Persistant Love

I want to thank Loves2Readorg for editing this story and for her attention to detail.

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My first gay relationship started out as a close friendship. I guess that is normally how such relationships begin considering that gay relationships are difficult to enter into. Particularly when one man is gay and the other is not or isn't sure. Add to that the fact that we were at the time in the military where such behavior is treated like a crime and then the difficulty level grows exponentially. Johnny was in charge of records and processing orders for incoming and out going personnel and I worked in the base clinic. It was at the base gym that we first met and Johnny first realized his desire for me.

He and I had been stationed together at two different duty stations in the two years since I had completed boot. He had been in five years to my two and had a keen sense of how to work the system so that wherever I went he was soon to follow. Apparently, he was acquainted with the system well enough to generate his own orders while doing nothing out of line. He had used this knowledge to keep tabs on me so that he could work his way into my pants. Johnny was gay. A fact he was forced to keep under wraps due to the military's ideology that gays in the military were a threat to national security. Anyway, he not only wanted me physically, he wanted me body and soul. In short, he had fallen for me the moment he laid eyes on me. That happened to be in the base gym shower.

After seeing me in the shower, he made a point to introduce himself the next time he saw me in the gym. His line of approach was to suggest that he needed a workout partner to keep him motivated. So we started out working out in the early mornings on a regular basis. From this association, we developed a friendship that grew closer as time went on. After nearly a year, I still had no clue that he had a romantic/sexual interest in me. It wasn't until my second posting that he came out to me.

I received orders to report to Puget Sound Naval base in Washington. He already knew of my orders a week before I received them. He didn't get upset until I had the orders in hand. It was as if he was hoping I wouldn't get them or that something would prevent my being transferred. We said our good-byes as friends do and made promises to write. As I pulled away, I could have sworn he was crying. Less than a month later Johnny showed up at the Puget Sound gym ready to work out.

I was far from upset to see him there because most of the people I had gotten to know in that month were processing out. So we rekindled our workout routine and started hanging out more and more. Johnny is 6 feet tall and built quite impressively with wide shoulders and trim waistline. He was often asked if he was a professional body builder. He just happened to have good genetics that allowed him to maintain a killer body while working out a few days a week. I'm considerably shorter but gifted with an equally nice build though not as muscular.

I didn't date much and when I did it was a disaster. I simply had no tolerance for the women I had been dating. Either they wanted me to date them exclusively or they wanted me to be there to stave off advances while they flirted with other girls. On several occasions, I was treated to the sights and sounds of two women getting it on in the back of my truck while I sat patiently in the front and watched. Once in a while, in gratitude for my 'understanding', I got a blowjob and even got laid if my date was so inclined. This 'gratitude' didn't happen with enough frequency to make the hassle worth it. It wasn't long before I started hanging with Johnny 24/7.

After six months Johnny rented a small apartment off base because he was tired of living in the barracks, though he suggested that I keep my barracks room as a back up for when we had to work late. He made it clear that I had to stay in the barracks at least once a week just to be seen coming and going occasionally. Otherwise, I practically lived in his apartment crashing on the futon in the front room, which served as a bedroom. The apartment was in a three level Victorian mansion, converted into three apartments. He took the top that no one else wanted due to the narrow access stairway. As a result it was dirt cheap and the utilities were cheap because in winter a wood burning stove heated the place nicely and in summer the heat never got too hot for an open window to fix. The main bedroom was set up in the turret tower typical of the Victorian era. It had one flat wall for the bed and three windows allowing a panoramic view of the trees outside, which provided both atmosphere and privacy. His apartment was a good 30-minute drive from base, located in a heavily wooded neighborhood and was a great weekend escape for us both.

I helped him move in and since neither of us had much of anything like furniture it was a short, easy job. He bought a California King sized bed and box spring the next weekend. Then he found an antique oak four poster bed with heavy, deep red velvet quilted curtains which deployed much like a canopy over the bed keeping the occupant or occupants warm on cold nights...before the advent of central heating. That same weekend we checked out several garage sales and located a 'Play pen style sofa' at one sale and we located a large screen television at another, which apparently was a divorce sale. The rest of the day we spent carting the sofa and television back to the apartment.

