Passions And Fears Are Contagious

Now what and later?

I can't get Lisa out of my mind. Since last evening nothing in my life is the same. How could it be? What happened was so totally unexpected, exciting, frightening.

Maybe I am over reacting to what happened at the Donaldson's dinner party. Perhaps part of me was waiting for what happened and then it did. What does it tell me about who I am?

My husband Jim and I 'knew' many of the invited guests at the barbeque and looked forward to meeting up with them again. I pleaded with Jim to not get drunk and to be able to drive us home. For some years life with my husband has been like falling off a cliff. Our adolescent kids were well aware that something was amiss and they would ask me "what's wrong" and I couldn't really tell them. As my marriage shrank Jim's waist expanded so that now a generous roll of fat flopped over his belt and out from under his sports jacket.

For the moment all our marital problems receded into the background as we wandered about the Donaldson backyard. A perfect evening for casual dining, a dip in the pool for those who thought about bringing their bathing suits, a huge glowing orange ball sunset followed by a full moon, and the sweet smell of the lilacs that seemed to be everywhere. The smoke from the barbeque danced up and around keeping time to the beat of the recorded dance music and even Jim took my hand and we danced to one of the numbers but then I realized that his arm around my waist was like a stick stuck in the mud and the way he held me reminded me that we hadn't fucked for months. One dance was enough and

I walked away and wandered about chatting briefly with old acquaintances while slowly sipping a glass of jug Merlot.

It was one of the Donaldson's larger parties but even so I got a chance to chat with almost everyone. The guests sat in small huddles holding their tilted dinner plates in their laps and their wine glasses at their feet. I didn't sit with Jim but instead joined two couples who I didn't really know well but had met before. We introduced each other, again, while slowly eating a perfectly grilled steak, along with one of my favorite side dishes, German potato salad (made not with mayonnaise but with a vinegar and oil dressing).

I sat next to Lisa who I had met briefly at an invitation only investment banking conference. She made some really interesting remarks at that meeting. I was struck by her beauty, intelligence and self-confidence. The mostly men audience sat up and listened when she got up and told the group that she disagreed with the investment model under discussion. She didn't hold back in her remarks. Lisa told them that she thought that the model being presented was 'bullshit and was not even ready for a silly info commercial". Pow!!! Everyone in the room knew Lisa was no pushover. I followed her remarks with my own, supporting her conclusions. At the end of the one day meeting she came over to me and thanked me for 'my thoughts' and added, "Maybe one day we can get together and expand on our ideas about investment banking" and I thought that would be a nice idea but didn't follow up nor did Lisa.

Nevertheless, during the next days and weeks I did think of her, her poise, strength, how articulate she was and attractive, and feminine. I was quite impressed with her along with a growing tinge of attraction.

So here we were sitting next to each other, chatting chewing, smiling. She had introduced me to her husband, Sandy, a strikingly handsome tall tan and raconteur. I thought what a sexy, with it couple. I couldn't help but notice her long legs highlighted by black panty hose, the understated but seductive cut of her jacket with just a hint of no bra showing underneath, makeup that highlighted her round lips and warm eyes.

What was I thinking, saying to myself experiencing and felt a flush flow over my face. This was Lisa that was making me feel, well, I admitted to myself, no doubt about it, hot, and somehow I felt she could read my reaction to her. I seemed lost in my feelings and wasn't even listening to our small talk and I tried not to stare and suddenly..... Lisa broke the spell.

She whispered in my ear, "Why don't we continue where we left off at that silly investment conference. Why don't we stroll around the garden and talk about, investment strategies and the ways of mice men and women." And she held my hand and helped me up and we wandered off.

Lisa seemed to do all the talking and I listened. "You know that investment banking is all about seduction, about promises whispered into willing ears, about the romance of what the future will bring and the result is, infatuations with what the future can bring affairs of the flesh and the bank account. Don't you agree?"

I was intoxicated with her words and thoughts and her.

"I never thought of the bonds between investment banking, romance, sexual attraction and yet it all makes sense and, in retrospect it all seems so logical."

