NOT Korean Historical Drama XXX

Although I appreciate the weather in Thailand, I was somehow enticed up to Seoul by a Korean network exec of a rather obscure television network, a Mr. Lee (not his real name [and of course this is completely fictional anyways]). He wanted me to make some interesting historical dramas with sexual themes. A recent Korean supreme court ruling had paved the way to showing more sex on television, and his company wanted to take the lead with some tasteful but erotic period pieces. He explained to me that anything contemporary and sensitive has to be dramatized in the context of a historical drama or it would seem too radical.

He had seen my masterpiece parody/parody masterpiece NOT Waiting For Godot XXX, and thought very highly of it, or at least of Sylvia's performance. In fact, he seemed to talk of nothing but Sylvia's performance, but I assumed he liked the movie too.

He would put us (Sylvia and me) up in his guesthouse villa in the foothills overlooking Seoul while we made a 90 part epic historical pornomentary with a cast of about a hundred. Historical sites would be leased, and numerous costumes and props would be made. It was easily the biggest project I had ever led. He asked me to prepare a script, and I spent the next several weeks while arrangements were being made writing what I thought, in my humble opinion, was a very fine piece of porno-historical-epic mockudramady.

Working Title: NOT Korean Historical Television Drama XXX

***

We had arrived in Seoul and settled in. The first night there, us "guys" meaning Mr. Lee, two of his junior execs, and me, found ourselves in a Karaoke Bar in a private room, each of us flanked by two gaudily attractive women who tittered at our every word, drinking beer and soju around a large u-shaped table.

Mr. Lee was talking about his favorite topic: Sylvia. "She has *really* big ..." a kind of glottal hissing sound to emphasize "really" and "big" emanating from his mouth, and then he made a kind of hand pantomime of boobs on his own chest, and smiled satisfied that he had conveyed both his meaning and his appreciation of my assistant's bosoms. He was beaming broadly at me. The girls behaved as if he had said something amazingly clever.

"It's a good thing after all that it's just us guys here," I thought. "Yes, she certainly does," I agreeably bantered to him.

"Korean women..really small..really small..." he paused, "you understand?" He asked hopefully.

I looked around to see if the Korean women present were taking offense at being called small-chested, but actually one of them was nodding.

"But you have excellent customs here," I replied.

"Customs?" he asked, and one of his junior execs translated it into Korean.

"yes, we have customs." he said proudly. I was beginning to like this Mr. Lee more and more.

"Like sitting around in a Karaoke Room, with two girls for every guy." I said with an impish grin. The exec translated again.

"Right...it very good custom...very good." It seemed like Mr. Lee could not have been prouder of his country at that moment.

Then I got up, and loaded the song "Surf city" (with Korean subtitles) and sang it to raucous approval and applause: "...two girls for every boy..." It was probably horribly out of tune, but in our drunken testosterone fueled guy-fest, I thought it sounded pretty good.

After more clowning around we piled into his limo and the chauffeur took us up to the guest house. Sylvia came out to meet us. Mr. Lee asked me, "so..if it ok...I take Sylvia...my secretary?"

"You want Sylvia to be your secretary?" I asked, a bit surprised.

"Yes. That's right."

One of the junior execs butted in at this point and explained, "we'd take Sylvia, but you'd get Mr. Lee's daughter to replace her. It's a pretty good deal."

I looked at Sylvia. She was all smiles. We were both on the same page.

I smiled at Mr. Lee. I definitely needed Sylvia on the inside to get this project pushed through.

I extended my hand to him and he shook it. "Deal" I said. Mr. Lee couldn't have been happier. He went up and shook Sylvia's hand like he had just had a baby. "You my secretary now." He told her, and smiled at all of us, and then back at her. "That's right, Sir." Sylvia said.

"Oh she a very good secretary." again with glottal emphasis on "very" and "good" and we all had to laugh.

***

The deal was that Mr. Lee's daughter would be my assistant or rather my collaborator. Mr. Lee assured me that his daughter was educated at the best university in America, and would help me with the translation, which seemed like a very good thing given I knew almost no Korean. Still, I began to miss Sylvia even before she had left.

