Pretending Life is Sweet

Accommodation was mixed although as luck, or possibly judgement, would have it I was given a room in a four bedroom cottage where both of the other occupants were women. Emma and Michelle knew each other from before they had come there and had been members of a community similar to my own.

It wasn't just the extreme edges of Christianity represented there though, we also had several Scientologists, a couple of refugees from an ashram outside York, and even a tall pale painfully thin man who was from one of those strange scarcity cults they have in Upper Europe so he was even further out of his element that all of the rest of us I suppose.

Internet use was encouraged, required really, there was a room in the barn set up with terminals. There were plenty of trips out to town for shopping and suchlike and on several memorable occasions we went to the theatre which I loved. I also loved the tai chi. Every morning there was a session for an hour (we had proper uniforms) with the more experienced members of the group leading and helping the novices. Once a week a professional tutor would come in and adjust our styles.

Responsibility for cleaning and cooking was shared although we who were the better cooks got to avoid most of the cleaning! People who had been there longer tended to take on the role of teacher, helper, or just a sympathetic pair of ears to the newcomers and over the course of time I found myself doing a lot of that.

It was a tranquil place to be and I was very happy there. My eighteenth birthday drifted by without anyone noticing, it was stealthy and did not appear in the calendar that year. Birthdays were a pretty big deal there, non-denominational celebrations had an unspoiled quality, so I felt a little guilty about denying everyone the party but on balance more glad to avoid being the centre of attention.

Part 3 - Changing Dynamics in a Closed Environment

My nineteenth birthday however was impossible to conceal and was pretty much a coming out party as it was late that night in front of the woodburner in the yurt where Lucy seduced me.

Sex wasn't uncommon at Errwood although it was generally discreet. Repression and control of sexuality seems to be a common component of cult structure so a lot of us came to Errwood with issues about that kind of thing. With such a small population base most of the people who were going to couple off were already, well coupling. When I arrived as far as I am aware I was the only lesbian there and I was still so used to keeping that a secret that I just kept on making sure it remained so. I don't think at that point in my life I had ever even said the word out loud. I was also very frightened, I didn't know what to do and I had no idea how to ask. Had I been asked about things lesbians would do together I might have suggested a trip to the zoo or the theatre would be nice. If anyone thought about that side of me at all I suppose they assumed, quite rightly, that I was just young and shy and really repressed.

Lucy had turned up the previous autumn from a commune in Wales where she had grown up. She said she was twenty five, and she was certainly a little older than me, but I don't think she was really sure how old she was. It sounds as if her parents were pretty disorganised and i'd be surprised if her birth was even registered.

Her people were technohippies who had been camped at the top end of a valley in North Wales happily munching psychedelic fungi since the late eighties. Their turbines high above them on the hills harvested electricity from the wind and used it to power the server farm and the satellite and microwave links which kept them as tightly hooked into the internet as the spooks down in Cheltenham. They supported themselves writing websites, and other more esoteric applications, for the highest bidder and used any excess funds for endless upgrades to the radio telescope array around which their spiritual lives revolved.

Signals from space were filtered and re-filtered through labyrinthine algorithms designed by their most accomplished (and highest) coders and executed on a distributed network of borrowed processing power spanning the entire planet. What were they looking for? Alien messages? The voice of God? It wasn't clear. Lucy had been starting to have her doubts about the mission so with the blessing of her family had been sent off on a Rumspringa to look for her own answers. Somehow she had wound up with us.

From the first time she entered my world I thought she was magnificent. She towered nearly a foot over me, very slim with small breasts which were always loose and moved tantalisingly under her top with their nipples usually erect and poking cutely through the cloth. She almost always dressed in tight little tops and cotton fisherman's trousers I don't think she even owned a bra. Her eyes were pale blue and her skin was browned by years of summers in the sun, she had blonde dreadlocks down to her waist. I'd never seen someone with their hair like that before and it seemed captivatingly exotic. She was confident, extroverted and funny. I was smitten and couldn't help following her around with my eyes whenever she was within view.

