Overwhelming Urges

*Note to readers: This story is not about religion nor is it anti-religious. It is sexual with an interracial theme. However, the main characters experience a loss of religious faith making this whole thing possible. If you find this sort of thing offensive, this may not be a story you'll enjoy.

And yes, the timeline is unrealistically short for this to happen in real life, but for a story like this, it pretty much has to be.

If you still want to keep reading but don't understand Mormonism, then you may want to read the background information so you can make sense of the battle raging in the minds of the main characters, please read the background info. If not, just skip ahead to the double lines below and enjoy.

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Personal Info:

I'm not anti-religious. I don't take offense at a prayer before a high school football game or go nuts when I see a religious display on public property. I just see no evidence for the existence of God. That said, I respect people of faith (even though I largely disagree with them) as long as they don't advocate physical violence like Muslim jihadists.

Whenever I include a religious theme in a story, I tend to get one of two kinds of comments. The first is the kind that tell me I'm being 'preachy.' That's never been my intent. Since I don't believe in any religion, I'm most definitely not 'preaching.' You just can't tell this kind of story without exploring the religious person's mindset and Mormons are unique brand of religious people.

Considering the hundreds of millions of people on earth who are religious around the world, and coupling that with human nature, the kinds of things I write about are undoubtedly a very common occurrence wherein temptations overcome faith. I know this to be true from personal experience as I shared in Bagging Lauren. I had an affair with a married Mormon woman when I was just 18 and a senior in high school. So at least some of this is based on personal experience.

People have sexual needs. Period. Religion tries to represses all of them except inside the confines of marriage and even there, some things are frowned upon (like anal sex.) That can often cause a battle to rage internally and to those dealing with it, it is very real and to them, very serious. Thinking about doing things a secular person would never see as a serious moral issue can create so much internal conflict for a deeply religious person, that person can find him or herself living in a kind of hell on earth attempting to keep forbidden desires in check.

I had a good friend in high school who was a Mormon and we spent a lot of time together. He once told me how a married woman in his local congregation, or 'ward' in Mormon-speak, pursued their married bishop until he moved himself and his family to another state. She then divorced her husband, followed the former bishop to the new state, and then pursued him there until he finally gave in and had an affair with her resulting in his own divorce leaving his three children without their dad. This stuff happens and it happens more often than we think in every denomination.

In addition to my Mormon friend, I once dated a Mormon girl for over a year. I learned a lot about that religion from them and my friend's parents and find Mormonism fascinating for many reasons.

The second kind of comment always makes me laugh. The people making them take issue with the 'blasphemy' in my stories. Ironically, the people making the comments come here, read stories about sexual encounters which include adultery and fornication, homosexuality, or transsexuals (no problem there), but take great offense at someone in the throes of ecstasy saying, "Oh, God" or "Jesus Christ!" Maybe they should be in church or at confession instead of reading scintillating stories.

Background on Mormomism:

As to Mormonism specifically, it teaches its people they must "keep the commandments" in order to be "exalted" in the next life. For men, being exalted means to become a God while his wife (or wives) can become Goddess(es). Mormons believe we have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother, who, by the way, who were once humans like us. They kept the commandments and were exalted to godhood. Oh, and they have Heavenly Fathers and Mothers ad infinitum. Bizarre, right? Exaltation can only happen by being married in a Mormon temple for "all time and eternity." Oh, and you have to live faithfully and endure to the end after getting married in a temple or you still won't make it to exaltation. Talk about a setup or a recipe for disaster!

Breaking any of the commandments like drinking alcohol or even coffee or tea, means you can't go to the Mormon temple. If you can't go to the temple, you can't become a God or Goddess. So if having a cup of coffee is that serious, you can imagine how bad it is if you commit adultery or even fornication. You can be excommunicated from the church and for committed Mormons, that's a fate worse than death.

One can often tell there's some kind of problem if a Mormon doesn't "take the sacrament" several weeks in a row. The sacrament (blessed bread and water) are offered every single Sunday and Mormons aren't supposed to take it if they have 'sin' in their lives. Not taking it once every now and then isn't uncommon. More than that makes people start wondering and inevitably... talking. Some call that—gossip.

