Pirate's Paradox

Tony and Eric showed up at noon to pick up us for the 2:30 kickoff. There was Bevo boulevard, and their fraternity had a tailgate, just lots of stuff to do before kickoff. I wore a pair of Ellen's skinny jeans and one of her UT T-shirts, and a denim jacket and simple trainers. I had been to enough Texas games to know a lot of girls were going to out-dress me, but few would be as cute.

I thought I shot Rick down hard. Eric was kind of distant when he saw me. We hadn't even pulled away from the curb when he did his best to let me down softly.

"Listen, Riley. I like you. I really do. It's just not fair to start a relationship that can only last a few weeks. In six weeks, I'm moving to Houston, and you'll still be here finishing your senior year. I can't do that to you. Last night was so much fun."

How did he know I wasn't from Houston? We had told him I was visiting from out of town.

"You deserve someone you can go to homecoming with, or prom in the spring. Someone your own age that you can discover and explore with. I'm sorry. I knew better... You were just so damned sexy in that pirate costume. Even today."

Everything he said was true. I knew it, too. I had fought many of the same thoughts. At least I didn't have to tell him my secret.

"Maybe if you're still single when I graduate, I can go to school at Rice or UH. Six years isn't that big of a difference." I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"Something tells me you'll be off the market before me. You are something truly special. Some guy is going to see that and sweep you off your feet. You just wait and see."

There was something in the way he grinned when he said it. Almost like he had a secret that he wasn't going to share.

"I don't know. I don't have a lot of options back home."

"You might be surprised." He winked.

I probably had too many beers as the tailgate, and somehow Eric had smuggled a pint of bourbon into the game that we mixed in with our cokes. We destroyed BYU and went for dinner after. I didn't even try to order alcohol. One, because I was still buzzed from the game, and two, I didn't want to get carded and have to explain the difference on my license.

When we got back to the house, Eric walked me to the door while Ellen and Tony made out in the car. He even held my hand as he walked me up the steps.

"Riley, um, can I have one last kiss? Just to remember you by."

"I'd like that. I'm glad I met you. You helped me figure out a lot of things in just the short time we had."

I closed my eyes and let him press his soft lips to mine. I didn't want to let him go. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I sucked his tonsils from his throat. He slipped his arms around my waist and did the same to me.

"Can I ask you something?" Eric whispered as our lips parted.

"Sure, anything." I didn't want to let him go.

"Last night, on the swing. Why did you kiss me? That first time."

"I guess I wanted to piss Rick off."

"Why would he matter? You just met him."

Once again, I answered without thinking. Lost in the moment's intimacy, I just told the truth; a truth I didn't ever know myself. "Because he pisses me off all the time. Teasing me. Making fun of me. He's so nice to everybody else and treats me like shit. It's like he's intentionally pushing me away, when all I ever wanted was to be his friend, to be close to him."

"I thought so." The way he smiled and shook his head told me he knew everything.

"When. Um, when did you figure it out?"

"Just now. Don't worry, Raylin, your secret is safe with me. Both of them." He gave me another peck on my lips and left me standing there.

Mortified by what I'd just admitted, I just stood there trembling as he walked back to the car.

"Ray-ray, are you ok?" Ellen found me still standing there with a blank look on my face. "Did Eric say something? Did he hurt you?"

"No." I whimpered. "On top of everything else that's happened this weekend, I think I like Rick, boyfriend like. I kissed Eric to make him mad. Ellen, what am I going to do? I can't like Rick like that. Not him."

"I think there's ice cream in the freezer. It always helps me. Go get cleaned up and put something comfy on. I'll meet you in the den."

I don't know why I did it, but I left my makeup and my forms on. The panties Ellen loaned me were comfy, too. So, I kept them on as well. Pulling on a tank top that didn't do a very good job of hiding my fake boobs and a pair of pajama bottoms, I went to join Ellen on the sofa for ice cream. Knowing her, we'd probably end up watching some cheesy rom com.

"Erric figured it out." I plopped down next to her, accepting the spoon she offered. We were going to share the half gallon of Ricky Road she had found.

"How? You were so convincing."

"He asked me why I kissed him the first time. I told him the truth, that I did it to piss Rick off. Then I added a bunch of stuff about how all I ever wanted was to be close to Rick. I kissed Eric because I wanted Rick to want to kiss me. Ellen, does that mean I'm like gay or something? I'm just so confused by all of it."

