On the Edge

1_On the edge

"You're fucking disgusting" Linda snarled at me. I blinked repeatedly, trying to fight back the unstoppable tears that welled up.

"Just look at you" she continued. Her eyes flashed with anger and she stepped to the door, jerking it open then turning back to look at me again. For an instance, her eyes held mine, and through my blurred vision I thought I saw a moment of confusion and grief, but then her pupils seemed to go dead and I might have been looking at a shark for all the connection there remained between us. She left the door open behind her and I stood, staring at the bright sunlight outside, everything swimming in a deluge of tears that I could not stop. I almost fell forward, reaching out to shut the door and close myself back into the safety of my home.

I lay on the couch for a long time and stared at my dim reflection in the television screen. Looking back at me, I saw a sad clown faced figure, neither male nor female, but somewhere in between. After a long time, of empty despair, my body finally let me know that it couldn't continue to lie in the darkness anymore and reluctantly, I climbed to my feet and went to the bathroom.

Here I was confronted with my face and I stopped and stared at myself again until the dysphoria grew too strong and I felt the tears returning. Wiping them angrily aside at first, I sat on the toilet and let myself cry.

Eventually, I found the bottle of vodka I had in the kitchen and I took it to bed with me.

The next morning, the pain in my head woke me and I lay for a while trying to pretend it wasn't real. It didn't work. Then my phone rang, loud and insistent, from somewhere in the house. A slave to habit, I rushed to find it but by the time I did, the call had terminated and my head was pounding so bad that I was obliged to sit down and cradle my head in my hands for a while.

The phone rang again. I hadn't even looked at the screen the first time and now I saw Steph's smiling face beaming at me. For a long drawn out moment, I simply stared at her but then I sighed heavily and swiped the call open.

"Where are you?" She asked without any preamble. I tried to answer, but all I managed was a small croaking sound.

"What's that?" she said. "I can't... are you there?"

"Yes" I replied. Even to myself, my voice sounded like that of a stranger.

"It's almost ten" she said. "Where are you?"

I paused in a state of surprise, trying to reconcile reality. I was late for work and I would have to rush to make it by midday. Worse yet, I felt no sense of urgency to get to my job.

"I'm..." I tried to pull myself together. I looked around the room, trying to find something real to hold on to. "I'm sick" I managed weakly.

"You sound it" Steph replied, concern registering in her voice. "What's up with you? Why didn't you call earlier?"

I closed my eyes against the glare of sunlight coming from the windows and rubbed at the crusted remains of my mascara.

"I was still asleep. You woke me up. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like shit."

Steph paused and I imagined her seeing a mental image of me though nothing like my blotched and wasted face, like a raccoon with its shadows and ruined make up.

"Well, do you need anything?" she finally asked. I assured her that I just needed to sleep and although she paused again, her doubt emanating from the phone, she didn't press the point. I quickly said good bye and ended the call before she could interject any further questions that required me to lie to her.

The day passed without any further incident until later in the evening. By then, I'd washed my face, put on new clothes and mechanically eaten some food. I was sitting at my computer when my phone rang again. This time, the screen showed a face I'd not seen in months. Surprised, I opened the call.

"Yo" Torrance said.

"Hey you" I replied with a feeble attempt at levity.

"Where are you?"

"Home" I answered as if to say, where else would I be?

"I'll be there in five" she said and hung up.

What? I felt the blood rush to my face and I glanced about the room in panic. Torrance was coming here? How? I cast my mind back as I began to rush around cleaning up the mess. I couldn't remember her ever having been here before. How did she even know where I lived? I picked up my heels from the floor then stood motionless. Of course - she was Linda's friend. My initial uneasiness immediately began to transform into a deep seated panic. Be calm I told myself. Count to ten or divert your mind. Stop the cascade before it reaches critical!

By the time Torrance was knocking on the door my mind was acting like I had a fever. I opened the door like an adrenaline junkie hurling themselves off a cliff.

Torrance had changed. She had had pink spiky hair the last time I saw her, and now she wore a deep red fringe that fell all the way down to her jaw. In a studded, black leather jacket and skin tight white jeans she looked amazing. Unfortunately I could see she didn't think the same about me but I couldn't blame her.

"Yo" she said again with a big grin. She held up a bottle of vodka and a carton of cream. "Tell me you have Kahlua!"

Of course I did, White Russians are my weakness, but her incongruous manner left me shaking my head in bewilderment. She watched me gaping at her for a second then pushed past me.

"Linda isn't here" I managed to say.

She turned back to look at me. "Oh babe. I know. Why else do you think I'm here?"

I nodded to myself as if this made perfect sense and closed the door.

"It's in the kitchen" I said.

"Nice place" she muttered as she shrugged off her jacket to reveal a sleeveless black tee and mass of silver and leather necklaces. Lisbeth Salander, meet Joan Jett I thought to myself.

