Rachel's Fire: 12

(A TIGER)
*Do you have a husband?* you ask. The question seems somehow comical once the words have left your mouth. You cough/ feeling strangely uncomfortable. Something about the way Maria Marquez is staring at you.

Shaking her head: *I have many boyfriends but they dont know how to make love to a woman. They only know how to FUCK FUCK FUCK and fall asleep.*

Youve arrived at a quiet stretch of the beach. Behind you the town is hidden by the trees.

As the Brazilian touches your arm you feel a strange almost electrical tingle pass through your body. She looks into your face. Her pupils swelling. Lips moist. *Its easy to fake it. The men here are so stupid* she informs you. *Only a woman really knows how to make me come.*

Lost for words. Try not to let the shock show on your face.

*Have you ever been with a woman?* she asks.

*What do you mean?* You know exactly what she means.

*Together with another woman? Fucking her?*

*No.* You say this quietly/ your cheeks burning up. Feel your stomach tightening. You look at this woman/ a cocktail of terror and longing coursing through your blood.

Taking hold of your face with both hands Maria Marquez thrusts her mouth against yours. Her lips soft against your own. Her cheap perfume intoxicates you. She edges her wet tongue into your mouth and you feel the surge of electricity.

But you are confused. You shake your head/ pull away.

See the wicked smile curling Marias lips. She nudges you. You fall back onto the sand. *Take off your clothes* she says.

*What?*

*Take them off!* She is serious. *Please Rachel.*

You could easily get to your feet/ shove her indignantly out the way and storm off back to your hotel but you dont do this. Instead you pull off your shoes and socks. The sand is hot against your heels. Your vagina is moist.

*Hurry!* The Brazilian claps her hands together impatiently.

You pull your t-shirt up over your head.

Maria studies your breasts. *And the rest* she says.

So you unzip the jeans and pull them down/ kicking them off over your feet. As you remove your g-string you see Marias hand moving up between her dark legs.

*Now touch yourself!* she commands.

*What?* The sand scratches against your body. Burning your calfs/ buttocks/ heels/ shoulders.

*I want you to fuck your hand.* Maria lifts her skirt just enough for you to see that her crotch is bare. No underwear. Buried in amongst the thick raven tufts of hair her labia glisten.

It surprises and excites you that your body has turned her on like this. See how she desires you Rachel?

Cool breeze tingling over your skin. Stomach tightening. You rub the thumb of your left hand over your nipple and allow your legs to fall open. It is so wild and strange to be watched like this/ to be watched performing this most private act.

The Brazilians dark eyes take in every detail as you slip a finger into your pussy. Tracing it up between the soft folds towards your clitoris.

Maria Helena Marquez wriggles her hips gently from side to side as if dancing to some slow love song. She runs the tip of her tongue over clean white teeth and grins. The skirt rises up her thighs. Breasts wobbling as she moves.

Arousal is such a glorious feeling dont you think sugar? Your whole body tingles. You ache to have every part of you touched: your ears lips breasts belly and deep inside. Can you feel it Rachel? The way your body has come alive to every sensation? You are like a tiger waiting to pounce.

Opening your eyes you gaze dreamily around your small candle-lit bedroom. You watch the golden shadows dancing around the walls. Everything seems so bright. Every colour every smell every thought is vivid and clear.

Your finger slowly circles - not yet touching the sensitive bud - just caressing the hot flesh around it so it moves around under its hood. All the while your left hand pinches and pulls at your nipple.

Heart pounding.

Toes curling.

What would your Mother think if she saw you now? Or Gavin? What would Leanne Nesbit with her amazing double-D tits think of you? Would she think you were dirty? Selfish? Sad?

***

(TABLETS)
I feel numbness/ nothingness as I leaf through the address book and locate his number. I calmly pick up the receiver/ listen for the dialing tone (this helps to validate the realness of what Im doing) and slowly tap each button. I finally hear the metalic rhythmical purr as the phone rings.

*Hello?* A womans voice.

Could be a problem. Should I hang up?

*Hello?* she says again.

*Ehm. Hi* I say. *Could I speak to Byron please?*

*Whos calling?* She sounds suspicious.

*Its Rachel Kearney. My husband works with him.* My lie sounds odd to me but its designed to put her at ease and it seems to do the trick.

