Rachel

When I got back to my room, I promptly disregarded John's advice as I'm sure everyone does and read, listened to, and watched, everything. My heart broke into millions of pieces. I stared into space for an indeterminate period of time. Everything I thought I knew about my beloved Rachel was a lie.

From what I could tell, she was in love with Tim, not that it mattered all that much. It did turn out to be the same Tim that she dated in college. I still didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to approach Rachel, but I did know for certain that I wasn't willing to share her or to pretend for even a minute now that I knew the truth.

I decided to go home and face the music. Why did I feel like it was me facing the music? Shouldn't that be her role?

When I walked through the front door, I made no attempt to be noble, brave, angry, or anything else. I was just....hollow. I had loved her so much; it was almost like.....like a presence. For her to place no value on that love was devastating to me. It turns out she wasn't home when I got there. I guess she was with Tim the Love God. I thought about how to spend my time until she got home and weighed all my options very carefully and decided to wallow in self pity. I sat on the couch with my overnight bag still sitting beside me put my head in my hands. Finally, I started to cry.

I hated doing it. I didn't want to. Men that cried are weak, aren't they? I cried until there were no more tears and finally, the tears dried on my face. I felt as though my soul literally and ebbed away from my body.

I guess it was about 11:00 when Rachel came through the door. She was alone, for which I was happy. She looked turned on the light and was startled that I was there.

"Kevin...you're home!"

And then...she knew. It looked as those all the starch left her body as she looked at me, very scared.

"Kevin, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. I won't pretend that has any meaning for you, but I am."

"Do you love him?"

"I.... I don't know."

She hung her head.

"Tell me about it."

"You don't want to know about it. There is no excuse. Hearing about it won't make you feel any better and won't change what I've done."

"Sit your ASS down and tell me about it."

She wasn't used to be speaking to her that way and looked startled. She did sit down and told me the story, such as it was. They had crossed paths while she was having lunch with a client one day and spoke for a few minutes. He had apologized for how things ended in college and told her she was right for insisting on being the only one. Ironic, right? One thing led to another and they ended up sleeping together later that same week. It had been going on for about 4 months now.

"I honestly don't know if I'm in love with him, but I definitely know I'm in love with you."

"Is that supposed to be of some sort of comfort to me right now, Rachel?"

"I guess you're right. So...what happens now? Do you want me to end it? I will, of course."

I was incredulous.

"Rachel...did I just hear you correctly? Did you just ask me if I wanted you to end it?"

"I'm sorry...I guess that was a stupid question. Can we get past this?"

"I doubt it, but I'm not going to make any decisions at the moment with emotions running so high. Frankly, I don't see how it's up to me. Clearly, I'm not doing it for you, so now that I've found out, I am assuming you don't want to stay with me."

"Oh, Tim. I have hurt you so badly, I know. You definitely DO...do it for me..."

I cut her off.

"Stop it right there, Rachel. Very little of what you say will carry any weight for me right now, and in particular if you're telling me something that your actions have already proved to be a lie! I suggest we both try to get some sleep. It's late."

"Ok, Kevin. I'll help you with your bags."

I looked at her as if she had just grown another head. I guess my look was enough because she just apologized again and ran up the stairs to the bedroom.

I don't know and don't really care about how Rachel's night was that night, but I basically didn't sleep at all. Questions without answers circled through my head all night. If she knows she loves me, why would she cheat on me? How can she think there's a chance she might love someone else if she knows she loves me? Is that possible? Does she really love me at all? Did I really care at this point?

Not that there would have been much question before, but there was one thing I knew for sure after seeing the video and then hearing her say that she may love her boyfriend.

Our marriage was over. It was very clear when I saw the video that she was withholding nothing from him. She was every bit as passionate with him as she was with me, and possibly even more so.

Rachel called in sick to work...I guess in hopes that we could talk and maybe start the process of working things out, but that wasn't going to happen. I was still a little surprised that she had any interest in doing so....or thought she did.

I was sitting out on the back patio with a cup of coffee and hear the door behind me. I didn't speak, but eventually she did.

"Kevin, can we talk?"

"About?"

"About how to start to put this behind us, of course."

"There is no putting this behind us. How can you think there could be?"

"But, it was just a mistake. I know that now. A terrible mistake, to be sure, but...."

"Listen to yourself! Have you taken even a moment to try to put yourself in my shoes? To think about how this must feel to me? God, you don't even have to do that! Don't you remember why you broke up with him in the first place? How much worse is what you've done to me than why you broke up with him?"

She broke down and, for the first time, started crying hard. I could tell her anguish was genuine. I just didn't know if it was for the hurt she'd caused me or for herself because she'd been caught. For my part, I had hoped that the hurt would start to fade after the initial shock of all this, but I was sure disappointed on that count. I guess maybe I had cried all my tears, but it felt there was a big, cold, rock where my heart belonged.

I felt minimized because she made me feel that way and I felt angry because I didn't think I had any reason to have to feel minimized.

