One Plus Two Minus One Ch. 09

He just sat there, though. Strike two for not knowing him as well as she had thought.

"I don't know what to say," he said.

"You don't need to say anything. We're talking. To see if we feel better, I suppose."

"Are you going to keep seeing him?" he said. "That kid?"

She shrugged.

"You don't know?"

"It's not your business."

"How's it not my business?"

"It just isn't."

They sat there for a while.

"It feels like I don't know you any more," he said. "Since you moved here. That being apart has broken us."

They were quiet for a while.

"You'll always be close to me," she said. "This is about the worst conversation anyone can have and we're having it together. That means something."

"Worst for me."

"I mean it. You're closer to me than anyone. That isn't going to change." It was already changing, but she couldn't tell him that either.

"So we can be friends? You want to be friends?"

"If you want us to be."

"Why?"

"There's a lot I like about you. About us. But I think I was starting to lose myself in us. I needed to get me back. So I need this to end."

"I don't want us to end."

"It has."

"I want to try again. Try harder."

"No," she said. "It's done. We're over. You can't have me back."

"Keep you," he said.

"What?"

"I don't want you back. I want to keep you. As far as I know you haven't left."

She shrugged.

"Would you have sex," Robert said, "With me?"

She thought about that. About how it might make him feel better, patch his ego a little. About how she still did actually like him, somewhere inside, and wanted him not to hurt.

"Yeah," she said. "If you like. Now?"

Robert shook his head. "I don't want to. I just wondered. If you said no then he'd have more of a claim on you than I did, and that'd mean I'd be losing you."

"Or I just didn't feel like it..."

He didn't answer. So just some competition thing, Beth thought. Proving himself. Not trying to make himself feel better, or anything else involving feelings. She thought a little more, and decided she wasn't actually that comfortable sleeping with Robert after all, so perhaps Ethan did have that claim. Or she had that claim, and no-one else did.

Everything was getting confusing.

"Actually," she said. "Um..."

"Don't tell me."

"Okay," Beth said, and decided this was just getting awkward. "I think I'm done," she said. "I don't want to talk to you about who I'm sleeping with."

"Yeah," he said, sounding bitter. "Of course not."

"You can stay a while if you want," she said. "I mean, it'll be a bit weird, but stay if you need somewhere. I'm not going to throw you out."

He nodded, and didn't answer, and after a while she went back upstairs to brush her teeth and get ready for work.

*

Beth stayed out late, saw Ethan in the afternoon in her office, but didn't let him feel her up like he wanted to. Because it felt wrong, somehow, before Robert was sorted out, and because she was a little wary of who Robert might have told, and someone bursting in to catch her all sweaty with her student.

She waited until after dark to go home, but Robert still wasn't there. She went to bed, wondering if he'd be back at all.

He woke her up about two, fairly drunk, crashing around downstairs.

He came up the stairs, and seemed to be trying to be quiet. Slid into bed next to her, smelling of whisky and beer.

"How much have you had?" she said.

"Not much. You were serious this morning? This isn't a joke?"

She lay there for a while, irritated, but she supposed she'd have wanted to check too. Maybe. "I'm serious," she said.

"Shit."

Silence for a while. She wondered if maybe this would be easier. If talking in the darkness, unable to see each other's faces, would make it hurt a little less for him. She reached over and took his hand and squeezed it.

"I love you," he said. "That hasn't changed."

"I know. I love you too."

"I don't want to lose you."

She didn't answer.

"But I have," he said. "Haven't I?"

"You have."

He started to sit up, clumsy and drunk. "I'll sleep on the couch."

"Don't. Just stay."

"I should sleep on the couch."

"Robert, just fucking stay here. I can hug you or something if you want."

"No."

She stroked his back instead. He turned a little so she could reach.

"We both fucked up," he said after a while. "I should have tried harder too."

"I know."

He turned over, seemed to be groping around. She wasn't sure why until he put his hand on her breast.

He squeezed. She lay there for a moment.

"Don't," she said.

He took his hand away.

Silence again. His breathing changed fairly quickly, and he went to sleep. Too drunk to stay awake very long being upset, she thought.

*

Then next afternoon she sat with Ethan in one of the cafes near the student services building. He'd wanted to come to her office, but she said no, knew they'd just fuck if she saw him somewhere with a closing door.

And right now fucking was dangerous. She didn't know what Robert had said.

"How's it going?" Ethan said, and seemed worried about her.

"Shit. The whole thing's shit."

"I imagine."

They sat a while.

"I miss you," he said.

"Me too."

She looked around. She checked no-one she knew was nearby.

"Hey," she said. "I want the thing with you. Just so you know."

He nodded.

She moved her hand. Slid it across the table, against his, so the tips of one finger touched.

"You're worried we'll get in trouble?" Ethan said.

"That I will, yeah."

"Will he say anything?"

"I don't know. I don't think he has. He's still hoping we can work it out, I think, so he's behaving."

"Can you?"

"Nope."

He seemed relieved. He sat quietly a little longer, looking down at their hands.

"How bad is it, if he does tell someone?"

She shrugged. "You'll be okay. You didn't do anything wrong."

"And you?"

"I actually have no idea. There must be a rule somewhere, but I've never seen it. And I don't want to start asking around right now."

"Giving me marks is bad, though?"

"Yeah. But no-one knows about that."

"And if they work it out? Because suddenly someone checks my work and it isn't good enough?"

She wondered if he'd been worrying about that all along, not her getting in trouble. Then she decided she was being too suspicious, was too used to Robert.

"Yeah," she said. "That'd be bad, for me. Very bad. But for you, I'll just make them un-enroll you, take it off your record. You won't get hurt either way."

"But you'd be in trouble?" he said.

She looked at him very carefully, and decided she couldn't see any relief at all. He was concerned about her, not his transcript.

"I'd probably be in some shit, yeah."

He nodded, and seemed worried.

"We'll wait a bit," she said. "Okay? Let Robert sort his shit out and then, probably, nothing bad happens."

"Okay."

"And even if it does, you'll still have the credits you need to graduate, right?"

He nodded slowly "But that isn't the point."

"It's part of the point. I can look after myself. I don't want you paying for this."

"Can you really?" he said. "Look after this. I mean, I know you talk like it, but..."

She wasn't sure how honest to be. She didn't want him worrying.

"I'm taking care of it," she said. "But yeah, I mean, some people would make a fuss, and some other people would go along with the fuss hoping no-one looks at them too closely. But they can't really afford to lose me."

"Lose you?" Ethan said. "Shit, they could fire you?"

She realized she'd made a mistake.

"Nah," she said. "That isn't how it works. I do research. I get funding for research. And I'm a woman in a male-dominated field. And I'm good. The department won't let me go, and maths is still a department that matters. If Robert makes trouble, they'll fire him rather then me. You can get a new political scientist by turning over a rock."

He looked at her.

"Seriously, there's a guy over in sociology who isn't allowed to be alone in his office with a student. And that's sociology. I'm fine."

"I want you," he said.

"I know," she said. "Me too. Just give me a little time."

"And you'll really be okay?"

She smiled and nodded and told him not to worry, but wasn't quite as sure as she was making herself sound.