We talked and ate ice cream, laughing at the silly parts of the movie. Neither one of us knew what to make of all that had happened since we showed up at that party. All I knew for sure was I enjoyed being pretty. I was about fifty-fifty on how I thought I felt about Rick. I mean, he was a bully. Everything I had said to him was true. So why did I want him to kiss me like Eric had? Why did it piss me off so much when he teased me about my name?

"Hey, guys. What are you watching? How did the party go? Was Jack. Sparrow. A. Hit... Ray?" My dad's voice slowed down as he spoke. The way he said Ray was a massive question.

"Hey, dad." Ellen and I said it in unison.

"Is that nail polish on your toes?"

Fuck. My life was over. How did I get out of this? It never occurred to me he would come home early. He was supposed to be on the East coast until Wednesday. Plenty of time to hide all the evidence and come up with a good story for what I kept.

"Just show him." Ellen nudged me and whispered.

"They messed up my costume. Maybe I should just show you."

"OK." He sounded like he was even more confused than he had been a few seconds ago.

Ellen helped me change and took the letter down for my dad to read. When I came downstairs, he spewed the drink he was drinking across the room. "What the fuck? Ray, is that really you?"

"I thought it would shut up that bully Rick from school. It was supposed to be a big joke, a prank."

"You wore THAT to a party?" I knew what he meant. I mean, my ass was hanging half out of the back of the skirt, and the bustier made my modest fake boobs look huge.

"Yeah." The way I said it was as much of a question as it was an answer. Like I was asking his permission or something.

"And how did that go?"

"Actually, really well. But I don't think you're going to like what that means." I grimaced and shifted from one foot to the other. One rule we had was no lies. We trusted our dad, and he trusted us.

"Ray, what did you do, and do I need another scotch?" This time, he chuckled at the absurdity of the situation. His eighteen-year-old son was wearing the sexiest female pirate costume, possibly on the planet, and that wasn't the worst of it.

"Can I have one, too?"

"That bad?" I just nodded. He poured me one and one for Ellen, too.

Just like with me, it wasn't the specifics of what I did; it was the potential fallout. It was the reason I had done it that made it so dramatic. Point blank. I enjoyed being pretty, people seeing me as a girl, and I liked boys at least as much as girls, possibly more. I'd never kissed a girl, so there was no comparison. Sure, I enjoyed looking at them. I also knew I didn't ogle them like my friends did.

Boys, though, I had to avert my eyes all the time in the shower. I usually waited until everyone else had finished before I showered, just in case I had an obvious reaction. It was always just something I did until right now. I always thought everybody was like that. I thought other guys were just better at controlling it than me. And Rick; he was an Adonis among boys.

"So, since Friday, my son has figured out he likes to cross dress, is maybe trans, and possibly gay? That's a lot. Who needs another drink?" Ellen was fine. My dad and I needed doubles. It was a lot, and it was all true.

The three of us talked until well after midnight, going over the details and options again and again. Best case, I was a bisexual cross dresser, worst case, I was gay and transgender and wanted to be a woman. Best and worst weren't qualitative like good or bad, they were more degrees of severity or complexity.

Me being bi and a cross dresser was simple. I just had to be careful when and where I explored my options. Being transgender, though. That was life changing. I would want therapy. Then I'd have to decide when and how to come out. The same was true for the gay option.

We reasoned it would be easier to deal with gay if I was also trans. Girls usually like boys, right? In today's world, even if I was just a cross dresser, being gay wasn't as bad as it had been when my dad was my age.

The way my dad worked through each issue was impressive. I could see why he was such a good salesman. Every issue had an eventual solution, every question an answer. We just need to work together to find them.

The bottom line was I needed answers that only I could find. We were going to get me a therapist for the gender issues, but I'd have to figure out the sexuality on my own. My dad was also pragmatic. He'd made the same deal with Ellen when she started dating Tony. No lies, use protection, and be safe. Evidently Tony had spent the night in Ellen's room several times and I'd just never figured it out.

We had gone over everything at least three times. I was slightly drunk again, and very tired, so I gave Ellen a hug and my dad a kiss on the cheek. It just felt like the girl thing to do, and headed upstairs to go to bed.