"Why don't you go to work...or go see your boyfriend...or something. I need more time to think and I can't do with you hovering."

"I'll get out of your way if you want, Kevin, but I won't be going to see Tim now or ever again. Can we talk later?"

"As for talking later...yes. We'll obviously have to do that at some point. As for whether you see Tim, I have two immediate thoughts. First, less that 12 hours ago you thought you might be in love with him, so I find it unlikely in the extreme that you can decide so quickly not to ever see him again. Second, anything you say to me at the moment isn't very believable to me and it's hard to picture a time, from where I sit now, that it ever will again."

I think she may have made some attempt to reply here, but I wasn't able to decipher anything coherent.

"Look, Rachel. I know that there are a vast number of people, both men and women, who would want revenge right now if they were in my position. I also know there are probably as many that would find any excuse within their minds and hearts to try to forgive and give their husband or wife another chance.

I'm not inclined in either of those directions. Frankly, if you're someone worth trying to forgive, you'll feel badly enough about what you've done that any revenge that I try to take will probably feel like penance to you and I have no interest in letting you off the hook.

Let's talk tomorrow morning at about 9. We can have some coffee and figure out how to best proceed. I can tell you it won't be together, though. I don't really believe that's what you truly want, anyway, but if so, I don't want you to be under any illusions."

I took the day after Rachel left to begin the process of separating our lives. Checking account, investments...meager though they were, etc. I opened new accounts in my name only and transferred ½ the balances of everything. By the end of the day, I was mostly finished. With the exception of the house and one of our two cars, there weren't any obligations in the names of both Rachel and I.

The car in question was "hers", so I felt like it was appropriate for her to assume responsibility for it, but that would have to happen in some sort of legal manner that was beyond my ability to handle by myself and very quickly.

By the evening, I was done and fully in analytical mode. I guess I still wanted to know why. I still didn't have any interest in reconciliation. I was way too wounded for that. Even more significant was the issue of trust.

There was absolutely no reason that I had any reason to suspect Rachel might be unhappy with us or unsatisfied with me in any way. Had I known, I could have taken steps to address the issue, but how can you find an enemy you don't know is in your camp?

See? I can almost sense your heads nodding through the monitor. I think maybe I needed to know why so that I could explain to Rachel why it was so definitely over with us. Yes...explaining that to her is probably for me, but whatever.

It's interesting about cheating. If Rachel was an alcoholic, had lied about something else, or gambled our savings away, I'd still be upset, of course. If you think about it, any of those things, at their essence, are at least to some extent a betrayal and/or a failure of trust at a minimum, and, of course to varying degrees, a hiding of part of yourself from your spouse. Shouldn't your spouse have open access to every part of your life and emotions? Obviously that may be another debate, and I digress.

I guess we must take the sexual betrayal much more personally since we feel it's a rejection of us rather than simply a failing on the part of our spouse. I think this is magnified when the wife is the one to cheat because they, much more than men, tie emotion into the sex act. As a result, it is much more likely that they truly have feelings for their lover. No, I'm not throwing a blanket over it...simply comparing the average man with the average woman.

Assuming, Rachel truly loved/loves me, that means she had to cheat because, even though she DOES love me, I wasn't fulfilling her sexually, or she just wanted the excitement of someone new and different in spite of the fact that I was apparently still meeting her sexual needs.

Let's face it. No one can compete with someone new and different in terms of excitement. It's not a fair comparison and frankly, no one should have to. If I weren't sexually fulfilling for her, the impact on me, or anyone in that position, I assume, is obvious. If I WAS fulfilling for her, but she felt the need for more or different experiences anyway, that would indicate a selfishness with which I could not and can not live. I made a decision about what to say to Rachel the following morning, depending on what she had to say, and felt good about it.

Rachel showed up at 9:00 on the dot the next morning. She looked very nice, if very tired. She looked scared as well. I couldn't blame her. For my part, my feelings were still very raw, though I felt better with even the short amount of time that had passed, that, at least I was thinking clearly and objectively.

I felt to set the proper tone, it would be best for me to speak first and lay the expectation. I didn't want her thinking that this was a chance to stay together.

"Well, Rachel. Thanks for coming. I assume this isn't easy for you, but frankly, I don't have a lot of sympathy for that, as I'm sure you must know."

"Yes...you're right, of course. I can't imagine what you must think of me and frankly, I don't have an excuse. At least not an excuse that would carry any weight."

"Why? Tell me why? What was I not doing that I should have been? What was I doing that I should not have? What would you want to know if you were in my shoes right now?"

"Oh, Kevin...... I'm so sorry. So incredibly sorry. I think I may never know the extent to which I've hurt you. I can't even imagine how I'd feel. It was just so exciting...so exhilarating. It's like every touch was as hyper sensitive as it used to be with us.

Every touch made my breath short and gave me goose bumps. My orgasms where stronger and lasted longer. I know it's hard to hear. I know it must have been that way with us in the beginning, though it has been so long. If you'll remember, I had such fond memories of the sex with Tim when you and I first became friends. That may have played a role as well."