So what can a good Mormon man or woman do who has uncontrollable, overwhelming urges to do certain, forbidden things? Pray for strength, suffer in silence, or risk being excommunicated. (Gay Mormons—or gay people of any faith—know exactly what I'm talking about, but this story isn't about being gay.)

So please forgive my being 'preachy' even though I'm most definitely not preaching. It's just that no one can understand the seriousness of these 'sins' unless one understands the Mormon mindset.

With that in mind, let's go inside the minds of our main characters, Oliver and Jenna Porter, who live in the greater Seattle, Washington area (where I grew up), as do tens of thousands of other Latter-day Saints, many of whom struggle with similar issues at various times in their lives.

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"It was so good to see Elder Jacobs back from his mission today, wasn't it, honey?" Oliver Porter asked his wife after sacrament meeting.

"I know! Two years is a long time to be away from home when you're just 19, but I know Heavenly Father blesses them for doing His will. Any idea what he plans to do?"

"Go to BYU and get married, I guess. What else to returned missionaries do?" he joked. Okay, he wasn't really joking because that's what a very large percentage of these young men did. Not getting married right away could be very dangerous as the urge to procreate is very strong and sex is only allowed within marriage so why not go to a school where nearly everyone is LDS and find a wife? And the sooner the better.

Later that evening, after dinner, Oliver Porter asked his wife another question. "Sweetheart? Is everything okay?"

"Sure. Why wouldn't it be, honey?" she asked him.

"Well, I couldn't help but notice you didn't take the sacrament again today."

"Oh," she said as though he'd just reminded her of something she'd forgotten about. "No, it's not a big deal. I've just been struggling with some things recently. Nothing to worry about."

"You sure? I mean, I'm not trying to keep track, but I know that's at least the fourth time in the last several months. Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

Jenna had been born and raised in The Church and knew the husband was the head of the family. After all, he held the Holy Melchizedek priesthood and he would 'call her through the vail into the celestial kingdom by the sacred new name she was given in the temple.' Even so, this was something she was just going to have to work through on her own. It had started in college and had kept rearing its ugly head every so often since.

She thought it was behind her for good after meeting Oliver when he was just back from his own two-year mission to Brazil two years ago. He was so handsome and such a great guy. She was in her senior year while he was a sophomore (he'd gone to school for a year before being called on his mission) as did many young Mormon men.

Of all the guys she'd dated, she knew immediately he was the one. He was everything she'd ever been raised to want in a husband and she was thrilled to think she'd be able to spend eternity married to this wonderful man. When he wanted to transfer from Brigham Young University to the University of Washington in Seattle to be closer to his family, she'd been happy to go with him. She even loved working to support him while he finished his BA. But she didn't love dealing with...this.

About four months ago, those same hideous, relentless...thoughts, those...urges...came back again. She was so angry! She'd done her best to live faithfully and keep the commandments. She gone to the temple and married her husband. Why wouldn't Heavenly Father take these awful desires away from her? She'd prayed and prayed and prayed. She'd even fasted and prayed begging Him to take them urges away and yet they remained. And lately they were growing stronger. Why did they continue to interrupt her otherwise perfect life? Why couldn't she stop thinking about this?

That evening she decided she would talk to the bishop during the week. She would lay all of this out, tell him exactly what was troubling her, and seek his wise counsel. While Mormon bishops didn't forgive sins like Catholic priests, some things just had to be confessed and this was getting to the point where it was one of them. It had to be dealt with.

That night, Jenna wanted Oliver in the worst way, and he was all too happy to oblige her. Sometimes, when she was like this, he wasn't sure whether to be grateful or concerned that he'd been a wife with such a ferocious sexual appetite. He knew that as long as they were married, there was nothing they could do together that was wrong—as long as it was consensual and involved only the two of them, of course.

