On Open Marriage and Swinging

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My thoughts on open marriage and swinging.
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Part 1 of the 2 part series

Updated 06/08/2023
Created 07/02/2014
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swingerjoe
swingerjoe
1,317 Followers

There has been a lot of interesting discussion in the Feedback section of Literotica over the past week regarding swinging and open marriages, thanks in part to a story posted by the author "milfwife", titled An Open Marriage. Rather than add another lengthy comment to that story, I figured I would pen this essay, so that I can share my thoughts with a wider audience.

My goal here isn't to convince you that swinging is "normal", or that open marriage is superior to traditional marriage. My goal is simply to clear up some popular misconceptions, shine a little light on this topic, and perhaps allow some of the more judgmental Literotica readers to gain an understanding of why so many people are involved in non-monogamous relationships.

I'll address the specific questions and comments I have read on this topic during the past week:

"Swinging is cheating."

My definition of "cheating" is doing something without your spouse's knowledge that you know would hurt him or her emotionally. It doesn't even have to be something sexual in nature. If you are doing something you would not tell your spouse about, you are cheating. Period.

Given that broad definition, it is more than likely that we are all cheaters. Obviously, there are varying degrees of "cheating." If I sneak in a few holes of golf when I'm supposed to be out running errands for the family, that form of cheating is obviously less egregious than if I'm fucking another woman behind my wife's back.

But even by that very broad definition of cheating, swinging and open marriages cannot possibly be considered "cheating" because it is done with the full knowledge, consent and approval of both partners.

"Open marriages are doomed to fail, and often end in divorce."

I see this comment made constantly in the comments section, but always without any empirical evidence to back it up. A few different people made this comment on milfwife's story, and cited anecdotal evidence of people they know who were divorced after being involved in some sort of swapping or sharing situation. This is what is called a "self-selecting sample." If the only swingers you know are the ones you meet in divorce court or at a couple's counseling session, then you're not getting an accurate picture of the much larger "community."

I did a Google search on the topic, and found only one study by Bergstrand and Williams from Bellarmine University, in 2000. They interviewed roughly 1,000 swinging couples, and found that nearly 63% of those couples stated that swinging improved their marriages/relationships, 35% responded that their relationship was neither better nor worse, and only 2% said it had worsened. And while the divorce rate is nearly 50% overall, the divorce rate for swingers was only 5%.

The top three reasons people state for why they are divorced are: lack of communication, infidelity, and conflicting attitudes about money. An open marriage won't solve that third problem, but it will absolutely negate the first two. A couple simply should not (and, for the most part, do not) enter into an open marriage without a considerable amount of communication, and absolute trust in each other. And, of course, infidelity doesn't apply to open marriages, since all of the sexual activity occurs with the full knowledge and consent of both partners.

Once you've eliminated two of the top three reasons to get a divorce, there isn't much left. Some couples will drift apart from each other whether they are monogamous or not.

"People in open marriages show a lack of commitment."

One of the anonymous commenters on milfwife's story stated that it was simply "common sense" that people in an open marriage would suffer a higher divorce rate because "the types of people who agree to have open relationships are often (but not, of course always) those for whom commitment to one person is less important than average."

The confusion displayed in this comment is due to a lack of understanding about the word "commitment." People in open marriages are 100% committed to each other, just like any other couple. In fact, it takes a much stronger commitment to each other to allow for an open marriage. You have to completely trust that your relationship will remain strong no matter what happens, and that you will always be together. Without that level of trust, there can be no open marriage.

Extra-marital sex is just that: sex. Having sex with someone else doesn't magically make you less committed or less in love with your spouse. If someone in an open marriage falls out of love with his or her spouse, then that relationship was doomed, regardless.

"But what if your wife has sex with some other guy and likes it better?"

Oftentimes, what makes sex "better" is variety. You can be the most talented lover in the world, and give your wife multiple orgasms each and every night, but there is one thing you can never give her: something different.

