Reflections on a Painful Past Ch. 02

Finally I felt her grab my hands and bring them to her breasts. Her nipples were hard and sticking out and I tickled them with my finger tips. That ended her, she pushed my hands away fell over backwards on the bed and her thighs released me. I sat back with a huge smile on my dripping face and watched her rib cage expand and contract as she took huge gulps of air as quietly as she could. She was so good at staying quiet but this was too much noise. It was very unlikely we would wake anyone up at this hour but it was possible so I got up, noticing the pain in my knees for the first time. I'd been kneeling on the cold hard floor for quite some time. I'd actually enjoyed the feel of it against my pussy but now my knees protested.

I sat down on the bed beside Claire and very gently lay my hand across her mouth. She'd done the same for me on many occasions but I knew this was different somehow. I had to be diffident or it just wouldn't be right. She was the boss, not me. She allowed it and it quietened her breathing. In the dark I couldn't see her eyes but I knew they were on mine so I stared right back at her and put as much love into that look as I could. When her breathing calmed she reached up and removed my hand. She gave it a little smack. I'd been correct, I was pushing my boundaries but she wasn't angry, that was just a warning. She leaned in and kissed me passionately. My face was covered in her juices and her kisses soon became licking as she explored her own flavours on my skin. She seemed to love it. Funny really, after that night she would often taste herself like this but she never once went down on me. She'd fuck me with fingers or later toys but never her mouth.

We snuggled for a long time that night and when she went back to her bunk it was almost time for the bugle. Still I was pretty sure I'd done enough to earn my 'treat', whatever it might turn out to be. The anticipation mixed with fear was exciting. I had just enough time before the bugle went off to give my poor neglected pussy the attention it was begging for. Then it was up and shower time. That day was hard and the day after would be harder if Claire followed through on her promise but we were falling into a routine that would become our standard until the end of basic training, two nights of sex followed by two nights of rest. Usually the first night I pleased Claire. If she was satisfied then the next night it was my turn. If I didn't do good enough my turn got skipped and she gave me a chance to improve on my failings instead. It didn't happen often but it did happen.

Sometimes I was just so exhausted I couldn't perform for her. Once I fell asleep with my face buried between her legs. I hated myself when that happened and I took my punishments as just. That first night I'd done well enough though and as the day of barely containable desire came to an end I went to bed naked (but with panties and T shirt under my pillow just in case) and waited.

I must have fallen asleep at some point because I was woken by something cold pressing my lips and Claire's smiling face hovering above mine. Instinctively my mouth opened and I felt her push the object inside. It was long, smooth, cylindrical and cold. She pushed it right to the back of my mouth and I almost gagged on it but then she pulled it out and held it out for me to see. It was a deodorant can, about one inch in diameter and about seven inches long. It had a dome shaped lid and Claire had wrapped tape around the seam to stop the lid coming off. It was a brand I used my self but I'd never ever thought to put it to the use that Claire had obviously come up with before. All of a sudden I found myself wondering how many clever curious girls there were out there who'd discreetly lost their virginity to a toiletry item. I almost giggled and I could see her eyes sparkling in the dark with amusement as well, though she couldn't know what I'd been thinking. She was probably just laughing at my reaction as it dawned on me what she had planned.

Clearly she was enjoying my amusement and to take things further she popped the can in her own mouth and thrust it in on an angle a couple of times so it made her cheek pop out a bit while she rolled her eyes. Then she wiggled her eyebrows at me. It was the most obscene and humorous thing I'd ever seen and I had to clap both hands to my mouth and bury my face in my pillow. She rubbed my back as my stifled laughter shook me. She'd discovered I was naked and her hands weren't stopping at the back. To my surprise and immediately afterwards my intense pleasure she was fondling my buttocks and I decided right then and there that it was about the nicest feeling in the world. Maybe it wasn't as intense as some other feelings but it was just the perfect combination of intimate and sensual. Who'd have thought that something I mostly just sat on could feel so nice?

