Porn Reviews, Inc.

Nowadays, Ona Zee spends more of her time producing and directing adult films than starring in them. One of her early efforts in this venture wasStrippers, Inc. 1-4 for VCA Pictures. The series revolved around a strippers-for-hire business owned by a philandering husband (Jon Dough) and his wife (Ona Zee), and all the backstabbing and fucking that goes on behind the scenes. The entire run was produced and directed by Ona Zee and her swinging husband, Frank. I’ve heard that Ona’s series of bondage films are good and that she makes a great dominatrix. If that is the case, then Ona’s knowledge of film production and direction has grown since these four schlock-filled movies.

Strippers, Inc 1; starring: Ona Zee, Sarah Jane Hamilton, Sindee Cox, Niki Sinn, Lana Sands, Melissa Hill, Randy West, Jon Dough, Jordan Lee, Tim Lake, Nick East, London, and E.Z. (I do not make these names up) Ryder.

The first thing I noticed about this film, and the rest of the series, is that the sound levels are screwed up. The fuck scenes can be annoying in their volume, whereas the “plot” scenes are sometimes barely audible. What really stinks is that lots of dirty talk between the stars is lost to shoddy sound editing or blaring dubbed music.

A brunette and her ugly breast tattoo step out of the back door of a strip club into a dirty alley. We know it’s a dirty alley by the useless shots of empty vodka bottles and condoms on the ground. Nick East and London (the man named after a town) walk up, and without a word, she starts blowing them. Nick East appears lifeless throughout this scene, and London looks like a drag queen (and with a name like “London,” you have to wonder). There’s some double penetration, which I think was thrown in to show fans how this series was going to wild and hardcore because Frank and Ona Zee are in charge. It doesn’t work.

Next we see Sindee Cox and Melissa Hill doing some tag team stripping on a cheap stage made of plywood and linoleum. There is far too much whistling from the peanut gallery and the music is AWFUL for stripping (a problem in all four films). It sounds better suited to a Fox TV promo. Ona decides to hire them for Strippers, Inc., sounding more evil than seductive as she does so. Sarah Jane Hamilton, a delectable cutie who looks not unlike Cyndi Lauper in her hey-day, wants a job stripping but her husband E.Z. Ryder (who looks like Woody Harrelson fromNatural Born Killers) wants her to work at the bowling alley. In walks Jon Dough not ten seconds after Ryder leaves for work. Dough wants Sarah Jane to work for Strippers, Inc. This “interview,” of course, leads to them screwing in the kitchen without much protest from her. She doesn’t look comfortable giving deep throat, but she does have a nice squirting orgasm much to Dough’s surprise. This is affair number one for Dough’s character.

Sindee and Melissa decide to work for Ona so they won’t get evicted from their house with an in-ground pool (which curiously looks like the outside of the home where Jon Dough and Sarah Jane just got done screwing). The two ladies decide to fuck to celebrate their new job, and somewhere a samba band kicks in with inappropriate music. The scene is too short, as they are obviously into each other, and there’s some good vibrator treatment for Melissa. Sindee also has a weird tattoo on her back. At one angle it looks like a snake, and at another it resembles a piece of cantaloupe. Jon Dough then auditions Lana Sands, who wears red fetish gear and dances to some weird children’s TV show music. She’s a terrible dancer, but Dough claims she’s “a natural.” Jordan Lee, who can barely walk in her fetish heels, is sent to dance for Tim Lake, but she breaks down and cries about how she’s humiliated and has an engineering degree that is going to waste. He comforts her by eating her pussy. She says nothing about the wedding ring on his hand. He’s in her ass in a manner of moments, and there’s an ass-to-mouth facial. While he showers, she steals his wallet.

Randy “flabby ass” West and Niki Sinn are two new dancers for Ona and Jon. Their “new routine” is laughable, as West can’t dance and he looks horrifying in a thong. Niki’s deep throating skills, however, are admirable. He drills her on the couch, and I could’ve sworn she yelled, “Fuck me, fat ass!” at one point. The film ends with Tim Lake calling in a complaint of robbery!

Strippers, Inc. 2; starring: Ona Zee, Mike Horner, Tiffany Million, Sindee Cox, Kaitlyn Ashley, Tina Tyler, Melissa Hill, Steven St. Croix, Jon Dough, Jay Ashley, Alex Sanders, and Amber Woods.

A cute girl in purple is stripping on the poorly crafted stage, and out comes Alex Sanders in a leopard print thong to ruin everything. We’re suddenly in Amsterdam, because he goes down on her in front of everyone. Everyone must be shocked because the crowd is silent. There’s some dubbed moaning, and she seems to be enjoying herself, but the keyword there is “seems.” While giving the facial, Alex looks like he’s being stabbed.

