Posole: Pork Butt Love

Ever heard of Posole? Mexico's unheard of national dish (everyone thinks "mole' is their national dish....too much "Food Network" B.S. They are wrong. Posole is everywhere).

Baby, you have some time to burn today? Raining and windy...kinda shitty outside. You like it when I call you baby, don't you. Hand on your cheek.

This will take a bit of time, but it is THE BEST FUCKING THING I MAKE. I lived in New Mexico for 8 years. Went to the University there. My old girlfriend's mom showed me how to make this....although I've simplified the recipe. To tell the truth, her mom was kind of sexy. OK .... Hot Latina Momma, 45-ish, flirty, with the swinging hips and those full lips always with the red lipstick and the bubble butt and that rack of hers swinging under her blouse ..... I had quite a few fantasies about her. Never had a chance, though, her being married and vanilla and catholic and all. Pretty much had a boner 24/7, though, between the foxy daughter and thinking about her mom.

No, sir, I never thought about mom while having sex with the daughter! I am a gentleman! You, sir, are a cad!

Thanks for this posole recipe, and the memories, Mrs. Lopez! Still thinking of you in that skirt you used to wear in the kitchen. I've thought of you at least once a week, for the last 25 years! Tube of lube and tissue always nearby.

I have had Mexican friends tell me this is the best posole they've ever had. I make it thicker than is traditional, more of the corn......but not a single person has ever NOT loved this. Yes, I'm getting sort of "cocky". Yes, I like saying "cocky".

Stop rolling your eyes.

OK, I say to you .... we'll play "dealer's choice". If you eat this and you can honestly say you do not love it, or if you even say that it is "great", you get to choose what we do after dinner. On the other hand, if you just HAVE to admit that this is one of the best fucking things you've ever put into your mouth, I choose. And you will be putting something else in your mouth, young lady, trust me. Tied to a chair. My hand on the back of that pretty little head....did I ever tell you I love it when your hair is down and a little messy....Shit! I've gotta focus here!

Crack open a bottle of red, babe, I'm gonna need a little help. BTW, there's no way to make a "little posole", so you're taking some home to your husband and daughter.

(Sorry.....just had to throw that in, I know you're not married, and you don't have kids. Hey, this is my fantasy world......why do you look so much like Mrs. Lopez in 1988?)

Back to reality.

I give you four large onions to chop....not too fine .... and 8 large cloves of garlic to chop, fine chop. We might need more garlic, we'll see later. No, it is not all going into the posole....I've gotta make red chili sauce. No, it won't be too spicy. But it's gonna be FUCKING AWSOME.

OK, I'll try to tone down the whole "caps" thing. It's annoying.

I break open a bag of Guajillo chilies. Yes, I just so happened to have this in my pantry. No, I did not know we would be doing this today. No, I did not watch the Weather Channel yesterday. Yeesh.

(Thanks again, Mrs. Lopez!)

I stem the chilies, I split them open, easy as they are dry and crunchy. I remove the seeds and veins. That's the spicy part...the seeds and veins. You make a cute little joke...maybe you're "choice" will include those seeds placed in my what??? You're such a tease, Mrs. Lopez! Errrr...I mean, you!

For the "pepper heads" out there: keep some of the seed intact if you want some heat. I do, when I'm not feeding wimps.

I bring a pot of water to "hot and steaming"...not boiling! That will make them bitter! We seep the chilies. That means you let them sit in the hot water (yeesh) .... 10 minutes tops. We put them in a bowl of cool water...we do not want them to cook too much. We want the skins soft and silky, like Mrs. Lopez's hair.

Ready, set, GO!

Place ½ of the garlic in the Cuisinart. Chiles in the Cuisinart. Homemade beef stock in the Cuisinart. Salt in the Cuisinart. Grind pepper also! Blend for a while. Pour blended mixture through that large cone-shaped funnel-like-thingy I inherited from my Grandmother, to separate out the chili skins, right into a sauce pan. Add some more broth, a little olive oil (Mrs. Lopez used a tiny dab of lard), finely chopped oven-roasted tomatoes, skinned, that I have in the fridge, maybe more black pepper, taste for salt, and simmer on low heat, stirring occasionally. Yes, with a wooden spoon!

What? Why did I have some freshly-made beef stock and some "just roasted" tomatoes, skinned, in my fridge? Just so happens I keep that stuff laying around, just in case. You know, for emergencies. Doesn't everyone?

(OK...yesterday I bought the beef stock at the store, came home, and put it in this container marked "homemade stock" with a sharpie. But you don't need to know that. Stock's a time-consumer, I got back late from work yesterday, and I've never been able to tell the difference in this recipe!)

Still looking pretty bad out there, eh? Blustery, even. Good thing we're in here, huh? Sure, I'll light a fire ...

Pork butt. Trimmed. Cubed. No substitutions! If you are thinking "I'll use skinless chicken breast to make it healthier", I fucking hate your fucking guts. Fuck you, you fucking fuck. Get the fuck out of here. You know how to get umami out of chicken? Feed it to a pig, and then eat pork! Never return to my kitchen. I said "good day"!