These were the types of moments I loved most, a bit of humour, a bit of love and a bit of sexy exploration. It was a beautiful combination. We didn't get many chances at it during basic training but later we had a few good times like this, though Claire always rushed them, she wanted to get to the serious play. So far my treat was certainly living up to expectations. Her fondling had me wiggling and my blankets slid down to my knees, she pushed them right down past my ankles. Claire had me how she wanted me already. Face down buried in my pillow but some adjustments were required. My hands like last time were to be pressed against the wall and not removed. This time she wanted my bottom thrust up into the air and my legs apart. Once she had me positioned how she wanted me I felt so exposed. If anyone other than Claire saw me like this I would die of shame. The position was completely vulnerable. I loved it. I felt like a lioness waiting for the king of the jungle to come and own me. Only she was more than any mere king, she was my gorgeous Goddess.

She used her left hand to push on the back of my head, holding my face down hard in the pillow so I couldn't make any noise. I was already very aroused and quite wet and felt the cold tip of her can as she positioned it behind me. I wasn't ready. I wiggled my hips a bit trying to avoid it. I didn't know it then but I shouldn't have done that. That made her angry and she was never gentle when she was angry. Punishment. Claire's fingernails dug into my scalp. The pillow masked my gasp of pain. Shit! I'd messed up. How could I be so stupid? I was such a fool!

I stopped my wiggling. The fingernails relaxed. I relaxed as well and breathed out into my pillow in relief, only the punishment wasn't over. Moments later I gasped the air back in again, shocked as she drove that thing right up into me. It was a sudden and hard invasion with what was effectively a seven inch dildo and only my own juices as lubricant. I really wasn't ready. I'd never had anything bigger than Claire's finger inside me before and it was a hell of a shock but it also felt wonderful and even more so when my pussy tried to clamp down on the unexpected intruder and found that it couldn't. I was being opened and there was nothing I could do.

After this first penetration I was actually exceedingly excited but that didn't last long. As in experienced as I was I didn't know yet that my reward was to be replaced by punishment. Claire was not going to be gentle or take her time. I would not be given the time I needed to adjust to this new experience. Suddenly it was gone and my virginal walls could finally contract. That felt heavenly but then as suddenly as it had been removed I was invaded again. This time there was no pain at all but there was shock still. The can was slippery now and she was able to take me with ease. Nothing like this had been done to me before and my mind didn't know what to do, what to think. Things were happening to quickly, I was freaking out. I was in a minor panic I couldn't help it. It'd been too sudden and to intrusive and with my face jammed in the pillow I could barely breathe.

In desperation I pulled my hands away from the wall and tried to pull Claire's hand off the back of my head. She didn't relent. The can kept slamming into my body, her hand held me down firmly. I tried to straighten my legs so I could drop my body down and escape the invasion but she had her leg behind my knees and I couldn't do it. Then she stopped. Oh, thank you God! I'd been mere seconds away from starting to squeal. It was the last thing I'd want to do, but I wouldn't have been able to help it. Claire was still holding my head, I was sobbing silently. She'd removed the can.

She lifted her hand off my head slowly and I would have lifted off the pillow to take a breath but I knew I couldn't do so quietly. She took hold of my hands and guided them back to the wall. Oh god surely she was done? Please no more? Her hand came back to my head. I felt her position shifting. Her breath was on my ear, the quietest possible whisper, an angry hiss.

"You shouldn't have tried to avoid your reward. This is punishment. You're going to take it! Stop fighting me! Don't disappoint me again!"

I felt my blood run cold. I was disappointing her? Remorse, pain, self loathing, quick flashes like fire and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. How could I be such an ungrateful bitch? I was a pathetic piece of dung and the one good thing in my life was Claire. How dare I fight her? Now I wanted her to hurt me. I fucking deserved it. She didn't disappoint. Once she was sure the fight had gone out of me she repositioned her can. This time I took it with humble gratitude. I knew what it was going to feel like. I was wetter inside than I had been and the can was slippery with my juices. I'd felt it before, it was easier and not quite as shocking the second time. Just. She drove it in deep and held it there. As before there was a lot of good with the bad. I'd never felt so stretched or so full before. That was the good. The bad was that my mind just couldn't cope with the intensity, like last time, as she started to drive it in and out I couldn't help but panic.