That changed though when Mr. Lee's daughter walked into my temporary office down the hall from Mr. Lee's in downtown Seoul. Mr. Lee's daughter was immeasurably more beautiful than, by way of comparison, someone like Sung Hi Lee. She walked and moved with amazing poise and had long flowing perfectly combed silken hair. Everything about her was perfectly tasteful and charming. In fact, one look at Ms. Lee and I immediately forgot about losing Sylvia (I hope that Sylvia isn't reading this, and if she is, that she understands.)

"I am very pleased to meet you." She said demurely, extending her hand and allowing me to shake it, but without firmly grasping mine.

"Have you seen any of my movies?" I asked.

"I haven't. I am not a true porn fan, I'm afraid." She replied, her hand still being held.

"This will be interesting", I thought. "Oh, well, I don't make porn." I said somewhat immodestly, "I make parodies of existentialist theater that happen to have pornographic images as a selling point."

She looked up at me and smiled. "How interesting."

I smiled back at her. "Won't you please sit down."

She sat in a chair in front of my desk. She was wearing a fairly fluffy white angora sweater with a plunging v-neck, a pig-skin miniskirt and a matching pair of shoes that all served to accentuate her beautiful long thin legs.

As I'm sure you can tell, she made quite an impression and had thereby taken the upper hand before things had even gotten started.

She caught me admiring her legs.

"It's O.K., I'm immune to women." I said jovially.

She arched her eyebrow.

"Oh really!" she said drawing out the word "really."

"Oh yes. I'm up to date with my cootie shots."

Ms. Lee laughed. In fact, there was a little snort too.

"Your what!?" she said laughing.

"You know." I winked at her.

I knew then that it would be a pleasure to work with her.

***

Later in the day we were editing my script, or rather she was editing it, sitting side by side in managers chairs at a conference table, whilst I inhaled the intoxicating perfume wafting delicately off of her skin (what was that scent?)

"Well first of all, we can't use the word 'gangbang' in any kind of Korean drama." She informed me.

"Why not?"

"It will instantly turn everyone off. No one in this country wants to even think about gangbangs."

"It would turn you off?"

"Oh yes." she said confidently, and then added "I am a one man woman."

"So the idea of 2 or 3 gorgeous guys to pleasure you at the same time, does nothing for you?"

"Nothing." She said trying to sound sure.

"Two guys licking your nipples while another kisses you...nothing?"

"Nope."

"Sucking one delicious beefcake of a man, while another *gorgeous* *hunk* *fucks* your *tight*, *wet* *pussy*...?"

Suddenly she leaned back with a lustful look in her eyes, her face a bit slack and her legs wide open facing me, so that I saw the whites of her panties. She was looking me in the eyes. I knew that this was my moment, perhaps to pounce, but all I could think was "Goodness, that was incredibly easy!", and beamed inwardly at my accomplishment.

A moment later and the moment was gone. She regained most of her composure.

"So umm where were we?" She said with a bit of huskiness to her voice. Then she cleared her throat a little bit. "Right, gangbangs."

"Gangbangs" I said lasciviously and teasingly looking right at her and smiling.

"You...you!" she said. She shook her head. She was at a loss. The gangbang theme was in. At least with her. I would have to convince scores of conservative network execs and their advertisers of that too, but hopefully Sylvia is helping me with this as I write.

One thing was sure, we would need to soft-pedal the gangbang theme.

***

By the end of the day, we had hammered out this first bit of script (in Korean). I give you the fansub:

Fansub for NOT Historical Asian Television Drama XXX

Fansub by Mr. Dong and KoreaT&A-team

Guard1: Bring the Royal Pussy!

Guard2: Bring the Royal Pussy!

King: Royal Pussy.

Royal Pussy: Your majesty!

King: Royal Pussy, would you like some tea?

Royal Pussy: Yes, your majesty.

King: Please bring tea for the Royal Pussy.

Lady in Waiting: Yes, your majesty.

King: This is tea from High in the Himalayas. It is good for pussy lubrication.

Royal Pussy: Your majesty!

King: The Royal Pussy should be lubricated.

Royal Pussy: Yes, your majesty.

King: There have been reports of lack of lubrication from the office of the inspector about the office of the Royal Pussy. Have I heard correctly?

