Rag Doll Ch. 05

I was strongly tempted to go along with her, but I'd already committed to working that day, so I had to regretfully decline her request. Yaz looked sad, then once again stretched up and planted a kiss on my cheek.

"There'll be a proper dinner waiting for you tonight, so you be back in time to eat, okay? The least Shari and I can do for you is make sure you get some proper nourishment after what you've been living on, so be here for dinner, Bobby, that's an order!"

I spent that day in a haze; all the unpleasantness that usually accompanied the work seemed to pass me by, and the day seemed to fly by; before I knew it, it was knocking-off time; this time, instead of dawdling along, taking my time cleaning and storing the sweeping machine I gave it a quick once-over, threw my coverall in the laundry chute and hurried home.

Yaz hadn't been lying when she said there would be proper dinner waiting for me; she and Shari had produced a meal fit for a king; roast beef, melting Yorkshire puddings, golden, crisp roast potatoes, steamed cabbage, roasted carrots and parsnips, thick, unctuous, red-wine gravy, and a home-made apple and blackberry pie for dessert. Dad had never laid on such a spread for us; he'd always believed that excess was a sinful waste of finite resources, and that enough was as good as a feast; at least, that's what he told us as we ate cheap food, and not too much of that, either; it's only with hindsight I can see now that he was a tight-fisted cheapskate who begrudged spending any money on quality foodstuffs, preferring instead to buy the very cheapest cuts of meat and finding ways for us to eke it out from meal to meal; he was a very rich man, he could have indulged us, but he never did.

I will admit here that I gorged myself; the more I ate, the more a smiling Shari or Yaz piled on my plate, and I was in heaven. Every so often I'd look up and see Rick smiling at me, realising with a small shock just how handsome he really was; no wonder Yaz was in love with him. As I looked at Ricky I realised something else; apart from his dark hair and grey eyes, he had a strong resemblance to Nicky, that same grin, that same quizzical lift of his eyebrow, the same habit of raking his hair back with his fingers.

I was suddenly almost overcome with remorse for the way I'd always been with my big brother, the feeling hand in hand with the need to see my big brother again, to see him and speak to him again, to hear his voice, to know if he was even alive, but most of all, to tell him just how sorry I was. Shari noticed the change in me, her glance taking in my watching Rick as he talked, laughed and sparred with Yaz, and her own lifted eyebrow as she silently asked me what was wrong. I shook my head slightly, not wanting to disturb Rick and Yaz as they talked and flirted, and Shari nodded slightly, acknowledging that we'd speak later.

After dinner, Shari volunteered me to help her clear up. Rick and Yaz grinned as they dodged that particular bullet and hurried away to stretch out and watch TV in the family room before they got volunteered anyway.

"What's the matter, Bobby?" she asked me as we washed and racked the dishes and silverware, "what happened in there? You suddenly looked like you'd seen a ghost, what happened?"

I looked away, unable to face her.

"I suddenly realised just how much Rick looks and sounds like Nicky; and when I realised that, I knew I wanted my big brother back, even if just for a minute or so, just long enough to tell him how sorry I was for being such a prick; we made it easy for Nicky to leave; we made him an outcast in his own home, just as much as dad did; Nicky was one of the good guys, in hindsight I know now he tried to connect with us, and we snubbed him every time, we pushed him away, and we watched while our mother took him because we didn't want him and we didn't want her. It's no wonder they were so close; he needed her, she needed us, but we didn't need her, so she and Nicky became outcasts together. I'm so, so sorry, Shari, I fucked-up so bad with Nicky, and I know people don't get second chances, but I'd really like to have one with Nicky, because I really need him right now, I really need to know he's okay, that dad didn't...that he's still alive somewhere, that he's safe and maybe he found his real family, because that's not us, it never was, but I wish we had been!"

My words felt like stones in my throat, and my heart was like a lump of lead; Yaz and Shari had taken away the anger and the bitterness inside me, but that had left room for the guilt and sorrow to flow in; guilt over what we'd stood by and let our father do to our mother, guilt over the way we'd snubbed, alienated, and pushed away our big brother, and now loss and sorrow for both of them, that they were both gone forever, and we were largely responsible for that.

I felt more than heard Shari step up behind me, and then her arms were around my waist as she hugged me and pressed her cheek against my back.