Now though I'd harnessed my will. Panic I could contain! It didn't matter that my mind was falling apart on the inside as long as I held still and let Claire have her way on the outside. I surrendered to the experience and let my mind dwell in the moment. Then as if my surrender had been the key my body began to love it. My mind was turned off and with it no longer telling my body that it was being violated my body was free to do what it really wanted. What it needed. It was in heaven. Despite myself I loved it and was quickly approaching the biggest orgasm of my life. Unfortunately I have absolutely no recollection of what that orgasm felt like.

Whether it was exhaustion, panic, lack of oxygen in my screaming lungs or the orgasm itself, I don't know. What I do know is that the last thing I remember is the sense of anticipation as my mind and body soured together towards a precipice that overlooked infinity and then I was waking up and Claire was gone. I don't know how much time had passed. It was still dark and I was still face down on my pillow. My mouth was open and my pillow was soaked with dribble. My sheet and blanket had been pulled up over me and my body was lying down flat but I still had that thing in me.

The realization dawned on me slowly. My mind was far from clear. I had a dull ache in my pussy like I'd never felt before and when I shifted all doubt was gone. The sensation was amazing. I reached down beneath myself and felt the alien landscape of my invaded pussy. My lips were stretched wide apart. My clitoris was painfully erect. I was still very wet but my juices were cold and I felt clammy. There was about one inch of can sticking out of me. Oh my fucking God! That thing was six inches in me? I had no idea I went in that deep. I hoped it hadn't stretched me or damaged me. I tried to pull it out but my internal muscles were locked down on it. That was the cause of the ache. I had no leverage with my hand under my body.

I tried again, reaching back over my backside and taking a firm hold of the base of the can. I pulled it out slow and steady. At first my body resisted, locking down even harder on the can but as it began to move my muscles actually began to help. It popped out the last few inches almost on its own as my poor abused pussy finally managed to eject the foreign object. The feeling as it slipped those last few inches and came free was indescribable. I wanted to feel that again but that would mean putting the damned thing back in and that was not going to happen. The ache was fading but I was left with an odd feeling. Like a kind of humming in my nerves. Exhausted beyond reason I fell back to sleep and woke up with the bugle some time later. My face was still buried in my soggy pillow. My feet were still spread wide apart and the cold can was still lying there between my thighs.

The emotional numbness and sense of detachment I'd achieved was fading. What was left was a feeling of violation and a deep shame that I'd upset Claire and she'd needed to punish me. I let out a long groan. I'd ruined my treat. This was worse than the morning after I first tried wine. Physically I felt stiff and sore. By far the worst pain was between my legs. I rolled over. Claire was watching me over the dresser. She shook her head at me and walked away to the showers. I felt like dying. I'd failed her. I'd failed. Failure! I couldn't think of anything else. Nothing else mattered. Not getting up. Not getting to the showers. Not even passing basic training and becoming a signaller. All I could do was cry. I curled up on the bed on my side and cried. I didn't hide it. I just let it all out. Claire was already gone to the showers but some of the others were still there. They could hear me crying.

"What the fuck are you all standing round listening for? Nosey cunts! Fuck off to the showers. Bitches!"

It was Natalie. Nat to the rescue. I heard the others file out and she came down to my space.

"Hey Jesse, easy girl. I don't know what they did to you but you're stronger than this. Come on girl you can't lie in bed all morning, they'll nail you if you aren't ready for breakfast in five."

I couldn't care less! But she'd thrown my blankets back to help me up and what she found must have shocked her. She visibly went pale. There I was naked as the day I was born, lying on wet sheets with that cursed can still lying there behind my arse. The smell of sex was undeniable as well. Nat wasn't stupid.

"She fucking did this didn't she? That dyke bitch! I'm going to kill her. Did she rape you?"

Sudden blind panic. Oh god no! This wasn't Claire's fault. This was me! This was my failure! I couldn't get Claire in trouble. I had to act.

"What the fuck? No! Who? What the fuck are you talking about Nat? Get the fuck away from me."

Then Claire saved me. She came in fast; the girls in the shower must have told her I'd broken down.

"You better get the fuck out of here Nat and if I ever hear one fucking word about this you're fucking dead."

