Redheads in Trucks

Author’s note: I do a lot of flying in my work. One day I set next to an actual Bubba. His total lack of even the basic elements of respect for women caused me to write this satire. Keep in mind the web page is a fake. Also, Sprite, thank you for editing my work. You are a true joy to work with.

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The first of Bubba’s Laws on Women. “If she ain’t got a dick, she wants yours.”

I love women. I’ll look at anything with tits. Big ones, small ones, short ones; tall ones all of ‘em receive notice of my roving eye. But I am not an undisciplined pig about women. I have my standards. Many feel I have a gift, and that gift should be shared with the less fortunate. This is the first in a series of instructions for you poor guys that need my help. This can also be used by my lesbian friends. While I am a guy, I don’t consider women who like women much competition, so ladies feel free to use any of my tricks.

First off, my kind of woman drives a truck. The problem is that the yuppies now have a truck that doesn’t count. These damned SUVs are diluting the gene pool. So, I have to get more selective. The women I crave drive full sized pickups. I mean, a girl in an SUV will give you a blow job, but if you want a blow job that sucks you eyes into the back of your head, find a bitch in a pickup. Don’t mess around with those baby pickups. I mean, shit, driving one of those is like driving a car.

No, to get the proper attitude, she’ll be driving a large V8, and it should be old. It’s a plus if the truck is filthy and rusted through in a few places. This assures the searcher that the truck is a working truck. A little straw and cow pies in the back most likely means this girl is a farm girl. Farming is hard work, so farm girls have a lot of stamina for an evening of fun.

The next thing to look at is the dashboard of the truck. Look for several old partially filled packets of generic cigarettes. (Menthols are best, because the girl will taste better when you kiss her.) If you can’t find those, Basic brand is generally cheap enough. You want to make sure there are a lot of open packets on the dash. A second check is to look at the ashtray. If it’s overflowing, you know this slut’s a chain smoker. You see, if a woman spends all her time exercising her lungs by drawing on cigarettes, you can be sure she’s up to a crackerjack blowjob.

Another thing is that if the truck has an air conditioner, she ain’t worth messing with. Brother (or sister if you’re swinging that way. I am a very liberal man. I don’t blame you for eaten pussy. I eat it myself.), if some cunt doesn’t like the heat, she ain’t gonna be hot in bed. I like my women sweaty and smelly.

The best way to assure you find an old truck is to go to the country and western dance halls. There is something about C & W that just draws pickups. There must be some sort of magnet in those bars that draw 20 year old Ford F100s. My most successful hunts occur in the south. After all, the only difference between a northern girl and a southern girl is that the northern girl says you can, and the southern girl says you all can.

While you’re checking out the pick up, check for parking stickers. If you’re real lucky, you might find that she lives in a mobile home park. That’s the best. God, I live for trailer trash!

Once you find the pickup you need, you have to follow the girl into the bar. Don’t worry about being called a stalker. Remember my first law of women. I recommend you try for redheads. It doesn’t matter if they’re natural or not. In fact, the worse the dye job, the more likely your success

Another thing I look for are skinny broads. I mean my dick ain’t like you read about in the stories on the Internet. In fact, I could be in competition for the list of the 10 smallest dicks in the world. A lot of fat just keeps me from finding her pussy with my dick. It’s really frustrating if you spend 3 or 4 bucks for beer for this bitch, and then can’t reach her pussy. It just sucks.

I like them as close to anorexic as possible. I don’t want the whole decease, you know, because I don’t want some bitch dieing on me while I fuck her.

Big tits are nice, but they’re kind of like appendixes. It’s nice if they have ‘em, but you don’t really miss ‘em if they don’t. In fact, I have found that skinny broads with big tits have so many guys hanging around them that they develop an attitude. I hate attitude! Let’s face it, these cunts were placed on this earth to make man happy. (Read your Bible.) Where do they get off giving me attitude?

Another criterion is clothing. I like ugly girls when it comes to clothing, because they try to draw attention away from their faces. Show a lot of cleavage, and I (and most guys) don’t give a fuck about much else. The more chest she bares, the uglier her face can be. I mean you can always close your eyes if the bedroom isn’t dark enough.

I like two piece outfits. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders have done more for women’s fashions than any dozen queer fashion designers. Give me a lot of bare skin and a nice simple knot to untie, and I’ll drink a glass of her piss just to kiss where it came from. Shit it is hot.

The paints have to be skin tight and short. I like to see as much ass cheek sticking out as possible. This lets me see what’s in store. It also shows she’s hot and trying to cool off, a very cool situation.

Cowboy boots are a nice touch, too. One, they’re generally better looking than the scrawny legs that go in them. Two, they’re easy to take off. Three, it reflects a total lack of good taste.