This was quite a lot of the time actually. In such a small group and being similar in age we naturally found ourselves spending a lot of time together. Even better she knew nothing about cookery so I taught her and in return she helped me with my computer skills. Her close proximity made me feel warm and happy but with an edge of frustration I didn't understand to begin with. I'd wake up after dreaming about her, flushed, tense, and wet between the legs.

By the twenty-ninth of February I'd been adoring her quietly for months and still had no idea how to do anything about it. I didn't even know for sure whether she was gay although she hadn't paired off with any of the available men which I saw as a good sign. That evening everyone else had gradually drifted off to bed leaving just the two of us snuggled together under a blanket.

I thought at that moment life could not be more perfect, leaning up against her, my head barely reaching her shoulder, feeling her warmth shared with me. We could have been talking about anything and it wouldn't have mattered really I was just happy to feel I was sharing some time with her. Then she leaned down and her lips were on mine, her hands running up inside my blouse, and I had to reinvent my whole idea of what perfection could be for what turned out to be the first of several times that night.

"Is this ok Sarah?" she asked as she broke the kiss and drew back to look at me.

I think I may have growled as I lunged back up at her. We were lucky no-one lost a tooth. I clamped my mouth over hers and pushed my tongue in to meet her. I was frantically pushing her shirt up seeking access for my hands.

Lucy fell back laughing and for a moment I was horrified that I had done something wrong. Had I somehow misunderstood? She saw my concern though and was quick to smile and reassure.

"Slowly, slowly, there's no rush."

She pulled her top off with one smooth stretch revealing her small conical breasts with their long pale pink nipples and then reached over and started undoing the buttons of my blouse. I was temporarily frozen while my brain tried to get up to speed with the fact that this was actually happening. She finished unbuttoning me then reached inside and around me to unclasp my bra. I shrugged and brushed both garments away and she sighed as she gazed at me and ran her fingers lightly over my chest then cupped my much larger breasts in her hands. My nipples are very dark brown and looked black against my pale skin in the low light, they were crinkling and tightening in excitement. I could feel my breath catching as jolts of pleasure ran through me at her touch.

"You have beautiful tits Sarah."

Her head came down onto my chest and I felt the hot, soft, wonderful sensation as she sucked my left nipple into her mouth then electric pulses from her mouth through my body as she put her tongue to work. The forefinger and thumb of one hand teased the nipple of my other breast erect before rolling it carefully between them.

Lucy leaned forward keeping my tit in her mouth pushing me back into a reclined position on the beanbag behind me. I could feel her heavy locks falling against me and her chest against my stomach. She had her legs wrapped around one of mine so that her thigh pressed up deliciously hard against my crotch. I pushed forward with my hips involuntarily, rubbing us hard against each other and was gratified to hear and feel her moan in response. So I deliberately did it again, slower and harder this time, and forced another deeper moan from her.

There was a hungry ache growing between my legs and the cloth covering me was restrictive and frustrating so I assumed it must be the same for her. Taking the initiative I reached up to grab Lucy's shoulders and rolled us over leaving me poised on top of her with my breasts hanging down in her face. Then I scooched down a little and untied the drawstring of her trousers then inched them down her thighs taking her panties with them.

She pushed her hips up to help me and I caught my first glimpse of the patch of pale hair covering her sex. While I was busy pulling her clothes the rest of the way off I could feel her hands all over my thighs, running boldly over the material still covering mine. I knew she'd feel the heat and humidity through the cloth and for some reason it filled me with joy, a signal from my body just for her saying look, look what you are doing to me.

She lay there completely naked in front of me now and I was struck speechless by her beauty. I wanted to engulf her, hold her so close that I merged into her. I scrambled out of my own jeans and panties and shuffled back up again pulling the blanket back over us so that we were lying under it full length against each other, my breasts pressed hard against hers and I kissed her, long, slow and deep, worshipping her presence here, exalting in her. I inserted my thigh back between hers and felt the scratchy warm wetness of her against me. I pushed hard again, wiping her up my thigh, and was rewarded by her moaning into my mouth.

