Off The Wall

relationship!

BOB stands and approaches STEPHANIE. STEPHANIE stands and pulls back to
avoid contact with BOB. She walks to

37.

the kitchen, turns toward BOB.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)

I'll fix us some supper. Would you make us another drink?

BOB adds ice cubes to the pitcher of Margaritas in addition to the
tequila and mix. He fills two glasses and delivers one glass to STEPHANIE.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)

Thanks. To your health! So, how's your health? You seem to be fit.

BOB

I had a checkup two weeks ago. Doctor says that I could live to be a
hundred. I could use a new heart but, who couldn't? I did have poor
eyesight but two years ago, my eyes felt as though they were expanding.
And I checked and my eyesight went from 20/200 to 20/20!

STEPHANIE

That's a phenomenon!

BOB

And that would be John Travolta.

STEPHANIE

Tell me about your kids. Are they all smart like their daddy?

BOB

Yes, they all have high IQ's. They all have kids. They are all
competitive and independent. And they are all tall. Are you asking me as
a sperm donor candidate?

STEPHANIE

Is my face red? My mind has been wandering since last week. You didn't
wear any protection and I wasn't prepared either.

BOB

Are you saying that your multiple 'O's coincided with your monthly 'O' time?

38.

STEPHANIE

Something like that... The date was exactly time for dropping an ova.
Makes life interesting, eh?

BOB

I propose that I prop...

STEPHANIE

No! I'm not going to marry you! No matter what.

BOB

The sex was great! Best I've ever had! And you told me that you loved me.

STEPHANIE

Sure... You made me say that just when I was cumming!

BOB

OK, let me understand this... You finally met a man that makes you cum
and cum and makes you happy. A man that makes your body hum! And makes
you see green waterfalls when you cum.

STEPHANIE

Blue.

BOB

OK, blue! And you are shutting him down? Why? And don't tell me that I'm
too old!

STEPHANIE

You're old enough to be my father! And you're going to die before me and
leave me all alone... except for a baby. Maybe.

BOB

Smells like dinner is ready.

STEPHANIE

I'll get it. You can get us refills.

BOB

Sure thing.

39.

STEPHANIE

Think of it as a delicious cheese dip.

STEPHANIE brings the food and sets it on the end table between them. BOB
samples the cheese dip with a chip.

BOB

Mmm-mmm - so good!

STEPHANIE and BOB eat while deep in thought.

BOB (CONT'D)

I think I understand your qualms about us in a romantic relationship or
any co-dependent structure. So what would you say to a non-romantic,
convenience oriented one on one. For instance, you and I become partners
in a company like a "Facebook Application" company. You would be in
charge of administration, release schedules, testing and advertising. I
would program and twice a week, Wednesdays and Saturdays we have sex and
supper.

STEPHANIE

You must have been thinking about this a lot! And what happens if we
have a baby?

BOB

That would be fantastic. The baby should be raised in this house and I
will babysit Monday through Friday so you can continue to sell stuff.
And then when we have two babies, mmm mmm!

STEPHANIE

Are you sure this arrangement is OK? It seems logical but seems so cut
and dried!

BOB

No strings! No demands! No jealousy! No hurt feelings! By the way, did
you know that your eyes go from blue to green when you get sad?

40.

STEPHANIE

So, what's next? I need more information to set up a corporation.
Especially, statement of purpose and goals.

Bob shifts his demeanor to seduction.

BOB

I think you should come out to my house next week and you and Jan and I
can complete the LLC papers.

Bob kisses Stephanie's ear lobe.

STEPHANIE

There's something I've got to take care of: That is my mother wants me
to clear up my problem with my former boyfriend.

BOB

And I've got to resolve my squabble with my son, Ashley, or he will bird
dog us forever.

BOB stands as if to leave.

BOB (CONT'D)

Thank you for dinner. It was delicious! Now I have a big question for
you. This is Monday... Not Wednesday. I would like to spend the whole
evening with you but it's your decision.

STEPHANIE

I say I've been looking forward to a pleasurable evening. We'll discuss
Wednesday tomorrow.

Stephanie rises and walks toward the hallway and Bob follows.
FADE OUT.

41.

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Bob and Stephanie are in a spoon position in bed. Stephanie smiles in
her sleep. Stephanie's eyes pop open and she scowls. She grits her teeth
and elbows Bob.

BOB

Ugh!

STEPHANIE

Go on! Get out of here! You son of a bitch! Why do you make me feel so
good and then trick me into sex? Yes, I know that I was begging for it
but you should know by now that I don't mean it! I just wanted a massage...

