Once Upon a December

"Better than." I smiled. "It felt great...you felt great."

He rolled over onto his side and kissed me on the lips. "I'm glad." He slid his fingers over my chest then, wrapping his arm around me, and pulled me against him into a sleepy embrace.

I nuzzled his neck, taking in his sweet scent again. It was a nice, familiar scent now, soothing and so relaxing. I closed my eyes and listened to his breathing and the soft, hypnotic sound of his heart. I was exhausted and so I gave myself over easily as I drifted off to sleep in his arms.

_______________________________

When I woke sometime later that morning I found Kyle sitting at the end of the bed naked, and smoking a cigarette. The TV was tuned to a station that was playing back to back Christmas movies. The current movie airing was the 1964 version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." He wasn't exactly watching the TV, though he was sitting in front of it, he seemed more lost in thought. At first he didn't even realize that I was awake until I crawled over and put my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder. "Merry Christmas," I whispered as I kissed him lightly on the cheek.

He put his hand over mine and patted it gently. "Merry Christmas Sess," He whispered back. He felt so good, so warm. Just being near him, touching him, holding him filled me with this unrelenting sense of joy. I couldn't believe that only the day before I was tripping over myself just to stand in the same vicinity as him. I never actually imagined myself being in his bed. It was a bit alarming at first. It seemed, to me, as if my school-boy crush was becoming something more intense. The mere thought of losing him now, was terrifying.

"I'll have to leave the day after tomorrow." My voice was low and shaky. I wondered if he could sense my fear. "I don't want to leave though. I want to stay here, with you."

"I'll be going back home after my sister's wedding." He said flatly.

"Do you...do you have someone back home?" I hesitated at first when asking. I wasn't really sure how to ask it, or if I even had the right to, but I really wanted to know. I wanted to know if there was a chance for us, or if this was a one-time thing.

He sighed, took a hit off his smoke, then turned, and looked me in the eyes. "Do you really think I would have slept with you if there was anybody else?"

I blinked, not sure how to answer. "Well I...I guess I'm not sure. I hoped not but, in all honesty, I don't really know that much about you." I sat back on the mattress with my legs tucked under my butt. I folded my hands in my lap and dropped my gaze, feeling a little ashamed. I really did like Kyle but the truth was I really didn't know much about him. I'd jumped so quickly into this before I really had time to think because I didn't want to miss my opportunity to be with him, but I never gave any thought to what would happen after. As far as I knew, for him, our night together could have just been free sex with a random stranger, but for me, it felt like something more. Maybe it was just because I was young and it was my first time, but our love making really meant something to me. I felt foolish suddenly. I was so naive. Did I honestly expect some fairy tale ending? It was time to get serious; this was real life, and not some Disney movie.

Kyle snuffed out his cigarette then turned around to face me. He slipped his hand into mine, interlocking our fingers. "Look at me sess." He told me.

I shook my head. "I can't." I whispered. I was on the verge of tears and I didn't want him to see.

"Come on." He persisted. "Look at me." When I refused again he slipped his hand under my chin and lifted my head up. When I tried to pull away he placed his hand on the side of my face then leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. I started crying then. The kiss felt good, but something about it felt off, it felt like...good-bye.

I couldn't control myself any longer. Without warning, I flung myself against him, burying my face in his chest and sobbed. "I don't want to lose you!" I cried out.

Kyle rubbed my back then kissed the top of my head. "Don't do that Sess, don't fall for me."

"Why?" I looked up at him then. Tears were streaming down my face. I know I must have seemed like a selfish little child at that point, but I didn't care. "Why shouldn't I fall for you?" I demanded. "The minute I saw you standing in that lobby I knew that I loved you. I wanted so badly just to be near you, to talk to you, maybe even touch you. But I had fallen for you before you even said one word to me. Was that wrong? Was I wrong? If so, I'm sorry, but I can't help the way I feel."

Kyle sighed then brushed the tears away from my face. "Like you said earlier Sess, you don't even know me."