There is something undeniably exciting and arousing about feeling a different set of hands on your body, a different mouth, or a different technique than the one you are used to. And there are some things that spouses simply can't (or won't) do for each other. My wife, for example, has a thing for bald guys, and yet I have a full head of hair. I'm not willing to shave my head, so being with a bald man is an experience that she could never have if we had a traditional marriage.

Maybe you enjoy having anal sex or cumming in a woman's mouth or some other fetish. We all have particular kinks and turn-ons that our spouses simply can't (or won't) fulfill. Open marriages allow partners to have experiences they would never have through a monogamous relationship.

Getting back to the original question, let's say that your wife has sex with someone who is not only different, but is also more sexually talented than you. So what? Do you believe your wife would leave you for no other reason than good/better sex? Is sex the only reason you are together? If so, I would not only recommend against opening your marriage, but I would recommend against staying married!

Again, there is nothing "magical" about sex. If your wife experiences the greatest orgasm of her life with another man, it will not magically make her less attracted to you or love you any less. Sex and love are not the same.

"But what if a guy has a really huge dick, and your wife discovers she only likes really big dicks?"

I like to call this the "Magical Dick Theory." This is another one of those myths that permeate the Literoticasphere. Yes, it is true that there are some women who prefer larger-sized cocks. But you know what? Those women typically marry men with large cocks! And just because a woman enjoys a big cock doesn't mean she can't enjoy a smaller one, too. Most women that I know have claimed that having sex with a big-dicked guy can be painful.

Another widespread myth that I have seen countless times on this site is this notion that when a woman is with a man who has a large dick, her pussy is permanently stretched so that the small- or normal-sized-dicked husband can never enjoy her again. I have a simple response to this notion. Have you ever seen the size of a baby's head? Have you ever been with a woman who has had children? 'Nuff said.

"In a small Midwestern town, you can bet your ass that people in the Bible Belt would definitely frown upon a cuck/hotwife/bull relationship...If you don't think your neighbors are judging you, you're deluding yourself."

The above is an actual quote from a user named "IronDragon." A similar sentiment was posted by the user named "Black_Dragon_Princes", who wrote: "What about the guilt that goes with lying to your friends and family, who you know would disapprove of your lifestyle? Do your parents know that you and your wife are swingers? How would they react if they knew?"

There is a lot my parents don't know about my sex life. You know why? Because it's none of their business! Do you like to take it up the ass on occasion? What kind of sex toys do you own? Do you prefer missionary position or doggie style? Have you ever been tied up in bed? These questions are generally not asked or answered in polite company, and it's neither my parents' nor my friends' nor my neighbors' business what my wife and I do in the privacy of our home.

Of course, this extends beyond mere sexuality. I also wouldn't discuss my political or religious beliefs with most people. And if I'm sitting in a downtown Boston bar, I sure as hell won't reveal to the patrons that I'm a Yankees fan.

Whether or not you are in a monogamous relationship or you routinely host gangbangs for the local rugby team, it is no one's business but yours. By definition, "alternative lifestyles" are alternative for a reason. They are not considered "normal" by mainstream society. That is why, if you practice an alternative lifestyle, you generally conduct yourself in a discreet manner.

As for "shunning" people in open marriages like "lepers" (as another reader put it), this generally doesn't happen, for the simple reason that people in this lifestyle don't advertise it. I can guarantee that every person who is reading this article right now knows someone who practices an alternative lifestyle...and you will never know who they are.

Contrary to the popular perception, swingers don't all wear leisure suits and gold chains. They don't all wear their shirts half-buttoned to display their hairy chests, and their wives don't all dress like hookers when they go grocery shopping. Swingers are your friends and neighbors - maybe even your family. They are doctors, lawyers, dentists, school teachers, accountants and business managers. They are devoutly religious people and atheists, Democrats and Republicans, wealthy and middle class, blue collar and white collar. The one commonality we all seem to have, regardless of our backgrounds, is an enjoyment of good sex.

"But what about diseases?

This is another comment I see constantly on Literotica. Again, there seems to be some magical thinking involved, where if you have sex with someone outside of your marriage, you will automatically get a disease. Of course, it is a risk. So is swimming in the ocean. Life isn't worth living without taking some measure of risk.