Oliver was worn out when she was finally finished with him. She wanted him twice and her...needs...were such that having sex was often a very time-consuming event. Having it twice was a kind of marathon. All in all, he was thankful he didn't have the kinds of problems his male friends at church often hinted about where they went many days or even weeks without sex. And with their wives, anything but intercourse was out of the question. Not for Jenna. There was nothing she didn't like or want—often. So Oliver decided to count his blessings and not complain when it was a little after midnight before he finally got to sleep. Even after all that, Jenna was as unsatisfied as ever. No amount of anything with Oliver could meet her needs. Or were they even needs? It was more likely these were just evil desires placed there by the Adversary and she was going to have to prove her worthiness by conquering them. Telling her husband about them was unconscionable. But what if they wouldn't go away? What would she do then? That was a question with which she wasn't prepared to grapple. She silently prayed her bishop would have the wisdom to help put this behind her once and for all.

While Jenna wrestled with her own personal demons, Oliver was battling his own. The one thing he couldn't tell her was the doubts he'd been having since the second year of his mission. He wrestled with them every day since and lately they were tearing him apart. On the one hand, The Church had to be true. Joseph Smith had to be a prophet of God. The Book of Mormon had to be the word of God. And God had to hear and answer our prayers...didn't He? And yet on the other hand, his mother had died of cancer while he was on his mission in spite of the thousands of prayers from hundreds of people. She not only never recovered, she steadily declined and she was in so much pain that death became a sweet release. "She's in a better place" or "His ways are higher than our ways," is what everyone, to include his dad, kept telling him. He was too tired to think it through yet again as he drifted off to sleep.

"Sister Porter! It's so good to see you. Come on in."

She just loved Bishop Calvert. He was such a godly man with a truly wonderful family. It was no accident he'd been called to serve as her bishop at a time when she really needed him.

"Please. Have a seat," he told her as he sat down behind his desk. Like her, he'd taken off an extra hour from work after lunch to meet with her as there is no paid clergy in the Mormon Church. They are all laymen who hold other full-time jobs.

"So how's that new job of yours going, Jenna? Do you like it so far?"

"I really do, Bishop. I've never worked in a bank before and there's always something new to learn. And I really like the people."

"Wonderful. I was glad to help get you started. Brother Harmon has been the bank president for as long as I can remember and when I told him you needed a job, he was all too happy to hire you."

"And he trained me at his expense, so thank you so much, Bishop."

"My pleasure," he told her. "So what brings you here today, Sister Porter?"

"Well, this is...this is something I've never told anyone before. It's so...personal...and quite frankly, Bishop Calvert, it's very embarrassing."

"Then it's probably a good thing you're here. I just want to assure there's nothing our Heavenly Father can't help us deal with, so with that in mind, why don't you tell me what this burden is you're carrying around."

"Well, this started in college," she told him.

"At BYU?" he asked for clarification.

"Yes. I was 19 and a sophomore. I had this...professor...in a history class." She couldn't even look at him as feelings of shame and guilt welled up inside of her.

"Did you find yourself attracted to him by any chance? If so, I can assure you that's a very common thing. An older man, a younger woman. It happens. Is that what happened?"

"Yes," she answered. "But well, that's how it started."

"I see. Jenna? Are you telling me something inappropriate happened?"

She knew by 'inappropriate' he meant having some kind of intimate physical contact with him to include petting. "Oh, heavens no, Bishop. No, I never even told him about this...crush I had on him."

"Okay, well as I said, that's not such an unusual thing. Did you repent and put it behind you or are you still have these feelings for him?"

She could feel his eyes boring into her as she sat there in front of him. She needed to tell him all of this but every word was just so...heavy. "Yes and no," she told him. "Yes, I'm still having these feelings but no, they aren't for him." She paused and added, "At least...not just for him."

"So there's another man involved besides this professor?"

"Not exactly," she told him.

"Jenna, if I'm going to be able to help you, you're going to need to be a little more specific. You don't have to give me a name, but you will have to tell me a little more about whom you're thinking...or for whom you're lusting."