*Byron. Phone!* she yells. Then softly - almost politely - to me: *Hes just coming.*

The pause as I wait for my ex-boyfriend to take the receiver is excruciating.

Finally he arrives. I can hear him breathing. *Hello?*

Its nice to hear his voice after all this time. A tingle down my spine. *Its me* I say quietly.

*Rachel?* He is shocked.

*Im sorry Byron. I just didnt know who else to phone.*

*What is it?*

I can hear the note of concern in his voice. Tears welling in my eyes. *Ive left Gavin* I say.

*Oh.*

*I saw them together. And Ive... Ive taken some pills Byron.*

He speaks slowly now. *What do you mean pills?*

*Ive been really silly. I dont know why I did it.*

*What have you taken?*

*Im sorry for phoning you like this.*

*What have you taken Rachel?*

*A bottle of paracetamols.* I feel horrible as I say this. Embarrassed.

I dont know whether Byron is angry/ worried or scared. *Fuck* he says.

Im beginning to wish I hadnt phoned. I dont want him to think of me as unstable and needy. *What will I do Byron?*

*Youve got to make yourself sick. Stick your fingers down your throat. Fuck. Make sure you keep walking around Rach. Im going to phone you an ambulance.*

This panics me. *You cant. Jane works in casualty. She might see me.*

*Dont be fucking stupid* he says.

*No. Please. Ill get rid of them. I dont want my aunt to know about this.*

*Give me your address Rachel. Were coming over.*

*We?* Im confused.

*Jennys a nurse.*

*Is she your girlfriend?*

*Yes.*

*Oh.*

Shouting: *Come on Rachel: your address!* Its horrible to hear him this upset over me.

*Listen Byron. I dont want you to come here. I just wanted to talk to you.*

*I want to get you checked by a doctor.*

I cant take this anymore. *Ive not taken any tablets Byron. I just wanted to talk to you.*

He is furious now: *What? I cant fucking believe you. You cant do that to people Rachel.*

Im crying now. I want this to end. *I know. Im sorry. I was just confused.

***

(GROWTH)
I was always scared of being alone. Maybe it was something to do with that whole single parent family thing. I dont know (they blame every fucking thing on broken homes these days). Whatever the reason: I know that when Mum died I just clung all the more to Byron. It was the only way I could cope. What wouldve happened if he hadnt been there for me? He probably saved my life. Or at least kept me sane.

But I know now that I hung on too tightly to him. Squeezed all the life out of our relationship. Killing whatever it was we had. I dont even know for sure that it was love (Im not convinced I really know what love is).

But as soon as I saw an easy way out - Gavin Elliot - I discarded Byron. Like an ugly snake shedding its skin.

***

(LETTING GO)
Byron has calmed down a little. He sounds concerned for me. *So what happened with you and Gavin?*

I wonder if I can still hear hurt in his voice after all these years. *I dont love him Byron.*

*Do you think youll get back together?*

He cant see me but I shake my head anyway. *He cheated on me. At least twice.*

*Oh.*

*I went round his flat and he was shagging some stupid teenager.*

*Fuck. You saw them together?*

*Uh-huh. Im glad in a way. Now I know I cant go back. Its finally over.*

He speaks softly: *But it still hurts?*

*I dont like being alone Byron. It makes me think too much.*

*Just give it some time. You know youll get over it.*

*Did I make you feel as bad as this?*

He laughs. *Yeah. But I got over you.*

I listen to his breath. Remember him holding me in bed. *Im sorry* I say. *Im sorry I made you feel this bad.*

*These things happen. Dont be worry about it Rachel. I forgave you a long time ago.*

*Really?* I dont know why this is such a shock to me. I feel a weight lift from me. The tears stream down my cheeks. My throat tightens. *Youve really forgiven me Byron?*

*Of course.*

*God. Ive wanted to hear you say that for so long. Thanks Byron. Thanks for talking to me. Just needed to tell someone how I was feeling. Sorry if I gave you a fright.*

*You know you can phone me any time. You dont need an excuse. Dont need to say youve taken pills.*

*Ok. Youre girlfriends very lucky Byron. I hope she appreciates you.*

Laughing: *She gives me hell. But were happy. We love each other.*

*Thats good.*

We say our goodbyes and I hang up. Running through to the bathroom. Fingers down my throat to vomit up the tablets. As I wipe the sickness from my lips with an old face cloth I scowl at my bleary-eyed reflection. Silly cow!