Of course, there are ways to minimize risks, and the vast majority of people who engage in swinging and open marriages practice safe sex. Demographically speaking, people who engage in this lifestyle tend to be older, and have been in long-term monogamous relationships. As a result, the rate of STD's in the swinger "community" is lower than the national average.

"But what about jealousy?"

Jealousy is a natural and unavoidable reaction; you simply have to remember that it is an illogical reaction. I've often compared swinging with jumping from an airplane with a parachute. You know that you would most likely be safe, and yet your body still reacts as if you are in grave danger.

This is the reason why many people enjoy roller coasters and other thrill rides and "extreme" sports. That adrenaline rush reminds you that you are alive. It is that rush that people in the lifestyle get when they share their significant other.

"But it's much easier for women to find men to have sex with than it is for men. How is that fair?"

Two different people made the same comment on milfwife's story, and I found it fascinating enough to include here. The user named TornadoTys wrote: "In [an] open marriage arrangement, the wife will always have the advantage of bedding more partners...For the husband to succeed, he needs to [be] in good shape, reasonably handsome, good in bed, and with a decent-sized cock. Otherwise, the wife will win all the time!"

Another reader, "greowulf", wrote: "Women will always have the advantage in consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships...[This] presents a power imbalance in nearly *every* heterosexual CNM relationship. Such a power imbalance is very [unlikely] to lead to a happy and successful relationship."

Notice the words they use: "succeed", "advantage", "win", "power imbalance." An open marriage isn't a contest. There is no "winner" or "loser." And there is nothing "unfair" about one partner having more sex than the other. It is about loving your partner enough to give him/her an experience that you cannot provide. It's about trusting each other enough to allow the freedom to explore new relationships and experiences. It isn't a game, and no one should be keeping score.

"Whether [it is] by social construct or the pheromones involved, it is extremely difficult to separate sex from emotion."

This was a verbatim quote from greowulf, and it is similar to one of the questions I've already addressed above, but I want to make another point on that topic. If you and your spouse are worried that one of you may develop feelings for another person outside of your marriage, there are many steps that you could take to reduce that risk.

For example, some couples have a rule that they are only able to have sex with another person once, twice, or however many times they feel is a comfortable limit. Some couples only have sex with others while vacationing at various "swinger" resorts, which reduces the odds that they will ever see those people again.

Every couple has rules, and every couple's rules are different. As time passes, rules change. Throughout the entire process, both members of the couple remain in constant communication to ensure that they are still comfortable with their arrangement. In the end, some couples even determine that swinging and/or open marriage isn't for them, and they return to monogamy.

"Monogamy doesn't have to be boring. If you have to bring other people in to help 'spice up' your marriage, you're doing something wrong."

I will close with the above quote from IronDragon, as I believe it ties everything together nicely. Open marriage isn't for everyone. In fact, I wouldn't recommend it for most couples. Your marriage must be unusually strong, your relationship must be completely solid, and your trust in each other must be beyond question, and unfortunately, very few marriages fit these criteria. Most importantly, you must possess unusual confidence in your relationship, and a complete absence of insecurity.

No one is suggesting that monogamy is boring. Assuming that your spouse's libido matches yours, there is no limit to the number of ways you can "spice up" a boring sex life. However, by far, the number one issue in nearly every marriage is a disparity in libido between the husband and wife. Ask any married man you know, and if he is an honest man, he will admit that he is not happy with his wife's sexual appetite. It is the number one cause of marital strife among couples - even those who describe themselves as "happily married."

With rare exception, women display the greatest enthusiasm and hunger for spontaneous and passionate sex at the very beginning of a relationship. Over time, that level of enthusiasm inevitably wanes. Studies prove this, although you really shouldn't need a study to conclude such an obvious fact. There are many reasons for this phenomenon: children, stress, housework, finances, changes in body image, etc..