Pork and onions into my tall stock pot. Toss in the rest of the garlic. Plenty of the beef stock. Water. Salt, pepper....you get the idea. Bouquet garni with 4 bay leaves broken up, thyme. Low heat, 2-3 hours, stirring occasionally. We'll come back to it....

What do we do now, for 2-3 hours? I've got Netflix, the fire's on. Have a seat on the couch, Mrs. Looo....ooooo ...you. Oh...I gotta tell you, when you put your hand on my chest like that, well, I've been blessed with sensitive nipples. You like them rock hard? My pleasure, I'm sure, but I really do not have a choice. Yeah, I know, you're thing is "orgasm denial". No, you should not put your lips on my nipple, unless you want a mighty load shot right in your face. You say I'd better not, if I know what is good for me? Remember those chili seeds? Put my hand where? Oh, fuck, baby.......you're fucking moist and my dick's as hard as that bottle of wine.....ready to pop its cork.....

Hey! Starting to smell good in the kitchen! Might be time! Better go check!

Check the fat content of the broth, because the supermarket's pork butt can be a little fatty. If a little fatty, I've got one of those "fat-remover strainer thingys" ...this batch looks fine, though. Open a big can of posole corn...."posole" means "hominy" to you gringos out there.

What? Why did I just so happen to have an extra-large can of Doña Lupe's Posole Corn in my pantry? Well, I always have that. Doesn't everyone?

I love the fucking Weather Channel.

Drain the hominy. Rinse it WELL! Hominy is prepared by soaking it in lye, a process called nixtamalization. I googled it yesterday! That means the water in the can is salty, though. Put it in a colander, rinse it ..... just one more thing to wash.

Smell that fucking broth! Remove the garni. Slowly add the hominy (at least if you don't want the broth all over your shirt. Maybe that's your thing.). Add until you have your desired "pork-posole" ratio. Like I said, I go heavy on the posole.

Taste for salt, or whatever else it needs...it will not need much. Say "fuck, that's good". Grab the red sauce, ladle some into the pot. Taste...say "oh my god that's fucking good"....maybe add more. The pork, onion, garlic, bay and red sauce will form a perfect union. I call it:

"oink-ami".

Put back on simmer (1/2 hour, maybe. I mean, you could eat the shit now, but Mrs. Lopez is on the couch, and the smell has definitely gotten to her).

"Sorry, but it has to sit for a while, to let the flavors meld!"

(Bullshit. Those flavors have been melding for three fucking hours.)

Back to the couch. Shit, you're right back on my nipples. You curl up, and whisper in my ear "Jew know, all I hjave to do ees just say 'theees Posole, it ees is OK, but I have had betterr', and I can tie up your balls weeth a little twine and strrrrap on my big black frrrrriend and ride jew like the men of my village rode the broncos during the rodeos I attended as a leetle girl, tickling your balls weeeth a big feather. Jew ain't gonna cum, Meeester, but I weeell!"

"Mama Mia!" I say, sounding like Berlusconi. I win either way! But, wait ... when did you get that tacky Mexican accent? It's a little racist, you know. And, shit, "village"? I thought you were from Milwaukee. Wait...you sound just like Mrs. Lopez! At least in my head. What did you really say? Doesn't really matter. My balls are as swollen as the business end of two cheap touristy maracas. And making the same sound.

Stop thinking about my balls. Squeeze some lime into the pot. Ready!

Two bowls. "Fiestaware", if you've got it. Get the ladle down to the bottom of the pot, bring up the chunky stuff at the bottom. Then, ladle on some of the broth on top. Some more red sauce can be added, if desired. Sprinkle on top a little oregano, a little finely chopped lettuce and, if she's into it, sliced radish. Don't asked...that's how it is done in Mexico. Salad on top of the soup. If she likes it spicy, offer jalapenos.

Remember: corn tortillas are real, flour tortillas are for losers who don't have a chance with Mrs. Lopez. You can warm them in the microwave, wrapped in a damp paper towel.

Eat. Mangia!

***Overheard me saying, 15 minutes after washing the dishes:

"No, I'm not a cross dresser (not that there's anything wrong with that). What, a guy can't have a jet-black curly-haired wig, a red skirt, and a tube of red lipstick just laying around the house? Anyways, it's for you, Mrs. Loooo....ooo...I mean, you, babe. No, no, I love your hair......"

***Overheard 49.5 minutes after washing the dishes:

Me, red lipstick smeared all up and down my cock:

"Oye! Chica! Hace ventecinco años que estoy esperando esto. Que bien, mi amor, lo amo! Espera ... ahora solamente el "tip". Ahora ..... todito! Lento, mi amor....lento! Todito! Mis bollas estan llenitos! Oye, aqui viene!"

(Translation: "Oh my god, baby! I've been waiting 25 years for this! This is perfect, babe, I love it! Wait...now just the tip! OK, now all of it! Slowly, baby, slowly! All of it! My balls are full, baby! OK...here it comes.....")

You, hands tied behind the chair, my hand clutching the black wig on top of your turned head, your lips wrapped around my cock:

"Muulllffff. Choke! Choke! Sllllluuuurrrrp. Glub. Gurgle. Mmmmmuuuuummmm. Mmmmmmuuuummm. Kak! Kak!"

(Translation: "What the fuck? I don't speak Spanish!")