tagHumor & SatireNotes of a Fastidious Woman

Notes of a Fastidious Woman


The following notes are written in blue ink on pale blue letter paper, in a round and careful hand.

I will keep notes because I must keep a watch on my feelings. I am proud of being morally fastidious but will have to sail in dangerous waters.

The situation. Found out husband was seeing another woman. His excuse, that I am not 'good in bed'. I said he must leave. I am 39, he 43 with hair very receding but good physique for age & I fear I will not get a better & we could make it work. Will not judge them because 'look for the beam in your own eye' i.e. perhaps I bear part of blame, though not deliberate, but through complacency.

Must do something about bed problem, but what?

I spoke to Cynthia about my problems. Cynthia is 50+ divorcee in nearest village, two ex-husbands if I have got it right.

Cynthia says, it does sound as though I have not been giving husband what men like. She is respectable but does seem to know about it, I think because 2 husbands and she admits did have quite a few boyfriends when younger. I said, we did it whenever he wanted, except of course 'headache' each month.

She says, 'whenever' is not everything, 'whatever' is just as important.

I asked her what she meant. She said (laugh), 'You wouldn't give him fish fingers for supper every night, would you?' (Her exact words.) Men like it different ways, she said. And in fact husband had said things, but they did not sound right for a person like me & I did not want to talk about them e.g. me get on top. I told her this, she laughed again and said, 'Oh, much worse things than that.' She said, you can find videos on line. I said, could I use her broad band? (Our house too remote for broad band.)

She said, 'On second thoughts, scrub that, because on line videos mainly fantasy, not the most practical.'

I did not know what she meant.

She said, 'Practice makes perfect. If you do get back into bed with hubby, best if you can, as they say, "blow his socks off" right from the get-go.'

I still did not see what she was driving at. She became blunt: 'Get a lover. Someone to give you a crash course.' I said, that would make me as bad as him. She: 'Not at all. Marriage is important, bedrock of society etc.'

'Save it at all costs?'

'Exactly. Not wrong if no other way. I know a man might show you the ropes.'

She is acquainted with a youngish man called Gilbert. She will throw a Tea & invite him &, 'We'll play it by ear.'


Gilbert pounced on the last meringue, put it on his plate, then scanned the room for the slim and graceful form of his friend Laura. To his surprise, her voice, with its pleasant rural burr, sounded from right beside him.

'I knew you'd turn up eventually,' she said quietly, reaching for the second-to-last slice of Victoria sponge with a pair of solid silver antique cake-tongs. 'I knew Cynthia would tell you my husband's away.'

'You're the main reason I'm here, but not the only one. I've just had a remarkable conversation.'

'Oh yes? Who with?'

'Someone in this room.'

'Well, obviously.'

'Cynthia thought I could help her.'

'I see. We need to go where we won't be overheard.' She added in a louder voice, 'Gilbert, have you seen Cynthia's delphiniums? They've really got the wow factor. Why don't we go in the garden for a minute?'

'I'm really not sure...'

'Come on.' Lowering her voice again she said, 'Look, have you got the hots for me or not?'

'Yes, but...'

'So come into the garden.' They exited the room through the French windows.

In the garden, Gilbert was disappointed to find that the delphiniums were in full view of the other tea-party guests. 'You got my hopes up. I feel cheated. And you're showing an awful lot of skin, too. I thought it might be for my benefit.'

'It is. I wouldn't want to be showing off my creamy-white collarbones for the delight of all those old-biddies-of-both-sexes in there, would I? I needed a new party dress so I thought I'd get one to torment you. Listen, I may be jumping to conclusions, but I'm guessing Cynthia's tried to set you up with someone.' She scrutinised his face. 'You seem incredibly uncomfortable.'

'Because people keep giving us sidelong glances through the French windows.'

'Don't be silly, why should they - oh my sodden washing! Jean Nagus just looked me up and down with a nasty gleam in her eye.'

'You see, women keep leading me into the garden. First Cynthia led me, with - this other woman - out here, and now you. This is what I tried to tell you. I knew people would be intrigued. I'm already conspicuous because I'm the youngest male here by at least a decade. They'll start coming up with theories. They'll think I'm a slut.'

'You are a slut, Gilbert. A certified male amateur slut, from all I've heard about you.'

'So what do we do now?'