We settled in easily and lived quietly for the first month just getting used to the peace and quiet of the neighborhood. Johnny and I were both on the same duty section so we stayed on post when we had to. Sometimes we'd stay two or three days depending on the amount of work we had to do. Often enough it wasn't worth the time to drive 30 minutes only to sleep 3 hours and come right back. The second month went pretty much the same as the first except that he was kept at work more often than I, so I had the place pretty much to myself. Late one night in the third month Johnny came home very late. I was in bed and half asleep when he walked through the apartment. I drifted into a shallow sleep barely aware of the noise in his room and the gray light of a television being flipped on.

At 1 A.M., I woke up to a noise; half asleep, I couldn't place it. Johnny's door was cracked open.

Grey television light flickered through the opening. As I laid my head back on the pillow I heard a moan and recognized it as the noise that had woken me up. At first I thought Johnny was in pain, so I got up to check on him. As I got to the door, I stopped short. I saw that he had a porn movie playing on his TV, gay porn. Two men were fucking. The moans I had heard were from the television. Then Johnny moaned "Rich." I turned my head to see him sitting against his headboard stroking an impressive cock that was twice the width of his hand. "I want to fuck you...to make love to you...," he whispered. To my surprise, my cock sprang to life. He was writing a letter with his other hand. Moving my head further, I could see his face, his eyes were closed and filled with tears, which were streaming down his face. "Rich...how do I tell you I want you...?" he whimpered. Then I realized it was a letter, to me...a love letter..."I know I'll never have the guts to let you read this...but I have to release it from my soul...somehow.... or I'll go insane," he whispered to the paper.. He put his pen down and sobbed into his hand.

Then he started stroking his cock, slowly whispering my name, "Rich...oh Richard....please....God please let him know somehow...so I won't have to risk our friendship....let him know....please....let me love him....." He sobbed again. My heart went out to him, but I thought it wrong to open the door and intrude. I mean he was in a rather compromised position. My mind raced as the words he spoke echoed in my brain. I looked up as he grunted and came into a cloth which I later discovered was a pair of boxers he'd taken from the folded laundry pile, my laundry pile.

I waited a moment then turned away. As I turned, he placed the letter in a book and put it in his bookshelf. It was a Ken Follet book, 'Pillars of the Earth'. I made note of it and went to bed, only I didn't sleep, I didn't know how to feel about my roommate being in love with me. Then it struck me that I was being a little egotistical. Maybe 'I' wasn't the 'Rich' he was thinking of, but somehow I knew I was the one. Almost unconsciously I stripped my boxers off and began stroking my cock. As my hand awoke my cock, my mind screamed with delight at the idea that Johnny wanted to have sex with me, no... to make love to me.

I moaned as the thought of my mouth on his cock hit my brain, as he fingered my ass, as he fucked me, and came deep inside me. Sun broke through the window that next morning and woke me from the most deeply erotic dream I had ever had. My cock painfully swollen and red from a night of erotic dreams, I was backed up. My clock read 7:30 A.M. on Saturday, that was way too early to be up, but my cock was aching too much to sleep. Beating off was out of the question because I didn't have a door to close for privacy. As I lay in bed contemplating my options I heard John's door creak open and his foot steps shuffling on the carpet. A few seconds later he was banging around the kitchen making coffee. I remained in bed while my hard on settled down.

After a few minutes, I was able to stand and walk without pulling a groin muscle or be obvious but I remained engorged. Putting on my robe I walked into the kitchen and poured myself coffee. Johnny was already sitting at the table looking down. "You alright?" I asked gently. He nodded but didn't look at me directly.. Sitting down in a chair next to him I asked, "Are we friends?"

He looked at me, incredulous. "Yes, very much friends.. Why would you have to ask?" he asked sounding insulted.