Royal Pussy: Yes your majesty. Our girls are having trouble becoming lubricated.

King: Then perhaps this tea will help.

Royal Pussy: Yes, your majesty. We will try it.

King: What is it Royal Pussy?

Royal Pussy: I feel it is working, your majesty.

King: Royal Pussy, I would like to feel it to make sure.

Royal Pussy: Please your majesty.

****

Chief Advisor Wu: The lack of lubrication in the office of the Royal Pussy worries me greatly.

Confucian Advisor Dong: It is without precedent. No king has ever experienced a lack of lubrication in the office of the Royal Pussy.

Chief Advisor Wu: The tea works only sometimes and only for a short time.

Confucian Advisor Paik: I know of a very talented painter who paints very lubricious scenes.

Wu: I have heard of him.

Paik: Perhaps if he painted scenes for the Royal Pussy to enjoy, the pussies in the Office of the Royal Pussy would lubricate again.

Dong: But what of our morality? What of our centuries of sexual repression?

Wu: Yes, we must consider this. We cannot use this painter's pictures on the Royal Pussy. Think of the consequences for the people's morals.

Paik: You are correct Honorable Teacher, we must think of some other plan.

***

At the assembly of the King's Ministers and Advisors.

Wu: Your majesty, it has been 2 weeks and no royal pussy has lubricated. We are facing a crisis, such that our nation has never seen before.

King: I along with all the male members of the palace am very troubled by this development.

Messenger: Sire, we have just received a report that the Wu soldiers are gangbanging and breeding our common women!

All: This is an outrage.

Messenger: Our women are getting pregnant with Wu babies!

King: Tell me. How is this possible?

Messenger: They are giving a special herb to our women which makes them uncontrollably lusty. They are helpless to resist the advances of any man.

Wu: Have the Wu men no shame!?

Dong: Soon our entire country will be overrun by Wu children!

King: Chief Advisor, have you heard of this herb?

Wu: Yes, your majesty. It is written about in the ancient books. It can only be found on the sacred Mt. Dung in the Kingdom of Mu.

***

That evening at the palace. King's chambers.

King: I have a plan. I must leave the palace at once.

Wu: Your majesty. You cannot. It is too dangerous.

King: What? What is the danger, Chief Advisor?

Wu: The women...they can't control themselves your majesty.

King: I am not afraid of lust-crazed common women, Chief Advisor.

Wu: Yes, but you cannot mate with a commoner. It goes against our Deity Spirits your majesty.

King: I know that Chief Advisor. Prepare the Royal Horses.

*****

Royal Pussy: Your Royal Highness.

Queen: Royal Pussy, is it true that the King is leaving the palace to try to save our common women from the Wu men?

Royal Pussy: I have heard the same as your Royal Highness.

Queen: Then we must stop him at once. He must not be allowed to be among the lust-crazed common women.

Royal Pussy: Yes your Royal Highness.

Queen: Please ask the Royal Concubines for assistance.

Royal Pussy: Right away your Royal Highness. I will take my leave now.

*****

King: Have I heard you correctly, first Royal Concubine?

Concubine: That is correct majesty. I will go myself to steal the aphrodisiac herb away from the Wu men.

King: I cannot let you go. What would happen if the first Royal Concubine was gangbanged?

Concubine: I will make this sacrifice so that our nation can survive your majesty.

King: I cannot allow it. The Wu men have members that are too big for your and your lady attendants' tight pussies.

Concubine: But your majesty!

King: It is impossible. It is my responsibility to protect the women of the Kingdom, not yours Royal Concubine. I will go myself.

Concubine: Your majesty!

***

We celebrated the first day at work at a very strange underground titty bar in a very colorful section of Seoul, and even Sylvia and Ms. Lee came.

"This is the chic place in the underground music scene now." Ms. Lee informed me.

Everything was pink, the paint on the furniture was pink, the lights were pink, the drinks were pink and the girls running the place wore pink vinyl stiletto laceups, pink wigs, and a pink vinyl strapless teddy that gave one an excellent overview of their breasts without exactly letting them all hang out.

Loud music was playing. One of the junior execs said to me "We thought you would feel at home here. It's a kind of porno-chic bar."

"Yes," I yelled back to him although he was right next to me, "thanks!"