Bob swings his legs out of bed and stands. He looks at Stephanie with a
bewildered look. Then he dresses and leaves. Stephanie starts crying. A
car is heard leaving. Stephanie reaches for the telephone and dials.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)

Mother! What's the matter with me? This time I threw Bob out! Could you
come over Saturday night? Please?

FADE OUT.

INT. - RUSTIC DEN - MORNING

Bob is chatting with Jan.

BOB

Jan. Has Stephanie called since last Monday? It's been a week...

JAN (O.C.)

No, Big Daddy.

BOB

Watch it, Jan.

JAN (O.C.)

Excuse me but I've detected Stephanie's GPS and iPad moving in our
direction. They should be here in twenty minutes.

42.

BOB

Just enough time for cheese omelets and Mimosas.

JAN (O.C.)

Bob. Stephanie is calling.

Good morning, Stephanie. I would let you speak with Bob but he's busy
making you breakfast. It looks as if you will be here in about eleven
minutes.

STEPHANIE (O.C.)

Have you been talking with Einstein? Or Gypsy? That's so nerdy! Tell
your boss that I am getting ready to file for an LLC.

JAN (O.C.)

Last January, Bob filed for an LLC but the only owner was himself.

STEPHANIE (O.C.)

That's great! I'll be there in a minute.

JAN (O.C.)

Bob says to come right in. He's expecting you.

BOB

I expected to have to apologize all over the place... I must have missed
something.

JAN

Einstein and I took care of that. I'm very good at apologizing for you.
I get a lot of practice. Just saying.

Stephanie parks her car and is heard walking on the porch, opening the
front door and entering into the hallway.

BOB

Hello, we're in the kitchen. It's so good to see you. Here's a Mimosa.
Cheers.

They click glasses.

43.

STEPHANIE

Cheers back at you. Thank you for the flowers and the fuzzy kitten.

JAN (O.C.)

It was the least Big Daddy could do given the circumstances.

STEPHANIE

So you call your boss, "Big Daddy" now? That's clever, Jan! Especially
since Bob could be my father...

JAN (O.C.)

Please explain.

STEPHANIE

First: Bob is old enough to be my father. Second: He had sex with a girl
in Arkansas about the same time that I was conceived. Third: He went by
the nick name of "The Handyman". My Mother remembers that plus Bob
seduced me with slow hands and low whispers just like my Mother remembers.

JAN (O.C.)

Did Bob seduce you?

STEPHANIE

Did he ever! Plus he guaranteed positive results.

BOB

Come on, girls. I'm out numbered. All that is coincidental!

STEPHANIE

By the way, Bob. Mother would like to meet you. I thought that we could
drive up Sunday.

BOB

Sure. Maybe we could clear up this "father" business.

STEPHANIE

May I have some more Mimosa, please?

BOB

Sure.

44.

STEPHANIE

I've prepared the LLC papers. They are modifications to your existing
filings so as soon as we sign up the new owners and validate the
procedures and structure, we're good to go! Who did you see as owners?

BOB

I had in mind that you and your Compound crew would have major roles.
And I was wondering if your mother would like to play a part. You can be
the president and I'll be chief technical officer. We'll need an
accountant I'm suggesting Sandra, a release manager - how about Georgia,
and customer service, that could be Dee Dee and a documentation manager
-- Since Margo is our "guardian" she could be our document keeper.

STEPHANIE

Slow down, I don't take dictation.

JAN (O.C.)

I've recorded the positions and made the necessary changes to the document.

STEPHANIE

You are so organized, Jan. Let me fill my glass...Do you need a refill,
Bob? And Jan, could you play some music? Something soft and cuddly.

BOB

Who's seducing whom?

Stephanie leads Bob to the master bedroom. The door closes.
FADE OUT.

45.

INT. - CAR - MORNING.

Stephanie is driving. Bob is in passenger side. Both are smiling.

STEPHANIE

That was good sex, mister. I'm getting to really enjoy your love making.
To think that I was going to cross it off my list just three weeks ago.
I think I'm falling in love with you.

BOB

We're getting very good at the sex part. For two first borns, it's
difficult to deal with letting go - to give up control to each other.
Like the words in Creep - "I don't care if it hurts - I want to have
control - I want a perfect body - I want a perfect soul..." Afterwards,
I think "how fitting!"

STEPHANIE

I thought that you were going to say that the song was me: "She's
running out the door"

BOB

Funny.

STEPHANIE

I want to know how you do what you do. I stopped listening after the
first few minutes...

BOB

Sure. Well, we get relaxed with a couple of drinks. Then I spread some
scented oil on your neck. Then the massaging for fifteen minutes which
causes your nervous system to generate exotic feelings.

STEPHANIE

That explanation is so clinical that anybody that follows your technique
makes you think you are in love while in fact it's just a bunch of
chemical reactions! You're a fraud!

(MORE)
46.