"So I expect you'll be with him now?"

She broke down and sobbed when I said that and it took 10 minutes or so for her to be able to get herself together enough to speak again.

"I can't honestly say I don't have feelings for him, but you're the one I want to be with. I know you don't want that, but it's what I want."

"Well, I'm sure you can understand that you wanting to be with me means nothing knowing you have feelings for another man, don't you?"

"Yes, of course, and I respect that. But I've been betraying you for months now. I won't lie now. If you ever do change your mind about me...about us...then I don't want any secrets."

"Well, Rachel, I can't say I don't still love you because you'd never believe it and I can't just shut it off. But, what you have done has devastated my sense of self worth and my male ego and has caused everything you do and say to come into question for me. I have already taken steps to separate our finances to the extent that I can and will be filing for divorce as soon as I can arrange it.

I can't tell you what to do, of course, but if you do have any interest in me, I can tell you that you have all the qualities that I find endearing and attractive. If, in several months or even a few years, you and I both happen to be available, then I might consider dating you again, assuming you have interest, of course..."

"I can already tell you I will have interest, Kevin. I don't want to have to wait, but I will wait as long as it takes."

"Wait...I'm not done, Rachel. There is one requirement. You have to have been in a committed relationship with Tim for a minimum of several months and more likely longer before I will consider entering into any kind of a relationship with you again. That's the requirement...and there are no promises even then. Obviously, I'm assuming it's not realistic, but that's what it's going to take."

"Kevin...I don't understand. Why do you want that? What if I fall in love with him? What if he doesn't want a relationship with me? This just seems so impossibly illogical."

"I agree.... It is realistically impossible...but it's how it has to be. You don't have to do it, of course. It's completely your choice. First off, I'll be moving on with my life. There may be another woman and there may not. I don't know and am not thinking about that right now. That will be my choice.

I will tell you that if I get into a relationship and fall in love with another woman, it won't matter what you've done and how you feel about me any longer. I won't do to her what you've done to me and us.

Here is the thing, though. I can not.... will not.... under any circumstances enter into a relationship with you until you have committed yourself to Tim for a period of time. You must get "used" to one another. You must stay with him and committed to him long enough for the newness and excitement to wear off.

IF you do that, and IF the relationship ends, and IF I'm not in a relationship at the time, and IF I'm convinced that you truly understand that someone with whom you're in a relationship can't ever compete with someone new and different on the excitement meter. Further, that you understand the excitement thing is less important to you than all the positives of staying committed and honoring your marriage, then I could see the possibility of us starting over again.

Understand that this is goodbye from my perspective. I fully realize the impossibility of this, but wanted you to know that I'm only closing the door rather than locking it because this is not about who you are, but what you've done and what that has done to us and our trust.

I've thought a lot about what you did to me and to us. I have no doubt that some or all of this will seem patronizing. On one hand, I regret that, but on the other, frankly, I feel I have the right.

I need it to be this way in order to maintain my self respect as well as feel good that I'm not doing something simply out of the need for revenge or spite. It's unusual, I know, but it's all I can think of that will account for both those important criteria.

I hope that you will eventually understand that someone outside your married committed relationship will always be able to make you feel more excited and desired relative to the one with whom you're "used" to being with."

After wishing Rachel good luck, I left. I had already packed my car with all my personal belongings and found a furnished apartment with a month to month lease until I figured out what to do. Did I think we might end up together again? I don't know but doubt it. Part of me wanted to, but I had to make sure I could do it in a way that I could maintain my self-respect, so I had made the conditions so unrealistic that she would feel uncomfortably uncertain.

That was almost a year ago ago. Rachel did get together with Tim and they have been in a committed relationship so far as I can tell. I know because mutual friends seem to be keeping me well informed about her for some reason. Those same friends also tell me that she asks about me frequently and that she thinks things with Tim will soon be coming to a close. She apparently was never as happy with him as she was with me and she suspects he has been cheating on her. Apparently, her hypothesis is that he thinks it's ok and/or that she'll forgive him, since she cheated on me and hoped I've forgive her. Interesting, huh?

Meanwhile, I've just met another woman and am really enjoying my time with her. Her name is Tina and she works with a friend of a friend. Tina was married once before and got a divorce because her husband was a gambling addict and finally ran their finances into the ground. She tried very hard to support and help him, but in the end, couldn't deal with it anymore. We've compared notes often. For those interested, she's a redhead with fantastic legs and... well, I guess that's another story.

Author's note (yes...again):

Kevin's above conditions were intended to put her in a box where there is no door out to regain Kevin and subject herself to the pain she caused him to feel. Hopefully a clever device with a lot of reflection and, yes...maybe just a touch of revenge as the primary couple of products.

I'm sure there will be many that feel this should be continued, but I have no creative juices left for Rachel et al. I think I have left things so that it can stand alone, however, if someone else wants to take a crack at a continuing, feel free. I also tried to leave something for those who may be interested to pick up the ball and run with it and be able to go in whatever direction may interest you.

Regards,

AMD