Lisa put her arms around my waist. "You know, Sue, you are quite attractive, and smart and, I hope you don't mind me saying this but also very sensuous. Do you know that about yourself or is my take of who you are a mystery to you?"

I was stunned and disarmed and answered in almost a stutter but without a censor for the words that bubbled out of me.

"Lisa, it has been such a long ago that I felt, sexy, wanted, a woman."

I was going to go on but Lisa stopped me and turned me about facing me, looking straight into my eyes.

"I sort of suspected that seeing you with your husband and what a terrible shame, what a waste, a tragedy."

She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and said, "It doesn't have to be that way. Life is too short and what we are and want to become needs room to blossom and if not what is our life about. ...And one more thought, no actually a question. Have you ever been with a woman? I mean, really been with a woman, not just having tea, or talking about the kids, but really with a woman, touching her, being close enough to her to feel her being and yes also her body. Have you ever been close enough to a woman to not only catch the scent of her perfume but also the scent from the warmth underneath her arms, and now I have to really stop myself but that is not who I am ....have you ever wondered and then discovered what her cunt feels like, the taste of her juices, feeling them flow, around your tongue and have you ever been in her presence when her back arches up and her toes curl down......and mean have you ever really been with a woman all of her when she is alive and totally open? And then she stopped and just stood there looking at me.

"Sue, I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I didn't mean to do that but somehow I felt the need to say what I thought about you and to respond to what I saw in you, some of what you might have imagined, pictured felt, and am I wrong about that. I sort of know that you imagined what it would be like to be with a woman.

Women respond to women very differently from how men are with women. They touch each other very differently and are much more aware of themselves and their partner than most men are capable of. Kissing a woman is so different than the kiss of a man. Their lips and tongue are so much likely to be in tune with each other so that kissing is in itself complete, exciting, liberating, sensuous and I could go on and on. If you have never kissed a woman, really kissed her, on the lips, with mouths open to each other, with tongues that speak to one another....well if not would you like to try it, to know what it might feel like?"

My knees were ready to give way and my head was spinning out of control and I was stunned and, at the same time, I could feel my cunt dripping, and I was gasping for air but also was gripped with fear and I knew that Lisa knew what I was feeling, all of it.

Lisa put her hand around my waist and continued. "I assume I have disturbed you haven't I? Let me ask you some questions that you need not answer. You want me to kiss you, really kiss you, here, now, where no one can see us. You are curious, no excited to find out what that is like, to taste my mouth, feel my tongue on yours and you don't have to answer or nod or shake your head. My guess is that you are wet, you panties are being soaked as we speak, that you are wetter than the inside of my mouth with my tongue playing with yours, twirling, sucking all the juices into me because they are mine when they used to be yours"

I was breathless but whispered a scream, asking her "please stop, and I want to kiss you and all this is overwhelming and Lisa, I don't know what to say what to do. I am paralyzed and feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a car and a part of me wants to run, run away as fast I can and"

and before I could continue I felt her lips on mine, her tongue seeking out my own, her breath, with my own gasping, struggle to keep standing, upright, at the edge of the privy bushes and then I felt her hand at the back of my neck pushing me down to her breasts, and I could feel them surrounding me, their softness, the sweet scent surrounding her nipples and as I gasped I pulled her breast out and bit down hard on her nipples, and I heard her muddled scream and moved up and my tongue caressed her ears and then it was Lisa that was moaning, holding me tight and then her hand went underneath my skirt and pushed hard against my cunt and her fingers played with my clit through my wet panties .....when suddenly her husband Sandy appeared, stood looking at us, smiling, and then walked over and hugged both of us together.

Sandy, still smiling, spoke to both of us. "I guess, Lisa you have gotten to know Susan. Don't you think we should invite her to our house so that we could continue to get acquainted?"

I nodded, "Yes, but I find all this so scary not just Lisa but now you, you who seemed to know what was going to happen and I am so confused.

