Peter, June and the Whatevers!

Yeah, I'll admit it; I was sulking! Through a complete freak of nature, I'd captured the heart of the most beautiful creature in the world, and made her my wife! But then, her grandfather's empire had sneaked-up and snatched her away from me!

Nine months later, we weren't on speaking terms and the gossip columns were openly predicting an imminent divorce.

Some of them had the audacity to say, that "unnamed sources" close to June were suggesting that I'd only married June because of her impending inheritance. Bleeding cheek, before our nuptials I'd been completely ignorant of June's inheritance

As I've said, eighteen months after our wedding ceremony, it was all done and dusted! And -- until that unexpected materialisation in my bedroom -- I'd seen nothing of June (in person) since.

I had heard about her of course, on the TV, radio and in the newspapers. From the media reports I soon learnt that there were a whole collection of would-be suitors lining up to take my place. Film stars, millionaire businessmen, and even a few Peers of the Realm! Or Right Honourable -- soon to be -- Peers of the Realm anyway. Toffee nosed tossers, looking for some mug to finance their ancestral pile I figured!

Oh, June picked one of them, eventually; the wedding was all over the media. But -- that night -- I could not have told you his name. It had been upsetting enough seeing June on TV, cavorting around on red carpets on the arm of some slimy-git or the other. Once I heard the word wedding mentioned, I went out of my way... well, not to listen or watch anymore when her name was mentioned.

So that was roughly the situation that morning, when June suddenly appeared in my bedroom. Well it was still the middle of the night to be precise.

-------

"I'm not babbling lover; I'm trying to explain to you the unexplainable!" June replied.

"How did you get in here June and why aren't you wearing any clothes?" I demanded.

"Ah well, the no clothes bit was supposed to ... well, beguile you. You never could resist..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, the little brain used to do all the thinking, June!"

"I thought he was a nice little brain, I've never found one better anyway!"

"June, I'd prefer not to discuss any of your sexual adventures, if you don't mind. Now please tell me, how did you get into my house? You can't have a key, I changed all the locks after I found that tart from your office, wandering around the place."

"She isn't a tart, Peter. She is... was my personal assistant and she was collecting some of my belongings for me!"

"She was trespassing June! We were legally separated by that time and you'd moved into the London flat fulltime. If you required anything from the house, then you should have arranged collection of it through our legal representatives; you knew that! And by the way, you're trespassing now; so will you please explain just how you got in here?"

"I sort-of materialised, Peter!" June replied, with a very strange expression on her face. It was like she didn't really believe what she was telling me, herself.

"You simply materialised ... here, in my bedroom... naked... in the middle of the night? Pull the other one, June!"

"Ah now, you see, Peter, it's true! I did just... well, materialise. I knew this was going to be more difficult than they told me it would be!"

"Who said it would be? Are you sure quite that you're alright, June? I can call you a doctor, if you wish!"

"Oh Christ, Peter, I'm fine. But I'm not fine, if you understand me! Look, Peter, I know this might be hard for you to understand, but I'm dead, and I am not dead at the same time. Or would it make more sense to you, if I said that I'm dead but June is still alive right now. But I won't be alive in seven days time!"

"No, I wouldn't understand! But it does go a long way towards convincing me that you are need of a good doctor, June! Preferably a psychologist, I would suggest... A.S.A.P!"

"Okay, you've a right to be sceptical; but you watch this; if I can get it to work! This isn't easy you know, and they were a little on the brief side, when it came to explaining everything!"

"Who were?"

"They were the ... well, the whatever-they-are's, who run that place!"

"What place are you talking about, June?"

"Oh bugger, Peter; you just watch this!"

Then she screwed up her face and instantly June was standing before me, dressed in a tiny bra and a thong.

"Not quite what I was hoping for!" She said looking down at her newly materialised apparel.

The she screwed up her face again.

So suddenly, that I really didn't perceive it happening, June was dressed in what looked like an expensive black designer cocktail dress. Somewhat like that little black number, one always hears folks referring to.

"No, not really what I was after, either. I really need something that you'll appreciate, Peter!"

June screwed up her face for a third time and instantly she was standing before me wearing a pair of skin-tight jeans and a white blouse; not buttoned, but with the tails tied together bellow her breasts.