"Then let me get to know you." I pleaded. "At least give me the chance."

"You might not like what you find out. You've put me on some type of pedestal but I'm really not that good of a person. I come with a lot of baggage and you don't need that in your life. You need someone young like you. You'd never be happy with me."

"Oh that's bull shit!" I snapped, narrowing my eyes. "You know just as little about me as I do about you. You have no idea where I come from, what my life is like, or what kind of baggage I come with either! You think just because I'm young that my life is all sunshine and rainbows?"

He chuckled a bit and squeezed my hand. "No, I don't think that at all. I'm sure it hasn't been easy for you. You seem to know who you are and what you want, but you also seem a little repressed, and definitely inexperienced. I doubt that you've even come out to anyone, well, other than me. I do know what that is like, I've been there. You can't be in a relationship with someone and not expect your family to find out, not if you want to remain close to them. It's just not possible. I tried it, and I ended up hurting a lot of people. Especially the man I was involved with. He left me when he'd had enough of being my dirty little secret. I did finally come out to my family but by then it was too late, he was gone."

"I wouldn't do that to you, I want my family to know who I am, and I want them to know who I love. It's scary for sure but, I'd be miserable if I had to hide my entire life. That's just not who I am."

He smiled then crushed me against him in a tight embrace. "You're impossibly cute but also a little stubborn. I just don't know what I'm going to do with you."

"Love me." I told him. "That's all you have to do. Love me, and I'll promise to always love you."

"You think it's that easy huh?"

"No," I said, honestly. "But it's worth the work."

"You're such a dumb kid." He laughed, "But that's part of your charm."

"I'm not a kid." I grumbled.

"Yeah, yeah," He grinned. "You're all grown up; compared to me though you're still a kid."

"You're just old." I giggled.

"Oh my God, you're such a brat!" He slapped me on the ass and I smirked. I was a brat, but like he said, it was just part of my charm.

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Another year had rolled around. I had turned nineteen at the end of October, and November had snuck up on me so fast. It was two days before thanksgiving and for the first time in my life I wasn't going to be spending it with my family.

"Wait, Sessy!" My mom came running down the driveway holding a small, insulated bag. "I thought you might get hungry so I made a snack for you."

"We're going to stop and eat somewhere." I told her.

"Well, just take it anyway. It's a long drive."

I smiled, thanked her for the food, and hugged her. She crushed me in a giant bear hug and I patted her back. "Okay mom, can't breathe."

She released me, blushed some, and ruffled my hair.

"Come on, mom!" I smoothed my hair back down and frowned. "I hate that."

"Oh stop your bitching." She looked me over, asked if I had remembered everything I needed, then threw in her normal, embarrassing, motherly advice. As if I needed reminding to brush my teeth, or change my underwear. I rolled my eyes and promised I'd be careful then told her not to worry so much, I was in good hands.

"Don't forget we're doing Christmas Eve here this year, so don't make any other plans."

"Got it." I assured her.

She looked past me to where Kyle was waiting by the car. "Will that work for you? Is your sister okay with you not being there for Christmas?"

He shrugged, "She'll have to be. I already told her it's not fair to hog Sess all to herself. She can be so greedy sometimes."

"If she thinks he's so adorable, tell her to try living with him for a week." Both my mom and Kyle laughed as I glared at them.

Kyle put his arm around my shoulders then kissed me on the forehead. "We really should get going, babe, if we want to beat the traffic."

"Okay," I nodded. I said good-bye to my mom, hugged her again, and then walked to the car.

"Take good care of my boy." She called out to Kyle as we got into the car.

"You bet." He smiled. I waved as we pulled out of the driveway. My mom waved back, standing at the end of the drive as she always did, watching as we drove down the road and out of sight.

I always hated holidays and family dinners, but this year I was actually looking forward to it. This was the first time I'd be introducing Kyle to my extended family. I was a little nervous but also excited. I finally felt like I was part of something now, and not just a stranger in my own family. I could come out of the shadows and be proud of who I was. I could finally start living.