Ona and Jon have a meeting with potential investors Steve St. Croix and Jay Ashley. The two guys like the look of “Alexus,” who we see dancing on stage for far too long. Tiffany Million comes out next and she and her wedding ring do a much better job, but she storms off after getting only 75 bucks from the crowd. She gives “Alexus” the “I was a star while you were in high school” speech, and Alexus (who appears to be high) tries to make it up to her. Tiffany enjoys having her pussy eaten by Alexus, and there’s some nice hair pulling involved. There is too much LOUD dubbed moaning in this scene. There’s a hot spot when Tiffany sandwiches a vibrator between her nipple and Alexus’ clit while the two women French kiss. Tiffany gets a thrashing orgasm from the deal. This scene is better than all of the scenes in Part One.

Randy West tells Melissa Hill that Sindee Cox is holding her down, and if she were into men it would help with her career. He tries to convince her to give the guys a little play now and then. She laughs like a kung fu movie villain at his attempt to get her into bed (I thought she was ridiculing his bad acting), but screws him just to prove that she can do it. She looks good giving head, but he looks like an ogre with his awful, curly mullet. She enjoys a sweaty doggie-style fuck, whereas Randy looks ready to have a stroke. There is also too much “ass cam” in this scene. Directors need to ban extended use of this technique from all films. Show us the girl’s face, or better yet, full body shots of both partners. Sindee, of course, walks in and sees all this before storming out.

Tiffany, “Alexus,” and Sindee want to complain to Ona about trouble in Stripper Land, so Ona sends Kaitlyn Ashley (who looks like a friend of mine) to keep Steve St. Croix and Jay Ashley busy. What better way to do that than a gangbang? It’s a funny scene, because she walks in and lays a huge kiss on Steve. He genuinely looks surprised. They sound like cavemen as the giver her some DP action, and she’s cute with her glasses on, but the camerawork isn’t the greatest in this scene. The shots are badly framed, and we miss some good action.

Mike Horner shows up with an arrest warrant for Jordan Lee. He tells Ona that if she’ll send some dancers to a retirement party for his captain, he’ll give her twenty-four hours to clean up the mess. Meanwhile, Jon Dough fucks “Alexus” in an attempt to get her to stay with the business and not move away with Tiffany Million. It’s a yawner of a final scene. Ona, however, sees her husband’s second affair all on closed-circuit video! It makes her mad enough to break a pencil in two! Gasp!

Strippers, Inc. 3; starring: Serenity, Seth Damien, Christina West, Melissa Hill, Jordan Lee, Kimberly Kyle, Jon Dough, Mike Horner, Randy West, Alex Sanders, Nick East, Jonathan Morgan, and Ona Zee as the Beaver.

Good on her word, Ona sends Jordan Lee and some skanky blond to dance for Mike Horner and his cop buddies. In typical “Internal Affairs wet dream” fashion, they smear whipped cream all over the girls and swap ice cubes with them. “Later that night,” Nick is fucking the skanky blond and Mike is fucking Jordan Lee – whom he is investigating for theft. Seeing Nick East as a cop makes me wonder if he was playing a cop in Part One, working with London the Undercover Drag Queen. He looks sickly in this scene, and he is semi-flaccid, so perhaps he caught syphilis from the whore in the alley. This scene has too many slow motion shots and the annoying Ass Cam returns. Mike and Jordan have fun, but Nick and his girl with way too much make-up seem to phone it in.

Jordan apologizes to Mike for stealing the wallet. She’s trying to pay her way through school. Some of this scene is inaudible because someone off-set seems to be running a vacuum cleaner. Mike offers to buy Jordan dinner (and make the IA cops even happier). He gets a page and heads back to work.

Next, we’re at the home of Tiffany “uncredited” Million and “Alexus,” where we discover Alexus has been murdered! Mike Horner shows up to work the case, and Jon Dough and Ona Zee bring in their bad acting to make sure everything is in place. Jon and his bad mullet are questioned about their affair with Alexus, and Jon tells Mike that he has something at the mortuary that he needs to see. Huh?

Meanwhile, Ona tells Jonathan Morgan that she’s sick of her husband’s trysts and wants Morgan to buy out Jon’s interest in the company. She convinces him by sitting on his lap and giving him lots of dirty talk. However, you can barely hear anything they are saying. This sucks, because Ona is a great dirty talker. The soundman on this film should’ve been kicked in the nuts. At the mortuary, Jon Dough engages in affair number three and screws a (live) girl in a coffin. It’s a rote scene and Mike shows up saying, “I hope this isn’t what you wanted to show me.” I feel the same way. I could’ve done without it. They should’ve just let Tiffany Million fuck everyone in the cast for the length of the film.