'Tough it out. It's you, me and the delphiniums against the wagging tongues of rural England. So who is it?'

'Cynthia's friend-in-need? I won't add to her burden by giving her away. Let's just say it's a very unlikely person.'

'Not Elaine!'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Sad old bleating ewe. I doubt the greatest screw in the world would cheer her up.'

'I'm not saying who it is. But I will say that I probably won't do it.'

'I don't blame you. Poor old Elaine! The rest of her tribe vanished into a nursing home about 1970. Still, it might do her some good, I suppose.'

'Who said it was Elaine? By the way, did you have a good Valentine's Day?'

Laura laughed. 'I know perfectly well you sent it. And I guessed what it was before I even opened the box. Cheeky devil.'

'Cynthia told me you'd be on your own. I thought you needed comforting. Was the size up to your requirements?'

'Big enough to turn me on. No way will it go... where it's supposed to go, but I love having it around. Crude, me. So why can't you decide about this mystery woman?'

'There are pros and cons. Apparently she just wants to find out what us filthy, disgusting, perverted normal people enjoy. She seems to have no concept of doing it to satisfy her own desires. The problem is, for me, half the point is giving the woman what she's lusting for and getting excited by her pleasure, leading to complete satisfaction all round.'

'Is this a sales pitch?'

'Yes. Then there's the fact that - Cynthia's friend - is somehow not nearly as attractive as she looks, if you see what I mean.'

'This is all cons so far. What about the pros?'


She laughed, rather ruefully. 'That is a big pro, I do agree.' Then she added, 'But it has to be with the right person, and I don't see Elaine being right for anyone.'

'The bizarre thing is, the person is so much the wrong person, the more I think about her the more I'm tempted. It's the surrealism of her propositioning me that makes it so intriguing. Her face is set in a permanent denial that she possesses anything so shameful as a vagina, yet after one minutes' acquaintance she solemnly requests I perform sexual "variations" on her.'

'It is Elaine! I once told that joke about the vicar's wife and the prize cucumber, in her company I mean, and for twenty minutes after she was too shocked to speak. Bugger-the-ducks, as the farmer's wives say round here, but I'd love to know what would happen.'

'Exactly. Not that I'm saying that's who it is.'

'Do it. Who knows? I might get naughty with you if you tell me all about it.'

'You might. I'm not falling for it, Laura. I need a rock-bottom guarantee.'

Laura giggled. 'A guarantee to let you rock my bottom.'

'Exactly. But we've feasted our eyes on the delphiniums long enough. You'll get all the suspicion of an affair without the pleasure if we don't go back in.'


Notes after the Tea

Gilbert good-looking, tallish, full head of hair, not greatest physique, but all beside the point of course. Cynthia said beforehand, 'Pretty lady like you, curves in all the right places etc., in with a chance.' While other guests were chatting, Cynthia took him & me into the garden (lovely, she has help) supposed to 'point out oldest part of house' but in fact she let him & me go on down to the summerhouse. We sat in garden chairs (good wooden ones).

So awkward.

Me: 'I have been told I'm not a good lover.' He put on a surprised look but I saw this was Tact. I explained my situation, then said, 'So I have decided to tempt a man such as yourself with my body.'

This probably not a good choice of words. He asked, 'Such as myself?'

'A man who has explored sexual variations and perversions. Everyone knows there are such people.' I did not say, 'Though it would be better if there weren't,' but I thought it. He did not look drawn to me. (I thought afterwards that perhaps my face had given away my thought.) To make things clear I explained, 'And wants to repeat them.' Again, I think I didn't look disgusted but of course without a mirror can not be sure. I said, 'I have no desire for a romantic entanglement.' (To not put him off, because he is certainly 'not the marrying kind'!)

He: 'I'll seriously consider it. I may get back to you.' I.e. No.

We went back to the house, Cynthia popped out of the shrubbery looking cheerful, 'All fixed up?'

After, I said to Cynthia, 'Perhaps he is not promiscuous enough.'

'I've been told he likes to help.' She was thoughtful, then she asked me, 'Did I relax? Or was I solemn? Make him think you're a fun person.' Etc. Exactly what I could not do. She said, if I had seemed really keen, he might have been more keen. And I said perhaps clothes too modest, though she said, 'Maybe, and the 1950s church-committee look might not be the most enticing, but tarty would put him off, he has taste.'