What's love got to do with it?

BOB

Love is a mental bonding between two people for the betterment of both
so as to provide a basis for procreation.

STEPHANIE

You're kidding!

Stephanie and Bob ride in silence for a minute.

BOB

So, why does your mother want to check me out?

STEPHANIE

I think she still has feelings for the guy that knocked her up. If you
are the one, she probably has some things to say. And probably lots of
questions. If you aren't him, she's going to need some tenderness from
you and assurance that you are not going to disappear. That her daughter
is going to be OK.

BOB

Oh, I'll be right here for you and your mother. Did you bring the DNA
test kits?

STEPHANIE

Yes, three kits in the glove compartment plus a double EPT.

BOB

Twins?

STEPHANIE

Don't you wish. But, my grandmother was a twin and your mother was a
twin. Odds are that I'll have twins. That is if you did the deed. I
thought that I'd wait until we figured out what the deal was with you
and my mother.

BOB

OK. My nickname "Handyman" was very common back in the sixties.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D) (MORE)
47.

Every teenage Casanova used it. There was a song by that name written by
Otis Blackwell. He was driving from Nashville to Memphis and was
listening to the only station that he could pick up - KOMA, the voice of
Oklahoma City. Their gimmick was to play the love tone at midnight and
that would mend your broken heart. Anyway Otis cut a record and KOMA
played it as advertising. You remember the verse "komma, komma, komma"?

STEPHANIE

Oh, yeah. "We fix broken hearts"...I remember that.

Stephanie and Bob are quiet for a while.

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)

When did you...

BOB

Right from the start. Listen, Stephanie, I want you for now and forever.
You are my inspiration. Every time I hear Thom Yorke sing "You're just
like an angel" I think of you. Just let me love you...

FADE OUT.

BOB (CONT'D)
48.

INT. - FARMHOUSE KITCHEN - MIDDAY

Stephanie and Bob have arrived at Margo's kitchen.

MARGO

Hello, come on in. You must be Bob. I'm Stephanie's mother. Would you
like some tea?

BOB

Thank you, I'd love some. I can see where Stephanie gets her looks.

STEPHANIE

Mother, I hate to say this but Bob and I may have a problem... A BIG
problem.

MARGO

Bigger than my problem?

STEPHANIE

If you excuse me for a couple of minutes, I'll go check.

Stephanie leaves the kitchen.

MARGO

So Bob, is this a compatibility problem? Or a moral problem?

BOB

Both, I guess. Stephanie is checking to see if she's pregnant. Whether
or not she's pregnant, I want to marry her but, she wants you to help
her decide. Her last liaison was a disaster which is what you foresaw.
She's going to do what you say this time.

MARGO

How do you feel about me interfering?

BOB

I welcome your input.

MARGO

You understand that I'm not going to approve you two getting married
until I am satisfied that you are not her father.

49.

BOB

It's highly unlikely but we will wait until the facts of the matter are
known. The only conflict in the timing is that if Stephanie is pregnant,
she would like to marry before she shows. And it may take DNA tests six
weeks or longer.

MARGO

I'm sure, if this is true love, you can wait.

BOB

Do you mean that we should wait to have sex?

MARGO

It's the least you can do, morally. I just don't want my daughter hurt!

BOB

OK. OK.

Bob scrunches down shaking his head.

BOB (CONT'D)

Well, I'll still be there for Stephanie and the baby.

Margo and Bob sip tea and wait for Stephanie to come back.
FADE OUT.

EXT. -COMPOUND'S DECK- AFTERNOON

Sandra, Georgia and Dee Dee are lounging on the deck.

DEE DEE

So, Stephanie refuses to marry Bob unless he clears up the identity of
her father. And Margo says no more sex until Stephie's father is actual,
factual not Bob. The DNA tests are going to take four or five weeks. So
tell me the story again.

50.

SANDRA

If it's true, this is what happened: Margo, Stephanie's mother, who has
never told a lie, went to a county dance about October 24, 1964 and met
a suave teenage male. Margo was a virgin and had intercourse once which
resulted in a pregnancy. Margo's mother came to the dance and fetched
Margo and took her home before the "Handyman" could tell her his name.
The only name that Margo can remember is "Handyman". Margo can remember
that he was born in South Dakota and traveled from Oklahoma through
Arkansas to Kansas with the thrashing crews in 1964.

GEORGIA

Not much to go on.

DEE DEE

I think I remember a story that matches those facts. It was in a
Harlequin romance a couple of years ago. Maybe I still have the
paperback at home. Anybody want to help look for it?

GEORGIA

I'll come with you.

SANDRA

That will take too long. I'm going to find a better way...

Sandra reaches for her cell phone and calls Bob.