Torrance had the magic touch and her White Russians were excellent. I'd drunk two of them whilst listening to her talk about herself before I finally got around to asking her why she was there.

"Linda told Michelle and Michelle told me" she replied. I had no idea who Michelle was.

"Told you what?"

She sipped her drink, staring at me over the rim of the glass. "That you're a fag. A cross dresser."

If only it were that simple I thought to myself as I closed my eyes against the sudden pain of impending tears. I swallowed painfully and Torrance leant forward and put a hand on my arm causing me to flinch. She let go at once, her hand hovering.

"Oh Babe" she muttered gently and at that I broke down and cried.

2_Into the beyond

I'm walking through the techno ambience of the underground. There are lights strobing all around me, breaking the darkness into jerking fragments of reality. Stop motion figures dance to the pulsing, all devouring sea of sound and I am stoned beyond reproach. Godlike in my arrogance, all my tears and cares are forgotten in this chemical rush. I am supremely indifferent to my surroundings. Torrence is currently nowhere to be seen, but it doesn't matter. She has given me a gift of peace and tranquillity, and for tonight at least, I have no cares in the world.

Moving through the crowd with a slow gaze; watching eager hands moving across slick brazen skin, eyes flashing in the darkness and glittering like sparks in the night. The people around me are like vampires, crazed with lust, biting at each other's lips, groping hands darting out to touch. A young man, slender like a boy, with heavy mascara around his fierce eyes and with a shock of ginger red hair, is held between two women as I pass by. His face turns in the staccato light to regard me. The older of the two women, plump, long techno coloured hair, presses her hips against his buttocks, and runs her hands across his thighs. Her greedy pupils watch as the younger woman moves in to kiss the boy's throat. Both women are wearing white boiler suits and black bowler hats. I smile at this happy image. Stanley Kubrick, meet Feyd Rautha.

I watch the boy watching me as I pass by. His lips move but I can't hear what he says. He slips from my mind in a blur of slamming rhythm and I find myself standing at a bar. It is bright orange, lit from within, translucent and glowing like an amber river. My hands are placed on it and I am staring at the pulsing mouth of the woman on the other side. She is speaking to me, leaning forward. Her lips change from ruby red to dark blue and back as the lights strobe crazily about us. I nod slowly, closing my eyes as I do. When I open them again, she is gone and a half drunken glass of neon liquid is standing before me. I drain the remains in one long movement and though I feel it sliding down my throat like freezing quicksilver, I cannot taste it at all. A man beside me is laughing.

I open my eyes again and I am on my back, staring up at the ceiling which is yellow. A figure in a gas mask is standing over me. It leans down with big looming insect eyes and I see myself being lifting off the floor. I turn to look at the dance floor, but there is only a dull blue door. The words EMERGENCY EXIT stencilled across it in flickering yellow. The bug-eyed person begins to dance in a slow sinuous movement that is at odds with the music. I push it away and turn my gaze around towards the lights. Dark figures are silhouetted against a deep pulsing red. I feel some one press themselves against me, a cock rubbing against my ass. A woman in latex appears in front of me. She leans forward to kiss me. Behind her I see Torrance, dancing and smiling, looking over at me. She waves and I smile back at her. I feel safe.

The beat increases in volume as a new track begins. A woman's voice begins to chant in German and my head nods helplessly along with the rhythm. Someone runs fingers through my hair. Someone else is licking my back; I feel the slug like trail of saliva like a cold shiver. I realise I am on my knees. The woman in latex kneels before me and with fascinated eyes presses a finger into my mouth.

The man behind me has pressed himself against my ass again and is gyrating his hips to the music. The woman in latex is watching him above my head. She is speaking to him but the only words I catch in the overpowering music is 'my little slut'.

I am floating in the warm sea of sound. Around me, alien voices chatter and splinter into sparks. The main theme of the music twists and turns, lifting me away from myself to fly in chasms of reverberation. Light flashes above me like a thunder cloud and a hundred small spheres of reflection run in rivulets over my skin.

I open my eyes again and realise I am in a car. The music continues and Torrence is sitting beside me. A hand is busily exploring in my jeans and I sink down into the back seat with lazy indifference. Torrence is speaking but her voice is distant and obscure. She lights a joint and after a few moments, she puts it to my lips.

Another drink is pressed into my hands. It is in a small flat bottle which contains liquid fire. Two women are giggling, one of them pushes me gently out of the room. I am in another room and I have no idea where I am. I don't care either. I look around for Torrence but she is nowhere to be seen. More lights are pulsing and my head is spinning. A grinning African face passes me another burning ember which I happily suck on. My vision blurs and when it clarifies I am sitting in an armchair looking down at a blonde head in my lap. I recognize the face that looks up at me, but I have no idea who she is. She is wearing latex. It is tight over her ass and reflects the lights which have grown dull and flickering. I look around at the room I am in, and see candles. The music remains the same. Loud, repetitive and beguiling. She climbs up my body like some kind of prehistoric animal, her tongue flickering greedily over my lips before forcing its way into my mouth. Instantly I feel my body reacting. Small involuntary movements betray it's lust, as if I am merely a passenger and this woman is invading my host body. Her tongue seems to be like a cock, pushing in and out of my mouth and I hear myself moaning for her.