"That's the problem, Bishop Calvert. It isn't any one man. Or at least it wasn't until recently."

"So there's more than just one man involved?" he asked her.

"No, not exactly," she said again. She looked up and could tell he was getting close to being exasperated. "I don't really think about my former professor any more. It's...it's this new man...at the bank. But it's deeper than that. I have this...obsession...about a particular kind of man," she managed to say.

He shook his head slightly and said, "I'm kind of lost. What kind of man are you referring to, Sister Porter?"

Jenna felt sick to her stomach. She was going to have to put her deepest, darkest desires into words for the first time and she was petrified. She looked up at him, a look of despair on her face. "The professor I was referring to was..." Jenna swallowed hard then forced herself to say, "Black. He was African-American." She could see the bishop was ill-equipped for this kind of discussion so she spoon fed him the rest of the pieces of the puzzle. "He was so...handsome. He was...gorgeous. And he was so...black. Initially, I thought I just had a crush on a handsome man, but after several months I found myself looking at..." Tears welled up in her eyes as she blurted out, "Every black man I saw. I couldn't help myself."

He handed her a tissue and said, "Did this...looking...involve more than just looking?"

She felt so ashamed as she said, "Yes. I started imagining, you know, actually...being with them."

"You mean sexually, right? You wanted to have sexual intercourse with these black men?"

Tears streamed down her face as she admitted the truth. "Yes. And it's become this...all-consuming thing. I thought I was over it when I married Oliver, but it's come back and all I can think about—all I want—is to be with a black man."

The bishop leaned back in his chair and said, "This is obviously very serious, Sister Porter. You're a married woman. You are a Daughter of Zion. You've been sealed to an Elder of Israel for all time and eternity. These kinds of desires must be overcome or you won't be able to go back to the temple. Do you understand how serious this is?"

"Yes," she sobbed. "It's tearing me apart, bishop."

"I need to ask you something and you must be completely honest with me. Have you acted on any of these...desires of yours?"

"No," she said continuing to sob. "But there's someone at work. I...can't take my eyes off of him all day. He's caught me staring so many times, and I feel helpless to control myself. Bishop, you have to help me. I'm begging you. Please help make this go away."

"Can I assume you've not discussed this with Oliver?"

"No, of course not. How could I possibly tell him? He'd think I'm...sick. I think I'm sick!.

"Okay, let's do this. We'll pray and ask for extra strength and I'm also going to anoint your head with oil and give you a blessing. That will provide you with ever more strength. But Jenna? You'll have to do the work yourself. You know that, right?"

"But I've tried, Bishop Calvert. I've prayed thousands of times. I just need you to make this go away. Please, I'm begging you! Help me, please!"

"You know the saying, Jenna. Pray as though everything depends on the Lord, but work as though everything depends on you."

Ten minutes later, he'd blessed her and prayed with her and for the first time in months, she felt hopeful. Well, until she returned to work only to find Marqueese waiting for her.

"Jenna? Where have you been? We've got a meeting with Mr. Harmon. It was supposed to start ten minutes ago." He looked at her and asked, "Hey? Have you been crying? Is everything okay?"

When she looked at him, she lost it. She burst into tears in front of fellow employees and customers. Marqueesse watched as everyone in the bank turned and looked at her. Sensing their discomfort, he moved closer and put his arms around her and kind of paternally patted her on the back. "Hey, it's okay. Listen, why don't you just go home and take the rest of the day off, okay? I'll handle the meeting by myself."

Jenna tried to take deep breaths and regain control, but it wasn't helping much. "Seriously? Are you okay?" he asked her again. He stepped back and put his hands on her shoulders and waited for her to look up at him.

Her face was mess. Mascara was everywhere along with a very unsightly string of snot. Marqueese reached for a tissue and handed it to her. "Come on. Let's get you out to your car," he urged trying to turn her around and get her out of the lobby.

She still had her purse on her arm and she hadn't even taken off her coat. Marqueese opened the door for her and as she stepped through, he turned and saw the bank manager, Lois Berman, nod her approval.