Reframing My Life

As I grew up, I had such aclear picture of what my life would be as an adult. I would meet a nice guy, get married, have several children (through natural childbirth of course,) be a stay at home mom and write novels in my spare time. Even today, it still sounds like an ideal life for me. Not for everyone to be sure, but for me. Was it the influence of the culture in which I lived, (parents, television, books, etc.) or what I really wanted? I think it really was what I wanted, for whatever reason. I've suffered a lot of mental pain as I passed milestones in my life and that picture seemed more and more unrealistic.

Many of my friends met their spouses during their college age years, whether they went to college or not. I was focused on working full-time and putting myself through school. There were a few possible guys on the fringe but nothing ever came of those first tentative interests. I passed through my college years and moved, found a part-time job and got to work trying to survive and work my way into a job that I could live on.

Meanwhile, I suffered from a medical condition that changed my picture in a very big way for me. I wanted children very much and really had a strong belief in natural childbirth. That was ahuge part of my picture. A couple of surgeries made it clear that if I ever did get pregnant there would be no chance of natural childbirth and it would be a bit risky even being pregnant. That fundamental change in my picture really threw me for a loop. It shook me up, but I was able to adjust my picture. Sure, I couldn't have natural childbirth but that didn't mean I couldn't have children.

As the years passed and I didn't find that special someone to share my life with, I seriously began to wonder if there was something fundamentally unlovable about me. It didn't seem to matter that I had a multitude of friends who loved me dearly or that I certainly never had any trouble making friends.

It wasn't something wrong with me making me miserable, it wasn't even my circumstances. My life was pretty good. It was my picture of whatshould be. It was time for some re-framing of my picture, a little different perspective. Perhaps a wider angled shot. If I didn't do that, I'd just end up angry at what didn't even exist. I had been focused on romance, or rather the lack of it, in my life for a long time, asking for it every day, being sad that nothing came of it. What good had it done me? None.

Then, I read a passage inEat, Love, Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert about loneliness that really appealed to me. She was afraid of being alone but something in her said she needed to sit with it for a year; be lonely, be celibate, just stop agonizing over the lack of a romantic relationship. That appealed to me on a deep level. What was the point in getting upset about it? A friend said to me that love comes when it's supposed to. I had to agree.You can't hurry love the song says. I felt like I understood that song in a way I never had before. I finally truly accepted that this was something I could not change.

I gave myself permission to stop caring about it, at least until my next birthday. I would not ask the universe for it and I would not look for it. If it happened in that time, great! If not, great! Ididn't care. Okay, maybe never caring about it was unrealistic, but I could choose every day to focus my energy elsewhere.

It was like warm water on a cold day to wash your hands in. Your cold, and maybe aching, hands go under the water and it soaks in. You add some aromatic soap, perhaps a moisturizing honey and milk soap, and work it into a creamy lather, then rinse it off under that soothing water. You pat your hands dry with a thick, soft towel. Something has changed and you can feel it. Perhaps it won't last, but it's something you can do over and over whenever you need to.

My life, my world, my existence is about creating. Whether I'm writing, drawing, working in the garden,whatever I'm doing, it's always with the energy to create something. I always have plenty to do. Right now, I want to focus on my writing and creating a healthier me. I think that's plenty to keep me busy and happy for a good long time.