President Clinton's Last Press Conference

The following is an imaginary press conference held by President William Jefferson Clinton on January 19, 2001

* * *

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States!

(Applause)

"Good afternoon. As this is my last full day in office, I decided to hold a final press conference during which I will put to rest speculation regarding my involvement with Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey and other women with whom I am acquainted. I will present my statement and then answer questions from the Press"

"Many people, inside and outside of government, particularly Republicans, have asserted that I do not possess the "moral fiber" to have held the highest office in this great land. Let me first say that "moral fiber" sounds like something that Jerry Falwell and the Christian Right eat so they can take a better crap."

(Laughter)

"This country has enjoyed an unprecedented period of growth during the eight years I have been in office. If "The Flock" is giving a full ten percent of their share of this abundance, then the Ultra Conservative Right Wing Pricks should not only forgive me for sharing a portion of my precious bodily fluids, but demand that the Constitution be amended so I can serve a third term!"

(Applause)

"I do not think it is necessary to address my relationship with Jennifer Flowers. You all know I nailed her when I was Governor of Arkansas. Hills, my pet name for Hilary, had a little trouble with that when she first learned of it, but stood up for me when that twit Barbara Walters starting digging. I made it very clear to Hills…First Lady or a lifetime as a lawyer in Arkansas making crummy land and savings and loan deals. Hills is NOT stupid!"

(Laughter)

"Regarding Paula "Trailer Trash" Jones. She is a liar. She has accused me of exposing Little Willie and asking her for a knob job. She further accused my main Arkansas man, Highway Patrolman Danny Ferguson, of bringing her to my suite so I could request a sexual act from her. Bullshit! Knowing Danny was my confidant, she begged him to bring her to my hotel suite so she could worship Little Willie. In fact, she offered to worship Little Danny, if he would make the arrangements. Danny knows better than to take firsties, so he declined her invitation but did bring her to see me. I was standing in the middle of the room when Paula "TT" Jones entered. She approached me and then fell to her knees faster than Yasser Arafat at sunrise. Had I turned her down and then admitted to turning her down, I would have lost the vote of every beer drinking, skirt chasing union worker in this Great Country."

(Nods of understanding)

"I think you all have the details of my tryst with Monica. Suffice it to say that lady could suck the chrome off the trailer hitch on brother Roger's Ford Bronco. If you take a close look at the women I have diddled, you can see I am not particularly picky. In fact I like them more than a little bit on the slutty side. Well ol' Monica can out slutty any of those other good ol' girls."

(Hoot calls from the men)

"Admittedly the Kathleen Willey incident was a little more serious. I have known Kathleen for quite some time. When she came to see me she had been crying. She wanted a favor and she knew who she had to "speak" to, Little Willie. I can't be held responsible that her dumb shit husband decided to eat his shotgun that very same day."

(Nods of agreement)

"That concludes my prepared statement. We will take a break and enjoy some refreshments. McDonald's has supplied some Big Macs, Pizza Hut some hot pizza, and Coke some soft drinks. Maintaining my policy of full disclosure I will tell you that a promotional fee has been paid to my Presidential Library Fund for this marketing opportunity. Before we break, I want to ask the lovely young reporter in the first row if she happens to have a cigar on her?"

(Laughter, young female reporter blushes)

Reporters enjoy burgers, pizza and Coke. President works the room laughing and fondling young female reporters. Break concludes and the President returns to the podium.

"I will now take a few questions."

(Many hands raise and shouts of "Mr. President" are clearly heard)

"Yes Helen. As Dean of Reporters you get the first question."

"Mr. President, I have heard reports that certain wealthy women have been seen having clandestine meetings with you these last few days. Can you speak to who these women are and the purpose of these meetings?"

"Helen, you are one sly old broad! If you were only sixty years younger!"

(Laughter, Helen blushes)

As you all know it is the Constitutional right of the President to grant pardons to anyone and for any reason. It is traditional that the President grants these pardons on his last day in office. I appointed a Blue Ribbon panel to hear pleas for such pardons. These ladies have been appearing before the panel to make their plea."

"A follow up question, Mr. President. Can you tell us who is on the Blue Ribbon panel you created and where and how often has it met?"

"Of course Helen. The Blue Ribbon panel is comprised of me as President and Little Willie as Presidential advisor. The panel meets in the hallway next to the Oval office. Some of the petitioners have had to appear before the panel on more than one occasion."

"Sam Donaldson, did I see your hand in the air?"

"Yes Mr. President. My question is how did the First Lady react to your admission of having had sex with Ms. Lewinsky. It was rumored in some corners she planned to file for divorce. Is that true?"

"Sam, Sam, Sam, you know there is no way in hell that Hills is gonna divorce my ass. Yes, she is now gainfully employed as the junior Senator from New York. However, at the time you are referring to, she was just starting her campaign. I reminded her that those pictures I treasure of her and Barbara Streisand together in the Lincoln Bedroom would not help her chances of being elected. Ol' Rudy G. would have been all over her like bedbugs in a boarding house. Hills decided to let the matter drop."

"Cokie, you have a question?"

"Yes. Thank you Mr. President. It seems that Democrats, at least Democratic Presidents, have more trouble keeping the "horse in the barn" than do Republican Presidents. Is that true and if so, why?"

"Cokie, you are a charmer. If you were only thirty years younger!"

(Laughter led by Sam Donaldson. Cokie blushes)

"I think the answer can be found in the fact that Democrats always attract a younger, more viral man to their leadership. Republicans attract juiceless old men. Take Nixon. FBI files show that the man had only two boners in his life. One he named Trish and the other Julie. Reagan was all talk and no walk. It is not without cause that he is known as the Great Communicator, not the Great Fornicator."

"Democrats, on the other hand, have a more urbane, hedonistic approach to life. Jack Kennedy is my hero. He plucked the peach wherever he found it. He even shared with his brother Bobby. Recently I found some scribbling on a wall in a mop closet in the West Wing. It said, 'Marilyn gobbled my goodie here." It was initialed JFK and dated October 12, 1962. What a guy! That was smack dab in the middle of the Cuban Missile Crisis. There is ol' JFK kicking Kruschev's ass and nailing Marilyn at the same time! I have requested that piece of plaster be cut from the wall and displayed at the Smithsonian. FDR was still able to do a bit of the humpy-rumpy while confined to a wheel chair. Hell, Cokie, even the Georgia Peanut Farmer lusted in his heart!"

""I will take one more question. Wolf?"

"Mr. President, CNN wonders if you would share the reaction of your daughter Chelsea to your extra marital affairs?"

"To be blunt, Chelsea was pissed. She was particularly pissed about Monica. You have to understand that Chelsea was only 13 when we moved to the White House. She just had her 21st birthday. Although she has spent most of her time in D.C., she has remained very close to several of her Arkansas girlfriends."

"When I had to do a mea culpa she stormed into the Oval Office looking as if she was going to slice and dice my ass. I remember her exact words…'Daddy you swore to me you had not busted that Monica bitch and now you admit you have. Don't you even understand a little bit the embarrassment you have caused me? All of my girlfriends in Arkansas want to know why, if you wanted some young stuff, you didn't pop ME? Their daddies did them YEARS ago! Aren't I good enough for you? Did you have to make a mockery of our relationship by boffing that chubby, beret wearing Jewess'?"

"I was simply stunned. All I could say was, 'Chelsea, have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? Damn girl, you have no chin, stringy hair and more zits than a little league baseball team. Little Willie does have some pride!'

"Believe me it is hard to talk straight to your children, but that is what has made America great!"

(Applause)

"Thank you Mr. President."