"Ah now, that's just the biscuit. Mind you, these jeans are so damned tight, I'm not sure I can even move in the things. There'd be no slipping these buggers off, in the back of the car, Peter!" she grinned.

Through the whole of the clothes changing... pantomime, -- well, what would you call it? -- I'd sat there in my bed unable to speak; totally mesmerised.

"I, er!" Was about the some total of my words, for the next five minutes or so.

But eventually I managed to fumble out, "How did you do that?"

"I don't really know, lover; it seems that everyone can do it when they are dead!"

"But if you're dead... Well, why are you here, June? What happened anyway; how did you come to be dead, in the first place?"

"Well Peter, if I knew that, I probably wouldn't be dead, would I? I'd have done something to stop myself becoming dead. So I suppose that I wouldn't be here, anyway. But, I'm not ... well, June isn't dead, in fact. Not yet anyway!"

"But you are June!"

"No, Peter, I'm June from next week sometime. Or maybe it would make more sense to you if I explained that I'm the dead June from next week, who shouldn't be dead and I've come back in time to ask you for your help in not becoming dead, in the first place!"

"This is all sounding a bit too much like a plot for a corny Hollywood movie to me, June!"

"Yeah, don't tell me; my thought's exactly. But please let me explain, lover?"

"What's with the lover, bit anyway?"

"Well that's how I've always remembered you, lover. And what we always used to call each other before..."

"Lets not go there, June; all that was over and done with, a long time ago! Now, you were going to explain?"

"Ah, yes, well. It's like this. Last Saturday night I was sitting at home with Frank..."

"Frank?"

"My husband, lover! I got married again; didn't you know?"

"Yeah, I think I heard; but I had no idea which mug you picked. There were so many of the buggers according to the media. Eventually, I stopped taking any notice."

"Well, that was a complete waste of time and effort then!"

"Pardon?"

Don't worry lover, but I was trying to make someone... Anyway, as you say that's all done and gone now. Anyway one minute I'm sitting down to dinner with Fra... my husband, and the next thing I recall, I'm standing in line behind a gigantic queue of people. Honestly it was worse than passport control at New York."

"I've never been to New York, June!"

"Don't bother, I'm not sure it's even worth all the hassle. Anyway, for some reason I know that I've got to wait my turn in the queue and eventually I arrive at one of the desks. There was this officious looking... well, I'm not quite sure what it was, but I'll call it a him for the minute. Anyway, he taps my name into a computer and then frowns at me.

"I'd watched him deal with the people in front of me, and usually after typing their names into that terminal, he'd give them a little coloured card, then send them on through one of the many doorways in the wall behind him.

"But when he typed my name into his keyboard, he just sat there staring between the screen and me, with a really big frown on his face. Then he said 'There's been some sort of mistake young woman; you should not be here, yet!' So I asked him where 'here' was, and why was I 'there' anyway?

"But before he/she or whatever-it-was could answer, another one appears, introduces itself as my guide... No name, he... it, just said 'I'm your guide, June!' and then he asks me to follow him... it.

"He led the way through a door into a great big room... Like a massive library, where all the walls were lined with shelves all the way up as far as you could see. Those shelves were stacked with thousands and thousands of dusty old ledgers.

"The guide whatever, takes me to another... er, whatever."

"June, either they were men or they were women; they must have been one or the other!"

"You wouldn't be saying that if you'd met any of them yourself, Peter; I can assure you of that! They were dressed like... Oh, I don't know, ancient Greeks or even Romans; in sort-of frock things ... you know, like that get-up Demis Roussos bloke used to wear on stage."

"Demis who?"

"Never mind, Peter! Anyway, they all had long wavy hair and talked in tones that left you wondering what gender they possibly could be."

"So they could have been either?"

"Or neither. I don't know, but I got the idea that they were neither one nor the other."

"Perhaps they were both? That would sure put an end to all this marriage lark, wouldn't it?"

"I'm pretty sure that they aren't of this world anyway, Peter!"

"Aliens or Angels?"

"Well, I never saw any wings or... You bugger; you're taking the rise out of me, aren't you?"

