Once a Cuckold Always a Cuckold?

Sometimes I want to bring it up but I think, or at least I hope I have learned my lesson. Me and my first wife, Amy, had been into the whole hot wife and cuckolding lifestyle. It was very exciting to be sure, hearing Amy's moans and screams as she got slammed from behind from some well-endowed black stud were a turn on. There would be those weekends she went out without me coming in late Sunday night. Her hair would be a mess, she'd smell of sweat and sometimes she would be missing her underwear. The fucking we'd have the next day would be ultra-hot.

However, what had happened was she had fallen in love with one of her lovers, for real. In retrospect it was kind of funny, her telling me the truth and me at first not understanding this was not part of the game. We tried to work it out but in the end there came the day that she handed me her apartment key followed by a goodbye kiss and left to go downstairs to his waiting SUV. In a way was this was the ultimate goal of the cuckold relationship realized. I granted her the divorce without causing her any additional pain.

Amy tried to be supportive even arranging some phone sex with me, but eventually I told her I just needed her support; the fantasies just reminded me of my loss.

A year later I started to date and three years after that I met Ruth. Small and dark haired with glasses she had that intellectual look about her, in bed she was a little bit shy, but at times, under the right stimulation she could be quite enthusiastic.

Now here is the problem: once a cuckold always a cuckold. There were times that despite my best intentions I would think things I shouldn't. I would have these images of Ruth cheating on me. Not full fantasies at least at first, just a quick image; then I'd tried to enforce a mental lock down knowing where thoughts like this could lead.

I knew that the more forbidden something was the more of a temptation it would be, so I tried to harness that power. Sometimes when I was fucking her I'd picture her getting it from one, two, three or more studs at the same time while I watched. I was so turned on I'd give it to her extra hard and long, much to her pleasure and surprise.

There are times though I feel like I am going to weaken. "Could I buy her a black dildo and would she play with it?" I'd wonder. "What about if she just told me 'stories' about her and her multiple lovers." Or I would think about how she would react if I told her it would turn me on if she just dressed up real sexy and went to a bar and flirted with guys while I watched from the side. Then I'd look in the draw at the folder with the paperwork from my divorce and I'd turn my mind onto other things.

Once Ruth had asked about what had gone on between me and my first wife, what caused us to split. I had told her that it did not work out between us and that she had met someone else she cared about more. But I knew what she meant. She wanted to know the whole story in detail. Perhaps she wanted to avoid making the same mistakes Amy did. But I am stuck, if I say anything to her it might lead to other things. So I usually brush her off when it comes to what really happened, I still feel like it is my fault.

I even spoke to Amy about my problem, she said even if I did introduce the fantasy part of cuckolding or Ruth being a hot wife into our lives it does not mean that it would end the way it did with us. I asked Amy could she guarantee it wouldn't happen, that Ruth would not get swept up in the lifestyle and eventually away from me. She was silent knowing there are no guarantees in this world.

I thought, irrationally of having an affair with a woman who could be my pretend wife, then I could watch her do all the things I dared not ask Ruth to do. But the expense and complexity of it all scared me off.

That is not to say that Ruth and I don't experiment. I bought her a vibrator, a small one. She said that she had never used one before and that she was kind of afraid of it as she heard that they were addicting. I slowly introduced it into our lovemaking having me use it on her first. Watching her face all scrunched up in sheer pleasure as she came several time was a huge turn on for me. Then eventually I got her to use it on herself while I watched.

We did upgrade to a slightly bigger model and sometimes at night, when I am sleeping I would hear the buzz of it coming from the bathroom. I am glad as I really think it made her more sexually adventurous.

Then that other part of me come out and thought about buying her a still bigger and black model, I never did, instead I used the energy to fuck her all the harder.

Another thing we tried was a blindfold, coupling it with the vibrator. To my surprise she wanted me to bind her wrists, which I did with two old silk ties. Kissing and licking her while using the vibrator on her as she strained against her bindings was a super turn on. I had her suck my cock with the vibrator wedged deep in her pussy. At one time I was tempted to ask her to pretend that she was sucking off a stranger in the bedroom, but again I was afraid to see where that might lead.

I regularly jerk-off thinking about Ruth, her tight little ass high in the air while she is being fucked by a big black cock. At first she is shy, reluctant, but then she gets into it. Later on she goes to a bar and picks up another black guy or perhaps two and makes me watch as she is pleasured by them. Ultimately though I know I cannot do this, I must never mention it to her, I don't want to ruin my relationship-again!

I watch a lot of cuckold porn but I take care to encrypt and lock the folders, and delete the history afterwards. I am thinking of seeing a therapist to help me out but right now I am too embarrassed to do so.

Amy still thinks that I should tell Ruth about my fantasies and just set some good ground rules, but I won't do it. It is a problem I just will have to work this problem out on my own using the energy of my frustration to build a better marriage or risk being going through the same cycle of pain again.