Back at Strippers, Inc., Melissa Hill, Randy “chubby mess” West, and Alex “with fake Italian accent” Sanders show up for dance rehearsal. Melissa dances to music that is horrible beyond description, and her act is trite. The following gangbang is obligatory, and has more bad camera work. I don’t want to see Alex Sanders’ face. I want to see Melissa Hill’s looks of pleasure. He does give her a big facial though. This scene could’ve been better if they kicked Randy West out and brought Tiffany Million in to take his place.

Mike confronts Ona on her being a suspect in Alexus’ murder. Jon had the video tape of the affair with him at the mortuary (where, we learn, he was planning Alexus’ funeral). She’s taken to the jail; which apparently is in a skyscraper, judging from the establishing shot of the building. There, she shares a cell with Serenity and Jill “uncredited” Kelly. Isn’t that every prisoner’s dream? She watches them fuck. Serenity is wearing steel-toed boots and a cute red bra. Jill has a white nightie and a necklace. Both outfits are normal jail-issue, I’m sure. There are good close-ups of Serenity eating Jill’s box and she does a yogic shoulder stand while Jill is eating her. The shots of Jill’s tongue on her are wonderful. Ona looks bored as they 69 and engage in a healthy muff grind. The film ends with Ona offering them a job.

Strippers, Inc. 4; starring: Tyffany (yes, spelled incorrectly in the credits) Million, Jordan Lee, Seth Damien, Serenity, Kimberly Kyle, Dallas, Holly Body, Jon Dough, Mike Horner, Johnathan (also spelled incorrectly) Morgan, Vince Voyeur, Tom Chapman, E.Z. Ryder, Tony Tedeschi, and Ona Zee.

Jon Dough decides to console Tiffany Million by fucking her in the room where her lover was killed. This is affair number four. He gets good, slippery head, but she gets timid cunnilingus. Again, too much Ass Cam and not enough Tiffany.

After Ona is bonded out by Jonathan Morgan, she offers Jon Dough seventy thousand dollars to leave the company. He’ll have none of that, and pledges to ruin her business. Ona leaves to watch the auditions by Serenity and Jill Kelly. Both women look great, but their routines go on for far too long. Serenity shows off her flexibility, and is obviously a better dancer than Jill. Not wanting to break tradition, the music is terrible. No stripper in her right mind would choose it.

The two ladies head for the showers, where Tony Tedeschi and Seth Damien are waiting. In his typical subtle fashion, Tony asks, “Wanna screw around?” Jill bonks them while Serenity watches (she was still only doing girl-girl scenes at the time). Jill has fun with the guys, but Seth looks bored and Tony looks in pain as he’s fucking her in the wheelbarrow position. We get more amateur camera work, and not enough Jill Kelly and her perfect nipples being double-teamed.

Ona visits Jonathan Morgan to tell him that her husband won’t budge. He comes up with a plan to force him to lose all the girls he’s contracted to dance for him. Ona worries about “Katherine,” however. Morgan says he can guarantee that Katherine will come aboard, because he’s fucking her! It turns out that Katherine is the skanky blond from Part Three. Ona finally gets some action as she and Morgan double up on Katherine. It’s the most hardcore scene in all four films. Ona is in dominatrix mode, calling Katherine a whore and shoving dildos in the woman’s puss and ass. She barks commands like a sergeant and Katherine obeys every one. Morgan tries some dirty talk of his own, but it comes off as lame compared to Mistress Ona yelling, “Take it! Take it! You’re a nasty whore, aren’t you? Take it!” Katherine gets a big dildo and Morgan’s cock in her pussy at the same time, much to her naughty delight. After this hardcore fucking, however, we get a slow motion tit shot. Where’s the nasty facial?

E.Z. Ryder arrests Jon Dough for soliciting assault. Mike Horner learns that Jordan Lee may be the person who murdered Alexus, because he finds a mysterious notebook in Jordan’s car. At the club, Vince Voyeur screws a cutie in the backroom while they watch Katherine dance. Katherine leaves to loud applause, but the cute girl is too busy fucking to take her place on stage. No one in the audience seems to care, however, as they are now stone silent. The cute girl gets some anal action, and I would’ve loved to see her face while this was happening, but we can’t have that!

Jordan, dressed like she should be in a Poison video, and some big (natural) - titted brunette, wearing a prom dress, have sex in the dressing room. It could’ve been a great scene, because they’re hot for each other and it has some fun toy play; but it’s poorly edited and far too short. The movie ends with Ona teasing Jon as he stands in his cell. “To be continued…” Ona promises. Egad! Why? Don’t torture us anymore!

I wouldn’t count on these movies for titillation, or much of anything else. Tiffany Million steals the show in most of the films, even when the people she’s with aren’t doing much of anything. The four films could’ve been cut to two with better editing, scripts, performances, catering, and every other damn thing on the list. Unless you’re a hardcore Ona Zee fan, stay away. Rent something else.