Relationships in the 22nd Century

Ladies and Gentlemen,

This is a frank conversation, use it as a tool for growth. All comments are accepted.

Lets start with something I have heard a "million" times:

Ladies you take offense with your husbands (boyfriends) Masturbation?

You have a very severe insecurity issue going on here. Yes, I already know what you're thinking, "But *he* caused it!" No my dear, he didn't cause it - you obviously had it before he met you. This has nothing to do with him - it has everything to do with you. More on this in a moment.

Let's deal with the masturbation issue first.

Many people (both men and women) sometimes prefer masturbation over sex. Frankly, it's just easier and quicker! 90% of the time, men do most - if not all - of the work during sex. Many women feel its fine to just lie there and be "done". If a guy's going to have to do all the work anyway, it's often just easier to do one job rather than two - or more. Let's face it; you girls are very complicated when it comes to sex.

All of this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or find you sexy. In fact, it has nothing to do with that at all. It's just a matter of convenience. Further, when you're spending your time concentrating on someone else, it's very difficult to work on your own sexuality! That is what private masturbation can be all about - growing one's own sexuality.

Now, let's talk about the porn, fantasies, etc.

If you've read many of my articles, you're going to learn something very important: men are not monogamous. That's just the way it is. Neither your husband, I, your father, nor any other man is monogamous by nature. That's the way we're wired. However, we can CHOOSE to be. This is obviously what your husband has chosen.

By looking at pornography and fantasizing away from you, he's not treating you or your relationship with disrespect at all. In fact, he's helping to insure that his promise about being monogamous to you is kept! Porn and fantasy are safe ways for men to explore our polygamous natures while still being faithful to our partners. Stop seeing this as a threat, and start seeing it as the benefit to your marriage that it is!

For you to set him up to fail by spying on him, asking him about it and then busting him on it, all you're really doing is telling him that he has to be better at hiding it all! Is that really what you want: for your husband to work even harder hiding it from you, or would you rather have him bring it out in the open and feel comfortable with it - and you? I thought so.

Now, back to you:

If you think you're going to be able to nag him into only doing sex the way you want, forget it. What you're actually doing is killing off your own sex life with him! Do you think all of this makes you sexier in his eyes? Don't count on it. You're actually pushing him further and further away by introducing all sorts of added stress into your marriage.

Here's my suggestion: (warning: this is going to mean that you're going to have to grow up): let up on him completely about the porn and masturbation. In fact, you should even encourage it. Tell him that you've come to your senses about it, and you want your sex life together to be rich and full, and that you realize that anything that helps him with his own sexuality also helps your sex life together. At the same time, I suggest that you feel free to masturbate too. Use this time to grow your own sexuality. Trust me, you need it.

Then, when you get together and have sex, make it fun! Take away the pressure and get back to the exploring that you use to have when you first got together. Have lots of great, powerful, playful, fun sex, and feel free to masturbate together if you enjoy that. Find out (again) what he wants in the bedroom, and tell him what you want too - even if it seems "unusual". Frankly, there's nothing "unusual" in sex - it's all been done before. Give him room and freedom to enjoy himself and it will all come back to you in bed.

Finally, start working on yourself. You don't need to feel under attack by any of this. It can be a very powerful way to grow your marriage - or you can continue to do what you've been doing all along and work to break it down. The choice is yours.

It's time to grow up and start to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and your needs. There are others in your life that deserve much more here.

By espousing the fact that you're an "independent woman" you're also saying that you don't need anyone in your life to be happy. Guess what that mindset does to you and your relationships? It actually makes it come about! Now, I can't read this guys mind to know exactly what he's thinking, but I'll bet it has something to do with this attitude! Not only is it artificial (obviously so to those that understand it), but also dangerous. In effect it's the backlash to another unhealthy attitude/psychological issue, that of co-dependence.

Regarding "Ms. Hurt Before" the very first thing you need to understand is that it wasn't YOU that hurt her, and that you can't heal her either. She's been hurt before eh? Boo hoo! Who hasn't been hurt? Big fucking deal!

Whenever I hear about someone that's been hurt before, it makes me roll my eyes - and it should make you roll your eyes too! She's a big girl now and needs to learn to get over things. Not everything revolves around her and her "hurt". This is exactly the attitude you need to take with her. Stop "enabling" her self pity! You do this every time you buy into all of this crap.

Instead, just tell her "Look, I don't really care what's happened to you in the past. If you want to feel sorry for yourself the rest of your life, but my guest, but don't think you're going to inflict that on me. What I'm interested in is your future.

If she isn't able to get over it, it's not your problem - just move on and have a great life. Just like Frank Sinatra said, "The greatest revenge is massive success!"

Men struggle every single day to meet the goals that are imposed on them by society. Sure, you're thinking, "Well, so do women!" but there's a difference. Men's impositions have been around for a long time and are actually the fabric of our society and culture. Women's are more "self-imposed". For instance, men are expected to hold down steady jobs, provide for themselves and their families and to do everything (including in relationships) with "honor". That means being up-front and direct.

Women are under no such obligation! For instance, when a woman loses her job, she may be concerned, but it doesn't relate directly to her self-image. Men's jobs ARE directly related in this way. Men that don't provide for themselves and their families are looked down upon and ridiculed by society! I'm sure you even know of direct examples of this.