Perhaps I should have taken off my glasses?

She can't think of anyone else to try. 'I've lost touch with all my old boyfriends.' All! How many? But I must go through with this even if it means being friendly with people who are not morally fastidious. It is not very nice to have to force yourself to offer your body to a man against all your instincts - and then to find yourself not desired after all, even by a lustful person!

Though I have lost my faith I have always been grateful for a Salvation Army upbringing but obviously there are situations it does not prepare you for.

Note: even respectable people sometimes show a tiny bit of cleavage these days at a Tea.

However, Cynthia will speak to him again.

Note about First Wednesday

His flat is much cleaner than I feared. He said, 'Coffee?' etc. but I was firm and said, No, I have not been to London often and planned to find time to see some sights afterwards. (I did not explain I do not wish to get friendly with his sort of person.) I noticed it was warm in his flat, and he said it was so we wouldn't need bedclothes, and all at once I was hit by nerves.

Bed with normal white sheet & pillowcases. Sun through curtains, somehow calming. We had just got in the room when he said perhaps we should start by discussing what I would like to do. But I positively do not want this to be for my pleasure. I said, 'No. Just use my person for your own enjoyment, however you want.'

As requested by him when we spoke on the phone, I was wearing what I wore at the tea-party, but no lipstick. Navy-blue receptionist suit with cream blouse, flesh-colour tights, and black flat shoes. I would have undressed with back to him but he said to face him, and keep glasses on for now. He reclined on bed to watch, saying I should try to get used to being looked at naked. At bra & pants he said to take my time with bra - 'More tantalising.' Then to let him see my chest and not be shy. He said I looked attractive. (Meaning they did, I could tell.)

Then my pants. Told me, turn round. I bent down to take off pants and obviously he was ogling my bottom. I lost my balance slightly when getting leg-hole past foot and stumbled sideways, and tried to keep my behind-crack closed & he said, 'No, don't clench. Let the man see everything.' Then, 'You have a sexy bottom.' In fact I tend to put on weight on all my lower half but I suppose a lustful man does not notice such things. He suggested I wiggle my bottom at him while bending, which I did. I turned to face him. He: 'Stand still a moment.' Looked me up & down and smiled & said, 'Elaine, you're gorgeous,' which did make me less awkward.

Then I lay on the bed & he got up and undressed, which I could not bear to watch, because of nerves & sense of sinfulness.

Though obviously not a moral person, he is not inconsiderate because he said, 'Let's start things off gently this week.' Did not kiss me but lay beside me, nibbled my ear, and cupped and felt one breast & then touched nipple & played with it & then, licking etc. on other one meanwhile. It was difficult because there was pleasure which I should not enjoy, but I just had to endure it. And what increased my feeling of wrongness, his hard male part was pressed against me, near my hip. He said to relax as not sexy if tense. (Did manage to.)

After a time he said he likes to look at women's parts so I said Yes and opened up my legs enough. When he was close he said, 'So beautiful,' as if he really meant it, which I simply can not understand. He was excited by the sight which was obvious from the state of his male part which I glimpsed. Then he put his finger inside me and stimulated me inside, and then played outside on the very sensitive place.

But that was not the most difficult thing. Next he said many men would like it if watching while I played with myself. I thought I should do as I was told, and put my hand among my private hair, but could not make myself touch there. He said to just relax my hand and trust him, and he put my hand how he liked and moved it, and said to go on doing it. He had his face quite close down there and drank up the sight with his eyes, though that part of me had grown moist and must have looked even less nice than usual.

The touching made pleasure I could not ignore & began to breathe hard. I remembered to feel relieved when after a little while he said, 'My Penis needs attention now,' & I could stop. He lay beside me, but head & shoulders on two pillows to watch. Was nervous as I thought I would do it all wrong, but he was considerate and took my hand. He put it down on the part of him where he wanted so I held round the middle part and squeezed and felt it, until he got me to rub my hand up and down instead. To start with it was a little squashy, though enlarged, but almost at once I felt it get almost like wood, and this was a shock, I should have expected but somehow did not & I could not help taking my hand away. But he firmly put my hand back, near the top this time, and I went on moving my hand. Of course he liked this.