"June, Aliens, spirits, ghosts or whatever you like to call them. Yeah I can accept that there might be something in them. Aliens I somehow doubt. And where the other lot comes in... Well, you know that I'm an agnostic. A particularly sceptical agnostic, at that!"

"Well, I'm not. I've just been there, wherever it was, and those whatever-they-are's, were there alright. Anyway this... new whatever, he looks in one of these great big ledgers, and then he tells me that I'm dead, but that I shouldn't be! Then he's sends yet another one of them off to find out what's going on.

"I had to hang around for hours until that whatever eventually comes back and tells the first whatever, and my guide, that, not only am I dead; but my body is in no condition for me to be returned to it. Which I believe, must have been their first intention. That made me a might perturbed, I can tell you!

"Then the first whatever, told me it that now and again things happen in the world, that don't fit into the great scheme of things. It sounded to me like he was talking about a master plan, of some sorts. Anyway, he told me that according to the great ledger, I was not supposed to die for many years. He wouldn't tell me exactly how long I was supposed to have lived for; I did ask!

"But then he went on to say that it would appear that I had died and most likely, in someone else's place. In other words, someone else was supposed to have died instead of me! I got a little irate about that..."

"As you would, June! As anyone would!"

"Please stop messing around, Peter; this is serious. I'm dead and I shouldn't be! Well, I'm not dead yet! But I will be, if you don't stop me dying."

"Hold-up? How, am I supposed to stop you dying?"

"I really do not know Peter. The whatevers' just told me that you were my best chance of not dying if I could persuade you to help me."

"Ah, does that explain the nudity? What did you think; that I'd be overcome with lust or something?"

"Not exactly, but near enough. The sight of my naked body always used to... well, lets just say that we never argued very much, when I was naked."

"When we were both naked you mean, June! But I don't understand, why me? Surely your husband should be the one for you to turn to."

"There's just a slight little hitch there, Peter! According to the whatevers', before anyone can actually see me... well, they have to be in-love with me! And if there's one thing that Frank definitely isn't, then it's in-love with me. Well, he is in-love with my cash, but not my physical self."

"And what makes you think, that I'm still in love with you, June?"

"You can see me, can't you?"

I nodded.

"Then you're in-love with me Peter, and there's nothing you can do to hide the fact! You can see me, so that means that you're in love with me!"

"And these... whatevers, they told you that I'm still in-love with you?"

"Why else would I be here, lover?"

"I'm not sure that I believe any of this June. I think that maybe you've gone a little doolally or something. Are you sure that you wouldn't like me to call a doctor for you? I know, I'll call your husband and he can take you to see a nice doctor!

"Peter, you call Frank and he'd think you've gone doolally. June is probably in her room tucked up in bed at this minute. Remember, they've sent me back seven days in time so I can persuade you to prevent me from dying next weekend."

"Why can't they just do that themselves?"

"Because they are not of the Earth, Peter. They spend eternity... Well, doing whatever they do when they aren't checking-in dead people.

"Checking all these dead people into where, June?"

"Ah that, I don't know! Heaven I suppose. All I saw was that ruddy great arrivals hall and that library place."

"So, you and Frank have separate bedrooms?"

"Yeah, Frank was one big mistake. I think I was on the rebound and... well, we can't always get it right can we?"

"So that's two mistakes you've made. First you marry one loser, and then you find Frank?

"Hey, I never made a mistake in marrying you, Peter! My mistake was in not keeping you when I had the chance. Look, I was overwhelmed with my inheritance and... I'm sorry, I forgot what was important in life!"

"So then you go and marry, Frank!"

"Yeah well... Do you remember that film 'The Graduate', when Dustin Hoffman stood in the gallery and called out to the bride to be to run off with him?"

"Yes, but I don't see the..."

"Well, where the hell were you, Peter? I bloody stood at that altar praying that any moment I'd hear your voice. Or at least you'd be banging on the window or something."

"I had no idea, June. Well, public scenes like that ... they just ain't me; you know that!"

"Yeah I do! But a girl can dream, can't she?"

"I don't know about you dreaming. I still not convinced that I'm not dreaming all this codswallop myself!"

"Well, I can soon prove to you that you're not dreaming, Peter!" June said, as her clothes vanished again, and she began to close the gap between us.