"Bobby, tell me about Nicky; I want to know about my big brother. Tell me what he looked like, what he sounded like, what he liked, what he did. Nicky is my brother too, and I want to know about him. Talk to me, Bobby, but not here."

I turned around and she took my hand and led me back into the sitting room, Yaz and Rick huddled together on the couch watching TV, or so they'd have us believe; their flushed faces and bright eyes told another story completely, and Shari looked at me, again with the raised eyebrow, and I shrugged; I didn't see any need for them to sneak around, we already knew what was going on.

Shari pulled a hassock in front of both of them and sat on it, looking at both of them, a hand on each of their knees. Both of them looked apprehensively at her, and I think they guessed what was coming.

"Yaz, Ricky, it's OK, Bobby and I, we...know, about the two of you, about how you feel about each other...and what you've been doing. Before you say anything, let me have my say. First off, Ricky, do you love my sister, and remember, she's your little sister too, so what do you say?"

Rick looked at me, at Shari, then Yaz, staring intently into her eyes.

"Yes, God, yes, more than anything! I love you Yaz, and one day I want to marry you! Is that enough for you, Shari?"

Shari looked at Yaz, and again quirked her eyebrow.

"And what about you, baby, what do you have to say?"

Yaz looked at Shari for a long moment, then slipped her hand into Rick's and turned to him.

"Ricky, I love you, and I always will; I loved you the first time I saw you, and all the time we've been together since I only ever thought of you. Shari, I love Ricky, and he loves me, and we want to be together; mummy knew, I'm sure, that's why she asked Ricky to promise he'd always look after me, but I always knew he would anyway. I love my Ricky, and if we have to leave, we will, but we're staying together!"

As she spoke, Rick's arm slipped around her shoulder and pulled her close to him, while Yaz looked at me to see what I was going to say. Shari also looked at me, again with a slight lift of her eyebrow, obviously feeling that it was time their big brother spoke to both of them. I sat down and grinned at them, watching the tension drain as I did.

"Rick, Yasmin, you're both adults, you're both over eighteen, so what you want to do is entirely up to you. Shari and me, we're not your parents, just your older brother and sister, and you don't need our approval or permission, or anything like that. Speaking as your big brother I have to say I don't have any objections to you being together; actually it's none of my business, this is your home, and I don't want you to leave; I only just got you! We saw you...together, the other night, by accident, we weren't snooping or anything, and what I saw was a young couple who looked and sounded like they were in love. Rick, what Shari says goes for me, too; Yaz is still your little sister, and mine too, so don't mess up! And while I'm on the subject, I have to say, I do admire your taste!"

Yaz dimpled at me, and Rick looked relieved, grinning that grin at me, the one that Yaz obviously found irresistible, and, I realised, suddenly looking uncannily like Nicky, just how I remembered him from the very last time I saw him. I had to grin back as I continued.

"If you want to be in love, that's none of my business either, but this is your home, why not be in love here. I think Shari feels the same. Anyway, you don't have to go anywhere, this place is big enough for the two of you to have your own space and we still get to keep this family together; I think we all need each other right now, we need to stick together, so what do you think?"

Rick nodded at me, his eyes fixed on mine, while Yaz climbed off the sofa and came over to hug me and kiss me on the top of my head.

"Thank you for understanding, Bobby!" she whispered, then rubbed noses cheekily with me and giggled before flopping back down next to Rick. Shari smiled and winked at me, telling me I'd handled it correctly, then got up off her hassock and came to sit on the arm of my chair, leaning against me with her head resting on her hand along the back of the chair. She looked over at Rick and Yaz, who were deeply involved in a whispered conversation, and cleared her throat meaningfully.

"Before we came in here, Bobby and I were talking about someone who should be here with us; Bobby was going to tell me about Nicky, our older brother, I think you two should hear this too. Bobby?"

Slowly, reluctantly at first, but encouraged by the occasional gentle pat or rub on my arm, I began talking about the best one of us, our brother Nick. I spoke about how we'd never wasted an opportunity to make life difficult for him, tattling to our father, making-up stuff about him, grinning between us like idiots when our father beat him or punished him, making sure that he got the tail-end of everything, making demands on our father's strict budgets that left nothing spare for him. We always had good clothes, but now, when I told it, I realised that Barbara had had to scrimp and save to stop him walking around in the same threadbare clothes year after year.

