Reflections on Virginity

I was probably pretty late in losing my virginity at 18; mostly this was down to being at an all girls' school, so there were not any boys about. Of course I fantasized and masturbated but I didn't really have many opportunities for kissing, let alone sex. Some of the girls did experiment with each other. I never did, it just wasn't something I was even curious about.

After my exams were over I spent some time in Switzerland being finished. An outmoded concept even then, basically it meant learning how to be a lady and how to behave in social situations. Boring stuff and another all girl environment so no boys, no male staff either. It was while I was there I applied for a place on an expedition to the Ural Mountains. Climbing is a passion of mine even today, and I was hired. Basically I'd be rigging lines and so on with a more experienced climber for a three month geographical survey, this was the early 1990s and one of the first collaborative projects between British and Russian universities after the collapse of the Soviet Union. I thought it was better than bumming round Goa for my gap year.

There was over a month before we set off and my parents wanted me to attend some Debutants Balls. By the early 1990s the practice was dying out. These balls were not official and basically just parties arranged by rich families trying to marry off their children. Now you might think that these balls were the place for lots of sex, most happened in large private houses with a lot of empty bedrooms, but you would be wrong. Everyone was too scared of AIDS, scared of getting pregnant before university or just scared in general.

I attended three balls, the day after the last one I was ready for something else. Till then I wore I my hair down to the middle of my back. For the trip to Russia I hacked it off, literally, I platted it and used large kitchen scissors to cut the bulk off before going to the stylist. I ended up with a feminine but above the ears style. I also had to take a medical, fill out paperwork and attend briefings. That meant I was staying in a hotel in London for three days, alone. One of the things I had to do was fill out forms relating to what happened if I died during the expedition. I was an indestructible teenager and I hadn't thought about death before.

I decided I didn't want to take the chance that I would die a virgin. So I would have to have sex before I left. In fact I would have to have sex in the next couple of days, before I went home and was surrounded by family. Looking back I can't believe how irrational and hormonally guided I was in this thought. In fact it is quite embarrassing really that I thought that way, but I did.

At one of the balls I'd met a guy named Matt. My age, rugby player, tallish with dark hair and green eyes, quite good-looking. We had kissed and danced close and we had talked. He wasn't the type who would brag about sleeping with someone. So I called him and asked if he wanted to meet for a drink. I think he got quite the shock when he saw me. Short hair; no make up wearing a tee shirt and jeans. I looked very different from the deb I'd been just two weeks before.

"Hi Matt, did you have trouble recognising me?" I said as he approached the table.

"A bit, you look different, but good. Were you wearing a wig before?" He replied.

"No I cut it." I said. I was starting to get fed up of hair questions.

"Your expedition, I guess it'll be easier?" He said.

"Yes. I leave next week it's all finalised now. What have you been up to?" I said.

We drifted into an easy conversation; he was also going to travel. Spending most of his gap year doing an internship in Australia. We talked until the bar started to get very noisy, then he offered to walk me back to my hotel. When we got there he tried to give me a peck on the cheek while we were outside in the street. I moved away screwed up my courage and said:

"Why don't you see me all the way to my room, you can even come in if you like."

"Okay." He said with a slight smile.

As we walked up the stairs I realised I felt scared. I really wanted this to happen, but I wasn't sure what would happen once we got into the room.

As hotel rooms go this one was basic just a small double bed, one nightstand, a chest of drawers plus a small shower and toilet room. All the furniture was pine, the walls and linen were magnolia and the carpet was grey and stained, there was also the constant sound of the traffic passing by the window.

When we got into the room we sat on the bed and kissed. It was slightly awkward and more than a bit tentative on both sides. Matt I think thought that a bit of a make out session was all that would happen. Not unlike what had happened a couple of weeks before. After a very long time I moved away from his lips and whispered in his ear.

"Make love to me?"

As soon as I said it I bit my lip, my heart started to thump and my mouth went dry. The words themselves seemed wrong, 'make love to me' what was I? A heroine in a 'Mills & Boon'?

"Urm, um I oh." Mark stammered.

I closed my eyes and had a sinking feeling; he was going to reject me and was trying to find the right words.

"Look I urm well, I have never done it before." He said.

A glimmer of hope?

"No neither have I, but I want to now with you." I said.

Matt took a deep breath then coughed slightly, closed his eyes for a moment.

"Yes I want to." He said.

I threw my arms around him and we embraced for a moment, my heart was racing and I could feel his thumping against me as I held him. I opened the drawer of the nightstand and took out the packet of condoms I had got from a machine outside the toilets in the hotel bar. Matt smiled and took a similar packet from his pocket. I smiled back.

Then we undressed. There was no removing each other's clothes or anything like that. We both silently undressed at the same time. I could see Matt looking wide eyed when I removed my shirt, I wasn't wearing a bra so was instantly topless Matt's own chest was more muscled than I expected and he had a flat stomach, when he started undoing his belt I looked away and carried on undressing much as I had the previous day for the medical exam.

When we were both naked we sort of looked at each other. Matt's cock was hard but what shocked me was his pubic hair. There was so much of it, thick black and curly. Not at all like the pictures I'd seen in biology books, or the occasional adult magazine smuggled into the dorm. My own pubic hair was natural but nowhere near as thick.

Awkwardly we embraced and kissed. I felt his cock against me I could still feel his heart beating and I knew I was trembling. Neither of us said anything but we held each other perhaps too scared to move. Slowly I loosened my embrace and we parted. I got on the bed and laid down. Matt took a step forward and picked up one of the packets of condoms.