Another example comes directly from relationships. I hear women say all the time, "Well, he wasn't up-front about things from the beginning..." ...and therefore he's a "dog" or a "pig" or something else. However, women are NEVER up-front about their intentions in relationships! Studies have continued to show that women have all sorts of tools they use to get guys to expose their agenda's up front without having to do so themselves! I've never heard any woman (or man for that matter) chastise a woman for this! In fact, it's even glorified and made to seem "cute" by the modern media!

With commitment, consider that men and women view this very differently too. For example, women view commitment as security, future, family, love, closeness, support and many other "good" things. Men view commitment (and likewise, marriage) as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice, a life of toiling to meet the demands of that relationship, and many other "bad" things! These are very common feelings among most men.

Yes, some men want to get married and yes, some men just want to have a lot of sexual partners throughout the rest of their lives. These are both valid goals, but it depends on the individual. Most women (not all) would prefer to enter into married arrangements and even our laws support women in doing so - against men! Men rarely come out ahead in divorces for instance, or family custody battles, or just about anything involved with dissolution. Frankly, with all the problems involved, I'm actually surprised that anyone gets married at all!

As to why I tell people that they should have sex before getting married, it's because I believe that our sexualities are the most powerful part of our personalities. By learning about this so-powerful aspect of ourselves, we also learn about how we can function within married situations. People say that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, and I agree. However, it's in the top three! That makes it significant enough to stress it as a priority. Anyone that gets married without having explored the other person's (and their own) sexuality is simply assuming that an unhealthy relationship is acceptable, and that they'll handle the consequences when they come to them. That's absurd! Marriage isn't a passing thought - it's a life long commitment!

Further, nobody falls in love because they have sex. That is a fallacy. If it were true, there'd be a lot fewer marriages, and a lot more vibrator sales! People (particularly women) ALLOW themselves to fall in love with an ideal - not the real person. This generally comes from an immature idea of sex and relationships - something that can be solved by exploring sex in a more healthy way!

Considering the benefits a person gains through sexual experience I can't think of a better answer than to recommend and encourage it.

We've all heard jokes about "that time of the month" or "being one Boy Scout short of a jamboree", etc., but you really need to look closely at a new girlfriend's behavior to see how its going to impact you in the long run. You see, she will probably not start off showing you craziness early in your relationship. If she starts saying or doing crazy things when you first meet her, walk away and don't look back - this is the best she's going to be!

Here are some examples of crazy behavior:

• Everything is fine until all of a sudden, she goes into a raging fit over nothing important

• She goes through your personal things and then goes ballistic when she finds something inconsequential (note: she shouldn't be looking through anything of yours in the first place - nor should you!)

• She is obsessed with purchasing the perfect belt, handbag or pair of shoes, when she already has closets full of them at home

• Her mood changes constantly

• She is consumed by the fear that someone is watching her, has put a curse on her, or is going to get into a car accident

She showers 3 times a day, but never works out

You Don't Have To Buy Into It!

I have an adage that I live by - I ignore all neurotic statements made by normal people, and ANY statement made by neurotic people! Remember, regardless of how beautiful she is you don't have to put up with craziness - especially if it impacts your life!

Can you change her? Well, if you're a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or other health care professional - maybe. The next question is, should you? Probably not. The time and effort in trying to change someone's behavior that has likely been learned over a lifetime is enormous.

Ok, so what if you're already in a relationship with a crazy woman and you're committed to making it work? First, you should check you own motivations - I know too many men that spend their lives trying to fix their partner's problems. They do this first for their own sense of accomplishment. Then, when they fail it becomes something of a quest - they continue to beat their heads against the wall.

If you still think you can change her, the very first thing you need to do is let her know that you will absolutely not accept any further crazy behavior - in other words, you expect her to act sane. When she begins an "episode", bring her back to reality and have her confirm it. For example, a black cat crosses your path and she freaks, say, "Honey, black cats have no meaning and we left superstition back in the last millennium - right?" Frankly, for some people it is next to impossible, especially if she really has some organic problem. Remember however, we're talking about neurotic women here, not the clinically insane.

What do you do when she slips back into neurotic behavior? Bring the specific action to her attention immediately and remind her that you will not tolerate it. Then, take her home and tell her that when she decides to be rational, she can call you - but not before. In order for this to work, you're going to have to be consistent. If you let your guard down even once, you're opening the door for more of that zaniness, and you'll have to start back at square one.

You should also get her into some type of counseling as quickly as you can. Many productive lives have been saved by a few sessions with someone trained to recognize and redirect neurotic behavior. Neurotic behavior can sometimes get worse if not treated.

Many men, having originally gone for the "10's" are settling for the "7's", "8's" and "9's" in order to get away from all the drama. I also believe that this is at least one of the reasons why you see so many beautiful women on the arms of older guys (besides the obvious - money, power, etc.) These guys are better able to handle all the wackiness of being with these women.

So, what's it going to be - a crazy trophy, or a sane, down to earth pretty girl? You decide.

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My wife (or girlfriend) isn't interested in sex any more! Help!

Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario. It's normal for sex to become less once a relationship is established or someone is married, but frankly, sex is one of the most important aspects of the relationship!

You really have only a few options here:

1) Learn to live with things the way they are - and masturbate more.

2) Continue to try to talk to your wife, try counseling, etc., hoping things will change.

3) Dissolve the marriage and find someone that is your sexual equal.

4) Find your sexual release outside your marriage.

None of these are really great options. However, you and your wife both have responsibilities here to each other. In my opinion, if she can't fulfill her responsibilities, you might need to find it elsewhere.