"Ray, one last thing. If you're going to wear that costume, get some tights, please." He could see straight up my skirt. The thing didn't hide anything.

Well, some secrets must be ok. There was no way he knew about Ellen's witch costume.

"Sure, dad." I grinned. Maybe I would. Maybe I wouldn't.

I stripped off the costume and climbed into bed wearing nothing but the little black thong Ellen had loaned me for it. It was almost one in the afternoon when she woke me up. "Ray-ray. Rick's here. He wants to talk to you. He's with dad in the living room."

"What?" I tried to clear my head. "What's Rick doing here, and why does he want to talk to me? Did he not have enough fun ridiculing me on Friday? Does he need to come here to do it, too?"

"I don't know, Ray-tray. He looks different, humbled even. Maybe what you said Friday made a difference."

I rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom, grabbing a T-shirt and a pair of shorts before heading downstairs to see what he wanted.

"You can't go down there like that." Ellen stopped me at the top of the stairs, leading me back to her room where she did some stuff to my face. She wiped some stuff off and replaced it with something else. Still half asleep, I didn't even think about me still wearing makeup or my breast forms.

"Be nice." Was all my dad said when he passed me in the doorway to the living room.

"Rick, what do you want?" That was about as nice as I was going to get with the history we had and the way I felt.

"Maybe start over. I'm sorry. All of it, the teasing, the jokes, the ridicule; I'm sorry. Someone told me some things on Friday that really hit me hard. I think you know what they were. I had a long talk with Tony and Eric after the party, and a longer one with my parents while you guys were at the game. Raylin, I was a jerk, and you didn't deserve it. So, yeah, if you can find it in you to forgive me, I'd like to start over. If not, I understand, and I'll leave you alone."

I just stared at him, confused. He had talked to Tony and Eric, his parents. He talked to his parents while we were at the game. Wait, how would he know I was at the game? He talked to Eric. Damned Eric told me he wouldn't tell anyone. Fucking asshole.

"Can we sit down, please? Just sit and talk. I think we have a lot to talk about."

"Like what? What did Eric tell you?"

"This morning. Before he went back to his apartment, he told me you kissed him to piss me off. That all you ever wanted was to be my friend. That's when I knew I had to come over here and talk to you.

"Then how did you know I went to the game?"

"That's what we need to talk about. He also told me you felt like I was intentionally pushing you away. Raylin, I was. I knew it was you the minute I saw you and Ellen walking up the drive. How could I not? I recognized your walk, the way you swing your left arm a little funny. Then there were your eyes, your smile when you shot me down. I'd recognize you in a burka."

"What? Rick, what are you saying?"

"That I have wanted to be with you since the first day I saw you. Rylin, I just didn't know what to do about it. I'm the captain of the golf team and the tennis team. I'm not supposed to like guys, but I can't stop thinking about you. So, yeah, rather than admit I might be gay or something like that, I did everything I could to make you hate me so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Then you show up Friday in that pirate costume and read me the riot act in front of everybody." He looked on the verge of tears.

"I deserved every word, all of it. I made myself damaged goods so you wouldn't want me. Then Eric told me it was all you wanted, and I broke. My mom and dad don't care if I'm gay. Tony claims he already knew. Did you know I used to hang out in the lockers so I could watch you shower after everybody else left?"

"Rick, stop. This is too much. I don't know what to do with all this." I let everything he had just told me sink in. We must have sat there looking at each other for thirty minutes.

"Can I get you guys some tea or a soda or something?" My dad came in to break the tension.

Rick got a root beer. I got a Coke.

"Just tell me you didn't jerk off. Please tell me you weren't jerking off to me in the shower." I started laughing. Rick's face turned crimson. "Holy fuck, Rick. This is so messed up. You really took it out and rode the pony while I was taking a shower?"

"You know the only difference between the body I saw in the shower and the one Friday night that every guy at the party wanted to ravage? It's the fake boobs you're still wearing. Well, you were naked in the shower, but you get my point. So, your turn. How long has this been going on? You dressing and wearing makeup? I like the haircut, buy the way."