Lisa replied gently, holding my hand. "Sue, no hurry, and we would not hurt you or make you feel anything that you didn't want to experience. We can talk about all this later. OK?

And I simply replied, "Yes later'.

Choices while sitting next to you

Tomorrow, and then what? Should we have known it would end like this, passion unleashed without any chance of going back, a train wreck, preventable? Did we really have choices given what we felt?

I asked Jan those questions. She agreed about what might happen when our secrets we first kept from each other were out there, no eraser, and how it all would evolve, badly. It was inevitable that her husband would find out everything. All the secrets would boil over and out, into daylight and Jan knew she couldn't stop talking, telling it all and of course I had to also tell my wife about Jan.

It started with simple innocent flirting. It was a pleasant diversion as we worked together on the modeling project for the Biochemistry Division of Ajax Pharmaceuticals. Maybe flirting is never just fun and games but we just smiled, enjoyed it, and kept working on our joint project. Our playing around actually helped to get our work done. It took some of the pressure off the workload, the deadlines, the kind of pressure that can drive you crazy. Jan and I (oh my name is Rick) were colleagues and we were expected to always come up with solutions especially when tens of millions of dollars were at stake. This isn't the first time we collaborated on a project. Last year we published 2 scientific papers together and by then were really familiar with the emotions, intrigue and pressure to produce in the unforgiving world of drug development. We also got to know each other, sharing stories about our families, our lives as kids growing up, theexperiences that were important in shaping our lives. Jan, and her husband and kids had met my wife Sue and my son Jim on several occasions so Jan and I could put faces on our worlds.

Tomorrow evening we would be together at a scientific meeting in Chicago. Tonight was our chance to do some final editing of our presentation. It was getting late. Sitting, next to each other staring at the projection screen in front of the conference room table our knees touched and stayed there.

Jan whispered "I'm a bit nervous, about tomorrow. I think our findings should hold up to scrutiny but ...oh well"

I reassured her "Look Jan we know what we have and what isn't complete and who else in the room knows our research better than we do?" and I stroked her cheek, and repeated what I had told her on many occasions, "You are as good as they get. Your math modeling of drug action is the envy of our scientific community. You are the very best" and then I leaned over and hugged her, but this time I did not let go, instead I held her.

Once again her signature spicy sweet scent got to me and I could feel my nostrils twitch and so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could feel her warmth, and the soft swell of her breasts against me, and I couldn't stop myself from bringing my mouth close to her ear, and then caught myself but not really and whispered "oh Jan you are the very best and I can't imagine working here without you, but there was so much more I wanted to say.

Jan pulled back from me, holding my hands in hers, and just stared, said nothing and then with our faces almost touching whispered back,

"and I can't imagine life without you. I just had to say what I think you have known or at least guessed."

The silence that followed lasted minutes as we sat hand in hand locked in our shared thoughts, " What is happening, ...and we knew, and what we wanted was so easy to imagine, I simply flowed, each in our own mind,...we knew the place that we were going was dangerous and exciting, and we thought about what might happen if...., and could we stop ourselves ....and then we thought about our families, our spouses, her 2 kids, my older kid, and then I thought back, back to us, back to tonight, and then tomorrow, our presentation, together, being away together, away from our families, together, touching, her scent, my hands in hers, our eyes, staring wondering reaching out to each other.

Finally Jan broke the silence. "What do we do? What is happening and isn't this like a cliché of what can happen in a work setting and yet what I feel is so real that even though it seems like a common workplace script it is so real to me that'.....and she didn't finish her thought

I didn't know what we should do or not do except to say "I want you so badly that I can explode. I can imagine the many ways that I want to touch you, have you, know every inch of you and how ......

Jan interrupted and whispered with her face almost touching mine, "How do you want to touch me? Tell me. What do you want to do? What do you want to do first? What would you do if you could, if we could, if I.... "and then she stopped and dropped her head on my shoulder.