I watched as he opened up the box took out a condom in foil and ripped it open. I realised I was barely breathing and I had to take a slow deep breath to try and calm down. Matt was able to put the condom on and looked at me, I smiled and opened my legs and bent my knees. I was beyond nervous, trembling, my heart thumping and wondered what was actually about to happen.

Matt kneeled between my legs and then leaned forward so that he was on top of me and over me. I could feel cock near me and I tried to shift my position. Neither of us knew what we were doing and it took a bit of wiggling about before I felt his cock pushing against the entrance to my pussy.

"Yes that's right." I whispered.

Slowly I felt Matt's cock pushing into me, I'd only ever had my own fingers inside me before and Matt's cock was much larger. He was tentative and slow in filling me, and once he was fully inside of me he hesitated. The feeling of my pussy being full felt so good, I felt a wave of something come over me and started to breath a bit easier. Matt started to thrust in and out of me, slow and steady but it felt good. The sensations were so much more than I had ever felt before.

The weight of Matt's body on top of mine, the slight smell of his perspiration mixed with hair gel, his breathing, my breathing, my heart pounding everything was overwhelming and new. My pussy felt stretched and full but there was no pain or discomfort. It was a wonderful feeling.

I realised how tense I was, laying as stiff as a board. I tried to relax my body. As I did Matt seemed to start pushing further into me, I had to stop myself tensing up again. Suddenly Matt sighed and I felt him start to throb inside me I realised that he had climaxed. My eyes had been tightly closed and I opened them. Matt withdrew from me quickly and walked into the bathroom. When he came back he sat on the bed and looked a bit sheepish.

"Come into the bed Matt." I said as I gently reached up and stroked his face.

It wasn't until both Matt and I were under the covers that I realised that the light had been on the whole time. I reached over and used the switch by the nightstand to turn it off. The darkness enveloped up.

"Just hold me." I said

"Okay." Matt replied.

We stayed like that for a short time I think both of us were processing what we had just done. Then gently I kissed him.

"Do you want me to go?" Matt asked.

"No, I want you stay all night, if you like we could do it again." I said.

Gently Matt leaned over and kissed me, less tentative than before and it seemed to act as an ignition switch. The way I was laying Matt's cock had been gently resting against my leg; it quickly started to harden once more. We carried on kissing for a while, it felt like around an hour but was probably less. Even though we had done it once we were both still unsure and nervous.

In the end I was the one who moved things along, rolling onto my back while gently pulling Matt on top of me. Caught up in the moment I'd forgotten all about condoms, Matt hadn't. He sat up so he was kneeling between my legs and reached over to the nightstand. My head propped on the pillow I watched as he put the condom on.

This time it was all less clumsy; Matt was able to enter me easily. Once again I felt him filling me, I grabbed his lower back with my hands and tried to keep him deep inside so I could savour that feeling. As soon as I loosened my grip Matt started to thrust in and out of me, quicker this time. I was much more relaxed and tried to move my hips so that I was taking his full length into me with each thrust.

All of the thoughts that had been running through my head the first time were gone. I relaxed totally and surrendered myself. Matt's rhythm was strong and steady everything was more intense as my senses were open. Soon I realised Matt and I were breathing as one I briefly opened my eyes just a moment before he did we looked into each others eyes as we did I started to feel a orgasm building deep inside of me.

I tried to ride it as I had when masturbating but it was far too powerful, when it broke I lost control. My hips bucked and pulled Matt even deeper into me, instinctively I wrapped my legs around his back to pull him in even further. As I did I felt his cock start to throb, he gave out a moan and collapsed on top of me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close as we both started to calm down a little. Slowly I moved my legs away and loosened my grip. Matt kissed me and we lay there in each other's arms with Matt still inside of me until his cock started to go soft.

As Matt withdrew from me he started to get out of the bed to deal with the condom.

"Just throw it on the floor and hold me." I said.

"I can't do that." He said.

"Yes you can. We can clean it up in the morning." I said pulling him towards me.

He did throw the condom on the floor and cuddled me. We both drifted into sleep and were woken by my travel alarm. When I opened my eyes it took me a while to remember where I was, then I looked to my right and saw Matt and smiled.

"You can use the bathroom first." I said.

I don't know why I said that. It wasn't what I wanted to say it was just what came out of my mouth. It was after we had both showered and dressed and were about to go out to find something to eat for breakfast that I said what I wanted to say.

"It was wonderful, thank you."

Matt smiled.

"It was amazing." He said.

We had breakfast at a small café. This was before the big American chains had taken over. It was dark and cosy. We chatted about ordinary things. Things that now seemed very small. The rest of the season, Matt still had more balls to attend. Even my trip to Russia seemed smaller.

When we parted I think we both realised that we probably wouldn't see each other again. I was going to be away for at least three months and he was going to be in Australia by the time I got back. It was strange to have been so close and so intimate with someone, experiencing something that could never happen again, because there is only one first time, and then just watching them walk away and going on with your life.

Two years later I received a wedding invitation from a school friend, Daphne. With it was small white envelope with a handwritten note from Matt, the groom, inside. He and Daphne had met after he had returned from Australia, fallen in love and were going to marry. It wasn't till they were doing the invitations he found out that she and I knew each other, he hoped I wouldn't find it awkward. I didn't, although I had to stop myself laughing when Daphne introduced me to Matt at their wedding. Since then we've met a few times at various events over the years, including my own wedding, that we were each other's first is always unspoken, but we always have that special connection that no one else knows.