Opposite of Topping from the bottom

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Is there an opposite to Topping from the bottom?
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A few months ago I met for lunch with a friend of mine at a nice local restaurant. The reason for the meeting was to have an exchange of ideas with a trusted fellow Dominant in the area. The lunch was good, but the conversation was better, and it did something all good conversations should do; caused Me to do a lot of soul searching afterwards. The topic of our discussion actually was a totally new one to Me and I wonder if it is as well to you, or if you have some place where I can read more about the topic.

Everyone has heard of "topping from the bottom" where a submissive takes control of the scene by making her desires the primary objective. Dominants learn of this online, long before they realize it is happening to them. The problem with this behavior is that it reduces the emotional link between the Dominant and the submissive because it erodes the roles and responsibilities of each partner in the D/s relationship.

The question therefore is; is there an opposite of Topping from the bottom, and if so what is it? Before you read further, let the question play in your mind for a while and try to define for yourself what that would be, then compare it (or debate it) with My opinion and let U/us all learn from each other.

Allow me to go at this a bit backwards before I give it the title We gave it and see if you agree. In a D/s or M/s relationship the Dominant's role is to take control of the situation and to ensure the submissive feels her submission and enjoys and basks in the release and joy of it. I equate it (since I come from the land of the Tango, the Milonga and the Cumparcita) to a great dance between two partners that have complete trust and confidence in each other.

A good dance that gives both the pleasure and joy that they work for, requires that the Man take the lead and for the woman to follow. He picks the moves that will make her look the best in His arms, and she responds by giving into his lead and making the most of it. As He leads her, He focuses on both of T/them. He has the responsibility to find the boundaries of her movements and take her right to the edge, and somewhere in that dance give her the opportunity to push beyond to find even greater joy and mastery of her dance.

In the M/s and D/s relationship it is very much the same way. A Dominant has to focus on His role and carefully take the submissive through the various moves and scenes that will bring the best out of her; at the same time allowing her to test her boundaries and push further past them. The movement beyond her old limits allows her a twofold success: first she finds that she's far more capable of experiencing pleasure than she did before, and second she finds the enjoyment of knowing she pleased Him (even if at first or even throughout she felt uncomfortable or even uncertain).

It was exactly that understanding during Our conversation when it came to light that there are (or may be) some Dominants that won't properly lead Their submissive. Perhaps it is lack of confidence, or perhaps it is lack of experience, or maybe it is possibly even happening underneath His own conscious understanding of what is actually going on.

To illustrate what I'm talking about let Me start with the definition of what gives a submissive her greatest joy; pleasing her Dominant. When a submissive fails to please her Dominant, regardless of how much pleasure she feels, it is somehow incomplete. Not trying to make light of it, but for Me it would be like a fine dining experience and finding out they did not serve coffee at the end. Still a good meal, but I'm not as happy about it as I would otherwise feel.

A Dominant that enters a scene, not to gain the most pleasure for Himself, but with the sole objective of doing whatever will cause his submissive to feel best, is approaching it (in My humble opinion) with the wrong frame of mind. Allow Me to illustrate in the following manner. A Dominant looks at His submissive and she looks a bit down and he decides that she'd enjoy a good spanking to bring her out of her funk. He pulls her over His knees and begins to properly work her out and looks for signals of her enjoyment. Remember, she's in a funk and most likely won't be all smiles at this point. He continues to spank her and still no feedback from her. Remember He went into this to make her happy and because she's in a bad mood she's not going to automatically switch to being in a good mood.

He continues to spank her and realizes that she's truly not enjoying it; what is He to do? He softly pats her on the back and tells her to get up. She looks at Him and realizes that He is not pleased. How does she feel now? Think about the situation for a moment and then continue; see if you agree with Me.

I believe that at this point any submissive will not only still be in her funk, but she now has the added burden of having done the opposite of what brings her - even in the worst of times - the joy of her submission. He, even with the best of intentions, has failed to take the lead, and allow her to take the pleasure of following. He is now frustrated because she's in a worse funk than when He started this entire episode and remembers that old saying "...the way to hell, is paved with good intentions...".

I think the better approach for Him to have taken would have been to decide what HE wanted, and allowed her to give Him that pleasure, thus adding to her, rather than to try to figure out what she would enjoy (Is anyone good at reading her mind?) and giving it to her. See the difference? While in both cases He is trying to help her feel better, in the first case He is trying to read her mind and giving her what He thinks she would want (in essence subbing from the Top). He could still accomplish the goal, but doing what His role demands of Him; take the lead. Even if the specific scene is not what she would want, the fact that she submitted to Him and felt His loving strength around her, gives her the comfort and love that will give her the strength she needs to get out of her funk.

This whole topic is new to Me, yet I see where there have been times where I acted in the way I described. I cheated My submissive from the superior feeling of her submission to Me. I, with all the good intentions in the world, lessened her completeness and it did not come to light until the conversation at lunch the other day. Now I realize, just like when we go dancing and it is unimaginable for Me not to take the lead, the same thing applies to our 24/7 D/s relationship. W/we are blessed with the pleasure of being married, yet at the same time we have to be very careful because the old habits of 8 years of marriage creep into our D/s life and keep U/us from fully enjoying what W/we have. I lead, she follows; W/we both do it because of the strength of O/our characters and that which helps U/us feel complete: Dominance for Me, submission for her.

As always, please leave Me your thoughts and opinions.

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FemDomSubHubFemDomSubHubabout 16 years ago
Request to use your work

I am a submissive man living a lifestyle FemDom marriage with my wife of 10 years. This is very well written, and brings up a topic I would like to continue to investigate.

I blog regularly, to learn and help educate others, on ALT.

I respectfully ask that I be allowed to use your post, and modify it to our lifestyle, in an attempt to bring this topic up for discussion amongst my readers.

I will blog about it, and others will read it and most likely give commentary.

I appreciate your consideration.

Thank you.

hydeateddyhydeateddyalmost 17 years ago
Service Top

Perhaps I am not clear on what you are asking, but I think that you are describing a service top, a top that does what the bottom is most interested in having done. You also point out the problems on both ends for scenes that go less well than hoped, and leave both feeling badly. Some would say that the best response for the top is to play through if not hearing a safe word, others would stop, step out of the scene and talk. I don't know that there is a best way. I can respect a range of approaches, including things that I would never want to do.

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