desires, not be ruled by them. Do you understand?"

I said, "I'm not sure I do, but I really want to do this right, so I'll tell you whatever you want me to."

She smiled, real encouraging, and said, "First, you said you couldn't resist looking at me. What parts of me did you look at?"

Feeling shy, I started with the easy ones. "Well, you've got really pretty eyes. But if I look into someone's eyes too long, I get nervous. It seems so bold somehow. So I just steal glances."

She nodded her head. "Chris, I think you were shy when you were a kid. Is that right?"

I nodded.

"And a part of you is still shy, isn't it?"

I nodded again.

She smiled. "Chris, honey, what if I were to ask you to look into my eyes for a good long while; could you?"

I said, "I'll try," and then I did. It took a few seconds to not just stare like a deer caught in headlights and just kind of look into them, and let her look into mine. I wasn't so much focusing on the eyes as I was trying not to look away. I guess it was maybe a minute when she picked up my hand and held it in hers. At some point, it felt like I went into a trance or something, cause I just sort of lost track of everything until she let go again.

"That wasn't so bad, was it, Chris?" This time her smile seemed to be about a secret, I don't know if I was supposed to be in on it or not, but I felt like I wanted to.

"What else do you look at, Chris?"

I still kept it safe. "Your lips. Your mouth. Your smile especially."

She smiled real big at that. "What do you think about when you look at my mouth?"

I shrugged and said, "Mostly I just like the shape of it. I like the way it moves when you talk. And when you smile it makes me want to smile. I guess most smiles do that."

She seemed unsatisfied. "Do you ever think about kissing me, Chris?"

I was embarrassed, mainly because I hadn't. I figure most guys see a girl like her, and that's what they think of right off, what it'd be like to kiss her, but I haven't been thinking that way. I almost feel like I don't have the right to think that way. I mean, if you aren't supposed to look at a girl naked and think about having sex with her, why is it OK if she's clothed and it's kissing?

I'm not saying you can't think about kissing your girlfriend, I'm just not sure it's OK to think about something you'd get into trouble for doing. You could ask permission, but that'd be just plain weird. You might as well just ask to kiss the girl.

So I just said, "I probably will, now you brought it up," and just kind of waited to see how she'd respond. I almost expected her to be a little mad, the way Jill was when we talked, after I mentioned looking at Counselor Jameson.

But she wasn't mad at all, and she said kissing is referred to in the Bible as a good thing, and it's a way for Christians to show affection to each other.

Then she asked, "May I kiss you?"

I didn't know what to say so she said (and this made me embarrassed a little) that she could tell by the way I answered her last question that I hadn't kissed many girls, and it never hurts to kiss someone who has nothing but good feelings for you and you them especially when it's in private and I'm doing such a good job being open to my feelings, not repressing them but still being a perfect gentleman. I never knew women had so many reasons to kiss you.

But like I said before I'm not stupid and I said sure even though part of me worried about anyone else finding out about this. It didn't seem wrong or shameful; it just felt like something only the two of us should ever know about.

So she told me to keep my mouth closed although not pinched shut just so our lips met naturally, and then she leaned over and put her lips on mine, and it was real nice, but right away I started to get a reaction, and I guess when I pulled away she saw something in my face so she said, "What's happening, Chris?"

I don't know why it is maybe it all comes from the Tree of Good and Evil but once you get hard you could be the coolest person on the planet and you get embarrassed again. I couldn't say, but I guess she knew all about it because she just said, "Chris, you know your body's just doing what's natural, right?"

All I could say is, "Well, I guess."

"Chris, honey, it's natural for your body to respond and it's even natural to get embarrassed about it. But you still need to know it's not a bad thing."

I felt silly arguing with her, but I felt like I needed to say it. "But that's so husbands can sleep with their wives! If I get hard for every pretty thing I see, how can I be sure I'll be faithful?"

She shook her head. I could see she was feeling pity now, and part of me hated it, but part of me would have let her hold me and soothe me, and just the comfort would have been enough. But the prideful part of me didn't want the pity. Luckily, she kept talking.

"Chris, you said yourself how much you missed masturbation. Are those erections bad?"

"No. But that's different. That's just to make sure the equipment still works. Like when you go off in a dream."

She nodded. I think she was surprised. Like even though she liked my story ideas she didn't think I was that smart. I guess by arguing I wasn't letting her be a good mentor, or at least I was making it tougher than it had to be, but I wasn't just embarrassed, I was embarrassed about being embarrassed, and part of me felt she was just trying to argue it away, like maybe I could have reasoned my way out of it if I'd just thought on it the right way, which is how pride usually gets me, now that I think on that.

But she wasn't giving up. "Chris, do you know what would happen if you could only get aroused by one woman?"

"I never thought on it that much, but as long as she was the woman I made my wife --"

She didn't let me finish. "Chris, God's given every person free will, woman and man. What if she turned away from God, or never accepted Jesus in her heart? What if she just plain decided she didn't want to be your wife? Do you really think the world God made is that small, that there would only be one person for you?