SANDRA (CONT'D)

Hi, Jan. May I speak to Bob. This is Sandra, Stephanie's friend.

Twenty seconds pass while BOB comes to the phone.

SANDRA (CONT'D)

Bob. You know all about Facebook. Is there a way to broadcast a message
to everyone that signs in? Here's what I'd like to do-- Dee Dee thinks
that there is a paperback out there that describes Margo's "adventure"
to a tee.

(MORE)
51.

Maybe the author or friend of the author was the "Handyman". If we could
ask everyone to check their libraries, maybe we could find Stephanie's
father and you could get married. I know it's a long shot but even if I
don't think you deserve Stephie, if she wants you, I'd like to make it
possible. (beat) Thanks.

FADE OUT.

SANDRA (CONT'D)
52.

FADE IN:
EXT. -COMPOUND'S DECK- AFTERNOON

A week later. Stephanie, Sandra, Georgia and Dee Dee are lounging on the
deck.

SANDRA

Any word on the DNA tests?

STEPHANIE

Sandy, it's only been a week.

DEE DEE

Georgia and I couldn't find the paperback that I remembered. Oh well,
we tried.

Tom appears at the top of the stairs.

TOM

Hello. May I join you? (plaintively) Stephanie?

Stephanie looks up at TOM and scowls.

STEPHANIE

OK. But no arguing! We're chilling out.

TOM descends the stairs to the dock. Eases a chair so he can face
STEPHANIE. TOM sits and leans forward.

TOM

Grapevine has it that you are getting married.

STEPHANIE

That's correct. Do you want your engagement ring back?

STEPHANIE takes TOM's ring from her finger.

TOM

I didn't come for the ring. I just wanted to wish you well.

STEPHANIE

Thank you.

The conversation is emotionally charged and stilted.

TOM

Who's the lucky man?

(MORE)
53.

Someone that you work with?

STEPHANIE

His name is Robert Taylor and you can find out all about him on Facebook.

EINSTEIN (O.C.)

There are links to Robert Taylor and the wedding plans on STEPHANIE's
profile.

TOM

(Surprised) What was that? Did that come from your iPhone?

STEPHANIE

Bob is a genius... He added some high tech applications to my phone.

TOM

What does he do?

STEPHANIE

He's a programmer. He designs apps. He and I have started a software
company.

TOM

Well good. I guess I'm not needed here. Have a good life, Stephie.

Tom rises, climbs the stairs to the house and leaves.

SANDRA

He sure sounded down. When was the last time you talked to him?

STEPHANIE

Let's see. Last year at his parents twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I
got on with his parents better than him. He brought a date: a real live
Barbie doll.

DEE DEE

Did you ever get a divorce?

STEPHANIE

We never got married! We were engaged for-ever...

TOM (CONT'D) (MORE)
54.

But never set a date, never got married.

DEE DEE

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be bringing up all the hurts.

STEPHANIE

Oh, that's OK. I'm over him, well, almost completely. And Bob will treat
me right when we're married.

DEE DEE

What went wrong?

STEPHANIE

I don't really know for sure. Tom reverted to his insecure self. Stopped
talking to me. Stayed in his office more and more. Became the total
introvert. My guess is that I was too controlling. And he was very naive
when it came to sex. So, when I turned forty, and my sex drive went into
high gear, I must have intimidated him.

DEE DEE

I hear that! My recourse was to read romance novels and dream about
unabashed sex! Speaking about sex, where's Bob been?

STEPHANIE

Mother says we're to lay off the Kama Sutra until the DNA results come
back. So, he's taking cold showers and cleaning up the dog pens and his
chickens.

DEE DEE

And you don't feel like jumping in the sack with the baby on it's way.

GEORGIA

How did your mother take it?

STEPHANIE

She's ecstatic! She wants to move down here so she can babysit all the
time. She calls all the time with suggestions like: you probably should
stop smoking...

STEPHANIE (CONT'D) (MORE)
55.

You probably should stop drinking tequila... And get plenty of sleep!
What a mother!

SANDRA

Not to change the subject but, I filed the LLC papers yesterday so we're
in business. I've started setting up the books. Bob suggested that we
have a business meeting here tomorrow at ten o'clock. He wants to make
sure that we're all in sync. Plus, he wants to present our first
application's design. He needs our input.

STEPHANIE

That's really neat! Did he say anything else?

SANDRA

Well I gather that he misses you. I told him to take another shower.

FADE OUT:

STEPHANIE (CONT'D)
56.

FADE IN:

INT. - SUN ROOM - NEXT MORNING

The group of four women plus MARGO are drinking coffee and snacking on
donuts while waiting for BOB. A car is heard approaching and stopping in
the driveway indicating that BOB has arrived. BOB enters the house.