"They sent me the wrong costume. I was so afraid of you teasing me for wearing the same one I wore last year. I just went for it. Kind of a joke. More specifically, a prank on you. The more dressed I got, the more I liked it. The way people looked at me and reacted to me was electric. Then you came out onto the porch. I kissed Eric and everything changed. Did you know I showered last just so I don't have to look at the other guys? I honestly thought all guys got excited, and they just handled it better than me."

"So, you like guys, too?"

"I know I enjoyed kissing Eric, and I loved how mad you got when I did it. It was kind of like I was finally getting your attention, the right attention. You were jealous. I felt it. I think I liked that more than kissing him."

"So, what next?"

"I don't know, Rick. This is a lot."

"Why don't we do this? You go get dressed. We can go get some lunch and just talk. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, then at least we know."

It made sense. I nodded and got up to go change. "Raylin or Riley?"

"They're the same to me. Just wear what you feel comfortable in."

I chose the same skinny jeans I'd worn to the game and borrowed a tight-fitting Henley sweater from Ellen. My sneakers and denim jacket, and I was ready to go. I noticed Ellen had fixed my makeup rather than removing it. Even with the shaggy pixie cut, it worked. I had to borrow a purse from Ellen, which meant she had to teach me what went in one. I balked at the condoms.

"I'm, um, going out with Rick for a while. We have some more things to talk about. I just didn't want you to worry." I found my dad in his office.

"You're sure?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

"I have some answers to find, right?"

"Be safe." He smiled and nodded.

My dad was right. I had answers I needed to find, and going out as Raylin and as a girl, with my boobs and makeup, would help answer one of them. Going out with Rick was a step toward answering another.

The Rick I went to lunch with was so different from the one I'd known for the past year and a half. He was funny and kind. His sense of humor was a little dry and sometimes sarcastic, but it wasn't mean or too biting. Mostly, it was just funny, and I laughed more than I had in a very long time. I was understanding why he was so popular, why he got so many dates.

"You know, I was going to tease you mercilessly when I saw you in that costume. I just knew when I asked Ellen about her loser brother, you'd cower and run off to hide. Then you shot me down, and I didn't know what to do." He answered a question that had been bothering me since we started talking. "I spent the entire night trying to get back on balance and you kept knocking me off again. Then you eviscerated me in front of everybody. I cratered."

"I was a bit of a bitch. I'm sorry I was so brutal."

"Don't be. I deserved it. You should have heard what Tony said. You went easy on me." He laughed. "I didn't even realize I had treated other people like that, too. It was becoming part of who I was. That's why the last three or four girls I dated dumped me. I was a jerk. I made this waitress cry and Sarah Evers got up and left me in the restaurant."

"Ok, new deal. No more talking about stuff like that. I like this Rick and I don't want to be reminded of the old one." It was true and saying it gave me a warm feeling inside.

"Good, because I think I'm liking the new Raylin, too. She's a lot more confident than the old one."

'She.' I smiled and took a bite of my sandwich.

What started as lunch turned into an expedition. We went to the mall, and I tracked down some faux leather leggings to go with my pirate costume. I decided my dad was right. Besides, the more time I spent with Rick, the more I thought I might have someone else who might think other guys looking at my bare ass was an issue.

We walked in the park for a bit and fed some ducks before it got chilly, and I asked him to take me home.

Those few moments were perhaps the most awkward in my life. We stood there on the front porch looking at each other, neither one of us knowing quite what to say.

"Um, I guess I should..." Rick didn't finish his sentence. I reached out and took his hand in mine, biting my lip and looking at him with a worried expression.

"Rick, um, I had a really nice time. I'm glad you came over, that we got to talk." Dammit, aren't guys supposed to know how to do this? Rick should, anyway. He'd been on lots of first dates. I squeezed his hand a little, hoping he'd get the hint.

"Me, too. I wish I'd done this sooner." I could see the desire in his face. He was just afraid.

"You can kiss me if you want." Shit, the butterflies in my stomach were massive. Shifting from one foot to the other, I waited for what felt like eons. It was probably only a second or two while he regained his composure.

"I'd like that." He smiled that same crooked smile I had noticed Friday night and leaned in toward me. Closing my eyes as our lips met, the butterflies burst free, surrounding us as my soul melted. This is what a kiss was supposed to be. I slipped my arms up around his neck and kissed him back, the energy of our kiss surging through my body, filling me to my toes.