Nat was brave. I could never have stood up to Claire like she did. She looked to me.

"Just say the word Jesse, I'll get you help."

"Didn't you fucking hear what she said? Get the fuck out of here. What do you think this is? Fucking show and tell?"

She retreated.

"Claire, I'm so sorry. I've fucked up big time."

"Shut up Jesse! There's no time. You have to get up now and you have to get dressed. There's no time for a shower. Move girl. We can fix everything later! Come on. Up and dressed, I'll make your bed."

She'd pocketed the can.

"I can't."

"Damn it Jesse, I love you too okay? I can't lose you now! Get up girl! Please?"

She was almost begging. That wasn't right. Claire should never have to humiliate herself like that, especially not after saying probably the only thing in the world that could make me feel any better. She loved me anyway, despite my failings and my weakness. My God she loved me! My Goddess loved me! My heart was singing. From desolation to ecstasy, what a fucking nut job I was turning into! My tears became tears of joy. I still hurt but I hauled myself out of bed. Claire helped me get dressed, by the time the girls came in from the showers and headed off for morning parade, my bed was made and I was almost dressed, just pulling on my second boot. We both sprinted for the parade ground. I stank, my buttons weren't done up right and every step I took was agony between my legs but we sprinted... and we made it. Barely. The Platoon Sergeant eyed us as we took our places. Seconds later and we would have been in some serious shit.

My face must have looked a fright after so much crying, my buttons were inexcusable. We had to pass a dress inspection before we were allowed to go to breakfast. Obviously I didn't.

"The rest of you get to breakfast. Private, a word."

She pulled me aside as the others marched off.

I was expecting a world of shit to rain down on me. Her voice was gentle.

"Private it's come to my attention, that you might have been involved in an incident?"

Nat, that fucking bitch! God I wanted to hurt her.

"Private if someone is hurting you or taking advantage of you, you can tell one of us or if you prefer you can tell your staff officer. You won't get into trouble. It's not your fault. Some recruits can get a little crazy during basic training but you don't have to suffer in silence."

Utter humiliation. I could take this for my love.

"Sergeant, Rumours hurt. People talking shit about me behind my back hurts. What other hurt can you mean?"

She got that dangerous look. I had come to close to answering her back.

"Well that's fine Private but you're to report to the medical officer. You don't look well. In fact you're in such a state I can't even bring myself to punish you for it. You are excused of duties and lessons today and you're not to report back to me without a chit from the medics saying your fit."

I was terrified. What would Claire think when I didn't show up for our first activities of the day. Would she think I betrayed her?

I was in a state of dread as I marched down to the medical centre. When I walked in the receptionist was on the phone.

"Yes. I see. Yes, ok."

She looked up and saw me.

"Yes, she's here."

Crap! How much worse could this get?

"Recruit Private, regimental number November- wun- wun- fower- niner- wun- sevun, reporting Maam."

All medical staff members were either officers or Spec officers. Spec officers were civilians who had specialist skills the army needed so they were given an officers rank and employed in that role without any military training.

"Very good Private, There's a waiting room just behind that curtain over there. Please wait there till the Doctor is ready to see you."

This was really bad. There were a lot of soldiers in the main waiting room at reception but I was being put in a room by myself. I knew what was coming and I began preparing myself. I knew what I had to do. A female nurse ushered, me into the Doctor's office and stayed. That was not normal procedure for a Doctor's visit. The Doctor was an older man with bushy eyebrows and gentle eyes. He reminded me of my father. That would make this harder.

"Private you've been referred to us because your Platoon Sergeant has reason to suspect you've been assaulted... Possibly sexually?"

I let a look of shock come to my face; I didn't need to fake the blush. Then I started to cry. That was easier than it should have been. I was so disgustingly weak!

"Is there something you want to tell us Private?"

"It's all too much Sir! I was doing alright but then another girl started these terrible rumours! It's just so humiliating! I don't know why she hates me and now she's spreading them to the Platoon staff as well! I almost gave up this morning when I heard the other girls whispering about me. But I won't Sir. I came here because I'm going to be a soldier and I sure as hell won't give that up for some stupid bully."