In most cases, there is nothing a husband can do to elevate his wife's libido. Doing extra chores around the house, giving spontaneous back rubs and foot massages, being extra romantic, introducing new sex toys...none of it works. It may work temporarily, but for the husband who longs for a permanent return of the fun and enthusiastic sex kitten he married, he will be severely disappointed to discover that any and all attempts to boost his wife's libido will ultimately fail in the long run.

However, there is one proven, surefire way to boost a woman's libido, regardless of her age, stress level, number of children, dirty dishes, or the number of foot massages she receives. When a husband tells his wife how hot she looks in her new dress, she appreciates hearing that, but in the back of her mind, she dismisses it as something that husbands "have to say to their wives."

But when a total stranger makes the exact same comment - especially if that stranger is a handsome man - the wife's reaction is quite different. Then, she truly feels sexy and desirable and wanted. Ultimately, that feeling results in a boost to her libido. If that simple comment turns into physical contact, that boost is magnified tenfold.

Now, even though the total stranger caused the libido boost, who ultimately benefits from it? That's right: the husband.

Of course, you don't HAVE to bring another person into your marriage to boost your wife's libido. But I would argue that it may be the most effective means of doing so - at least, until a "female Viagra" drug hits the market.

In conclusion, I hope that I have succeeded in shedding a little light on this topic. I am not nearly delusional enough to believe that it will bring an end to all the ignorant and hateful comments that routinely litter the Loving Wives category, but if have succeeded in explaining "the lifestyle" and bringing a little bit of awareness to just one person, then I consider this undertaking to be worthwhile.

swingerjoe
swingerjoe
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AnonymousAnonymous6 months ago

What do you mean there is no evidence open marriage leads to divorce? All you have to do is google the percentage of failed open marriage and it's at a whopping ninety five percent. There are facts you can't dismiss and the amount of failed marriages is tracked. You don't open your marriage if you want to keep her because ultimately one or the other will get attached to someone else. That's what happens when you have sex with people. If your marriage is having issues talking to each other and spending more time together will help. Adding people to your bed will not fix anything.

AnonymousAnonymous7 months ago

Of course the author is going to talk up open marriages and swinging if that is what he and his wife do. If my wife wants sex with someone else tell me and we can get a divorce. You can shove open marriages and swinging up your ass. Anyone who is remotely religious would never do anything like this, and if they do they are delusional.

the_Otter_guythe_Otter_guy8 months ago

Well written and thought out. I would only make one suggestion; you only cited one study. I’m sure with a few good google searches you could find a number of studies to back your claims.

DrgwngDrgwngabout 2 years ago

The author of this makes a bad assumption. He consistently uses examples and statements about open marriage,and the death of marriage, as if both sides were equal. Men are far far weaker and less powerful sexually than women. Hence the rise of cuckolding. These are by definition open marriages, yet the male is reduced demeaned and made less valuable. Open marriage,at the expense of males and society in general. The author makes many valid points about single parents, cost to society of children raised without fathers, and more, but this is,becoming so normal that people do not even think,anything about it. Is anyone asking the question as to why men are so persecuted,that cuckolding is,virtually always a single direction relationship. Female cucks are mythical. What is happening. The stress men naturally feel is causing increased death rates, suicide rates far higher than female, and men dying of all 15 major causes of death far younger and far more than women. I personally cannot wait for the day for my stressed out cuckolded mechanic repairs my brakes, or the cucked and angst air traffic controller is In charge of my incoming flight. How many of these supposedly wonderful open marriages that become one way open would hold up if hubby was questioned under some sodium pentathol? Society is constructed the way it is for a reason. Economics. Look around you,everything you see and use was built by men, cars, trains, internet, buildings , bridges, roads, airplanes, etc. M en are better at some of this stuff, just as women are better at other things.Ready to see it all go south?

kater001kater001over 2 years ago

Extraordinarily good essay, everything you write is totally right. I think the main problem people have with open marriages ist that they do not think promiscuitive. As you wrote well, an open marriage isn't for all folks - by far not. You need at least an approach of promiscuitive thinking to be able to open your marriage successfully.

Thanks a lot for publishing.

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