The physical condition of the subject should also be taken into account. Open sores aren’t a good sign. They become messy in the heat of sex, and sometimes, you can catch stuff from them. I’m not one who believes in protection. Shit, it’s the cunt who has got to open her legs, so it should be the cunt who has to worry about disease and pregnancy.

This brings up the point about pregnant women. They’re a great choice, especially if they’re single. Most guys tend to stay away from them for some sort of reason. But, when you think about it, pregnant women make sense. First, you know the broad puts out for someone. Next, depending on how far along she is, there’s some added benefits. Just think about it, the kid is giving you a blowjob while you’re fucking the old lady. Double duty, wow.

Now, here we are. We’ve staked out the parking lot of the local C & W watering hole. The ideal truck comes coughing in to the lot, and you can see that the bitch driving the truck is from a mobile home park. She gets out of the truck, and cigarette ash falls from her clothes. She has on a front tie halter showing a fully padded bra and a pair of tight bright orange hot pants.

We found our entertainment. You know this is the slut you want for the night. So, what do you do next? She’s setting there guzzling down the cheapest draft in the house, the ashtray at the table is overflowing, and she’s lightin’ her cigarettes with the butt of the previous one. She is tapping her cowboy boots to the sound of the off key bass guitar as the lead singer complains about his cheating wife. (If he read my complete laws of women, she never would have cheated on him.)

What a vision this female is!

The first step is to make sure she’s alone. We’re talking about one snot slinging, shot-your-wad premo bitch here, and you need to find out if she can be had. If she’s with someone, you can do one of two things. First if the guy she’s with is a wimp, you can beat the shit out of him and move on to step two. Second, if the guy can beat the shit out of you, you go to the parking lot and wait for the next pickup. If she’s alone, you move on to step two.

Step two is to get her attention. Here, you should try to charm her with your best features. One way to do this is to walk up to her and say, “My amigo over there told me I should come over and say somethin’ nice to the lady. So, ‘hi ya cunt.’” This approach is kind of aggressive, but it weed’s out those women who can’t handle the load.

Another approach is to meander over to her table and express you concern over her discomfort, like this, “Hey baby, let me brush off a more comfortable place for you to sit.” Then, lean your head back and brush off you mustache. It also helps if you can pick your nose with your tongue after you brush off your lip cover.

Now we’re ready for the third step. You need to get past her fear of you being too good to be true. This may be hard, but let’s face it; you have to talk to the bitch. The proper thing to do here is introduce yourself. Consider this example. “Hey, baby, I’m Bubba.”

You may have to go further than that, but I usually don’t bother unless she’s really worthwhile. When that’s necessary, give her your credentials. “I got me an 8th grade education, and it only took me two years in the 8th grade to graduate.”

This may not work if the girl’s not impressed by higher education. In that case, you may have to relate to her more cultured side. “Sugar, I got me a whole beer can collection back at my place. You wanna go see it?”

This is a line I haven’t used since I saw the movie “Fatal Attraction”. Can you imagine some bitch thinking she has rights to you just because you fucked her and told her a bunch of lies about love? Next thing you know she’ll want to get married or something.

No, the best thing to do is get her to take you to her place. I don’t worry about having to sleep in her bed. I keep me a can of flea powder in my car. To get to her place, you may have to resort to compliments. Don’t let her think you’re sensitive, though. The women I like want real men that don’t have any feelings at all. They expect their men to treat ‘em like shit.

Here’s a good compliment that doesn’t make you look like some wimp. “Hey, Baby!” Here you’re telling them they aren’t really as old as they look. Broads dig lies that make them seem younger than they are.

Another is “Baby, you’re so hot you could suck the yoke out of an egg without breaking the shell.” Now this is a functional compliment. Not only will this get you to first base, but it lets the bitch know what’s expected of her at some point in the night. If she gets upset about that, then it’s better to know it before you send your George Washingtons out to buy a pitcher of beer.

The next thing you may have to do is dance with it, I mean her. This creates a problem. You either have to look her in the face, or pull her to you body. If you look her in the eye, you could throw up. If you pull her to your body, she could notice you got a small dick, and dump you. Either of those two could fuck up your evening.

The last thing you have to do in this ritual is get her moving out the door before anyone notices what you’re going home with. This is a true adventure, and worthy of an entire advanced lesson in itself.

At this point, you should be home free. If you have any trouble, review this instruction sheet. I know that not everyone has the gift to select women like I do, but this should help.

If you’re still havin’ trouble, you can consult my web page. There, for a nominal fee of $500.00, you can download the complete “Bubba’s Laws of Women.” Now this is such a good resource, it may be unfair to women, but they are only women, after all.

Until our next lesson, this is your mentor, Bubba wishing you good hunting.