And yet he'd tried to get through to us; as I told the tale, instance after instance where he'd reached out to us suddenly flashed into view, recognised by hindsight, but rejected out of hand at the time by the selfish, bratty, piggy little weasels we'd been. It was a searing story for me to tell, because now I recognised what a misery we'd helped to make of that boy's life, and yet he never lost his sense of humour, he never forgot how to laugh and joke, even if we didn't get him half the time; Barbara did, and the sound of the two of them laughing about something in the kitchen always infuriated us, because it meant he still had something we hadn't taken away from him yet.

By the time I was finished, Yaz was looking at me with a shocked expression on her face, and Rick had his face buried in the crook of her neck, his own shoulders shaking. I was wrung out by the whole thing, but it had been cathartic, I felt cleaned out for the first time. I slumped back in the chair, emotionally drained, shocked and ashamed of myself. Finally, I had learned what happens when you look the Gorgon in the face; I'd dug deep down inside myself and pulled out all the stuff that had accumulated, the parts of me that should never have been, and showed it all to the light, and while I felt deeply soiled by what I'd finally admitted to, paradoxically I also, finally, felt clean for the first time ever.

Yaz pulled Rick closer, smoothing his hair as she whispered to him, soothing him while Shari and I watched as my brother paid his own price for what we'd allowed to happen to Nicky. I felt a soft hand on my forehead as Shari curled her arm around me and pulled me close to her.

"Poor baby, carrying that around, no wonder you feel so isolated. You can let all that go now, Bobby, you shared it and it's gone now. From what you say about Nicky, I think he's forgiven you, he seems like he wouldn't have carried any of this around with him. One day we'll find him, or he'll come home, you'll see. Have you any pictures of him? I'd really like to see what my big brother looks like."

I shook my head, but Rick looked up, his eyes wide and sat bolt upright, like he'd just had a severe shock. He got up and almost ran out of the room, and I heard him run upstairs, all the way up to the attics. I wondered where he'd gone, and why, when we heard him running down the stairs again. He burst into the room, and dumped a pile of photograph albums on the coffee table.

"These were packed away in Barbara's...our mother's stuff; there are pictures of Nicky in there!"

Shari picked up one of the albums and began leafing through it. I looked over her shoulder and immediately felt my eyes pricking; there she was, Barbara, our mother, my mother. She looked so young, so beautiful, picture after picture of her, some alone, but mostly shots of her with a sweet, cherubic little blonde-haired boy.

"Nicky?" asked Shari gently, and I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Rick was also leafing through an album, tears on his cheeks as he took in picture after picture of our mother, laughing, smiling, holding Nicky close to her, his face open and trusting, holding hands with his mum, OUR mum. I leafed through another album, again, pictures of our mother, of Nicky, laughing, studying, playing, and running, but no pictures of us, not one.

I looked again at Shari, my own eyes filling as I realised my mother had taken no pictures of Rick or me, how could she have, she'd been bullied and terrorised, cowed and beaten down, and hadn't even been allowed to tell us she was our mother. One look at her face in those myriad pictures told me how much she'd loved and cared for Nicky, and the knowledge that I could have had that as well burned like acid in me. Shari reached over and gently thumbed my eyes, her own eyes two wells of sorrow and compassion. She nodded at Rick, slumped back in his seat, his eyes closed as tears wet his cheeks, while Yaz leaned against him, rubbing his chest, whispering urgently to him, and motioned to me to follow her into the sitting room.

Once in the sitting room she sat me down and sat next to me, pulling me round until I faced her.

"Bobby, everything you said earlier, did you mean it? About finding Nicky, I mean?"

I just nodded, still mentally reeling from the confession I'd made, and Shari smiled at me.

"Good; let's do that then, let's go find our brother! Let's find him, and bring him home, and put our family back together!"

I looked at her in astonishment. I really had no idea how we'd accomplish that, where we'd even start; the trail was four-years cold, and getting colder by the day, but something about her made me feel sure she'd find a way; already I was beginning to accept Shari as the head of the family, and her confidence and cool competence was going to be a major asset to this family now. I grinned back at her, and she looked closely at me.