This was only the beginning. He got me to kneel by him, and he took off my glasses. (I am short-sighted.) He said to get my face near where I had been rubbing him. I put my face where he still looked slightly blurry to me, but he put his hand on the back of my head and encouraged me nearer, so in fact I saw very plainly all details, colour of skin, shape etc. Beforehand I had told myself to put aside disgust and modesty, and I did succeed enough to do as I was told. He told me he enjoyed my looking at it.

Then, I had to take his Testicles in my hand. He explained to hold them fairly gently & how to move them for his pleasure. He just lay back and breathed for a while. I looked at his face to see if I was doing it right and he had his eyes half-closed watching almost in a trance.

The next thing was to touch the end part of his maleness. He explained the shaft part is not so sensitive and mainly makes pleasure by moving the Foreskin of the top part over the Glans. Also there is the Frenulum. He told me to pull back the Foreskin and touch the Glans, but best if my fingers were wet as his is so sensitive. I licked them and ran two fingers all over it (it is smooth and round), and he said it was wonderful & was panting. There was one awkward thing, my fingers got less moist & he said to wet them again, but I did not want to lick them because of where they had been, so I dribbled some spit straight on him, which I did not like having to do, being a fastidious person. He, not being fastidious, did not mind. Then it was his Frenulum I had to touch, which is a small but most intense part. He next got me to move his Foreskin quite energetically. All this time I was doing his Testicles the way that he liked.

I must do all these things; but also, though shocking, they did have fascination, because it was almost a sort of magic, the way I could rouse that part like a living animal and send him as if into a trance.

I could tell I was exciting him more and more but it still seemed very sudden when his male fluid started spurting out. It took me by surprise, I stopped moving my hand. He had to take my hand to move it until he was satisfied. The most difficult thing was seeing the spurting, which I felt was not something a person ought to see but at the same time I should rejoice in causing it, because this is all a skill I should have at my disposal.

It seemed all the more shocking because it spurted right up his chest, which I would not have imagined.

I apologised for stopping, but he said, 'You wanked me very well.' Then he asked me to get tissues from by the bed and wipe up the fluid on his front, as, if he moved it might drip off onto sheets (so he is not actually squalid). I was not keen, but all I could think of to say was, there seemed to be a lot of it. He: 'Why do you keep looking at it?' This puzzled him. I explained I kept being amazed by having made it appear as if by magic but this didn't mean I thought it was nice. 'Please try not to be repelled,' he said. 'Look, give me your hand again.' He compelled me to dip my fingers in a puddle of the fluid in the middle of his chest. He got me to rub it between my fingers. (It was slippery.) Then he encouraged me to smell it. I thought it might smell bad but it does not. He insisted it is not unhealthy or dirty, because it is not a waste product. In fact then I did manage to wipe it up.

He said thanks, and, 'The bathroom is on the right if you want to wash your hands now,' which I did.

When we were dressing he brought up some other points. He explained about Pre-Seminal fluid, also not all men have a Foreskin (which comes in the Bible, of course). And, 'Remember, they have a mind of their own,' meaning, a man's stiffness, climax etc. cannot be commanded to perform (or sometimes, not perform). Also mentioned that stockings more sexy than tights and also, for next week (there are to be four Wednesdays) when I shave my legs I should not forget to do the very tops of my thighs, where my private hair spreads to a little bit (which I believe is perfectly normal), and I could trim 'bush' as not all men like a big one.

When I was just about to leave he said, 'Homework, I nearly forgot.' He told me 'play with your Clitoris' for 5 minutes every day. I could not think of anything to say to this.

In terms of doing the moral thing I must not start to look forward to Wednesdays. There will sometimes be pleasure but it is only physical and I must keep it at arm's length. I think I am about all right so far.

I will ask Cynthia what she thinks about the 'homework'.

Note about Second Wednesday etc.

Cynthia: 'Most definitely you must do your homework.' To make me more comfortable about the things that happen in bed. 'Just relax after lights-out and do it. What possible harm can it do?' Cynthia is much-feared and sought-after as a bridge player, but could she mean she has done it herself?

So, did do it, and was anxious the 1st night although had washed everything carefully, and was troubled by thoughts that came welling up while doing it, but washed after also and felt better straight away. Set the 5 mins. with kitchen timer. (Tues. evg. baked scones, & found ticking of timer now has associations. Will buy more up-to-date silent timer.)

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