On BDSM

On BDSM

The dumbest quote I have heard in a long time:

"I only got into BDSM so I could get laid."

I am relatively new to the BDSM community. I have only been a Domme for around two years and serious for around a year now. I have only been accepting submissives to my fold for around six months. I am a member on different BDSM communities and websites. I have been and I am still researching the community and different styles and so forth. While I am far from the most well versed, I do have a certain idea as to how things should run. I also have the idea that the Domme should call all the shots and the sub, while letting me know what he can and cannot do, should respect said shots.

The first rule of BDSM should be communication. In an ideal situation, I would find a sub, spend some time talking to him and getting to know him (or her) beforehand. I would get to know their kinks, their personality, and their lives a bit so I know where I could go, where I could not go, and where would be a kind of neutral. Through getting to know them I can tailor my games of cat and mouse to fit their lifestyle. I know when they are available and when it would be completely impossible to expect a certian result from them. Part of being a Domme is not only denial and control, but it is also knowing how long a submissive can maintain their control. Your standards should be high, but not so high that they feel they cannot attain the promised "dangling carrot". If you keep them in suspense too long, they are going to lose interest and once that control is lost, it may not be regained. It is important to get to know someone before playing control games. Some people, myself in particular, have very definite boundaries one DOES NOT CROSS.

I have issues with certain phrases and pop culture references that, when made, set me in attack mode. In a common conversation, I will tell said person that it bothers me and expect it to be at least attempted to be remembered. I do understand that people forget. I forget things as well, especially if it is a habit of mine. However, if I were in a Scene and someone said or did a particular thing... I would be on the defensive. My defensive is to strike out at you before you can strike and me and strike hard enough that you wouldn't bounce back easily if at all. I automatically assume that others are this way as well. Should I say or do something that presses a button, I expect them to do the same. Should I take a boundary further than they can or will go... that is a negative experience. This is one venue that you cannot take a bad experience in and go back to doing it soon afterward. I want a D/s relationship to be rewarding for both people. I don't want it to be one sided either way.

If this line had been delivered tongue-in-cheek, I could find it amusing. However, he was completely serious and pissed. He was pissed that I wouldn't drop everything I was doing, pay my way to Columbus AND pay for a hotel room so that he could fuck me in his time frame. As far as I am concerned, it is completely unrealistic to expect a Domme to pay for everything. Part of the sub's role is to please his Mistress. So he could either be patient like a good little boy and wait for me to be comfortable with that OR the cheap motherfucker could pay for me to have a place to stay and pay for the mode of transportation down there. While I do not expect a sub to pay for absolutely everything, they must be patient and wait for me to have the funds to do what was proposed and eat comfortably without taking food from my child's mouth OR offer to pony up the tab. To me, this is absolute common sense. I have responsibilities that take a more pressing concern to me than my leisure activities, namely being able to feed my family and pay my bills.

With the advent of the internet, you can find many people who have interests just like you. It is a vastly liberating experience. Not only can you find out that you are not the only one who has a kink, that you are not a nympho because you masturbate once a day, or find information about everything under the sun, you can also find out that people with too much spare time while living like Norman Bates can write some information that isn't exactly tried and true- or even tried for that matter- or you can find people who prey on those who have not had much experience as a way of controlling them for sexual perversion of the BAD kind. Three years ago I was propositioned by a guy online who seemed really nice and I wanted to meet up with him, talk to him over dinner, that kind of thing. However, something kept nagging at me in the back of my head, so I decided not to meet up with him and keep talking online only for awhile until I figured out what made me nervous.

A week or so later, someone random messaged me telling me that he had tried to rape her when they went back to his place for drinks and she planned on reporting him to the authorities. (Rather she actually did or if she was yanking my chain, I don't know but I would rather be safe than sorry.) There are many many good people out there. The good ones will wait. The bad ones won't. The bad ones are also the ones who will try and make you feel like shit because you didn't conform to their time frame. They try to pressure you into things you aren't comfortable with by not taking no for an answer. They can't seem to understand why you might be uncomfortable or cautious when dealing with people from the internet because there really ARE some crazy fuckers out there. They have to do everything by their timeline or not at all. If you don't, then it is your fault that they are angry and not speaking to them again. (Good riddance!)

The biggest problem that I have with this, honestly, is that he wanted me to fuck him at all. He needs to get a clue and read. He obviously doesn't understand that BDSM is NOT just about fucking and whipping. There are subtle mind games that are played between the people involved. They push, I retreat. They make amends, I keep them at arm's length. They get sullen and withdrawn and I poke at them and call them names. They get over themselves and begin to become human and I throw them another bone. It's as simple as that. It is knowing when to stand your distance, when to get close, and when to toss out another juicy morsel to that starving dog... Keep them on the brink of hunger, wait for them to think their sides are going to cave from hunger... then give them enough to whet their appetites, but not enough to fill them full... keep this going for a couple of weeks or a few months... then give them the full deal. This applies, but is not limited to, actual sex. One of my subs wants to be whipped. I tease him with the whipping until he starts to lose interest, then set up an appointment with him to give him his fix. *shrugs* It is a game of compassion, not about getting LAID.

Of the five subs I currently control, only two of them would I consider having sex with. Most of the people I would like to strip naked and lick, suck and fuck are not subs. I honestly have no interest in fucking subs as it stands, because I want real human beings for that kind of a connection. *shrugs* It is a rare individual who can be both a human being to me AND a sub. As I stated previously... two. And only one of those have I actually had sex with.

I take what my subs want and I dangle it over their heads. I hint at it... tease them... then I will do what they want, but I will make it torture for them. And it is the "I have to have release or I am going to go crazy" kind of torture, not the "I wish I could die so this would just fucking end" kind of torture. I have a sub that wants to see his wife with another woman. He is also curious about anal sex. His wife is absolutely delicious and I would eat her up. Therefore I will tease him with it all day long and then, when I call him into the bedroom, I am going to tie him to a chair so he can't move or touch himself, make sure he has a lovely little vibrator in all the right places, and I would fuck his wife right in front of him and give him no way to get out of it. It would be like a train wreck... he would want to look away, but not be able to. Of course, during said scene, I would make sure to turn on the vibrators at certain key points, just to torture the hell out of him. But I know it is something he would enjoy, just as he would enjoy the suspense and anticipation of the entire ordeal. I will do the same with his curiosity with anal sex. *evil grins* Strap him down and have my way with him via strap-on. But that is neither here nor there.

My point is that people miss the subtleties... they miss the fact that sex is the LEAST important part of BDSM. Bondage is exciting because you can have the person completely at your mercy. They are powerless to stop you from doing whatever evil thing they want to you but, in the same instance, knowing that they will only do things that you like, that there are always safe words, and that they will only push the boundaries that you are comfortable pushing because they KNOW YOU THAT WELL. They are intuitive enough to know when you have more to give or when you have taken too much. It is not about going into a seedy club in a back alley and being sodomized by fucking machines like something out of Eurotrip (unless you ASK for it). It's something far more subtle.

In short, if you got into BDSM just to get laid, get the FUCK out before you get hurt or before someone gets hurt by you because you are not responsible. Every subculture has its own rules that are expected to be followed not only for your safety, but for the safety of those around you. Become knowledgeable about at least some of the ideas and talk to people before you get yourself in over your head in something that you don't understand. To me, this is complete common sense. To most people, however, it is sage advice that they never seem to come up with on their own.