I nodded understanding and said "I had this dream last night, but it wasn't like any dream I've had that I can remember and I want to tell you about it, but it's... it's... different. I'm rather embarrassed by it." He looked at me curiously. The dream I had had was indeed erotic and highly passionate but it was the first time I had ever had a gay sex dream. To make it more bizarre, Johnny had been my lover. I was, in that instant, aware that I would like Johnny and me to be together. In that moment, my heart was racing with fear, lust and curiosity.

I threw it to the wind. "I had a sex dream, a hot sex dream," I said, stopping as I felt my face flush red.

"So, I have sex dreams all the time," he said smiling.

"About other men?" I blurted.

He nearly dropped his coffee. "Other men?" he asked, clearly excited but trying to hide it, failing. I nodded reddening by the minute.

I let the shock of my confession sink in as Johnny stared. My face flushed hot as I began to regret opening my mouth. Nervous tension built up in my guts as second thoughts and doubts about what I'd heard began creeping into my mind. Countless scenarios flashed through my consciousness in that instant, each more disturbing than the last. Just as my heart was about to come out my throat Johnny said, "Yes, yes I have...quite often." My mouth dropped open at his candid 'matter of fact' tone he had taken in making the announcement.

Moving to the chair immediately next to me he asked, "W-who, who...hum...who were you with?" At that moment I leaned in on my elbows and stared into my cup but said nothing..

Moving closer he put his hand on my wrist and repeated the question, "Who was it?"

I looked up and asked, "You won't get angry?" He shook his head 'no' as slowly as he could and still acknowledge my concern. Taking a breath, steeling myself, I said, "It, was... you." I whispered the last word so softly I could barely hear it myself.

He sat back. "Who?"

I looked up at him and said, "It was you." His mouth dropped open.

Taking a calming breath, I sipped my coffee. "You aren't mad at me are you?"

He smiled grandly and said pleasantly, "No." He reached for his cup and pulled it close to him.

His hands were shaking. "Tell me about it," he said his voice excited. I was silent for a moment.

"What would you like to know about it?" I asked half knowing what he was looking for but still not quite sure enough to know.

"What were we doing?" he said leaning in close. "I want details."

The dream itself as I remembered it was disjointed and morphed from one scene to the next as dreams do. Taking a breath I start reciting what I had remembered, while staring into my cup.

"The first thing I remember was that I was sucking on your cock. We were outside; I don't know where... you were laying down under a tree somewhere private... alone... then we were in bed... I was face down..." My voice trailed off in embarrassment.

"You were face down? What was I doing to you?" he asked impatiently..

"You were kissing my neck... and you... you were..." My voice trailed off as I blushed in embarrassment.

His hand was gentle on my arm and slid up just a bit as he whispered, "You can tell me."

"Y-you were fucking me...then the sun hit me in the eyes and woke me up."

He sat back unable to suppress a smile. "Can you tell me what brought this on? I mean, dreams like that don't just happen, especially erotic dreams." I got up to pour myself more coffee I had an erection from the retelling of the dream and my ache was back in full force.

"I heard you last night. I woke up to some sound; then I heard you moan. Thinking you were in pain or something I got up to check on you. I was about to enter your room when I noticed the movie you were watching was the source of the moaning, but then I noticed you were writing a letter and crying." I paused to take in his reaction. He was not smiling anymore, but he wasn't angry either.

"I heard you say things about me and your prayer to God that I somehow find out and that you wanted to... to make love to me... ," I let my voice trail off because I didn't want him to think that I had deliberately intruded on his thoughts. He leaned in and stared into his cup.

"Yeah, I've written you hundreds of those...burned most of them. I never had the guts to let you know. I had hoped that eventually things might happen so that we'd be, you know, together."

I stared at him with growing affection. "God must have been listening," I said.

On impulse, I grabbed his wrist and said, "I've been with a man before." I paused and gulped because I had never confessed this to anyone because I was so afraid of what people might think.

He looked up in surprise "Sexually?" I nodded.

"He seduced me and knew what he was doing, too. We spent the weekend practically naked or the next thing to it." Johnny got up and filled his coffee cup.

"How long did you date?" he asked stirring is cup.

"I don't know that we considered it dating but we saw each other for two years before his parents moved away."