I am naked. Everything has been removed from my body. I lie, cleanly shaven and fully exposed. The blonde woman in latex has removed my black silken underwear with a flourish, looking around the room with obvious triumph. Another woman looms over me. It is Torrance, looking down into my eyes with a smile. She passes me another burning moment of oblivion and I fall back into dreaming of the surface the sun for a while. The blonde moves down my body, licking and biting at my nipples which tighten instantly. My mind focuses on this sensation which cascades into fields of pulsing green and red. A part of my mind is still functioning but it is very far away. You are looking at the blood vessels on the inside of your eye lids, it tells me.

The blond woman begins to play with my hard little nub. "So sweet..." she says to Torrance who is still kneeling beside me and caressing my hair. Torrence grins and meets my eyes. The music drowns out whatever she says next, but I hear Torrence's reply clearly.

"Do it. She wants it just as much as you do".

The blonde woman begins to masturbate me with one hand whilst her mouth explores my genitalia. I feel a distant explosion beginning somewhere deep, deep inside me. As her tongue passes below my balls, I begin to cry out in pleasure. Waves of sensation are moving up from the depths of my being, and as each wave succeeds the previous, my voice becomes higher pitched and insistent.

"Cum for us little girl" Torrance says.

The blonde woman's tongue reaches my anus and I feel my orgasm begin. My body tightens and I cry out, my voice helplessly feminine. The tiny rational part of my brain notes this soberly but the rest of my mind suddenly explodes as the last wave breaks through whatever barrier it is that holds us back from eternity. I feel myself ejaculating in spurts, each one like an incandescent rocket moving through my entire being. For a brief eternity, everything goes completely white. There is no sound. No time. Nothing but eternal love.

When I come back to myself, I am flat on my belly and someone is pressing a cock into my slippery ass. I am breathing heavily and moaning to myself in pleasure. My head is turned to the left and the grinning African face has returned and is watching me. It comes closer and runs a hand across my cheek. I stare into black and white eyes that glitter in their depths.

I am moved to the edge of the bed then penetrated again. Someone is fucking me so hard that my whole body jerks with the momentum. I close my eyes tight as the feeling of penetration rides up my spine like a golden amber wave. Flickers of light and memory scatter across my eyes. Hands run through my hair again, and a cock rubs against my mouth. My lips part of their own volition and the warm hazy smell of a human being in close proximity to my face overwhelms my senses. I hear voices but the music drowns out any meaning to the words. Only their tone conveys any meaning. The cock in my mouth shudders and floods me with saltiness. I taste myself retching briefly but I am too numb to care about anything except the pounding intrusion in my ass. Semen dribbles from my mouth like an afterthought.

A gaping emptiness is followed by another blessed intrusion and the pleasurable heat returns. The woman in latex reappears before me, squatting down. I realise she has a black shiny cock and I suddenly understand that she has just fucked my ass with it. She leans closer and begins to lick the sperm from my lips. The woman on my back speaks to her and I realise it is Torrance. Torrance is fucking me!

"Lick it all up!" I hear her say and the blonde woman does. She cleans all the cum from my face with her tongue. Behind her, the African face looms from the darkness. The blonde woman's eyes are staring into mine and even in the orange candle light I see them widen as she is penetrated by the cock which moments earlier I had had in my mouth. Her mouth forms a beautiful O shape, right in front of my eyes. I focus on it for a few moments, until Torrance's cock obliterates my thought processes again.

The blonde woman, still in her latex grips my head, twisting it so she can kiss me with savage intensity. We are both being fucked hard and her lips and tongue are continually pressed away from my mouth. As if from a distance, I can hear her voice when she begins to scream her orgasm. A hand reaches from behind and grips her face; two finger tips pressing her lower lip down, gripping her teeth. A wave of confusion passes over me.

I wake up. I am in a bed in a room. Torrance is lying next to me, fast asleep. Her delicate features look like perfection and I look at her in wonder. Who the hell is she? I carefully sit up and look around a room furnished in comfortable dark red furniture. My head is sore, but not as much as I would have expected. There are clothes, bottles and burned out candles littered all around. On a sofa the blonde woman is asleep. Lying beside her is an African mask and I see she is still wearing her black latex strap-on. I know there was a man. I distinctly remember a man cumming in my mouth, but whoever he was, he has gone. As I swing my legs off the bed, I catch sight of a bug-eyed gas mask on the floor. I stand up and catch sight of my reflection in a tall mirror. Half male, half female. I stare at myself for a long time until I see Torrance stirring in her sleep. Outside, the morning light is warm and wonderful. I realise I feel good about myself. I don't know what I am, but I'm starting to realise who I am.