"You know, Bobby, when you smile like that, you look an awful lot like Nicky too; different hair, paler eyes, but still almost a dead-spit of him; he was gorgeous, and so are you!"

I had to laugh at that, this was the second time she'd called me gorgeous, and it was still funny, but she wasn't laughing.

"I meant it, Robert Davies; you are truly handsome, you should smile more often, it suits you," she murmured, "I used to think Ricky was handsome, and so he is, but you're the one with the looks in this family, you better believe it..."

Now that I was cringing with embarrassment, she stood up and opened the door into the family room, and pulled up with a soft gasp; intrigued, I stepped up and looked over her shoulder, to see Yaz sitting astride Rick, his hands tightly clenched around her pert little bum in her stretch jeans, her arms around his neck as they enthusiastically 'sucked face' as the phrase puts it. Yaz was grinding her crotch against Rick, their lips glued together, and both of them were oblivious to the rest of the world. Shari looked up at me, then slowly shut the door again.

"Wow, they didn't waste any time did they?" she grinned, "looks like I'll be alone in that big room tonight, unless...!" she grinned up at me again and pushed the door open, Yasmin and Rick both jerking around guiltily.

"Shari, I'm...we... we were...!" she stammered, Shari just grinning at her until she ground to a halt and looked at me in mute appeal. I just shrugged, and sat down, deliberately taking no notice, letting her know that I didn't think she was doing anything wrong, and letting Shari field this one.

"Yaz, we told you, this is your home, and if you and Rick are serious about each other, well, Bobby and I have nothing to say in the matter; your choices, babies!"

Yaz looked stunned, and Rick looked directly at me.

"So, Bobby, if Yaz and me want to...be together, tonight, you're gonna do, what, nothing, is that right?"

I looked him right in the eye.

"Got it in one, Rick; I told you; you and Yaz are adults, what you do is your business, this is your home, both of you, and if you want to be together tonight, or any other night, you certainly don't need my permission or my approval!"

Rick and Yaz exchanged glances, then stood up, much stretching and phoney yawns suddenly in evidence. I had to grin, there was no need for all that pantomime; they could just as easily have said "well folks, we're off to go fuck now, don't wait up!" and neither Shari nor I would have batted an eyelid...

As they were trooping out, Shari called out to them, a wicked grin on her face.

"Use our room, Yaz, Ricky's only got a twin in his room, the Queen-size is much bigger!"

Even I saw the backs of their necks flush at that one, and the grin on Shari's face was worth a million bucks. Of course, that meant she had nowhere to sleep, and I asked her where she planned on sleeping.

"Don't worry, Bobby, I have a plan..." she twinkled back at me, making me feel very uncomfortable for a second or two.

I pottered around, picking up and straightening up, until Shari slapped me lightly on the backside with a rolled-up magazine.

"Go to bed, Bobby, you've had a long day! Just one thing; take the day off tomorrow, we need to talk and make some plans, and we need you here for that; trust me, you're going to like it. Goodnight, baby brother!"

Somewhat bemused at being sent to bed, I thought about the evening, and what we'd achieved, and where were going, and was just about to turn off the lamp and go to sleep when there was a light knock on my door. Before I could answer, it opened and there was Shari, once again wearing that ridiculously short bathrobe, long, endless legs very much on display.

"Is there something wrong...?" I began, but she shook her head.

"No, everything's fine, it's just...I can't sleep, not alone in that big room upstairs; it's so creepy up there all alone! Shove over, Bobby, you've got a room-mate tonight...if you don't mind?"

Yes I minded, not when she looked so completely desirable, and I really didn't think she should be climbing into bed with me, not when she was a sneeze away from being naked, but all my objections died in the back of my throat when she dropped her robe; underneath she had on the shortest cut-off tee-shirt and tiny, sprayed-on boy shorts, and all I could do was gawp at how beautiful she was, how lithe and willowy, how outrageously sexy she looked right now.

"Move along Bobby!" she smiled, and I scooted over, mouth still hanging open at this vision who wanted to climb into bed with me, actually wanted to; I wanted to pinch myself to check I wasn't dreaming, that she'd somehow invaded my mind and this was just an erotic dream, but then she slid into bed next to me and she really was there, warm, and soft, and smelling divine.