"Soooo... did you ever get together with anyone else?" he asked. I shook my head no.

"I never knew how to pursue it." I paused and sipped my coffee.

Then I added, "Until now."

"S-so you want to....umm..to...uhmm...get physical?" he asked.

"You might say that I'm willing to see where this goes," I said as a calm sensation came over me. He smiled a knowing smile and grabbed my hand, which was still wrapped around his wrist.

"I wrote you... letters. I'd like you to read them," he said in a shaky voice. I nodded agreement and he was up and gone before I had time to realize it.

When he returned he had a look of nervous apprehension as he held the folded letter to his chest. He looked at it then at me.

"They're.....well...very sexual. Maybe not as graphic as others I have written. You can read those later, if you want. Anyway, these say what I have always wanted to say...and do to you." His voice trailed off. "I never expected that you would read it......really" He paused then handed me the letter before sitting down. His hands were shaking; his entire body was shaking...in either anticipation, fear, a combination of both perhaps. As I unfolded the letter, he reached for my hand "Promise me one thing. If we.....can't be together, promise me that...that....you will still be my friend." He choked on the last words then continued, "I'd learn to live with that." I was touched and I nodded. He sat back and I proceeded to read the letter..

Rich

We were hanging out again tonight; just hanging out. How do I tell you how I feel? How do I tell you that I care for you, that I want you? For over a year now I've wanted to make love to you but I don't know how to tell you. Part of me is ashamed to feel this way for my friend but I have always wanted you. I have always wanted to touch you, fuck you; for you to suck me....I do hope you like doing that....when the day comes...I want to feel your tongue on me....your mouth on me...would you swallow? I don't know...and I don't care.... would you let me fuck you? I have imagined you laying under me...my cock buried inside you....I love your ass.....always have....I hope you understand....I want to fuck you, to cum inside you and share my essence with you. Love.

Look at me, I'm all about 'I', I, I in this letter, but you'll never read this will you? No. Since you won't be reading this I can be honest... Ok...I think I love you.....no...I do love you. Maybe not at first...I lusted after you for sure......but I didn't love you until I realized you were leaving...that is when it hit me...you were leaving...and I hadn't come out to you...so there wasn't any chance that I would get a chance to let you know...that I do love you....and how much. When you left life went to hell. I didn't want to live. No, no...I was not suicidal but I realized that I didn't want to live without you. Even if it meant I had to stay in the closet and be a friend only. Being near you as a friend is enough, at least I tell myself this every day, every night...especially when I sit in the door of your room and watch you sleep. Yes, I watch you sleep. Sometimes I lay next to you and pretend....well dream that you want me as much as I want you. Good night....love.

Rich

Me again. Just read that last part. Man...I've got it bad. You are in the shower now and I got a peek at that fucking hot body of yours again....God I wish you were gay....because right now...I'd throw your hot assed body on the bed...lube you up....and fuck you until I couldn't cum anymore....no preamble...no foreplay....I want my cock in your ass...I want to feel your buns touching my hips...to feel your hot body writhing in ecstasy.....to hear your voice....scream 'fuck me'. I wonder....would you beg? Would you like to have my cock in your ass? Would you like my cock in your mouth? Would you swallow?

Last night I lay on my back and imagined that you had surprised me....you were laying naked on the bed....you took my hand...and expertly sucked my cock......granted it was my imagination...but you did a fantastic job...you really did....and you swallowed my load.....of course we fucked...yes....I always fuck you in my dreams....in my dreams....how pathetic huh?...at least you are near me....but we did fuck...this time... you took charge....this time you lubed me....and mounted me like a horse...you took all of me...all 8" of me...and you took my load into your ass.....looking at me...the whole time.....you came too...yes...I wouldn't forget you......you shot your load......on my chest...I rubbed it into my skin....to absorb as much of you into my body as I could. God....why aren't you gay..?

Rich

Guess this is turning into a journal rather than a letter isn't it? Two letters in two days, this will be three. I have filled at least ten booklets writing letters to you. I've burned them to keep my secret, because I do not want to drive you away if you accidentally find these chicken shit letters.