But then, just as suddenly as she'd appeared in the first place, she was gone. No flash, bang, wallop or anything; June just wasn't there anymore!

I must have sat there for half an hour or so, playing over the events of the night in my mind. But eventually, I put the whole thing down as a particularly vivid and off the wall dream.

-------

I was at my usual morning haunt, tucking into a hearty English breakfast; when I suddenly became aware of the same... I don't know, aura, I suppose.

Whatever it was it, was the same sensation that had caused me to look towards the foot of my bed during the night. At almost the same instant June's voice said.

"You'll kill yourself, Peter; eating all that fried rubbish. It's not good for the heart, you know!"

Yep she was back. The other side of my table, back wearing that revealing blouse get-up and I assumed the same skin-tight jeans. June was sitting there smiling that wicked smile of hers at me again.

"Jesus, where did you spring from, June?" I asked.

"Same place I came from this morning. My guide was a little peeved with me, he... she, said that I can touch you, but there must not be any intimate contact, or hanky panky between us."

"Define intimate?"

"Sex, Peter."

"I wasn't intending to have sex with you this morning, June!" I exclaimed. Probably a little louder than I'd intended.

"Maybe you weren't; but I certainly was intending to have sex with you!" June grinned back at me. "And, I always win at that game remember? I think that little brain of yours, takes preference when he gets aroused."

I suddenly realised that I had become the centre of attention for the whole café. Almost everyone in the place was staring over at my table -- including the two waitresses -- all with bewildered expressions on their faces.

"Oh, they can't see me remember, Peter! So they probably think, that you've lost your marbles and taken to talking to yourself!" June said with that smile on her face, again!

That smile -- as enchanting as it always had been -- was just about beginning to annoy me a little. Whatever, I steeled myself not to reply to June again, until we were somewhere a little more private. I really didn't want the world to get the idea I'd gone completely bonkers.

But -- up to a point -- that proved to be a double-edged sword, especially when you remember that the one I was trying to ignore, is my ex-wife. And, that she had an agenda in mind!

June seemed to immediately understand what I was doing, and playfully sat there trying to provoke me into reacting to her presence again. But, I won that round in the end, when -- either sensing defeat or having become bored with the game -- June, vanished again.

I was in my office when she next paid me a visit; this time walking straight through the closed door. Somehow I'd sensed her approach and I had watched the spectacle. I also got in first with a jibe at her.

"Well now. That just goes to prove that your plans for this morning, would have come to nothing; doesn't it, girl?"

"Sorry?" June replied, looking lost.

"Sex June! A woman who can walk through doors! I wouldn't think anyone could have sex with someone with that... talent."

"Wanna take a bet. I can do all sorts of tricks, Peter; you just watch this!"

Then June took my jacket from its hanger on the wall and walked across the room with it. But when she came to the edge of my desk, she just walked right through it as if it wasn't there. But my jacket didn't pass through the desk; it ended up lying on top of it. Then I found myself, with a surprisingly heavy June sitting upon my lap.

"How about that, then? I can pass through whatever I chose to and still be solid to everything else." She grinned at me; then June kissed me on the forehead.

"That doesn't make much sense, June!" I found myself replying.

"Nothing about this situation makes any sense to me, Peter! Well, how can I be dead, and not dead at the same time? I'm here with you, and at this moment I'm also in a planning meeting, up in the City."

"Can't you just go and warn yourself that you're going to die on Saturday evening?"

"I wish I could, Peter. But they tell me that I... the June that's alive that is, wont be able to see or our hear me, because I am her, and I'm dead. It's something to do with the laws of time and space. I would be able to see and hear her, because she's in the real world, but I'm not really here... there... Oh, you know what I mean! But she wouldn't be able to see or hear me, because I'm part of her future. Do you understand any of that?"

"Clear as mud, June; clear as mud!"

"Yes, my sentiment exactly! Those... whatever's are very good at telling you things. But they aren't very good at explaining anything."

"So what's your master plan then, June. I assume that you do have one?"

"Well Peter, we know that I die sometime on Saturday evening, because I can recall eating dinner that night with Frank. So you drive down to the coast during the day on Saturday and then stick to me like glue all night. Then what ever happens, you will be able to step-in and save me."