I whispered in her ear, "Oh Jan, I want to taste and feel your tongue in my mouth, I want to suck the breath out of you, I want to dance and twirl my tongue around listening to the music and taste of what is inside you. I want to capture your private hidden spirit and all of your body, and want to feel you push back and touch me, your mouth hard on my lips....and I can imagine hearing you moan and then I can picture you pushing your tongue into my mouth leaving us both gasping, and part of me wishes none of this were so but I can't help being overwhelmed by you now, here, and I have to tell you I have thought of you so often, not just now, but then, yesterday, last week, the two of us together driven to an edge, a cliff and even as I want you I can feel the fear spill up from my gut and at the same time I don't care. I just want to taste and touch all of you and I can't keep that out of my mind. And I know you want me too."

And Jan leaned over "You mean you want me to kiss you like this, the way I thought of kissing you so many times before."

Jan leaned forward and crushed her lips against mine with her mouth open grasping me, gasping, letting me know all about how she felt.

Suddenly we heard the cleaning cart stop in front of the conference room door, a key in the lock, turning, a face stared in and saw us, startled, but quick enough to halt our endless kiss, unglued our mouths, and when the door closed we both grasped one another again and continued a kiss that seemed endless, each of us pushing back our desperation, holding it for a moment, pushing back, letting each of us know, without words, how much we needed our embrace to go on and on and we both understood the passion that was leaving us helpless in each other's arms.

How could we stop when neither of us desperately wanted more. Jan moved her lips from mine and started to kiss my neck, my nose, and then my ear and her tongue twirled in and out and her breath filled all of me to the bursting point. My body and being were at the edge of precipice, shuttering, and I looked over the side with excitement and fear I couldn't stand it anymore and I could feel her nipple hard against the palm my hand and then Jan stopped and sat back while my hand continued to move from one breast to the other squeezing her, feeling her hard nipples through her cashmere sweater while my head continued to spin out of control.

Jan whispered slowly, her eyes, misty, "and Rick what would you do if we could? What would you do, have us do together if it were possible? Could we let our imaginations fly and would that be enough for us, sufficient to quell our passion? Could imagining being free to do what we want be enough?"

"Jan you know that saying out loud what we wanted from each other makes it harder to stop and maybe that is why you suggested that? You don't want to stop and I am screaming inside, 'no, don't let this end here."

"Rick, I need to know all of you the Rick that is out of control with me. There is so much more I can't put into words that doesn't capture what I feel. I am burning with desire to know what you would do, what you would do first if you could if we could and I will tell you how that might feel to me and how I would respond in turn, or maybe, I should be the one to start telling you how I want to touch you, and how I would want you to feel every crevice of my being, and all I want is to devour you, and oh, what does it matter. Yes, but of course yes, and I have to say it....I need to know how you imagine our love making, our passion, our loss of our private beings with each other, what it feels like to totally get lost in each other and with one another".

Rick answered, slowly, with hesitation, with a stammer that only underscored his excitement.

"OK, if you want to know my imaginings. I would hold you in my arms for a long time. I would stroke your cheek, and the back of your neck and I would whisper secrets in your ear, first with words and then with my tongue, wordless, wet, and then I would move my hands lightly over your sweater feeling your warmth and softness of you and only then would I touch your hard nipples, I would squeeze them hard and your gasping words telling me what you feel and that you want more, more of all of what my hands would say, and would continue to whisper in your ear, with words, like I need you, I need you, I need to be in you, on top of you, beside you, quiet and screaming with excitement, and I want to be part of you and I need to have who you open to me and my tongue, dancing, warm, wet, the words, the touch tumbling out all over your body. I would reach under your sweater and slip my fingers beneath your bra so that I can feel your soft warm skin, and then I would cup your breasts, stroke them, squeeze them gently, then harder, but then I think it would be hard to stop myself from pinching your nipples harder, out of excitement, and squeezing your breasts even harder and when I heard you cry out to me I would need to lift your sweater over your head and then would bend down and lick the sides of your breasts and then I would put first one nipple then the other in my mouth sucking them slowly and then faster and would never let go, and as I heard your moans grow louder I could not help myself so I would bite your nipples, hard enough to hear you wince and gasp at the same time...."