"Lucy," I admitted, whispering as I rubbed the side of my nose slowly against hers, "I've not done this before." I was still scared you see that maybe she expected a lover who knew how to please her. I'd tried being confident and strong and I was very pleased with having got our clothes off but I was out of ideas and at the end I just didn't have the experience.

"I know sweetie, and you're doing fine." she replied softly, "Let me show you ok. And you just join in when you want to."

"I really want to." I replied, voice trembling a little, "I really like you."

"I like you too sweetie, very much." she said and she kissed me again, her tongue went deep inside my mouth so I licked it back and sucked it. I felt her hand reaching between my legs and I knew she would find me wet. She caressed my lips first for a long time, stroking her fingers through my hair then after an age I quivered and gasped when she pressed in closer with one digit so that it separated me and dipped into my channel, letting the warm wetness gathering there pour out onto her. I could no longer focus on anything but the feeling of her hand in me. I felt her spread the slick wetness up between my lips, circling the swelling centre of my pleasure at the top. I was making little rhythmic guttural noises from the back of my throat somewhere between a groan and a sigh.

She kept circling my clit with her thumb and at the same time I could feel her two middle fingers moving into position at my entrance. Before I could start to panic she pushed slowly, steadily into me, right in as deep as she could get. The sliding sensation was wonderful and the feeling of fullness was satisfying in a way I had not anticipated, there was none of the pain I had feared. I think she must have felt me tense and clamp around her because she stopped moving her hand completely and leaned back to look at me while I got used to her. I was poised in ecstasy, impaled on her. I looked back up at her through half closed eyes, my hips were rolling up over and over again onto her hand trying to force her deeper inside. My chest was heaving and I felt a sensation like vertigo, like I was on the edge of something and about to fall off.

"You look so fucking sexy right now Sarah." she whispered and she was right and her words excited me and affirmed me. Yes I was sexy and yes I was fucking and it was so fucking right.

Then she resumed pumping her fingers in and out of me and she slid her thumb back and forth over my clit again fast and hard taking me quickly over the edge and triggering wonderful bolts of warm electricity radiating out from my centre though my whole body in wave after wave. I could distantly feel the muscles inside me spasming over and over again and a gush of liquid spill out of me over her hand and onto my inner thighs as I came for the first time. There were tears running down my face and I was saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." and she was kissing the tears off my cheeks, kissing along the line of my jaw, my forehead, then so very softly at the corners of my eyes before she held me close again and pulled the blanket tight around us. She made little comforting noises of reassurance as I came back to myself.

"Seemed like you really needed that sweetie."

"I never knew anything like that could happen Lucy." I admitted as I ran my hands slowly over her, exploring.

"Seriously?"

"Uh huh, never knew anything like this either." I moved a hand down between her legs, found her hair, much finer than mine, then the wetness I was looking for. I slid my fingers very carefully between her lips, knowing how sensitive I was in there, and rippled them slightly.

"Mmm, you can keep on doing that."

It was wonderful, I was inside her, pleasing her, sharing myself with her. As I started to move my hand more confidently and with more purpose I used her little squeaks and gasps to tell me what was good, what was better than good, what was too sensitive. What should be done again now, what should be done again in a minute or two. Eventually I had slipped two, then three fingers deep into her and she was pushing back in rhythm. I was using the trick she had shown me on myself and rubbing that tight bundle of nerves at the top of her slit with my thumb and kissing her hard while I did it so that I could enjoy her moaning into my mouth again. This was something I was particularly enjoying, it felt as if I was literally drinking in the sound of her pleasure.

She kept gasping into my mouth and I held the kiss, instinctively restricting her access to oxygen a little. I thrust harder, deep aches burned in the muscles of my arm but I didn't dream of stopping. Then suddenly she broke the kiss, arched back and I felt that wonderful series of tight contractions around my fingers as she screamed. I waited until she started to relax then, slipping carefully out of her I brought my arms up and around, bringing her in close to me once more so that I could cherish her.

I think we drifted off for a while and when I woke up she was licking my tits again. The air was warmer so she must have stocked the woodburner back up while I slept. I reached down and guided her back up to me for a kiss then slipped a hand back between her legs, unable to resist.

She grinned, "Want a closer look Sarah?"

I was well beyond shyness now, "Oh yes." I hissed and she giggled and pushed the blanket back, spreading her legs wide. I moved down between her thighs. I knew where I wanted me to be but I was beginning to understand the value of teasing myself and my lover, so I licked her inner thighs and sucked them a little especially up toward the top where they met. In front of me I could see the centre of her desire and it was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. The fat pink lips glistening beneath her pale hair were parted a little to frame the wet intricate folds of her gathered inside. And she smelt.

There had been a certain thickness in the air from both of us already of course but up this close she smelt intensely sweet and salty with a background animal richness. She smelt of Lucy and what could be more intimate than this. My mouth watered. I glanced up and saw her looking back down at me smiling. I leant forward and kissed her feeling her hair against my face and I felt her whole body shudder around me. I inhaled deeply, loudly, through my nose, breathing her in and making sure she could hear me doing it. She was so lovely that once again I kissed her and I let my tongue snake out to lick up and down her outer lips. She tasted gamey and sharp and she shuddered again. Her hips bucked a little and I could tell she was having to restrain herself from just smearing her wetness all over my face. I thought I could test that restraint.

Lucy had pulled her legs back with her hands now, stretching herself as open as she could. There was no ambiguity about what she wanted so I reached in and held her inner thighs with my hands and pulled her lips open with my fingers. Splayed in front of me like this she was if anything more beautiful than before. I sucked one of her outer lips into my mouth before letting it slip away, then the other. I dipped my tongue between her inner lips to taste her entrance and it had a strong sour acidity which I wanted to just lap up.

Eventually I moved back up to the front of her sex again though and licked directly against either side of the fold of flesh covering her clit teasing ecstatic moans and gasps of joy from her. I had achieved my goal by now, she had long ago given up all self control and was pushing her cunt up onto my chin rubbing her sticky juices all over me and apparently making a concerted effort to force it right inside her while I tried everything I could think of to stimulate her with my mouth. Finally as I was running out of strength and racing the very tip of my tongue right across the exposed surface of her clit I felt her who body seize and she shouted my name (my name!) as she came.

We explored each other thoroughly over the course of the night. I after all was trying to quench a thirst which had been building for years. I don't know how many times I went down on her but that is what I was doing, crouched naked between my lover's legs, the following morning when Emma stumbled in through the door to start tidying up. I still have the memory indelibly seared into my mind of her peals of laughter as she ran back to the house. I don't think I actually looked up though, I was busy and it is important to know when to prioritise.

About half an hour later Lucy and I walked back up the paddock together my arm around her waist and hers around mine. We entered the canteen looking a bit dishevelled with slightly sheepish smiles. Emma was never good with a secret and the knowing looks came at us from all directions almost universally happy for us. But anyway nothing could have tarnished my pride in the girl by my side.

And she stayed by my side for a little over two years before eventually she decided the outside world was never going to be for her. In the end she returned to her commune in the mountains and in doing so broke my heart a little. I just couldn't see myself being content out there though when I was starting to build a profession for myself closer to home.

Part 4 - Moving on

I had taken a job in the nearby town as a volunteer social worker and when a paying position had become available I applied for it and was accepted. From then I paid my own keep which felt amazingly liberating. When the end of my relationship with Lucy came it seemed like a good time to make another change. It had become obvious to me that I couldn't let myself rely on the support of the Foundation indefinitely and that I was coming to the end of my time there too. There were always going to be people who were going to need my place there more than I did now.